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+---- Thread: *A Discussion about Depression and Sim Leagues (/showthread.php?tid=16414)
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*A Discussion about Depression and Sim Leagues - SwagSloth - 11-15-2019
Over the past day, we’ve had a few “decision” articles. I don’t want to make this one of those and I certainly don’t want to step on anyone’s toes. However, yesterday, I did make a decision that I announced only in GM and Outlaws chat. That I was planning on stepping down as GM. It was going to probably come out today and the idea was to transition out of the role over the next 1-2 months. I’m now strongly re-considering that. And before I risk putting myself in a spot where I’m caught flip-flopping, I’ll explain everything that went into it. And a lot of it has to do with my journey here.
Outside of only a few members of the S7-S8 Yellowknife Wraiths, not many people know that I suffer from depression; earlier this year, I was officially diagnosed with “moderate to severe depression”, which I am seeking on-going help on through a variety of different channels at this point. I think we have a few people here who have admitted at times (and I won’t name names) either publicly or in different sub-groups that they’ve had their own struggles with mental health. I think a league like this can be great for bringing people together and making people feel that they have somewhere they belong. Many of us have built real, legitimate friendships here and, if the league folded tomorrow, I know I’d want to keep in touch with many of you. And that there are a lot of you that I don’t know well that I’m sure I’d feel the same way about if I did get to know you better. I think this is a great community and I’m very proud of it. And, if it has indeed helped any of you with mental health or other IRL struggles, then I’m glad for that.
When I first discovered this league, I was working 60-70 hours per week and traveled a lot on the road (which can obviously get lonely). I was browsing fantasy football subreddits when I saw this league. I participated in wrestling e-feds during the late 90’s and early 2000s, which this reminded me of. I’m also a big fan of roleplaying and RPGs as well as football, so this seemed like the perfect thing for me. I was super busy and didn’t know what I was doing, but eventually I got drafted and got to meet some cool people who helped me learn the ropes. A month or so later, I lost my job. As I mentioned, this was a job that occupied a lot of my time and basically took over my life. I was not in a great place over the previous few years and my answer was to just pour my time into my job and ignore the rest of my life. This isn’t healthy, but a lot of people do it. When I lost that job, my world came crashing down and it started me down a difficult road that would force me to confront everything I had been trying to avoid dealing with.
Life has had its ups and downs, but through all that time, the league has been there. And it’s come to mean a lot to me because of that. I think it means a lot to many of us for both the friendships it’s brought and the escape it provides. By day, I’m a man in his late 30’s returning to college to get a degree and start over. But on here, I’m star Quarterback Andrew Reese (aka DREW bREES 2.0). Maybe not a star, but hey, he does alright and gets paid more than the real me, so I’m not complaining. Before that, I was running back / wide receiver Eric Kennedy, former MVP and target of public controversy. And rest assured, I loved it (even if I didn’t initially set out to be controversial). For those not in the know, if you’re wondering why RBs playing outside receiver have to be listed as FBs, we might as well call it the Eric Kennedy rule. I even tend to jokingly apologize to the Receiving Backs whenever I scout them.
From S4-S8, I even got to be the co-GM for the Wraiths. My GM Bzerkap taught me a lot and helped prepare me for life as a GM later on. However, one day in May 2018, I found myself in a bad place and decided to withdraw from the league. I stepped down as co-GM. I still remained active to a degree, but I think my teammates knew I was less engaged in both conversation and player activity. I don’t want to make this article any darker or more uncomfortable than it has to be, but my depression got the better of me that day and it caused me to step away from something that I genuinely enjoyed. Some details were made available in our war room, which is where I confided in a few people about this.
Fast forward about 10 seasons. I’m now GM of a great team filled with amazing people that I enjoy talking with. We actually managed to rebuild successfully and were one of the top 3 teams in the league last season despite there being tons of parity. As any other GM knows from testing, some of the teams that have a reputation for being “bad” tend to look pretty damn good during testing. There were a lot of tough games this last season and I’m incredibly proud of what my guys have done. But being a GM can be very stressful. It’s easy to take things to heart. If you’re good at reading between the lines, you’ve probably noticed a trend with me. When we win a big game or have a great season, I give the credit to the team. When we lose a close game, I blame myself. Maybe I made a mistake in the game plan… or didn’t account for something, Maybe the other team’s game planner is just smarter than I am and was able to pick up apart my strategies. Maybe my max TPE QB that I built has some flaw that I can’t see and is holding the team back. And it’s not just there. When a free agent chooses to sign elsewhere, maybe I didn’t do a good job of pitching to them. When a player of ours goes IA, maybe it’s because I didn’t do enough to keep them invested. Literally every single thing that goes wrong is a chance for me to internally turn myself into a punching bag.
It was really hard for me to read Jiggly’s decision post yesterday. I support any GM’s (or any member of HO’s) decision to move on. I think this league belongs to all of us and it’s good for positions of power to transition between people. If a GM wants to step down because they feel they’re ready, I will always support them in that. But it seemed clear that he questioned himself and, dude, I get it. There are a lot of days when I feel like the worst GM in the league and I wonder why people even trust me in this role. It doesn’t matter what good I’ve done; my mind blocks that out and focuses on the bad. It’s not my place to diagnose any individual or suggest that the reason he feels a certain way is the same reason I feel that way. That would be unfair to them. However, as human beings, I think we’re all prone from time to time to blame ourselves when things don’t go the way we want them to go. And I have an appreciation for when people are hard on themselves because I do that quite frequently. And none of that is easy to admit, by the way. It’s hard to be vulnerable. But maybe when we choose to be vulnerable, it helps others who are also struggling with something of their own. At least I hope it does.
There are a lot of reasons that went into my choice to announce that I would be stepping down yesterday. Some of it is IRL-related and/or due to responsibilities outside of the league. Some of it is perceived flaws in myself. Some of it is actual parts of the job I’m not comfortable with. I think, when it comes to any “job” (whether it’s a real day job or time we volunteer to a group we enjoy being part of), we all have our strengths and weaknesses. And part of succeeding in any job is learning to overcome your weaknesses. My strength has always been the behind the scenes stuff. When it comes to planning DCs, budgets, draft boards, etc., I love that stuff. Some of the other GMs have dubbed me the “accountant” because of how much prep work I do. My weakness, on the other hand, is interacting with people. Truth be told, I love meeting new people. But I’m not great at reading them. And I’m not great at promoting myself to them. I can talk up another person or someone else’s idea all day long, but when you ask me to talk up myself, I start to cringe. I can spend weeks coming up with a plan, but when it comes to selling others on that plan, I often don’t know where to start. I had a great conversation with a free agent on Wednesday night and I was trying to tell them about my long-term plans and how I would incorporate them into those plans, but in the back of my mind, I was questioning myself because I didn’t know if I was getting the message across. Arizona is a great homegrown team and, as I always say, I’m proud of the team we’ve built. But knowing my weaknesses, I always wonder if being able to land that one free agent that went somewhere else might have been the thing that put us over the top. And then I wonder if another person would have succeeded where I failed. We made the top 4 last season. There at 6 teams out there that wish they could have done the same. One of the steps in combating depression is taking account of the things you should be grateful for and that’s something we should definitely be grateful for. But with depression, it’s also easy to fall into that trap of feeling like you’re the one holding everyone back.
I mentioned that there were many reasons for me to step down. But the one reason I don’t have is that I don’t enjoy GMing. Because, as much as it causes me to turn myself into a punching bag at times, I do enjoy it quite a bit. And I enjoyed being a co-GM when I stepped down the first time. A few days after making that decision, I wished I could take it back, but I didn’t want to lose face or look unreliable. People in positions of leadership need to look like they know what they’re doing… even if we question ourselves just as much as anyone else. And maybe that’s something that needs to change in our society. Of course, I can’t and don’t expect to change society… but I can re-think a decision that I might regret. Especially given that I regretted it the first time I made it.
I didn’t have to divulge this publicly. I could have said something in our Locker Room and GM chat and I think everyone would have chalked it up to me having a bad few days and moved on. But maybe there are others who can relate to this, just as I was able to relate to Jiggly’s post. And maybe this type of discussion is good for the league. I’m not a perfect GM and I’m never going to be, but neither is anyone else. The best leaders overcome their weaknesses by working with others to do what they can’t. I have a habit of trying to do everything myself because I don’t want to admit to others that I’m taking on too much or facing a problem that I can’t solve on my own. And, more than likely, the real takeaway from yesterday is that’s what needs to change. I have a great team of people and perhaps the real thing holding us back is that I don’t rely on them enough because I’m too worried they’ll see it as me letting them down. But people are always stronger together than they are apart.
I’ve talked a lot about this league and how my depression relates to it. This affects many aspects of my life. I don’t lay awake at night thinking about the league. This is an escape for me, but it’s also an escape for other people and, knowing how the league has helped me, it makes me want me want to do my best to help others enjoy it. And that part is tough because I do feel responsibility when things go wrong. It’s important not to take your hobbies too seriously. We all need an outlet to relax. While I can channel my problems through the prism of the league, the league is not the source of those problems. These are things I deal with every day, but it would be inappropriate for me to come on here and talk about my personal issues. So, in a way, the only way to relate to anyone here that might also be struggling is to discuss them using the one thing that I know we all have in common, this league.
Long-term, I’m not sure what the future holds and there will be a day when it is genuinely the right time to pass the torch, but many GMs and teammates made it clear to me yesterday that they didn’t want me to step down yet. And so I won’t. I have a great co-GM. I have a great war room. And I have great teammates. And, if I’m honest with them, I think we can work this out. We’re probably doing 80-90% of it right already. We just need to sort out that remaining 10-20%. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this. I realize it was a lot to go through, but it was important to me to share. And, if it means something to even one person out there, then it was worthwhile.
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*A Discussion about Depression and Sim Leagues - ValorX77 - 11-15-2019
Good writeup, thanks for letting us know, we’re here for you man.
*A Discussion about Depression and Sim Leagues - Dylandeluxe - 11-15-2019
The history of the NSFL can't be written without SwagSloth. The league is immeasurably better for having you in it. I commend you for talking openly about it dude cause I know that can be one of the hardest things to do. I'll enjoy our many convo's as we try to figure out this fucking LB grading algorithm and I hope to see you around for many seasons to come.
*A Discussion about Depression and Sim Leagues - Bwestfield - 11-15-2019
Depression is terrible. Mental health is a very difficult thing to manage. I am so glad you are staying as GM. You are really good at it. Someday we will share a locker room and it will be glorious! Let me know if I can ever lend a helping hand with anything.
*A Discussion about Depression and Sim Leagues - Opera_Phantom - 11-15-2019
The good thing about these games is that you can either spend a lot of time here, or you can spend as little time as you want and still have fun.
So, check what's best for you, try different things. And if you need anything, let us know.
*A Discussion about Depression and Sim Leagues - NylarthePhoenix - 11-15-2019
Thank you for writing this.
*A Discussion about Depression and Sim Leagues - SabaDonutMan - 11-15-2019
We love you swag, nothing will change that
*A Discussion about Depression and Sim Leagues - karl - 11-15-2019
glad to hear you're sticking around as gm, you've done a terrific job
*A Discussion about Depression and Sim Leagues - KillaScrilla - 11-15-2019
As a fellow human being and being diagnosed as severe depression/ severe suicidal I commend you for speaking out. It helps when we actually talk to others instead of being alone in our head. Keep it up man. I know it’s tough and I’ve been close to doing things that would harm my family for decades but I won’t give in myself to those thoughts. This place is a great escape for me. I hope I haven’t ruined it somewhat being in my character most the time here but I honestly like most everyone here. Keep your head high my man.
*A Discussion about Depression and Sim Leagues - Murtsi - 11-15-2019
Thank you for sharing all this Swag, life is tough but we have people around us to help us through it. You have always been a great person I have respected for the shorty time I have been here. If you ever need a chat feel free to hit me up