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+---- Thread: *Laszlo Forty-Two Commercials! (/showthread.php?tid=13532)
*Laszlo Forty-Two Commercials! - C9Van - 05-16-2019
[This is roughly 2,673 words long.]
An agent enters the room holding a TV remote with a television right in front none other than Laszlo Forty-Two who is holding a leash in his left hand tightly. “Okay, Laszlo! Thanks for coming! Really appreciate it. We're finally ready to show you the commercials you have been filming. Are you hyped to see them?” Laszlo shows zero emotion, not even a twitch. “You can clearly see Laszlo's excitement. Get on with it!” replied Laszlo. The agent just sort of shrugs it off and continues. “Well, first off I will show you the last commercial you filmed.” Just before pressing play to show it Laszlo responds “The Christmas one?”
“The Christmas one! Yeah!” The agent overly excited to show it finally presses play to reveal the finished product.
It begins with settled snow inside a huge house, which is weird for Tijuana at this time of year but ignore that. The camera pans into a lovely stereotypical lounge with a fire blazing in the background, a huge X-Mas tree that has way too much decorations on it, some milk, cookies and carrots for Santa and his merry reindeer plated all in preparation for the big day...In roughly 7 months time, but ignore that.
Sitting down in a comfy chair with rabbit slippers and his feet in the air is none other than Laszlo Forty-Two! He has a book he is reading. Why, it is the partridge and a pear tree lyrics! “On the first day of Christmas, true love give to Laszlo Forty-Two: Terribly weak and puny pear tree with stuff partridge inside of iiiit!” His singing is about what you were expecting honestly. “Oh, hello there. Laszlo not see you enter his house uninvited like robber.” He grabs his double barrel shotgun that was to the side and out of frame at the start and aims it at you.
After a brief pause he places it back down behind the chair he was sitting at in the exact same place. “Relax new friends. For it is Christmas...In 7 whole months, but ignore that.” Laszlo said to the camera before continuing.
“It is Laszlo. Laszlo Forty-Two! First round pick of your Tijuana Luchadores at 5th overall. One of the big 3 Wide Receivers rookies that will be in next NFSL draft. You know, puny and fat people come up to Laszlo and ask him 'Mr. Forty-Two! How can I be like Laszlo?' and Laszlo have answer just for you.”
As a side note, Laszlo picks up the cookies and almost goes to eat one before throwing it at the cameraman. “First off! Laszlo forbid carbs! Carbohydrates and 'of which sugars' are your enemy! Crush them before they crush you!” He then massively calms down after sounding genuinely angry. “And secondly, preparation favours the prepared. It also favours Mr. Forty-Two. That is why Laszlo is allowing you to live whilst trespassing to make sure you are ready for Christmas...In 7 months, but ignore that.”
Mr. Forty-Two then walks to his left and an inflatable dartboard can be seen in the background and Laszlo picks up one singular dart. “Take The Laz for example. Laszlo is ready for busy Christmas period 12 years in advance, even for people he has yet to meet. Quarter Back for the NFSL who drafts me? Ready! Creepy daughter of general manager Laszlo will play for in NFSL? Ready! Disgusting neighbour forced to pretend to like when he move to new NFSL city? Ready!
Now you too can also be prepared thanks to Tijuana's own 'Crazy Jose' inventions.” A weird logo appears on screen for like a second before disappearing a long with an insanely long legal message that no-one could really read past a word or two. “Laszlo is here to should you newest product. The inflatable dart board. You fire dart into it and hope for the best.” Laszlo then throws the dart and it bursts and deflates very slowly. So slowly. Still going. Eventually the camera just cuts forward to when it stops and Laszlo is slightly further left than he originally was. “So go on down to 'Crazy Jose's place' and receive now an amazing 5% off everything Christmas based when you buy 12 or more items!” More pictures flash on the screen! Flashing lights, information about where the hell this shit tip of a place actually is and confetti! Lots and lots of confetti!
“So what are you pathetic people waiting for, get off behinds and eliminate Christmas stress today! 7 months in advance...But ignore that!”
The TV is then paused and the agent looks at Laszlo waiting for a reaction. Literally nothing moves or changes and he gets worried. “So err...I guess you didn't like it much then?” the agent said cautiously. Laszlo then looked at him with the same reaction and replied “I've never been happier in whole life, Laszlo Forty-Two is on commercial. Hollywood will now fear Laszlo!”
The agent becomes wide-eyed. “Err, well how about the next one. The Bubba Gump commercial. You know the company your RB has going on. This one won't be regionally shown but all across North America where any Bubba Gump shrimp restaurant is!” He then presses play again.
It starts off roughly the same except it is normal Tijuana weather and the building is now a new Bubba Gump Shrimp. The camera then pans inside to a table of top in a clean and busy restaurant filled with suspiciously happy waiters and waitress staff. I mean like you know they're either actors or forcing it, no-one would enjoy this stressful shift.
At the table for two is none other than founder and CEO Forrest Gump! A long with Laszlo Forty-Two?! Shocking. They're both enjoying some popcorn shrimp. You can't help but imagine the high IQ discussions between Alabama's own Forrest “Can't Stump the” Gump and Hungary's all-star Laszlo Forty-Two. Laszlo takes a bite out of one of the shrimps and he chews rather slowly. I mean super slow. Like I may need another narrator to take over for me. Jesus dude, hurry up! This is quite the start to a commercial...
Eventually he finishes it!He had actually looked into the camera multiple times throughout eating this one piece of shrimp but then finally talks. “Oh, hello there. It is Laszlo. Laszlo Forty-Two! First round pick of your Tijuana Luchadores at 5th overall. One of the big 3 Wide Receivers rookies that will be in next NFSL draft. The Laz is currently being joined by my fellow team mate and table tennis master, Forrest Gump!
Gee, what a coincidence, we appear to be eating at your restaurant!” said Laszlo, pretty much devoid of any actual emotion. Closer to sounding like a Dalek having sex with Wall-E than even a hint of any emotion.
Gump is about to speak but Mr. Forty-Two cuts him off. “Forrest tell Laszlo first day he meet him about wonderful shrimp. He tell Laszlo 'I'm not a smart man. But I know what love is.' and boy was Forrest right, Laszlo Forty-Two does indeed love his shrimp. We have brand new restaurants opening in Tijuana and other inferior places such as:” The camera then blindly quick goes through ironically Forty-Two new locations in Canada, Mexico and America. Also one in Puerto Rico. Neat!
Forrest Gump is about to speak again but once again gets cut off. “So come on down to Bubba Gump Shrimp. Especially when the Tijuana Luchadores are playing for amazing discounts and place to blindly get drunk with fellow Tijuana Luchadores fans!” A small awkward silence happens as Forrest thinks he will be cut off for a 3rd time but as he goes to say what he has always been trying to say the commercial just ends and goes to black. No-one would truly know what words of wisdom he was going to tell us.
The agent pauses the TV again and has a smug 'I'm the best' grin on his face. “Yeah, I know. I'm the best. Now everyone who watches NFSL will know exactly who Laszlo Forty-Two exactly is! Not only does this commercial make you quite a decent amount of money but you may even get your own god damn cult with gold like that!”
Laszlo's eyebrows make a pissed off expression. He doesn't like the fact he was using Laszlo being a cultist as an example. The agent then gets super defensive cause to be honest Laszlo is kind of unpredictable and scary. “Whoa, I didn't mean it like that! I-I mean this is great for your image, okay!”
Laszlo shakes it off, or just motionlessly shakes it off but the eyebrows go back to original position so that is probably a good thing. “Is this all of them then?” The agent shakes his head in disagreement. “Nah. No, no, no! We've one more commercial to show you. It is the cat and dog adoption commercial. If I am honest I have not yet seen this one so I am interested to see how this one looks considering this one is going out to all of Mexico.” Laszlo nods slowly and just once. “Is best work of Laszlo Forty-Two. Puny agent will enjoy.”
The agent semi looks nervous “Err, well good! A-Always happy to be surprised!” He hits play on the TV again to show the final commercial that laszlo has done.
It begins pitch black, sad violin music is playing. It sounds a lot like that depressing dead island trailer song but with different instruments backing it up. A very sad statistic pops up about how many cats and dogs are neglected and abused daily by scummy people of the world. Real talk, don't be mean to animals, be mean to people. This would truly hurt anyone's none edgy heart if not for the fact the font of this white text is in god damn comic sans.
Another one shows up. This one is in spanish as well so I've no idea what it says. I'm not a miracle worker but it is also in comic sans. Eventually we see a very sad puppy. The picture is grey still but it looks so sad. Look at it! Feel sad!
All of a sudden, Laszlo Forty-Two appears and slowly and delicately picks up the small and sad pup. He gives it a small and gentle pet and colour magically appears and the song quietens down a little.
“Oh, hello there. It is Laszlo. Laszlo Forty-Two! First round pick of your Tijuana Luchadores at 5th overall. One of the big 3 Wide Receivers rookies that will be in next NFSL draft. Today, I am here to inspire puny citizens of Mexico.” Subtitles in Spanish translate everything he is saying as he continues.
“This is pudding. Pudding is just a baby. A puny baby at that. Laszlo bring you all bad news that Pudding will be put down due to abuse and neglect from scummy sub-human who has no appreciate of life. There was hope for Pudding at one point. You.” He hands the cute lil pup to a set of hands to the side and then another set of hands from the opposite direction hands him an injection needle or a huge over the top warhammer. He grabs the needle but is careful not to prick himself and shakes his head at the hammer.
“If you donated just a few pesos or dollars you could have made big difference for pudding. Also, if you people would have adopted cats, dogs, other cute animals to stop over population in shelters, pudding may have had a fighting chance to live. But alas, now pudding will be put down. Little Pudding is just one of hundreds and thousands of cases. You people need to make difference and open heart and family to another heart. Or more than just Pudding will expire.” He then walks off and it fades to black. Once again comic sans text of information on how to actually donate to stop stuff like this is shown but the commercial is finished.
The agent is stunned. Can't really unsee what he has seen. “I-I just...” Speechless. Meanwhile Laszlo hasn't god damn moved an inch damn near throughout that. “I know, pretty good right. What a disgusting font to use though. Laszlo Forty-Two very confused why any body thought that would be a good font to use. Feels like child's birthday party invitation font or something informal. Not Tijuana and Mexican scum killing animals for organs or being abusive to them.”
“N-No. I just...Where they actually going to kill pudding?” said the agent. Still struggling to find his words. Laszlo thinks to himself for a handful of seconds, trying to recall past events. “Oh yes. Is why they used little Pudding in commercial. Truly make people feel despair at how little Pudding could have had fighting chance if not for out of control factors to puppy.” The agent then points to Laszlo and then downwards. “Then explain that to me, please!”
He is pointing to the dog, Pudding. Who is trying to sleep but is 100 percent alive and healthy. Laszlo looks down and then back up at agent. “Is not obvious? Is little Pudding.” Laszlo replied very calmly like it wasn't a big deal.
“So, it was a lie then? The dog wasn't going to be put down?” Mr. Forty is quick to reply this time. “Oh, no. Little Pudding was always going to be put down and killed. Had no hope. No idea why they need warhammer but was fun to swing around if Laszlo is honest. May actually buy one for fun.
No, Laszlo Forty-Two discuss this with vet who was going to put it down. Very eager to put it down. Laszlo watch John Wick night before, thought about killing puny vet with pencil. Only had pen. Pretty nice pen too so Laszlo just use traditional fist to break vet's jaw. Too busy being in pain to put puppy down. Laszlo then adopt little Puppy. Well, Mr. Forty-Two take him home. He pee everywhere. But The Laz forgive little Pudding.”
Once again the agent is speechless for a few seconds. “I don't know if I should be happy, scared, shocked or expectant of what you've just told me. Laszlo shakes his head, disinterested. “Laszlo no care about that. What Laszlo care about is amount of money he get for making commercials. Laszlo take time out of intense training to get a bit more cash. Would like to know how much Laszlo is going to be getting for all three.”
The agent goes behind his desk real quick and struggles to find his calculator before finally getting it and starts pressing some numbers together. “Okay, well. This will be a rough estimate. Depending on everything and technically hurting someone and stealing a dog. You are looking at roughly give or take a handful of thousands about: roughly a bit over 5 million dollars I would say. Is that alright?”
Laszlo raises one eyebrow slightly higher on his face before it goes back to a resting position. “Laszlo likes the sound of that number. Is roughly what Laszlo was making for whole first year in DSFL in his contract. Laszlo very happy with this, yes. May end up doing more commercials in future then. Not for Crazy Jose though, he upset I break only inflatable dartboard he had. Probably cause Laszlo tell him it look bad in hot pink.”
The agent was happy to hear that until he started talking about 'Crazy Jose'. He actually gave most of the money he was making. “Well, I'm sure we can make more in the future quite easily.” replied the agent who was shaking his hand because Laszlo was now happy and about to leave. “I'll be in touch!” He said smiling at him until it faded due to Laszlo's reply. “No. Laszlo Forty-Two will be in touch if Laszlo wants to be.” He and Pudding then leave.
Bloody rookies.
*Laszlo Forty-Two Commercials! - ScorpXCracker - 05-16-2019
lol I always love your articles