+- International Simulation Football League (https://forums.sim-football.com)
+-- Forum: Community (https://forums.sim-football.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=5)
+--- Forum: Media (https://forums.sim-football.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=37)
+---- Forum: Graded Articles (https://forums.sim-football.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=38)
+---- Thread: * Francois Lamoreux Press Conference (/showthread.php?tid=3384)
* Francois Lamoreux Press Conference - Archon - 08-16-2017
On a dimly lit street in a seedy neighborhood of Little Avignon in New York City, the backdoor of the Chateaux Bordello swings open. A large, burly man with a freshly waxed handlebar moustache stumbles into the alley flanked by two female entertainers. On his left arm is Bénédicte, a 38 year old part-time dancer whose aging appearance and ample proportions have relegated her to the Wednesday night crew. To his right is Emmanuelle, a 24 year old tart whose entertainment skills were paying for her college education as well as ensuring her professors were sufficiently motivated to give her passing grades with minimum work. Behind the trio stood a stocky yet freakishly muscular bouncer who had cut off the man after his blood alcohol content had exceeded his account balance. He gently pulled on the women to return inside and unceremoniously slammed the door in the man's face. It was here that I first met Francois Lamoreux, the one-time All-American guard out of UCLA. Just a few short years ago he was considered a prime draft pick for the NFL, perhaps even able to go in the second round to a team needing a strong presence on the offensive line. He was a beast of a man with a voracious appetite for the fast life. He leveraged his future and took out a few too many loans from the type of people you don't want to owe. He racked up discipline reports for chasing cheap booze and cheap women to the point he was benched for the 2013 Sun Bowl. He simply did not command the patience that a quarterback would have from coaching staff, and the NFL collectively decided that he was not worth the risk. What I was doing here in Little Avignon when my wife would prefer I cover more flashy and well-behaved athletes for my paper, I don't know. Maybe I'm just a sucker for lost causes. I cautiously approached Francois, who had probably a foot and a hundred pounds on me. I needn't worried about getting too close as the stench of bourbon mixed with cheap perfume emanating from him was an effective repellent.
"Hello, Mr. Lamoreux? I'm Alan McGill off the Weekly Sportsman. May I have a word?"
His neck, of what there was of one, lurched in search of a comfortable position to hold up his head. He glared at me with bloodshot eyes in a desperate attempt to comprehend the question that was asked of him. He mustered up the strength to answer in a thick French accent.
"Eh, grenouille! You have wish to, how you say, soyez un infirme? You leave me be or you will embrasse le trottoir."
It had been a good ten years since my last French class in high school but I gathered that he wanted to sleep off his drunken stupor. Still, my editor had been on me to profile him as a human interest story, particularly since he was planning some sort of comeback in a new league. I decided to pursue it at the risk of being shown the guillotine.
"Beg your pardon, but I heard you are intending on declaring eligibility for a new football league, and I wanted to get your comment on the record?"
It was the best diplomacy I could muster. I'm accustomed to asking the hard questions, pressing athletes why they're collecting millions in payouts while performing like an infirm grandma on the field. I've been threatened in more than one locker room for my hard hitting journalism but for a heavily drunk lineman known for occasional wild behavior I was going to hold my tongue. To my good fortune, Francois' eyes lit up - given how bloodshot they were from his excessive drinking, it just means they started to glow even more red. Eerie.
"Oui, I am to take the place in le NSFL. I have heard that only wee little filles play there and it will be easy domination for Francois. I will be like great French iron man Andre le Giant and smash poor opponents into ground. Maybe enough smash to go around for teammates too! Francois is tired of teammates poking fun, saying French rifle never fired and dropped once, you no see what Francois can do on the field to them! Soft NFL they want man on Wheaties can to say to the children, oh le player goes to church and helps old lady cross street. I do not build a house for the poor but I smash opponents on le field! That is why Francois play football, and why new league is the new home for my play. Also they pay and women and liquor is not cheap!"
I wrote furiously in my notepad, my mind racing trying to figure out where this new endeavor would lead. As a sportswriter you were always trying to stay one step ahead of the story so you can frame it as a fall from grace, a redemption story, rags to riches, or one of several other journalistic tropes. Would this drunken French linemen, down to his last few dollars and last few brain cells, make it in the NSFL? As I was contemplating this I did not see the headlights behind me. I turned around and to my dismay I saw some of my competition - other sportswriters had sniffed out the story and were pulling up! I looked at Lamoreux and he was lighting a cigarette, apparently basking in the attention that not even a few bucks to a cheap dancer in a seedy nightclub could buy. I knew he would stick around to answer more questions about his debut in the league so I figured I'll hang out for a bit and listen and try to get a lead on where his career is truly heading.
(08-16-2017, 06:30 PM)RavensFanFromOntario Wrote:Just for the record, JCINK is racist and hates foreign languages so we can't use them.
Among the press arriving at the club was one of the front office guys from NSFL. I could tell he was a real schmuck, one of those kiss asses who got his position by screwing over the right people. I'd tell him to get his shoe shine kit but I was on the beat. Couldn't get yet another angry call to my editor saying I'd ruffled the feathers of some Vice President of Getting the Commissioner's Dry Cleaning. My job was to prod the talent, not the leeches. I could tell that Lamoreux was none to happy by the suggestion.
"You say you do not like the sound of the French language? It is like molten butter being poured into the ears. It is the finest chocolate swirled around the tongue, it is why your wife prefers to hear the sweet whispers of Francois and not the banshee cries of you, like you are a cat during le moon phase! But for you simple man, Francois will speak your ugly language, the words of the brutes who do not know how to please women or sing opera. Francois is not here to educate le ignoramus on fine culture but to smash the milky opponents into fine cheese to have with a good Cabernet Sauvignon."
(08-16-2017, 06:52 PM)RavensFanFromOntario Wrote:Wine is gross and if by fine cheese you mean gouda, I'm in.
"So you little man you do not know the difference between Sauvignon and Avignon and you wish to lecture Francois on fine fromage? Why don't you come closer to Francois and what comes out of your nose will be closer to cheese than your crumbly Gouda."
(08-16-2017, 08:15 PM)ardiesavea Wrote:Do you have your eye on any specific teams in the NSFL?
What's your favourite alcohol?
What's your favourite type of woman?
The questions came from a small man trying to peek over the throng of reporters mobbing the alleyway. If I had to guess he was some type of midget, perhaps better suited for a traveling carnival sideshow than a presser for an up and coming star. For a towering giant like Lamoreux though, everyone must have looked available for tossing into a stack of bowling pins in a bar game.
"If you want to be, how you say, knocked on le ass? Get some Gevrey Chambertin Aux Echezaux. 5 proof for every silent letter so it will cause Tweety le Bird to fly around your head. Favorite women? Two at once! Le ho ho ho. Besides your sister, the best woman is the one who Francois must charge like the Bastille, so he may guillotine her in two. For teams, which team can handle Francois? No team can handle being on the wrong side of Francois! Ho ho, tell your little teams that my quarterback will be touched less than you on le prom night, and their defensive line will spend more time on their backs than your mom last night."
(08-16-2017, 08:18 PM)Bzerkap Wrote:What brought you all the way from France to the NSFL?
What helped you bring up the weight to play OL more, the cheese or the wine?
I recognized these questions as coming from one of the up and comers of the NSFL, the GM of the Yellowknife Wraiths. I stole a glance sidelong at Lamoreux hoping to indicate to him that this is one of the few people in attendance that he would do well to impress.
"In glorious Le France they play soccer, it is a sport for little filles, not for real men! Ho ho, Francois was given le card rouge for tackling a forward and driven out of his beloved Bordeaux. In Les Angeles Francois was given a chance to glow, and he did smashing puny heads against the green carpet of the field. You ask why Francois is not in France, it is because Francois has brought France to the NSFL and you will pay le price if you do not respect the Merovingian Marauder. You say Francois is fat? Your head is fat. Francois is all muscle, you will see at the combine before the Season 3 draft, Francois will run faster and jump higher with le Flyers PF."
(08-16-2017, 08:30 PM)RavensFanFromOntario Wrote:You're my favourite
It was the corporate drone again, apparently coming to the realization that this guy Lamoreux had the potential to be a major player in the league. These bottom-feeders have a survival instinct to parasite onto anyone with a display of success. Given the state of inebriation that the league prospect was in, this guy was desperate. Perhaps the NSFL's declining ratings and severe dearth of endorsements was catching up to him and he was willing to take a chance.
"Francois does not play favorites. What if I said how you say your mom was Francois' favorite? That would be very rude, very disrespectful. Your sister would protest and say 'no, Francois, what about the passion we shared?' Francois would not upset your sister by playing favorites."
(08-17-2017, 04:34 AM)HalfEatenOnionBagel Wrote:Bonjour, my name is Francois Bordeaux, I'm with Journaux Francais
My friend, I have been following and writing about your career for some time now, so I am very glad to see you taking a chance at success in the NSFL. If I could ask just a couple questions:
1) Aside from the usual routine of women and liquor, what other training have you been doing in preparation for your NSFL debut?
2) Unlike the NFL, the NSFL featured an international franchise in just it's first season, albeit still one within North America. Would you consider petitioning the league to bring a franchise to France?
Thanks very much for your time
A well dressed man emerged from a silver Renault Twingo wearing a maroon beret with a thin cigarette resting between his lips. He tore off a piece of a baguette stashed in his car and shoved it in his pocket, ostensibly for a later snack. It was a foreign correspondent, I'd seen a few when covering the World Cup a few years back. Snotty, snarky, and snide are three good ways to describe them. If I was going to stay close to the story I was going to need to play nice.
"Oh ze Journaux Francais! Your paper has served Francois well in le past when he has needed papier du toilette. You chose Francois out of town for bringing le pain to imbeciles and now you follow career? T'as pas de couilles to say to Francois what you printed in the past but still your questions will be answered. They think Francois only trains with liquor and women! No, it takes much more. Cigars and a little, how you say, bump of snow? That gets the heart going and numbs ze pain. You are of France, yes? Do you think they will watch a true man sport like le NSFL? They are busy powdering each other's hindquarters to look fancy for the county ball. They eat fromage and you think they will cheer for Francois? Maybe the Foreign Legion, they are not all branieurs.
(08-17-2017, 02:39 PM)HalfEatenOnionBagel Wrote:Howdy. Name's Tex Washington, sports writer for the Houston Chronicle.
Unlike this fuzzy little foreigner over here from Jorno Francis or whatever he was sayin', I'm not too farmiliar with your career. Would you mind enlightenin' me bout your time playing at UCLA?
Would you be willin' to talk about the controversy surrounding the 2013 Sun Bowl?
"Texas man of the Recent West, home of cowmen. I hear your state is like the Slovakia of les States United. In Les Angeles Francois protects his quarterback, no? At a fancy party he was getting sacked by two cheerleaders, or maybe he gave them the sack le ho ho ho. Francois jumped on the pile without knowing his quarterback was not wearing his cup and caused him a bad sprain. They said the footballs were more deflated than a Tom Brady playoff game. For this the team blamed Francois for sometimes you can be too good at your job."
Administrative note: The writing prior to the first question is an article.
* Francois Lamoreux Press Conference - RavensFanFromOntario - 08-16-2017
Just for the record, JCINK is racist and hates foreign languages so we can't use them.
* Francois Lamoreux Press Conference - RavensFanFromOntario - 08-16-2017
Wine is gross and if by fine cheese you mean gouda, I'm in.
* Francois Lamoreux Press Conference - Ben - 08-16-2017
Do you have your eye on any specific teams in the NSFL?
What's your favourite alcohol?
What's your favourite type of woman?
* Francois Lamoreux Press Conference - Bzerkap - 08-16-2017
What brought you all the way from France to the NSFL?
What helped you bring up the weight to play OL more, the cheese or the wine?
* Francois Lamoreux Press Conference - RavensFanFromOntario - 08-16-2017
You're my favourite
* Francois Lamoreux Press Conference - HalfEatenOnionBagel - 08-17-2017
Bonjour, my name is Francois Bordeaux, I'm with Journaux Francais
![[Image: 25DFFD5D00000578-2960987-image-m-44_1424450849367.jpg]](http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/02/20/25DFFD5D00000578-2960987-image-m-44_1424450849367.jpg)
My friend, I have been following and writing about your career for some time now, so I am very glad to see you taking a chance at success in the NSFL. If I could ask just a couple questions:
1) Aside from the usual routine of women and liquor, what other training have you been doing in preparation for your NSFL debut?
2) Unlike the NFL, the NSFL featured an international franchise in just it's first season, albeit still one within North America. Would you consider petitioning the league to bring a franchise to France?
Thanks very much for your time
* Francois Lamoreux Press Conference - HalfEatenOnionBagel - 08-17-2017
Howdy. Name's Tex Washington, sports writer for the Houston Chronicle.
![[Image: 63527e76-3af7-11e5-917e-8590c54c670f-1020x1274.jpg]](https://static.seattletimes.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/63527e76-3af7-11e5-917e-8590c54c670f-1020x1274.jpg)
Unlike this fuzzy little foreigner over here from Jorno Francis or whatever he was sayin', I'm not too farmiliar with your career. Would you mind enlightenin' me bout your time playing at UCLA?
Would you be willin' to talk about the controversy surrounding the 2013 Sun Bowl?