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+---- Thread: *The Player's Tribune: Pressure (/showthread.php?tid=34548)
*The Player's Tribune: Pressure - SouljaBoy2007 - 08-28-2021
Even in the locker room with headphones on I could hear the crowd. A half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich sat on the chair in front of me. I’ve eaten one before every game since I was 9 years old. It was a comfort to me. Today I couldn’t do it. A rap song my dad showed me from when he was a kid blared in my ears. I tried to lock in but my heart was racing and I was already breathing heavy. Doc came behind me and shook my shoulders, laughing as he always did. I laughed with him but it was a hollow feeling. For the first time in my life I doubted myself as a football player. The biggest game of my life and I couldn’t even be confident. I’ve never been one to shy away from the spotlight. In high school my team played in 3 state championships, we won all 3 and I was the MVP in one of them. I never felt pressure then, I was relaxed and composed even when what felt like every kid in Florida was watching me. When I played in the Citrus Bowl it was the same thing. I was the guy joking with people in the locker room, I was the guy getting hype. I ate my whole sandwich, but I couldn’t now. That game was just last year, what changed?
The pressure didn’t go away when the game started. Even as a bench player, everything I did felt like it would swing the game. When I swatted a pass in the first quarter my whole body was shaking. Not even making plays helped me relax. My coach told me to let it go, don’t let it affect how you play. I wanted so badly to take that to heart and get my head right but I fucked up for the first time this season. I messed up in coverage and gave up a touchdown. I felt so sick I could’ve died right there on the field. I’m going to see that play in my head before I sleep for months. Who knows what would’ve happened if I didn’t give that up. All I wanted to do was not screw up and I did just that. 1 tackle, 1 pass defense, 1 touchdown allowed. All of the hype for me as a prospect, everything I did at Florida, it all felt pointless. I felt like I had lost my swagger, my confidence, that made me so dominant my whole life.
Maybe it was because I wasn’t the best player anymore. My entire life I’ve been looked to as the guy who was supposed to turn the tide of games and win them for the team. I did it at UF and I did it in high school. Hell, I even did it in pop warner. It wasn’t like I played in some tiny area either, I was a star in Miami and the SEC, a big fish in a big pond. But now I was playing WRs who ran 4.3s and could cut on a dime. That puts fear in you. It’s hard to play well if you’re scared of the guy you’re lined up against. But that fear was never there in the regular season, it wasn’t even there in the playoff game before this. This championship changed my whole mentality. I can’t just be afraid of someone because they’re good at football, I’m good at football.
Maybe it was because the lights were too bright. Even if I’ve played in big games before, the DSFL is a whole different beast. There are ISFL scouts everywhere, the broadcast teams sit with their massive cameras watching your every move. The Citrus Bowl was played at a “neutral site” but everyone knew it was a home game. Everywhere I looked there was Florida blue and gator chomps. This game was the opposite. Me and 52 other men were on an island in a sea of Minnesotans cheering for every mistake we made. I never thought I would be the kind of guy to let fans get in my head but here I was trembling because there were fans who didn’t like me. But I didn’t think that was why I felt so nervous. I’ve played in road games before, if not as big as this, and I’ve never felt that fear so why now?
I think it was because that was the game I realized I couldn’t just do it for me anymore. For my whole life, all I wanted to do was make it to the big leagues. Of course I wanted to win with my teammates, but above all I wanted to be famous, rich, and be able take care of my parents and siblings. That’s why I left Florida and that’s why I worked so hard for the last 10 years. But then I got paid. 6 million dollars for 4 games. I had made it. I bought my parents a big house and I bought myself a big house and I could put all 4 of my siblings through college. Everything I’d ever wanted was mine. But maybe that made me complacent. I stopped waking up at 4:30 to work out on my own. I stopped watching film on the side. The things that got me to where I was took a backseat to me reveling in my own greatness and what it brought me. But there I was in that locker room, looking around at a bunch of other guys who worked just as hard as I did to get to the pros. I realized that it was bigger than the money and fame at that point. It was about winning for each other. These were my friends, even if I’d only known them for a few months, and they wanted to win more than anything. I put new pressure on myself, I’d never really played exclusively for my teammates before. It was a new feeling and I wasn’t ready for it.
We ended up losing the game. The locker room was absolutely silent. We had imagined a party after the game, spraying champagne and water and dancing. But I felt nothing but guilt as I exchanged hugs with crying teammates I might never play with again. I let these guys down. But I knew what I had to do now. For the first time, I understood the mindset I have to have as a pro. I’m going to play for my brothers. I don’t know who I’m going to play with next season, but I know that I’m going all out on every play in every game because they need it, not because I need it. I’m still going to joke around in the locker room. I’m still going to eat my sandwich. Today is the first day of the offseason. As soon as I finish writing this dumbass article I’m going to the gym, and then the film room, and then the practice field. Everything I do from this point on is for my teammates. I’ve achieved my goals, but it’s now my job to help them hit theirs. Harper out.