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+---- Thread: *Investigating Netflix with Thomas Passmann (/showthread.php?tid=20189)
*Investigating Netflix with Thomas Passmann - StamkosFan - 03-16-2020
Hello, I am Thomas Passmann. I have been unfairly slandered in the media everywhere. I can see the undercover cops watching me with binoculars from down the street. So while everyone is investigating me, I want to point out the real criminals to you. To investigate the real scandals.
So I marched down to Netflix HQ. They are not working from home yet, the receptionist immediately ducked down under the desk as I walked in. So I had no problems getting past security.
You see, what if Netflix is responsible for spreading the coronavirus? It is helping their revenue tremendously, people being home all day and watching shows for hours. I had to try to prove this, and breaking into their facility was the obvious way to do that.
A security guard spotted me and tried to stop me. I kicked him in the stomach and pulled him into a headlock. His face turned blue from lack of air and then he passed out. An employee emerged from his office after hearing the commotion, spotted the guard passed out and have blue-tinged skin, and asked, “What happened?”
“It’s just coronavirus,” I answered. “Don’t worry, paramedics will be here soon.”
The employee seemed to believe this and walked away. I followed him to a break room, and tried to eavesdrop on the conversations. One guy in a suit talked about how sales were up by a large margin, which seemed suspicious. I pulled out my phone to record this, but then I was spotted.
“Hey!” An older woman was approaching me, and I prepared for the worst. “You’re a football player right? I didn’t know you were starring in one of our shows, that’s awesome!”
I nodded but mostly tried to ignore her. It was not very effective. She continued to bombard me with questions, and all heads turned my way. I waved at everyone, debating whether I should try to slaughter them all in my head, but decided the numbers were too slanted against me.
“I was just stopping by, I was just about to head out,” I said. “It’s been fun, bye!”
I fled the scene and drove to the Tijuana practice facility. My teammates exchanged looks as they saw my car show up, probably silently confessing their devotion to me to each other. They then all smiled and said in unison, “Hi Thomas, we’re happy to see you!”
Just as I had taught them to say. Maybe I could spare a few of them after all, they were turning out to be good subjects. Good at doing what I said, as all humans should. This practice was going to go well, I could feel it.
But as for outing Netflix? That would have to be saved for another day. I’m telling you, they are behind all of this, more people should be looking at them. Nefarious plots should be only my thing, and I don’t appreciate them infringing on my territory. Back off Netflix.