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+---- Thread: *Brick Van Sanzo discusses DE prospects (/showthread.php?tid=24484)
*Brick Van Sanzo discusses DE prospects - snazzlepuss22 - 07-31-2020
In anticipation of the upcoming DSFL draft, we had a wonderful chance to catch up with DE prospect Brick Van Sanzo and ask him about his opinions / analysis on his Fellow DE Prospects.
While Brick doesn't claim to be an expert on rating his fellow prospects (in fact the only thing he claims to be an expert on is breaking his enemies and hearing the lament of their loved ones) we thought it would be interesting to get his take on other DE prospects.
The first time I met Brick I approached him from the wrong angle and he put me through the ceiling of a long john silvers, after 2 months of recovery in the ICU and a lot of sponge baths to remove the scent of fried fish; I finally get the chance to meet up with Brick again, this time in our very own office building.
With a security team of 4 ex marines armed with stun batons I finally feel safe enough to sit across an 8 foot table with to chat with Brick.
His figure looms on the other side of the table, a hulking figure perched atop a comically small metal chair; from this angle he looks to be a spinning top made to ruin the lives of Offensive lineman, running backs and Quarterbacks.
Q: Hi Brick, its good to see you again. Are you ready to chat about your chances in the DSFL draft and talk about your fellow prospects a bit?
A: Hello fishman, Chance means nothing to Brick. Brick had statistics class once and was failing, Brick then removed tires from professors car with bare hands. Brick got A+.
Q: Where do you think you'll go in the upcoming draft?
A: That is a question for small men with Skinny arms.
At this point Bricks chair breaks and I reflexively call my guards to me and curl into the fetal position. The guards go find a much larger chair for Brick and once I wipe away my tears and change my pants I am ready to continue my conversation with this.....monster.
Jake Sackson
Q: Lets just get right to this, Lets start by discussing Jake Sackson
A: Haha, you said sack.
Q: What do you think of this prospect?
A: Brick like his name, He big man but he doesn't look very strong. Very fast though, moves like Bricks mom's cat. Brick's moms cat named boots. Brick loves boots, she's fluffy and has tongue like sandpaper.
Q: Oookay, well this isn't abou...
A: Boots sometimes like to sleep with brick, she sounds like her belly full of bees when shes happy. Brick Hates bees.
Q: Please can we not talk about your boots anymor...
A: YOU DARE TO INSULT BOOTS?!?!
Q: No please I didn't mean any insult
A: RAAAAAAAAAAWGGGGHG
Brick destroys the table by hammering both fists down onto it at the same time, luckily Bricks mom is also in attendance and has brought boots with her. The guards go to replace the table and Brick happily strokes boots in his new chair, boots mews enthusiastically and Brick giggles as she licks his massive hands.
In this light its like you almost forget the man could kill you with two of his fingers. Once I pull myself together and change into my second pair of backup pants the questions continue.
Jeffery Jefferson
Q: Okay lets move onto the next prospect. Jeffery Jefferson.
A: Boring name, don't like him.
Q: People don't get to choose their name Brick, what do you think of him as a player?
A: He strong, he fast. Not as fast as Brick.
Q: Anything else you would like to say to him?
A: Theme song to his TV show overrated, Brick prefer Good Times.
Owen Isaac
Q: I have no opinions on mid 1970s television, so lets move on to Owen Isaac
A: PASS
Q: What? You can't just pass
A: BRICK SAID HE PASS
Q: Alright shit man.
Raylan Crowder
Q: Alright well what do you think of Raylan Crowder?
A: Hahaha is like Raylan Givens and Boyd Crowder have baby.
Q: Uhhm what?
A: AS I LIVE AN BREATH RAYLAN GIVENS
Q: Please Brick you're scaring me
A: AHAHAAH THEY DUG COAL TOGETHER, DOUBLE MEANING NOW CAUSE BABY
Q: Oh god is he going manic
At this point Bricks mother pulls me aside and explains there is a show called Justified and that Brick loves it, claiming everyone should watch it because its "Super Dope". I'm beginning to question why I got into this situation and why I decided that getting put into the ceiling of a long John silvers wasn't enough to stop my foolish pursuit of Journalistic integrity.
I make a note to watch Justified.
Henry Grant
Q: Moving on to Henry Grant
A: Strong name, Strong arms. Fast man. I like him.
Q: Really?
A: NO!!!! BRICK BETTER. BRICK CRUSH ALL COMPETITION
Q: But there's a right and a left DE, you mean to say you dislike all other DE's?
A: Nah, if we on same team we cool.
Hank Sakner
Q: Okay what about Hank Sak...
A: Ahahaha
Q: ner...
A: hahahaha, You said it AGAIN
Q: Any other opinions on him?
A: Sure thing, Very strong man, explosive off the line. Speed a little lower than others though.
Q: Woah, seriously?
A: Seriously what? BRICK SOFT SPOKEN SOMETIMES
Albert Ruschmann
Q: How about Albert Ruschmann?
A: ALBERT?! WHAT A NERD!
Q: Well that hardly seems fair, judging a person on his name alone.
A: You can't build a house with ALBERTS, YOU BUILD A HOUSE WITH BRICKS.
Q: Any other comments?
A: You smell like walleye.
Bobby Hoffman
Q: Bobby Hoffman?
A: You mean Biking guy? Biking guy awesome
Q: No I believe that's Mat Hoffman and I think he passed
A: WHAT?! BIKING GUY GONE?!
At this point things got a little heated but Bricks mother came in and cleared it up. Explaining to Brick the situation. Brick wipes away tears with the massive hams that are his hands and requests a moment of silence. How can someone so big and scary seem so gentle in a moment? The way he gently caresses boots, the shimmer in his eyes at hearing one of his heroes is gone. This is a very human moment. If this man cares about a team like he cares about the things he loves then hes going to have a very happy locker room.
This continues for a moment until one of the Guards inform him that Mat Hoffman is in fact alive and it was another BMX legend who passed away.
Brick is so relieved that he picks me up in a bear hug and breaks 3 of my vertebrae, Brick feels so bad about this that he comes to my hospital bedside to finish the interview.
At this point I am in and out of consciousness so we make it quick
Sam Roes
Q: Sam Roes?
A: Isn't that like fish eggs?
Abdul-Jabbar Abid
Q: Abdul-Jabbar Abid?
A: Ab...dul...Ja-Ja-JA AVID?!
Brick continues to roll the different pieces of the name off his tongue, never really pronouncing anything the way he would like to. Eventually he gives up and just says "He OK"
Sack Daddy
Q: Sack...
A: AHAHAHAHAHA
Q: Daddy?
A: HAHAHAHAHA
Crozier McCoy
Q: How about Crozier McCoy?
A: Great Breakfast sandwich, okay player
Q: Breakfast Sandwich?
A: Yeah you know, Crozier Madam? Must be his mom or something.
Vick Vinegar
Q: How about Vick Vinegar?
A: Very Strong, Not very fast. Great on potato Chips.
Troy Watson
Q: And Finally Troy Watson?
A: He seems okay, pretty well balanced attack.
Well there you have it folks,
BRICK BETTER