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+---- Thread: *The Hater's Guide to the NSFL (/showthread.php?tid=11824)
*The Hater's Guide to the NSFL - caltroit_red_flames - 02-04-2019
[div align=\\\"center\\\"]The Hater's Guide to the NSFL
in Alphabetical Order[/div]
Arizona Outlaws -
I guess we're starting out with the easiest team to make fun of. The offseason has been a total shit show for you guys. Starting with the comical announcement of your star quarterback's retirement due to an out of control temper tantrum, you're been given a one season window to make your mark on the league before descending into mediocrity. Your only chance make a statement this season is to hope that your start players Dean Jackson (a punter and kicker), Bucky Barnes (a safety) and Andrew Reese (a defensive tackle) can carry the rest of your team to the playoffs where you half almost no chance of getting past the first round. Beyond the fact that your team is currently in shambles, I have to think that there's essentially zero chance that your land a big name free agent in the coming offseason due to the way the Footballer Sackerman situation was handled.
Baltimore Hawks -
Well Baltimore it looks like your chance at having anything even close to a dynasty has come to a close. With L'Alto, Applehort, Taylor and any great players having either retired or moved on from the team you have officially moved on to a new era. One where a linebacker was forced to move to quarterback and your best player is still a linebacker. Right now all the hope you have in being an Utlimus contending team lies on the shoulders of a tight end whose last name is an instrument and a wide receiver whose last name is a made up Hallmark holiday. That's sure to have a lot defenses shaking in their jock straps. If you could put together a passable defense maybe you'd be expected to win your conference, but as of right now it's a tossup because your game is more one sided than mobius strip. Let's not forget that you only won a playoff game by 6 points last season and the team you beat has improved a lot more this offseason than you have. I don't even know if I want to mention the issue of having the league's owner as a GM...
Colorado Yeti -
Ah yes, the Colorado Bigfoot. Coming off of yet another disappointing season and finding nothing to bolster your roster this offseason I don't see any reason for excitement coming into this season. You have a top level quarterback, one of the best wide receivers in the league and the best tight end in the league. Normally that'd sound great. Normally teams would set aside some money for the defensive half of their roster. I guess the general managers just forgot that the other team has a quarterback too? I see a single cornerback and a single safety above 400 TPE. I have no doubt that this secondary is going to get absolutely torn apart. Considering there are only 3 defensive linemen on this roster the opposing quarterbacks are going to have all the time in the world to find a hole in the secondary (and there are going to be a lot of them) and get the ball down the field for huge gains down after down. I hope management at least has good chiropractor on standby for when the offense's back is destroyed from trying to carry this team.
New Orleans Second Line -
The Second Line. Probably the best branding in the league has the biggest fall from grace that has been seen in NSFL history. To nobody's surprise you ended up dead last in the NSFL, and at this point the only difference I see between you and Colorado is that they have an all star tight end and you don't. Both of your have two of the best quarterbacks and wide receivers in the league, but with nothing else of note around them. Considering the outlook of this team it's only a matter of time before Fyodorovich or Maximus III jump ship and when one leaves the other won't be far behind. With the current state of quarterbacks in this league you have a top tier asset that nobody is willing to pay for. At this point the team is looking like Philadelphia 2.0 except when their draft picks start to pan out Maximus III and Fyodorovich will both be at the end of their careers. Good luck figuring out how to wade through this tire fire.
Orange County Otters -
The only team that really deserves to have anything positive said about them. Winning the Ultimus is the goal of the entire league and it's always a successful season when you can get that done. Unfortunately for you it's time to face the fact that Crush, Atwell and McPoyal only have so much time left for before they run out of steam. Showbiz is still has several seasons left in him, but any duo involving ADwyer (sunnycursed) is one that is going to cause people to stray far away. You're going to have a tough time replacing the offensive talent that you'll be losing in the next two seasons so this is your last chance to really milk it before you start looking like Philadelphia did years ago and how New Orleans looks right now. Better make it worth your while.
Philadelphia Liberty -
After trading away every single active player on your roster you spent season after season being the worst team in the entire NSFL you finally made the playoffs last season. Now you know how it feels to get bounced in the first round of the playoffs. Your team is well balanced at all positions but your only standout player is a defensive end whose stats are only marginally better than a rookie who spent a single season in the DSFL. Your time may come in the future, but so far all you can really say is that you weren't last in your division which is good I guess. If you want to become a true Ultimus contender you're going to have to find receivers that can actually catch the ball and a quarterback that can throw it to them, or you'll have to wait at least another season before your current ones get to the level of being serviceable. You're not going anywhere important in the playoffs without a #1 receiver and a true star quarterback.
San Jose Sabercats -
Congratulations on finally making the playoffs! It only took 6 seasons of total mediocrity to make it back in for the first time. Sadly for you the showing you put on was totally pathetic and proved that you're still not a contender. With your quarterback and receivers still average at best you spend all of your time yapping about how great your players at all the other positions are. That'd be impressive if having a group of 1000 TPE linebackers were anything more than marginally better than a group of 500 TPE linebackers. You might want to work on that defensive line before your start acting like you have anything special on the defensive side of the ball too. Maybe then you'll do a little better than the average defense. The only upside you have right now is that you're a young team, better hope your squad of "friendship" doesn't even up going inactive.
Yellowknife Wraiths -
The Wraiths are the person at the bar that you don't notice walk in. The bartender gets annoyed when they sit down because the Wraiths are behind on their bar tab and they eventually get thrown out by the bouncer. This team has no identity. Their best receiver is a 688 TPE inactive and they don't have anyone else worth throwing the ball to at this point. Their 1300 TPE quarterback may as well start running the ball down the field himself or start passing it only to his running back. At this point I can count about 5 active members on this team. I think I'm just beating a dead horse at this point. Enjoy the bottom of the standings.
*The Hater's Guide to the NSFL - tlk742 - 02-04-2019
I hear that OCO has an upcoming WR to be the Phelps to Dwyer's Westerfield...
tlk's whisper campaign has begun...
also wow that article is caustic, makes my power rankings look like a wonderdome thread, love it.
*The Hater's Guide to the NSFL - speculadora - 02-04-2019
(02-04-2019, 05:38 PM)caltroit_red_flames Wrote:Orange County Otters -
The only team that really deserves to have anything positive said about them. Winning the Ultimus is the goal of the entire league and it's always a successful season when you can get that done. Unfortunately for you it's time to face the fact that Crush, Atwell and McPoyal only have so much time left for before they run out of steam. Showbiz is still has several seasons left in him, but any duo involving ADwyer (sunnycursed) is one that is going to cause people to stray far away. You're going to have a tough time replacing the offensive talent that you'll be losing in the next two seasons so this is your last chance to really milk it before you start looking like Philadelphia did years ago and how New Orleans looks right now. Better make it worth your while.
Adams, Zephyrous, Sunnycursed, Anoa'i, Blaze sounds OK to me
*The Hater's Guide to the NSFL - timeconsumer - 02-04-2019
(02-04-2019, 05:54 PM)speculadora Wrote:Adams, Zephyrous, Sunnycursed, Anoa'i, Blaze sounds OK to me
It's a haters guide, don't read too much into it
*The Hater's Guide to the NSFL - caltroit_red_flames - 02-04-2019
(02-04-2019, 09:54 PM)speculadora Wrote:Adams, Zephyrous, Sunnycursed, Anoa'i, Blaze sounds OK to me
Dwyer, 2 over achieving RBs and 2 players that aren't even on the roster yet. Let me add delusional fans to the list. Also
(02-04-2019, 09:56 PM)timeconsumer Wrote:It's a haters guide, don't read too much into it
^^^
*The Hater's Guide to the NSFL - iamslm22 - 02-04-2019
legit offended you said we had Oles
*The Hater's Guide to the NSFL - tlk742 - 02-04-2019
(02-04-2019, 05:12 PM)caltroit_red_flames Wrote:2 players that aren't even on the roster yet. Let me add delusional fans to the list.
cries in smallwood
*The Hater's Guide to the NSFL - run_CMC - 02-04-2019
I’m offended
that you called me a punter and kicker and not a kicker and punter
That one hurts
*The Hater's Guide to the NSFL - BWIII - 02-04-2019
yeah well a W is a W and I'm the back to back 2 time Defensive Lineman of the year, can't take that away from me
*The Hater's Guide to the NSFL - DeathOnReddit - 02-04-2019
yea well atleast outlaws have a playoff win
get roasted sabercats boom