Quote:Farnsworth: Mr. Rodrigues, it's been...

Rodriguez: Whoa whoa whoa. First of all, it's spelled with a "z" at the end, not an "s."

F: How did you even know...

R: AND SECOND OF ALL.... call me Bender. Or Bender the Magnificent, for short.

F: Oh, sorry, uhm....Mr. The Magnificent. Anyway, it's been quite a preseason for you. Tell me, how has adjusting to professional simulation football life been for you?

R: It's been fan-f***ing-tastic Professor. Mind if I call you Professor?

F: Nobody calls...

R: Listen just go along with the schtick, okay? Anyway, Professor, I love being a professional simulation football player. The pay is great, everyone on the internet knows who I am, and I get to do what I love. It's been so good, I'm even drinking less!

F: Err.. right. So, Bender, are you happy with your preseason form?

R: Well, to be honest, it's taken a lot for me to adjust to my new role at left tackle. I'm very much a right-side player and I'm used to mauling guys out in space. At left tackle with our scheme, I'm being asked to pass block a LOT more and take on the league's best speed rushers. It's a tough transition.

F: Your pancake numbers have been relatively low this preseason, what do you contribute that to?

R: Well, like I said, at left tackle I'm not getting as much opportunity to get off as well on the line of scrimmage. I'm being asked to do a lot of new things. I'm not crazy about it, to be honest, but there's a reason our coach is in the position he is in. He knows how to win, and I'll do whatever he says to make it happen.

F: How happy are you with the run-pass ratio? By our calculations, the Yeti call about 1.66 pass plays for every 1 run play. That is a pretty slanted toward the pass...

R: That's all coach's decision. Would I like to run more? Of course. I think our running game can be game-changing. In our first game, Tiernan and O'Connell both averaged over 4.5 yards. Our quarterback wasn't getting it done, but we still kept throwing the ball. In the end we put up a whopping 3 points. In the other games we were able to run very effectively, despite only coming out with one win. I think if we shifted our focus, we'd have a lot of success. I know that's where I'm most comfortable.

F: The Yeti seem to run a committee-style running game. Tell me about your two running backs. Who do you like more?

R: Well honestly I love both guys. Both are from across the pond and let me tell you something, both can almost keep up with me at the pub. Luke prefers the pale ales, and I've never seen anyone drink Guinness as fast as Kieran. That dude is a monster. Don't even get them started talking about rugby either...

F: I was more referring to their game. Which do you like blocking for more?

R: Oh well, that's not what you asked. I like blocking for both of course, but I prefer a guy you can run straight through the trenches like Luke. I should say though, there have been moments in practice where Fuego would get around me, and I think he's gonna blow up Kieran and I'm gonna feel terrible, and Kieran just cuts on a dime and leaves him in the dust. It's really impressive - I've never seen a guy make Fuego miss as bad as him. In normal scenarios, though, Luke's style fits my mentality. I wanna beat our opponents physically, and my blocking along with his trucking is like a one-two combo. We have the capability to really wear down a defensive front.

F: You allowed a sack in two preseason games. Tell me what happened on those plays.

-Bender waves down the bartender to refill both of his liter-mugs.-

R: Yeah, I got beat a couple times and I'm not happy about it. But the preseason is all about learning new things, trying out technique on different competition than you see regularly. Vinny and Fuego have tendencies that I have been able to pick up on in practice, but the guys I saw out there are a lot different. They use different moves that I didn't get to see much at Temple, but now going into the regular season I'm better prepared for it.

F: Three losses and one win for the Yeti in the preseason, and in every game you guys failed to score more than 17 points. What were some things that contributed to your failures?

R: Well the run game is a big factor. You can't win when your team has a one-dimensional strategy. I'm sick of......is this being published on the forums?

F: Yes.

-Bender's speech becomes somewhat slurred-

R: Ahh, f*** it. We needa give Luke the ballmore. That guy....that guy is just a good runner. Th' game we won in the ..what's it called? Spring training or whatever?

F: Preseason?

R: Yeah tha's it. Y'know...you're a good dude. Can I buy y' a drink?

[this section omitted by the editor]

R: SO anyway the game we won was our defense. An' I hate t'say that cuz I'm the offense. I mean I'm on an offensive line. I'm a ...left tackler. Which is...did I tell you is new to me t' play there?

F: Yes, I think so.

R: Sooo weird...

-Bender puts his head on the bar and becomes unresponsive for the remainder of the interview-