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+---- Thread: *Acura Skyline Adjusts to Living in London (/showthread.php?tid=20045)
*Acura Skyline Adjusts to Living in London - Skyline - 03-09-2020
Acura Skyline’s favorite roommate stories (Loosely based on stories that I have heard from folks IRL, so this disappointingly is not a fully fictional account. If one of these stories is about you, sorry.):
LONDON, ENGLAND.
Acura Skyline, rookie running back for the London Royals of the DSFL, is thrilled to be out of college and playing in a professional league. However, being paid to play the game he loves is only the second most appealing thing to him about going pro. The first is, by far, not having to share his home with a roommate now that he lives alone in London. Skyline sat down with me over the weekend at one of his favorite pubs overlooking the River Thames to share some of his most noteworthy college roommate stories. Here are the highlights (read: lowlights):
1. “So freshman year, I’m the only recruited player who’s put in a dorm with someone who’s not on the team. Not on any team, really, this guy was a kid from Northern California who was just obsessed with grades and wouldn’t stop talking about how much money he is going to make once he graduates. Like he even told me that he was planning on graduating a year early so he could retire earlier. But it didn’t make sense to me because this guy was studying Philosophy, and I’m not sure how many high paying jobs exist right out of college for Philosophy majors, right? Anyways, he was obsessed with his grades, and really took it personally that I was much more focused on football than I was on going to class. So after a couple months, he was so personally offended by my lack of school effort, that he actually handwrote a letter and SENT IT TO MY PARENTS telling them how little I was going to class. S**t was wack. I managed to move out in December and live with someone else. f you’re out there, Brian, what gives man?”
2. “Next roommate seemed like a good dude, just a little messy. Turns out he was the most disgusting person I had ever met. He never bought groceries so I’m talking leaving empty takeout containers all over the floor of his room, not flushing the toilet ever even if we had people over, and leaving Dr. Pepper cans and bottles full of dip spit on every single table or other surface in the apartment. I swear I only saw this dude shower two times, but he would leave his towel hanging in the bathroom and it was like hard as a rock, zero movement of the fabric when you touched it. I don’t know what he was doing to that towel but I’m sure it was absolutely f***ing disgusting. I wish that I never touched it in the first place, I had to basically soak my hands in Purell for twenty-four hours. He would also steal from me and deny it, but like I said he would just leave his trash out so it was pretty ridiculous that I would confront him over eating my bananas and have him deny it, but there were banana peels sitting on the floor of his room. I was certain he was gonna slip on the peels and fall and crack his head open like a cartoon. But the cherry on top: the guy demanded that he have Brita filtered water, no tap. Like he would get angry and yell at people if the Brita was left in the fridge empty. It was unbelievable, this guy who would leave banana peels sitting on the floor of his room for months was too good for unfiltered water. Could not get out of there fast enough”
3. “This next dude I lived with for a summer, and there wasn’t really anything that was a serious problem with him, he was just a bit of a strange character. Like, he was a really smart and nice guy but had terrible social anxiety, so he would only leave the house dressed head to toe in camo specifically so people would think he was some kinda freak to deter strangers from starting conversations with him. He was a big football fan so we got along on that front, but he once spent twenty-four hours straight eating edibles and playing Madden on career mode as Drew Brees’ backup. I think in those twenty-four hours he maybe started one game and played like two hundred practices. Also he insisted that the only thing he knew how to cook was artichoke, so he would have artichoke at least once a day every day. At least he washed his dishes. I do wonder what ever happened to him.”
4. “Next guy I lived with was a really Type A guy, he self identified as a “bio hacker” which generally just meant that he liked to take weird supplements and tell people about how they made his heart beats more efficient. However, some of his hacks weren’t actually hacks, they were just terrible ideas. I remember he watched the “Sun Tea” episode of 30 Rock, where Liz Lemon learns that the writers are pissing in jugs in their offices because they were too lazy to actually go to the bathroom, and he took the entirely wrong message from the show and decided that the writers were actually time efficiency geniuses and that he needed to figure out how to reduce his bathroom time. So the first thing he did was exactly what they did on the show, pee in jugs. But I shut that s**t down fast when I brought a girl over and she asked if we brewed our own ice tea and if she could try some. So then he thought that if nobody can see the piss then it would be fine, so he peed in f***ing empty Pringles cans. As you probably guessed, Pringles cans aren’t exactly watertight containers and a couple of them failed and damaged the carpet, so that wasn’t working. Finally, he actually purchased catheters online, and decided to wear them twenty-four seven hooked up to bags attached to his legs inside his pants. It was gnarly. Ultimately one of the bags was punctured when he was in class, and he got piss all over his leg and the floor and other people’s backpacks. It was a whole mess. I moved out shortly after that. They called him “Piss Boy” basically until he graduated. I couldn’t be Piss Boy adjacent.”
5. “This guy was my most recent roommate, and now that I’m making that pro sports big baller bang bang cash money, guaranteed to be my last roommate. First of all, I knew it was going to be a rough time when the first thing he unpacked on move in day was his cologne collection. Dude had thirty-nine different bottles of cologne and would always wear at least two at any given time. When I asked him why he would mix and match like that he replied with, “I mean, for the same reason people never just get one drink at the soda fountain. You always gotta mix the flavors. Keep the hunnies guessing.” I don’t know who the “hunnies” were or what exactly they were guessing other than why he smelled like a cran-apple had hate sex with a moldy sycamore tree. Additionally, I learned about three weeks after living together that this guy was a drug dealer, which wasn’t actually a big deal because he always went to people’s houses and never had any buyers or suppliers come over to ours. But one time, unbeknownst to me, he picked up a homeless guy on a rainy day and offered to let him stay on our porch until it dried out for “good karma”. Since I didn’t know about this, I came home from practice to find an ambulance and police car sitting outside our house. When I went up to the door, I saw my roommate talking to the police officer with bandages on his arm while some homeless guy was lying unconscious in the corner of the living room. When the cops left with the homeless dude my roommate said that he had tried to sell the homeless guy some drugs, which the homeless guy responded to by starting to piss in the corner of the room. Then my roommate told the homeless guy to get out and the homeless guy tried to stab him, so my roommate locked himself in the bathroom and called the cops. By the time the cops got there, the homeless guy had already fallen asleep in the corner. I moved out immediately.”
There you have it folks, Skyline is well justified in appreciating the no-roommate life. Good luck to everyone with their own roommates. If you have good ones, hold them close, and fully appreciate them while they are with you. It could be so much worse.
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*Acura Skyline Adjusts to Living in London - Billybolo53 - 03-10-2020
Your render is the perfect fit for these stories. Made it come alive for me
*Acura Skyline Adjusts to Living in London - Lightnoir - 03-10-2020
Haha this is totally wild dude. Keep it up.