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*Why is there a Panda playing football? - juniped - 06-04-2020
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Why the HECK is there a Panda playing football in Philadelphia? An Investigation
From the desk of J.Jonah Juniped[/div]
I’m not normally a sports writer, but recently a friend told me about something exciting happening in the world of Football. The Philadelphia Liberty have recently invested in a new wide receiver rookie with some unique traits. First of all he runs a 4.3 40, and has a drive to reach the end zone or die. However, that’s not the trait that stands out. What really got my interest was the fact that this player, Flash Panda, is a Giant Panda. I had to investigate and get the story behind this player.
Now I don’t mean that Flash Panda is bear like. I mean someone let a real life honest to God panda play football. Not only that somehow they taught this panda to run and catch, he can sort of run routes as well. Flash Panda rates as one of the fastest players in the league, and while he is not the total offensive threat he’s getting better. I talked to some fans of the Liberty to see what they thought about this development and I can say that the opinions are mixed. One fan, Boris Allgrahm, a leader in the animal rights group Best Friends Animal Society has been up in arms about this.
“Why the heck is the team letting this happen? Why hasn't the league stepped in? I think I saw some Philly fans throwing batteries at the poor panda.” Allgrahm said. This is surely an experiment in animal cruelty and clearly done for the sick sadistic pleasure of a shadowy overlord of a coach. I don't know how he managed to get the job. I think his dad was the GM or something”.
I had that question myself. Was this a violation of his rights? I decided to look into it and spoke to the NSFL Head Office about it. According to them Flash Panda is smart enough to know what he’s doing and is being treated with the utmost respect. His bone and muscle structure is strong enough that even being tackled by the strongest players in the league isn’t enough to injure him. He seems to be a gentle hearted panda and has never once attacked a player or any member of team staff. In fact they believed that animals playing football with humans is just another step toward both bigger media contracts and towards making people more aware of animal rights problems, despite what some groups think. Flash Panda’s contract is heavily mediated by the Animal Defense League and Pandas agent/handler to make sure everything is above board.
Everything seemed clear to me, Flash Panda was a fully allowed member of the league and even played by their rules, so I set out to find some more accepting fans. I talked to some fans during one of Philadelphia's last games of the season and I’m happy to say that many of them are much more accepting of Panda. In fact some of them have grown to like him so much that he has become their favorite player and there is even a Panda section of the stands, (section PA). Many fans had things to say like “Wow I love pandas! They’re like the celebrities of the animal kingdom and now they’re the celebrity of my favorite sports team.” One eager fan even told me that his firstborn “Juni Panda” was named after Flash Panda, and he hoped that the animal would become a role model to many young children., “There's just no controversy about this panda, how could there be? He’s so cute and he plays out of the love of the game.”
It’s safe to say that while Flash Panda is a controversial figure, in the eyes of the public. So I had to take my investigation elsewhere. I headed to other teams and organizations to learn what they thought about this football playing panda. My first stop was the agencies representing players of the league, how would they market a literal Panda to any prospective teams? To my surprise many thought that it would be much easier than I believed.
“Just say the name Flash Panda and you can see how this panda makes sense as a football player. Not the best with the playbook, but you can't coach speed like that. Plus every panda is lovable.” said famous Agent Tesla. While talking to Agent Tesla I got the chance to also talk to her client Magnus Rikiya. He was very interested in the topic and had nothing but nice things to say about Flash Panda. 'I did not expect to be tackling a literal bear in this league, but I have now played with a couple of them. Flash is a class act and you have to respect any bear that can move like that.’ said Magnus. This was good to note, not often one hears a panda called a class act but that was a sign there was more to this panda than I first saw. I talked to another client of Agent Tesla who wished to remain anonymous, but they had this to say. “'You would not think a panda has a killer instinct, but they are surprisingly good at avoiding contact. Just too cute to tackle sometimes.' Definitely something for me to keep in minds, but I would examine that further, but that feature didn’t make them unmarketable in my mind.
It makes sense to me, pandas are already one of the most marketable animals I can think of. Put Flash Pandas natural speed, agility and huggability and you have a sensation that any team would love to have on their team. Both playing ability and marketing power. Flash Panda has already been featured on the cover of Sports Talk and has been featured in a new line of McDonalds ads just show how much people wanna learn about this amazing panda. So the Panda seems to market to agents as well. I can’t speak for all of them but I’m sure anyone could do well representing him. For people who love the idea of a killer bear playing football, that wasn’t necessarily off the table as well. The question of why a panda was allowed to play was getting closer to my grasp. Alas however, the offseason had started and I was forced to find other ways to conduct my research as many players had become unavailable. So I went to talk to the San Diego Zoo, where an expert on Giant Pandas lived.
I spent a day down in San Diego talking to my friend Professor Oak. According to him Pandas are naturally very athletic, however a life in endangerment recently has led to them being coddled in Zoos. So he had developed a way to get them back to their BEARY intimidating form by letting the babies watch sports in their nurseries and introducing mandatory sports equipment to their enclosures. However Flash Panda was the first success that the program has experienced, and what a success it was. They only meant for the Pandas to become more fit and instead they created the phenom Wide Receiver in Philadelphia. The Pandas natural cuddliness makes them basically immune to tackles, and their claws make holding the ball easy. They can run on 3 legs faster than even we can run on two when they are hungry, which helps make Flash Panda one of the fastest players in the league.
I visited Panda in his home to talk to him however seeing as he can understand but not speak English it was difficult to get quotes, but he wanted to let his fans know that he was disappointed with how his first season went and was looking to get better faster. He admitted that he slacked off his first season in the National Simulation Football League but was going to step it up.
I sat and compiled everything I had so far before the season started. It was quite a bit of discussion with a lot of people. I could taste the story just ahead of me. However I had one more piece to examine. I had talked to almost everyone I could, but now I had to talk to Flash Pandas fellow players. So I packed my bags and headed down to the training facility in Philadelphia to talk to the Liberty.
When I got back to Philadelphia I got the chance to sit down with the head of the team, Derek Yeeter and Assistant GM Tropical Skittles. I asked them what made them draft such a strange player and what they had thought of the experiment so far. "Well when it came to the combine we saw this little Panda on the field. Tim and I thought this was some kind of half time show or new gimmick they were doing for ratings but then the Panda ran a 4.3 40 and everything changed.” Yeeter said. “First we had to call PETA to see if it was even legal because there's only 8 pandas left on the planet. They never responded so we figured let's draft him. Who's going to tackle a bear? Not me." All very good reasons, and seem to be good reasons. I wouldn’t tackle a panda, but I’m not a football player. Just a reporter.
I got some time with Skittles and he talked about his feelings and how they got him to run so fast, and I have to say the method surprised me. “Pandas are weird man. But the one on our team is the most unique. Due to his size, our panda constantly trips the other team. I learned the best way to get him to the endzone was to plant some bamboo on the other side of the goal posts. Panda just zooms towards it.” is what he told me. I was wondering how they managed to get Flash Panda to head the right direction and honestly it’s genius. These Philadelphia GMs surprised me with the open mindedness and resourcefulness on ways to get the most out of Flash Panda. They gave me a tour of the facilities and walked me through a typical day of training with Flash Panda. Between teaching a bear to run simple routes and doing physical training they had to bring in a special coach named Dr. Doolittle in order to Panda to his peak physical condition for the season. I really enjoyed my time with them but the next day I had more rocks to turn over. I had to talk to the players that Flash Panda played with, how did they feel about playing with a Panda.
The next day the first person I talked to was actually one of the star rookies Matt Cross. I asked him what he thought of Panda and he told me he had actually played with Flash Panda in the Development Leagues as well. " I mean playing with a panda is nothing new for me, we played together for a whole year in Norfolk and were called up together to Philly. I love having a panda on the team, watching him run around the field tripping the defenders is a lot of fun.” said Cross. “It's always challenging covering him in practice too so he really helps me get better as a player. At the end of the day he's just an adorable fluffy panda who wants to catch 40 yard bombs and score some touchdowns. I didn’t expect that when I first saw him in Norfolk but he was able to change my mind pretty quickly." Cross then introduced me to Suleiman Ramza, one of his teammates from Norfolk who was drafted by Philly but had yet to be called up. He was spending the month in Philly to train for the upcoming season.
Ramza had much different thoughts than Cross however. “Tell me something, have you ever had to hand a ball to a panda ?” He asked me (Panda played Running back in the DSFL). “Those guys are freaking scary, and their hands are super sharp! Half the times in practice, he wasn't even there, he had managed to fall asleep on the field. I guess I have to give a Panda some credit for being able to carry the ball so well” This was the first sign of fear I had heard from another player in the league with him. Maybe Ramza wasn’t sold on the cuddliness, or maybe throwing to a Panda in practice had given him different insight than defending him in practice. So I had to go talk to Brandon Booker, another defensive back on the team.
He was pretty straightforward with me when I asked, about Flash Panda. “I have to admit, I was a little surprised when I learned that one of my new teammates was a panda.” He told me. “It’s pretty weird, but I guess in the DSFL last season I did play against a team fielding what appeared to be a literal hexagon at safety. I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to lining up opposite a panda in practice, but if it helps the team win games I suppose I’m all for it” Now that second part about a hexagon I had not heard about, and I filed it aside for a follow up article, but his views about Panda made sense to me. It’s strange but the benefits of having a literal bear on your team can’t be ignored. Ladies love him and defenders can be intimidated by him or lulled in by his cuteness until he gets away from you and makes a 40 yard catch.
I just needed one more puzzle piece, sure he was a on the field threat, sure he was one of the most marketable players out there to some people, but what was he like as a team member? I met with Warren Stephens, a Linebacker on Phillly who I was told was Flash Pandas drinking buddy. According to him he and Panda went out to get drinks together after every game, and honestly I was surprised. “"Pandas are fun to get drunk with because they basically act drunk even when they're sober. But you should see this panda once he's gotten a couple pina coladas in him!” Stephens laughed. Apparently Panda loved to do Karaoke when he got drunk with Stephens, even if he didn’t have the vocal cords to sing. Besides being a great teammate it seemed he was always chill with the rest of the team, even letting some of them rest on his fur when they were tired and waiting to go back in. “The Locker Room environment is nothing bad, in fact Panda is very helpful! Since he doesn't have to get into pads or anything he can spend his time in the locker room helping the rest of us get ready! Have you ever had a bankrub from a panda? It’s divine.” said another of Pandas teammates. I was astounded and taken aback. I learned more than I had ever expected to about this Flash Panda and my life which was made better because of it.
In conclusion, Flash Panda can be a slightly controversial figure. To some he is a shame, an animal player a sport designed for humans. However to others he is a friend, a rival, or even a role model. To some he is a sign that there is nothing in life that can keep you from achieving your dreams, no matter your height, weight, skin color, race or species. Panda was a clear sign that even animals can dream of playing football, and with the right help and encouragement can make it. Perhaps this is the next step in marketing and salesmanship as well, taking things people already love and combining them, like football and pandas. Maybe perhaps this was simply a coincidental science experiment gone right one time out of millions. I don’t think anyone but Flash Panda really knows, and he’s not telling, I have my own thoughts, but perhaps for the first time I don’t have a clear answer. So I write this to you dear reader, please read what I have found and consider the answer for yourself. Why the HECK is there a Panda playing football in Philadelphia? Money? Fame? Love? Passion? Or perhaps a deeply coded and brainwashed mindset created by scientists? I know what I think, but this is one instance where perhaps you have to answer that yourself. Please feel free to let me know what you think by contacting my editor at the Daily Bugle. Farewell and happy investigating.
J. Jonah. Juniped
(2829 Words according to Google Docs)
Sorry for the wall of text
*Why is there a Panda playing football? - roastfuego - 06-04-2020
Tropical Skittles approves
*Why is there a Panda playing football? - J0EB - 06-04-2020
I love this so much, playing with a Panda has been so much fun
