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*The First 46 - JBLAZE_THE_BOSS - 11-21-2020
JUDGE MAX
By Max Erner
When I was a young boy, my Grandma told me: “Maxwell, what matters most is inside. There is nothing that you can know about someone before peeling through their layers of life. Treat people like they’re onions, you need to peel back some skin and some layers are tougher than others before you reach the core. The secret to being a great person is being able to look past the exterior into the soul of those close you encounter. The best part of the story is within the two covers, Max. Be sure to never judge a book by its cover.” My Grandma—the matriarch of the Erner Family, with sage words of wisdom that have stuck with me and will until the end of time. However, now, as an adult who has had time to reflect on this for years says this: Shut up Grandma, you’re dead and you don’t know anything.
Judging a book by its cover is one of my favorite activities, it’s a top five hobby if we’re being honest. I’m the type of guy who looks up new release novels on Amazon and leaves reviews solely based on what the cover and inner sleeve look like. I am quick to judgement, and there is nothing that anyone in my audience- or even the spirit of my sweet Grandma is going to change.
What better time to put my hobby to good use than the ISFL Draft? This collection of world-recognized talent will be continuing the journey of the league that has just celebrated their quarter-century season. Without further ado, here are the Season 26 Draftees Ranked: By name. There is no scientific formula, there is no scoring system, there is just me and the best evaluator on the planet—my brain. I will, however, be providing a final score. These names will be ranked on a scale of 1-5 blunts, 1 being equal to a .4 of middies rolled into a stale cigarillo and a 5 is top shelf medical grade flower rolled into a 100-dollar cigar.
1. BamBam McMullet – Berlin Fire Salamanders
Analysis: If I were ranking the names of the teams in this Draft, the Fire Salamanders would receive a score of 0 Blunts. Their team name is the equivalent of rolling up a fatty only to find out that the only lighter in the house is out of butane and you never learned how to light a match because you were too busy doing other shit during Boy Scouts. Alas, we are judging the name of the player and I have to say I feel positively about this one. It isn’t a home run because, let’s face it, the last name needs some work. McMullet does not exactly scream intimidation, but BamBam is a great name for a linebacker. Hopefully he ends up staying on that side of the ball and can give some serious brain trauma to his opponents.
Rating: 3 Blunts out of 5
2. Dogwood Maple – New York Silverbacks
Analysis: I was close to tearing this name a new one. Then—something from the beyond told me hey, Max, go ahead and do some research on this name. Sure as shit, this guy loves plants almost as much as I do. While he isn’t named after anything that would be considered a Sativa or an Indica, this dude clearly has a fascination with foliage. Dogwoods are quite frankly beautiful no matter if they are pink or white. The maple tree gets me excited down south because it connects me to my Canadian ancestral heritage. As an American who sometimes wishes he could dig up the 200 year old corpse of their Canadian relatives to apply for dual citizenship, I have nothing but respect for this.
Rating: 3.5 Blunts out of 5
3. Ernest Lover – Baltimore Hawks
Analysis: I’ve always been more of a fighter than a lover, so I’m immediately suspicious of this guy. His first name is also Ernest, which gives off heavy dork vibes. I think this man was bullied for the first 14 years of his life until he came back from summer vacation Freshman year of high school looking like Ron Simmons. This behemoth would squash me in three seconds if I ever said this to his face, but with a name like this, you have to be a freak or else everyone would just make fun of you your entire life. The name needs a little more mojo, and it doesn’t move the needle here or in my shorts. Damn! So far, this name is easily the worst of the bunch.
Rating: 1.75 Blunts out of 5
4. Arthur Naught- Yellowknife Wraiths
Analysis: I’m 75% sure this is this guy’s name in real life. It’s so unique, I’ve never seen it anywhere in any of the sim leagues I’ve had the pleasure of being in, but it does Naught jump off the page as a great name to me. The only Arthur that I respect is a scholarly aardvark whose best friend is a wise-cracking rabbit. As much as I love that Arthur, it blinds my judgement of anyone else with the name who I immediately deem Naught worthy of serious consideration of my time. Some people might think that using your real name in a sim league is cool. Naught me. How long did Ernest Lover’s time at the bottom of my list last? Naught very long.
Rating: 1.5 Blunts out of 5
5. Vincent Jones – New Orleans Second Line
Analysis: Now this is a name that I actually like a lot, it’s simple but powerful at the same time. It is important here that he goes by Vincent. This name screams composed and professional, he’s all business. If he went by “Vin” I’d expect him to be a shitty actor, and if he went by “Vinny” I’d assume he was a barber who takes some action on sports games on the side as a bookie when you go get a cut. The last name Jones doesn’t get more common than that unless you’re a Smith or Johnson, but combined with Vincent it somehow works. It’s probably because when you see the first name Vincent, you sure as hell are not thinking the dude’s last name is going to be Jones. Good luck keeping up with the Jones’s in this competition.
Rating: 3.75 Blunts out of 5
6. Ryan Negs – Philadelphia Liberty
Analysis: Ryan Negs is a man with whom you have to be careful to speak clearly and loudly when addressing by his last name in public, so honestly, you’re probably a lot better off if you just call him Ryan. He’s another one who I feel like has a strong possibility of this being an actual name, or at least a shortened version of his real name. The first name is way more vanilla than his last name, so he isn’t getting any consideration for best name. He has an okay name, definitely not the worst but surely not the best—much like his render Daniel Jones.
Rating: 2.5 Blunts out of 5
7. Cobra Kai – Honolulu Hahalua
Analysis: Honolulu has “haha” in their name, and that is the only part of the 7th pick that makes me laugh. This guy is named after a movie that does not age well from 40 years ago, which inspired a modern-day reinterpretation miniseries that absolutely nobody asked for. I don’t want to hear any jokes about Johnny or Mr. Miyagi, this name is getting me angrier the more I write and think about it. Is it a coincidence that the username for this player is OrbitingDeath? Because this name makes me want to go play in traffic with dark clothes on at night.
Rating: 1.5 Blunts out of 5
8. Alexander Franklin – Chicago Butchers
Analysis: This guy took a combination of names that were important in America about 300 years ago and somehow ended up with this as his name. Alexander Hamilton and Benjamin Franklin aside, this name just screams out dork to me. Another one, another dork on the list. Look out Alexander, I hope you get glasses or else everyone’s going to call you “Four Eyes Franklin” for your entire career. How are you supposed to be an offensive lineman when you’re too busy fixing your spectacles to pull out the pancakes? Maybe we should ask him what his middle name is—freakin’ George? This name is a mayonnaise sandwich on white bread. So far, this Draft is not living up to my expectations. There needs to be serious improvement for me to gain respect for them as a whole.
Rating: 1.75 Blunts out of 5
9. Moe Skeeter – Arizona Outlaws
Analysis: Look, we could sit here all day and talk about how the Arizona Outlaws shouldn’t even exist in this league because of the rampant cheating that took place at the beginning of the league life cycle. I mean, why mention the multi-player scandal that resulted in multiple illegitimate Ultimus championships? Anyways, to the point—this name is the balls. I hate mosquitos but I would make love to Moe Skeeter within 15 minutes of meeting him, if the circumstances were right. The name Skeeter reminds me of the children’s television show Doug, but it also reminds me of ejaculating.
Rating: 4.20 Blunts out of 5
10. Demon Jaxson – Sarasota Sailfish
Analysis: I sold my soul to Satan when I was 13 years old in exchange for the Boston Red Sox winning the 2004 World Series. You could say I have a soft spot for Demons, and this is no different. I would imagine a lot of times people call Mr. Jaxson “Damien”, and that must be annoying. The last name Jaxson is an interesting spelling that I’m not crazy about, but it’s better than other variations of the name so it does not get crushed too badly here. He could also easily just go by “DJ Jaxson” which I think would also be nice, but not as cool as Demon. Demon is the type of name that’s going to scare away middle-aged, cottage cheese legged, triple chinned, needs a cane to walk through Wal-Mart Karen’s from attending your games and thus opening more spots in the stadium for hotter women to show up. Everyone’s a winner.
Rating: 3.5 Blunts out of 5
11. Derek Wildstar – Berlin Fire Salamanders
Rating: The team with the worst name does it again, they drafted a guy with a solid name. Do I think it’s a better name than BamBam McMullet? That’s where things get really difficult for me. I try to judge these names independently of each other, but to provide legitimacy to my analysis, I need to be observant of what the final rankings would be. Wildstar is not as corny of a last name that it could be, luckily his first name is Derek. I don’t love the spelling of Derek, could’ve used some creativity but instead it’s spelled in the whitest way possible. Wildstar is going to have a lot of opportunities to be a spokesman in Germany, I could see the electronic music crowd opening up a rave center in his name. Those Germans love trance music and orgies, they will love Wildstar as well—as long as he isn’t a dork and allows himself to be marketed properly. If this guy ends up being a prude, his rating will go down drastically in the future.
Rating: 3.25 Blunts out of 5
12. Leonard Taylor – Yellowknife Wraiths
Analysis: The Wraiths bounce back from their first round name dud and pick up a name stud with Leonard Taylor. Taylor sounds like a guy who came out of his mother with a full beard and dropped balls. He’s been a man since he was 8 years old, and I think based on this name he will be a huge success at the next level. This isn’t a Leo or a Lenny. This is fucking Leonard, don’t waste his time. Taylor has a tremendous linebacker lineage to his last name, which just is the cherry on top for this great choice. I hope to see Leonard be a top five player in this draft, and if he is not, I’m going to start calling him Len.
Rating: 4 Blunts out of 5
13. Redbeard McFredbeard – Colorado Yeti
Analysis: This just confirms my suspicions that “McMullet” is not an original last name. The latest comedian decided to put “Mc” on their last name and just run with it. I can appreciate the fact that this guy is a big, fat, tub of human mass who is going to rip the head off of quarterbacks for years to come. That’s fine. However, from the only picture I’ve seen of him, he does not even have a red colored beard. This needs to change, or else he is going to find himself out of work. I don’t care if he needs to go through Ed Sheerin’s bathroom waste bin and glue the hairs he finds in there to his face before he takes the field—this son of a bitch better have a fluorescent red beard. Nothing against the Irish, but I hope the future of this league as way fewer players with the last name beginning with “Mc”.
Rating: 2.5 Blunts out of 5
14. Tugg Speedman – San Jose Sabercats
Analysis: The Sabercats are winning on the field and on Draft day. Tugg Speedman sounds like a superhero I would make based off of the actions of myself at 13 years old and a broadband internet connection, parents are asleep, and a fresh bottle of Jergen’s. Now, as an adult, Tugg Speedman still resonates with me, but more so his last name. It has nothing to do with how quickly I can run the 40 yard dash, but more along the lines of if I can look myself in the mirror after intercourse. Tugg Speedman challenges all of us to be introspective and dig deep within, I am no different. The double g at the end of his name is aggressive and welcomed.
Rating: 4 Blunts out of 5
15. Raphael Delacour – Chicago Butchers
Analysis: I wish there was a way to track if I’m right about my instincts of people using their government names for the ISFL. Raphael Delacour is such a baffling name, there is no other explanation than that it was really given to him by people at least 20-25 years older than him. I have to admit, the name Raphael does absolutely nothing for me. I don’t care for the Ninja Turtles, and when the most famous person to have your name is a cartoon turtle, you’re not doing so hot. Delacour, I’m not even going to touch this. It’s a disaster. Naught the worst name, but this is really close.
Rating: 1.75 Blunts out of 5
16. AJ Lucas – Baltimore Hawks
Analysis: I’m convinced we had back-to-back players who have used their actual names for this. AJ Lucas is an okay name. I’m not a big fan of only using two letters and calling that your name, but whatever floats your boat. Lucas is a way better last name than a first name, if it was his first name he may very well be at the bottom of the list. AJ Lucas sounds like a player who will be fine, make some Pro Bowls, and ride off into the sunset. He probably won’t accomplish much until he learns to accept the other letters in his first name—or accept the fact that his father does not control his life. Hopefully this guy is not a Jr and calls himself “A-firstname Junior”, that would be brutal.
Rating: 2 Blunts out of 5
17. Slurms McKenzie – Austin Copperheads
Analysis: This is the first Austin entry of the evening, and it’s a pretty good one. I’m not sure what Slurms is short for, but it reminds me of the word slurps, and who doesn’t love a big ole Slurpee. He may be an Irish national and that’s why I, an American, don’t recognize his first name but I don’t want to give him too much credit. I don’t think he’s exceptionally Irish because he spells his name “McKenzie” instead of “Mackenzie”, and everyone knows the real Irish are the Mac’s. Despite my hatred for the other “Mc” last names in this draft, this last name isn’t a forced joke that falls flat. The first name might be, but the last name isn’t!
Rating: 2.5 Blunts out of 5
18. Tom Teboat – Arizona Outlaws
Analysis: This name is dangerously close to Tim Tebow, but in a way that is actually funny. If he ends up being a good player, he’s going to be called Tom Te-GOAT, and that kind of potential does play into my initial judgement of his person’s name. The name Tom is close to my heart, but Teboat has to be careful to be himself and not live up to the expectations that the first name Tom gives someone. Being a TE and having those letters in his last name is another layer of this that makes me appreciate how clever it is. This is a sneaky good name and I expect a lot out of Teboat now. If he ends up sucking, he will go from TeGOAT to TeBLOWS.
Rating: 3.75 Blunts out of 5
19. Mr. Forty-Two – New Orleans Second Line
Analysis: Unless this is in homage to Jackie Robinson, I think this name sucks. It is certainly an interesting name, but is it interesting enough for me to really want to dig deep and find out the meaning behind it? Not at all. I discussed earlier how much I dislike two letter first names, that is no different for Mr. Forty-Two here. What happened, Mr.? Did your mom Suzy Forty marry Barry Two and hyphenate the last name? Where does 42 come from? The only thing with 42 I like in it is the number 420, and this isn’t even close. With the first name Mr. it commands respect, but all the respect is out the window when your last name is a number.
Rating: 1.75 Blunts out of 5
20. Mario Messi – Baltimore Hawks
Analysis: I hate soccer, but I like this name. Clearly inspired by the other football, this name still works. I would usually hate the first name Mario but following it up with a last name that starts with M gives this dude an advantage in my book. I love me some alliteration, and Mario Messi checks off those boxes in a big way. He will have a lot of expectations on him because of his last name, but if he’s bold enough to do this I have faith that he won’t be a complete bust. How do you have the audacity to name yourself Messi and then go out and suck? I can’t see that happening, and I like Super Mario Messi, he’s going to be on a lot of commercials in Baltimore.
Rating: 3.25 Blunts out of 5
21. Lalo Salamanca – Honolulu Hahalua
Analysis: This is a tremendous name. Who doesn’t love Better Call Saul? The name is fantastic, it is powerful and colorful. It is another name that does carry other risk to it, though. If you decide to call yourself Lalo Salamanca, you need to be a top two WR on your team or else nobody is going to take you seriously. Also, this is a bold choice to go with this name before the series is over. You could easily end up looking at this name completely differently in either good ways or bad ways, depending on how the show’s story winds up. You could’ve gone with Chuck McGill before season 3, and by the beginning of season 4 you’d be looked at completely differently, sorry for the spoilers. The username is also pretty powerful, Fordhammer sounds like a fucked-up guy I want nothing to do with.
22. Caven McRae – Baltimore Hawks
Analysis: The Hawks have a lot of picks early on in this Draft, but they did not take a name winner here. Caven McRae is not a great name. I swear I must have mild dyslexia because my brain wants to change your name to Craven McRae, it completely rejects the reality that Caven is an actual first name. I’m not sure what kind of fantasy world this name came from, but I hope McRae is the only Caven in the league. Could this be a sneaky candidate for being a real name? I bet it is. If so, I’m not going to have a good time in Baltimore anytime soon.
Rating: 2.25 Blunts out of 5
23. Logan Sarrasin – Arizona Outlaws
Analysis: You say “Logan” I say: Airport. There’s no way that I can take this person seriously because they share a name with the monstrosity of Massachusetts, Logan Airport. Having spent some time there myself, I can testify to the overpriced nature of all products no matter the retailer, and for it being generally a disaster to drive into and out of. Sarrasin as a last name sounds like it could be a stripper’s name if you change it to Sara Sin. Don’t get any ideas, Logan. The combination of my internal bias towards his first name and the outrageousness of the last name, I don’t know what to make of this name. It does nothing for me, but it doesn’t make me physically angry like some of the other names have so far. Good for you.
Rating: 2.25 Blunts out of 5
24. LeBron James III – Sarasota Sailfish
Analysis: Naming yourself after the best basketball player of his generation is a bold decision and it creates a big reputation to follow up. Historically, sim leagues do not treat players well who name themselves after LeBron James. I recall an individual who went by the name LeBron King Gonzalez. Every league he was in, teams would draft him just because his name had LeBron and King in it, and they wanted to see cool graphics with their team logo. In every one of those leagues, he was drafted way too high and he never panned out. Will this be the fate of LeBron James III? If he wants to change history, he is going to have to work for it, but he’s in a great organization to pull it off. He performed well at the DSFL level which makes me feel better about not totally hating the name.
Rating: 2.5 Blunts out of 5
25. Evan Jones – Chicago Butchers
Analysis: I was right- if you have the last name Jones you need to be really careful about what your first name is. I struggle to think of a less-intimidating name than Evan. Evan Jones sounds like a scrawny dork that gets stuffed inside of lockers on the regular. This is a person that could benefit from two first names or a hyphenated last name. The name does not make me feel anger, but it doesn’t make me feel great either so that’s the worst thing, the name feels like nothing. There’s nothing behind this name that worries me.
Rating: 1.75 Blunts out of 5
26. Makoto Otawara – New York Silverbacks
Analysis: This name is fine, it is surely unique and will present Otawara a lot of opportunities to be a spokesman and to sell merchandise. I like the username a lot more than the player name here, I would expect TubbyTim69 to come up with something a little better than this, since you proved by your username you have a sense of humor. You may be looking to take this player more seriously so you chose this name from the Far East, I like that it adds some unique flair and flavor to this generally bland Draft dish thus far.
Rating: 3.25 Blunts out of 5
27. Captain John Price – Berlin Fire Salamanders
Analysis: I was already a little suspect of this name and then I saw that he was taken by Berlin, so I guess this is a perfect match. The worst team name in the league has drafted a player with an equally awful name. Others have seemed to get their inspiration from athletes, this one is of a fictitious war veteran from a video game that is for Mature audiences only. How is Berlin going to sell anything with this guy’s name on it without getting slapped with a cease and desist from Activision? Price might be a safety, but there is no Price he could pay to get out of this disaster of a name.
Rating: 1.75 Blunts out of 5
28. Jaja Ding Dong – San Jose Sabercats
Analysis: This shit is hilarious. Finally, we have a legitimate homerun for the first and last name. The first name Jaja, which is Spanish for “Haha”, really sets the tone here. The Ding Dong? That makes my ding dong excited. You put them together and you have a funny dick, which is kinda how I look at myself. I think San Jose got an all-time name with this pick and the fact Ding Dong plays Tight End makes me think he’s really going to stretch the field and make it hard to move out there for the opponent. This is the best name of the draft thus far.
Rating: 5 out of 5 Blunts
29. Big Slammu – Yellowknife Wraiths
Analysis: Look, I’m not going to pretend like I watched Street Sharks as a kid but I have no other option but to respect this. Even if it wasn’t named after an existing character, a defensive player named Big Slammu is intimidating. It sort of sounds like Big Shamu, which reminds me of Sea World which is not the best thing to be affiliated with. I can see the signs in Yellowknife now “SLAMMU IS GONNA SLAMM U” as he rains elbow drops upon offensive linemen and ballcarriers. I don’t love the first name “Big”, but looking at the other names of steroided sharks from this program, Big Slammu might be the best choice.
Rating: 3 Blunts out of 5
30. Maiteers Rico-Shea – Orange County Otters
Analysis: This name sucks and so do the Otters.
Rating: 1 Blunt out of 5
31. Chet Larson – Baltimore Hawks
Analysis: Baltimore continues drafting their entire team in this one, and they have connected with a good one here. Chet Larson sounds like a guy who brings his own lunch to work, eats the same thing every day for 44 years, retires, and dies 6 months later. Now, in the world of the ISFL, Chet has a chance to re-write his destiny and become a respectable professional football player. He’s going to be in a good program to stretch his wings and fly around the field. His mother can call him Chester, but if anyone else does, he’s going to snap their neck. Steer clear of Chet Larson if you’re holding onto the pigskin, or if you have a girlfriend that you want to keep.
Rating: 3.5 Blunts out of 5
32. Schumi Hulkenvettel – Berlin Fire Salamanders
Analysis: This is an example of Berlin drafting the local guy just to sell tickets and merchandise, and I can’t hate them for it. This name has a lot of letters in it, and the way they are ordered, makes me a little bit ornery. I’m a filthy American so I guess the smug Germans might say that I’m not cultured, but I have never in my life seen anyone named Schumi. Any man who willingly calls himself a name that ends with an “e” sound like he’s 12 years old does lose a bit of respect from me. The last name saves this monstrosity because Hulkenvettel sounds like a state of mind the German version of Hulk Hogan goes into that’s Deutschland’s Hulkamania.
Rating: 2 Blunts out of 5
33. Jonathan Shuffleboard – New Orleans Second Line
Analysis: When I see this name, I’m not sure if it’s a football player or a geriatric porn star. Nobody under the age of 68 enjoys playing shuffleboard or even knows what it really is. For those in the league who are 69(nice) or older, you will appreciate this name more than I will and therefore it could be higher on your list than it is on mine. Shuffleboard keeps things classy choosing to go by Jonathan instead of Jon or Jonny or John or Jack. He has a built in advertising campaign with all of the senior living establishments in the greater New Orleans area, and should make a lot of money on customized Shuffleboard accessories. This was a good move on and off the field for everyone involved. Old people love warm weather and Mardi Gras, they will buy Shuffleboard jerseys by the dozens.
Rating: 3 Blunts out of 5
34. Laxus Dreyar – Philadelphia Liberty
Analysis: If it weren’t for this render I would’ve had no idea that this is based on an actual character from some obscure anime program that I would never watch but hey whatever floats your boat. Laxus sounds like laxative, which makes you shit. Dreyar sounds like dryer. Is this guy taking dookies in dryers and running away? If you want to call him Lax, this also pisses me off because it means either lacrosse, or a lackadaisical effort and not trying. If I was a nerd who enjoyed Fairy Tails, this would resonate more with me. Since I’m out of touch and don’t know anything about it, this name is going to suffer the consequences.
Rating: 1.75 Blunts out of 5
35. Richard Littlewood – Honolulu Hahalua
Analysis: If you know anything about me by this point, you know that simple humor really strokes my funny bone. Richard “Dick” Littlewood makes me giggle and I’m sure I’m not the only one. With the last name Littlewood, it makes me think that this is a case of reverse psychology. Richard goes around telling people his wood is less than ideal size- length and girth- as a test to see if his lovers truly connect with him. Once they hit the sheets, these women are surprised with a private area similar to a midget striking the Heisman pose. I like Littlewood a lot, which makes him a rarity in Honolulu. This dude is going to go from slaying tail in Myrtle Beach to pulling an Adam Sandler in “50 First Dates” and banging out every tourist broad on the Big Island.
Rating: 4.75 Blunts out of 5
36. Quavious McGrady – Sarasota Sailfish
Analysis: Quavious is an aggressive first name, but in a way in which I respect. I like how his first name could end up as a play on words if he were to use a catchphrase along the lines of “MAKE EM SAY QUA” instead of “QUE” which of course is Spanish for “what”. It could be profitable if a young, exciting WR can make defenders say words in a different language as well as put up numbers on the field. Another example of a good version of the “Mc” last name that is not a forced, corny, played out joke that makes me believe he’s here for business. McGrady of course reminds me of another superstar with that name who played in the NBA for many years, but upon further review, there is no relation. This is bad news for my 90s nostalgia, but great news for Quavious McGrady’s chances of hereditary degenerative knee conditions.
Rating: 3 Blunts out of 5
37. Akil Ozymandias – Arizona Outlaws
Analysis: I’m not sure what it is about this name, part of me thinks it’s awful but the vast majority of me says that this name slaps. Ozymandias is a last name that carries weight behind it and sounds powerful. Akil sounds like “a kill”, so he is a killer, he will literally murder you. This all makes sense when you connect it to the fact he was taken by the Arizona Outlaws, it makes you wonder if the team is explicitly seeking out former and current felons. It would make sense, considering the franchise’s deep history of cheating and tainting the results of several seasons because of it. Akil is a guy who will scare small children and frail husbands.
Rating: 3.25 Blunts out of 5
38. Big Chungus – Sarasota Sailfish
Analysis: This fat ass has a lot to live up to, he cannot be someone who goes down easily. If you’re going to be a Big Chungus, you need to be close to 300 pounds and have the speed of a glacier. I want to see this dude bowl over opponents and put people into the intensive care unit on a weekly basis. He should be a threat in the passing game as well, in the role of a blocker. He will be an extra obese offensive lineman in some situations, which should benefit the team with a rookie quarterback. Chungus is going to have to make sure he does not get in shape or try to avoid his diabetes diagnosis in any way, if he wants to keep his job.
Rating: 3 Blunts out of 5
39. Sirdsvaldis Miglaskems – Baltimore Hawks
Analysis: I’m not sure if this is really someone in this league’s name, or if I am currently having a stroke. This name makes me angry because I don’t even know where to begin on pronouncing it. This name reeks of overvalued self-importance, this person has an ego the size of Big Chungus’ stomach. The Hawks and their thousands of new draft picks could’ve done a lot better than taking a guy with this name. A username like Frostbeard makes me feel like this person was capable of way more. I did not bother to do research on this name because I did not want Google to think I was having a medical event and send a notification to my loved ones. Sirdsvaldis needs to realize that football is an American game. Why can’t he just be named Steve?
Rating: 1.75 Blunts out of 5
40. Primo Berto – New York Silverbacks
Analysis: This name is short and sweet and I really like it. Primo could be a number of things depending on which language you’re speaking. Berto is a hilarious name because it reminds me of my friend Rob who we would sometimes call Berto when he was being a prick. Primo Berto sounds like someone who is going to beat you up, laugh at you, and then punch himself in the face just to prove a point that he feels no pain. I would hate to be on the other side of Primo Berto’s body, and I think he has a future as a spokesman for sliced deli meats, or maybe even Arby’s. Primo Berto’s Primo Sandwiches.
Rating: 3.5 Blunts out of 5
41. Pope Francis – Honolulu Hahalua
Analysis: Imagine thinking so highly of yourself that you sign up as The Pope. Then imagine the balls it takes to name yourself after the second best Pope on the planet, dopey Pope Francis. Everyone knows there is only one true Pope—The Sports Pope: Mike Francesa. I bet Pope Francis has ice cold sports takes and doesn’t even know what a parlay is. Why would you want to share the name of a guy who’s on his way out—old as dirt? Honolulu and their fans better be praying that this player turns out to be halfway decent or else it’s going to be hard to get over this embarrassment. In other news, this will be the first time any Pope has bothered to visit Honolulu.
Rating: 1.5 Blunts out of 666
42. Byakuya Togami – San Jose Sabercats
Analysis: People in this league really like Anime more than any other community I interact with on a regular basis. I also now have gotten better at recognizing these names. Do I want to learn more about this genre of entertainment? Absolutely not. I can take the time to Google this person, but that will not make me understand the words they show me for an answer. Nothing about this name makes sense, but Byakuya is pretty cool. Togami kinda sounds too similar to Konami, and we know there is no connection there. Byakuya could also be a great name for a sumo wrestler, so it’s fitting that they’re a DE and have plenty of room to grow into a big, strong boy.
Rating: 2.25 Blunts out of 5
43. Erik Kirkland – Berlin Fire Salamanders
Analysis: Another guy who could very well be using their real name, I’ve always been suspicious about guys who spell Erik this way. Does this mean I have an internal bias against Vikings? Maybe, but this is not the time or the place to talk about that. Erik Kirkland kinda gives me the creeps because his first name ends with k and his last name begins with a k. Kirkland of course is a famous grocery store chain across the United States, so if anything, this player is going to make you hungry. The downside is that he will be spending the beginning of his career in Germany, and most likely won’t be able to make much money off endorsements with the American company.
Rating: 2 Blunts out of 5
44. Gluteus Maximus – Austin Copperheads
Analysis: I’m not above laughing at a good butt joke. A kicker being named after the part of the body that their position is most similar to is an irony that is not lost on me. Maximus is a last name that makes me think this guy is the biggest of all bums. If he ends up underperforming, there is going to be a lot of criticism tossed towards the front office in Austin. To a lot of front offices, someone with this name would be a major red flag and a turn off. How do I feel about asses? So many asses, so little time. A little tight one could stop me on a dime. I’m a lover—of every kind. The best surprises always sneak up from behind. Yes, I’m an Ass Man.
Rating: 3.25 Blunts out of 5
45. Jalen Washington – New York Silverbacks
Analysis: This name doesn’t have much pizazz, but it definitely works. I like that it is simple but not overly done. I would like this name even more if the name Jalen were spelled in a more creative way, but that could also be a negative in some situations so maybe the risk was not worth it. You can’t go wrong with Washington as a last name, Jalen is going to be a great businessman once his playing days are over. This is an example of a name that doesn’t try too hard and still sounds cool. You won’t find this name on any Key and Peele skits, but that’s a good thing.
Rating: 3.5 Blunts out of 5
46. Rocky Jackman – Berlin Fire Salamanders
Analysis: A lot of times I look at athletes named Rocky as cornballs who are desperately holding onto the ideals of a 5 ft 2 inch fictional boxer who had a statue build in the loser sports city that is Philadelphia. I would expect things to be a little Rocky for Mr. Jackman going around Germany acting like Sylvester Stallone. The last name Jackman is pretty cool, but are you trying to be in the reboot of the X-Men franchise? This makes me worry about Rocky’s priorities on the field, maybe he’s too focused on boxing or howling at the moon.
Rating: 3 Blunts out of 5
Summary: I think I’m going to take a page out of Mr. Forty-Two’s book and change my name to Mr. Forty-Six after this. After going through the first 46 players in this Draft, I am completely blown away by the lack of impact and creativity that is in these names. I hope that the league as a whole can work hard and make some names that actually sound like football players. We have a surplus of guys with bad “Mc” names, and a bunch of dudes inspired by anime characters who look like they’d be 110 pounds soaking wet. These names are not football names, and they should be judged harshly. Football is a disgusting game played by brutes who have no other place in a civilized society. They beat each other up for fun, trying to break the bones of their opponents. A lot of these names don’t seem like they’d be capable of hurting a butterfly. The few names that did stand out have a special place in my heart. Moe Skeeter, Leonard Taylor, Tugg Speedman, and Richard Littlewood are walking away from this Draft as the best names of the first 46. Is it possible there were good names taken after the 46th spot? After a quick glance, only one name really catches my eye: Owmy Back. Maybe 15 years ago I would just chuckle and move on at this name. Now, after barely even 8 years total of sitting at a desk during an office job, this guy resonates with me. The pain felt vicariously through Owmy Back should spread to all of the players who are thinking about joining the ISFL with a shitty name. Change it, or I’ll be writing about you next season and it will Naught be pretty.
RE: *The First 46 - OrbitingDeath - 11-21-2020
Love you too jblaze ♡
RE: *The First 46 - ComebackZak - 11-21-2020
Tattoo this on my body
RE: *The First 46 - .simo - 11-22-2020
You're named Mike Boss Jr. Pipe down.
RE: *The First 46 - Bauer - 11-22-2020
Schumi is a cute name
RE: *The First 46 - Fordhammer - 11-23-2020
It was a tossup between him and Howard Hamlin. I like to live on the edge.
RE: *The First 46 - moonlight - 11-24-2020
Quote:After going through the first 46 players in this Draft, I am completely blown away by the lack of impact and creativity that is in these names.
First player: Mike Boss
Second player: Mike Boss Jr.
creativity
RE: *The First 46 - White Cornerback - 11-24-2020
jr gang show up