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*Snazzlepuss's week 1 QB rankings - Printable Version

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*Snazzlepuss's week 1 QB rankings - snazzlepuss22 - 02-01-2021

I am back to kick off yet another season of ranking a position I have never played.

I will hand out awards and sometimes demerits.

Take none of this personally because what the hell do I know. 

Please note that in this one I seemed to have found a lot to complain about, I will attempt to muster more praise in the future. Unless you like to revel in the suffering of others, in which case I will change nothing. (Really I'm just a moody bastard.)


Quarterbacks

Week 1


  1. BER Nick Kaepercolin - 25/32, 279 Yards, 3 TD, 0 Int Rating 134.2 (Won 38 - 3 VS BAL ) 

    Coming in first place is Nick Kaepercolin, who managed to find the endzone 3 times in an absolute asskicking of Baltimore. Boasting the highest QB rating and the most touchdowns made putting them in first place was a super easy decision. The Fire Salamanders put everything together in this ball game, the two headed rushing attack managed 2 touchdowns, the defense only allowed 3 points and their kicker was money all game. 

    I award you with the "Coming in hot" Award!


  2. CHI George O’Donnell - 19/25, 281 Yards, 1 TD, 1 Int, Rating 108.9 (Won 26 - 20 VS  YKW ) 

    Coming in second place is George O'Donnell, while the stat line isn't totally insane it is absolutely worth noting that the TD pass here was for 96 Fucking yards. 
    So that's pretty neat. In a very close and field goal intensive game for the butchers, they were able to get close enough to smash one through the uprights 4 times. With decent but not insane help from their running backs they pulled off a nice win against the reigning champs. 

    I award you with the "I can throw this football over that mountain" Award! 


  3. NYS Sam Howitzer - 16/23, 167 Yards, 1 TD, 0 INT Rating 104.8 (Won 23 - 19 VS  NOLA ) 

    Coming in third is my very own QB Sam Howitzer. In a very tight game, Howitzer did a great job of moving the ball and keeping it safely in the arms of the Silverbacks. This combined with the rushing attack proved to be enough to keep the score in the Silverbacks favor. Another thing worth noting is the help the defense provided by adding 2 points through a safety. 

    I award you with the "Insert the part in the Donkey Kong country theme where it breaks down here" Award!


  4. NOLA Ben Slothlisberger - 28/45, 386 Yards, 1 TD, 0 Int, Rating 97.1 (Lost 19 - 23 VS  NYS ) 

    Coming in fourth is Ben Slothlisberger, truly living up to his name by tossing for nearly 400 yards but only finding the endzone once. Slothlisberger was able to keep the ball moving and out of the defenders arms but held onto the ball a little too long in certain situations allowing the Silverbacks to sack him in the endzone and pop him another 2 times besides. I'm sure he wishes he got a little more out of his running tandem as just a few more points could have swung this game in their favor. 

    I award you with the "Keep on yeetin" Award! 


  5. PHI Brock Phoenix - 30/39, 263 Yards, 1 TD, 1 Int Rating 92.1  (Won 26 - 23 VS  HON ) 

    Coming in fifth place is Brock Phoenix, who managed a very respectable QB rating of 92.1 and found the endzone once. In a very tight win against the Hahalua that touchdown definitely made a difference. The Liberty helped keep this game close by turning the ball over twice which resulted in a couple of touchdowns for their opponent. But undeterred the Liberty plowed through with the help of their Kicker Jake Fencik who went 4/4 on the day. The rushing attack also picked up a touchdown in the win. 

    I award you with the "I got friends in kicking places" Award! 


  6. SJS Monterey "Monty" Jack - 26/38 314 Yards, 1 TD 1 Int Rating 91.3 (Won 23 - 20 VS  ARI ) 

    Coming sixth is Monty Jack, Who put up over 300 yards and threw a TD in a very tight win over the outlaws. Jack did throw a pick that resulted in a field goal by the outlaws but the dude did great considering how many times he got popped in this game. Getting sacked 4 times and still managing to keep at it is a very respectable trait. The Sabercats didn't get nearly as much ground game going as they would have liked I'm sure but still came out on top and their kicker McDairmid was money in this game, basically making a kick from every hash mark on the field. 

    I award you with the "Best cheese based quarterback on these rankings" Award!


  7. HON Luke Skywalker - 19/31, 289 Yards, 2 TD, 2 Int, Rating 86.6 (Lost 23 - 26 VS  PHI ) 

    Skywalker comes in seventh with a pair of touchdowns and a matching pair of interceptions. Having capitalized on 2 turnovers, they apparently felt the need to share the love and gave the ball up twice. Not to mention the team gave up another pair of fumbles to boot. This was a very ugly game but Skywalker walked away with one of the better looking Ratings despite the two picks. 

    I award you with the "Well, We can give you a better hand, like a robot hand." Award!

  8. OCO Suleiman Ramza - 29/47, 306 Yards, 2 TD, 1 Int Rating 85.9 (Won 20 - 8 VS  AUS ) 

    Coming now to the bottom half of the bunch, Ramza slots in here at eighth. Ramza was able to find the endzone once and also managed a pick. Ramza did a lot more good than bad but the completion percentage needed a little help, whether this was due to play calling, passing or bricks for hands I do not know. In a game where rushing was absolutely abysmal from both teams the pair of touchdowns here was king and allowed them to beat the Copperheads pretty handily. I will give the otters some credit for not getting a single penalty in this game. 

    I award you with the "Way to bribe the sim refs" Award! 


  9. YKW Colby Jack -  26/47 241 Yards, 2 TD 1 Int Rating 74.9 (Lost 20 - 26 VS  CHI ) 

    Colby Jack comes in ninth after a tough loss to the Butchers. While they were able to find the endzone twice they managed to find the other team once as well. While an interception isn't always a game killer, in a game this close it certainly stings. While I don't know if the wraiths specialty is to bend and not break, they bent a little too much in this one, allowing the opposing kicker to rack up 4 field goals. The wraiths rushing attack managed a very respectable 151 yards on the ground, the offense just didn't find a way to get enough points on the board to win this one. 

    I award you with the "I picked you first overall in fantasy, I need you to do more of the touchdowns" Award! 

  10. COL Mattathias Caliban - 34/56, 428 Yards, 2 TD, 3 Int, Rating 74.1 (Lost 27 - 33 VS  SAR ) 

    Coming in tenth is Caliban, who tried to throw the ball a whole shitload and managed to find the endzone twice. Unfortunately he found the other team 3 times and they lost the game by only 6 points. That's an important stat because two of those interceptions resulted in points for the Sailfish and those points total 10. 10 > 6, I'm not saying that Caliban threw the game away, but like it wasn't good. (I'm sorry please don't hate me). But honestly if you feel bad allow me to point you to the oof ouch owie section of these rankings. 

    I award you with the "The red team! THROW IT TO THE RED TEAM" Award! 

  11. BAL Chika Fujiwara- 23/43 281 Yards, 0 TD, 1 Int Rating 64.2 (Lost 3 - 38 VS  BER ) 

    This game was a bad time for Baltimore. Despite managing 281 yards in the air, Fujiwara was unable to find the endzone and managed to find the loving arms of a Fire Salamanders defender once. This interception resulted in a touchdown but that didn't really matter because the Hawks only managed to score a field goal the entire time they were on the field. Fortunately this is one of those times where you can't blame it all on the QB, The hawks were only able to manage 61 yards on the ground as well. In a game where both teams had to punt the same amount of times, it seems that Baltimore was unable to capitalize on their possessions.
    Another issue worth noting is that Baltimore managed to have 7 Penalties for 81 yards, while the Fire Salamanders only went 3-31, making an already lopsided game even worse. 

    I award you with the "Rub some dirt on it" Award!


  12. AUS  Jackie Daytona - 25/43, 211 Yards, 0 TD, 1 Int, Rating 61.3 (Lost 8 - 20 VS  OCO ) 

    Coming in spot number twelve is the Rookie QB Jackie Daytona, I know he was probably hoping for a better debut than this. Having not done anything particularly well the Copperheads fell 8 - 20. Turning the ball over twice, once by a pick and another via fumble, it definitely wasn't the opener that they were hoping for. The Copperheads only managed about 59 yards on the ground as well and I'm sure they were hoping for a more balanced attack than they product they put on the field. 
    Daytona will be looking for a better opportunity to show his stuff moving forward. 

    I award you with the "Do you like pasghetti?" Award!

  13. ARI Charlemagne Cortez - 12/22 68 Yards, 0 TD, 1 Int Rating 41.5 (Lost 20 - 23 VS  SJS ) 

    Was not a great week for Rookie Quarterbacks as we have them at twelve and thirteen respectively. Cortez wasn't able to find the endzone and seeming didn't really get much opportunity to pass either with their Ground game picking up a whopping 246 yards. Cortez also gave up a pick that resulted in 7 points for the Sabercats and you bet they wish they got that one back. 

    I award you with the "I guess maybe there's a reason they didn't let you throw that much." 

  14. SAR Mike Boss Jr - 11/23, 112 Yards, 0 TD, 2 Int, Rating 26 (Won 33 - 27 VS  COL ) 
          Coming in dead last is the best damn hand-the-ball offer on this list. With their lead back Chan managing to find the endzone 3 times who the hell needs to pass.                This statline leaves a lot to be desired but why would you give a shit, you won. Boss Jr, threw 2 picks and completed 11 passes, I don't feel the need to kick anything          down the road here cause a win is a win. 

        I award you with the "Oof Ouch Owie?" Award!