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+---- Thread: *The Australian Grand Tour with Shazam Hefner: Jason Oexius (/showthread.php?tid=40518)
*The Australian Grand Tour with Shazam Hefner: Jason Oexius - AnUnoriginalGuy - 07-30-2022
![[Image: XbnxRyM.jpg]](https://i.imgur.com/XbnxRyM.jpg)
Code:
60 Moldy, 40 me
Going on hiatus. Enjoy the last episode for a bit!)
(2519 words)SH: Gooooooood morning, you lads and lasses, and welcome to the last episode of the Australian Grand Tour! I’m Shazam Hefner, and we will be departing shortly on this journey, so fasten your seatbelts and put your tray tables upright. Our last few episodes featured Grayson Yates and Udo E. Beaty, and, thanks to y’all, they’ve been very successful, having gotten into the top 5 podcast episodes on Apple Podcasts. Here’s hoping our guest today cracks the top 1 percent - hell, he is the top 1 percent. He’s the rookie team captain, one of the top 5 in passes deflected, pick 1 in the 2051 DSFL Draft, and an all around great guy. Y’all know who I’m talking about, it’s The Killer, Jason X himself, it’s Jason Oexius (@Moldycheez4)! How about that for an intro? I just hope you like the nickname. Cmon, The Killer? Jason X? It just writes itself, no?
JO: I mean hey I love it, but you can call me whatever you want Shazam and so can the people.
SH: Look, Jason X was a good movie, and I’ll stand on this hill till I die. But, besides that, how are you? You get to be the bookend to my first ever world tour, which is nice, yeah?
JO: You really think so, eh? I honestly haven't seen it. I guess I'll add it to the long list of movies I need to watch. Anyway, I'm not gonna lie I've been better but thanks for asking. It's been rough being neck and neck with Norfolk for the past few weeks, but sure, being on an episode of Shazam! certainly lifts my spirits. I'm glad to be here!
SH: Hey, if you’re havin’ fun, I’m havin’ fun. So, let’s talk about your life. How’s it feel being thrust into such a big role in your first year in the DSFL? It must be a whirlwind, being a captain as a rookie.
JO: Not at all! It's surprisingly easy when you have a great group of people to call teammates. It may have been daunting at first, but that's part of the job. No matter who you are, if you can't get the job done then you shouldn't be in this league, and ever since high school I have been looking to prove that I can get the job done.
SH: Alright, now let's talk about your draft. As we all know, you were the #1 overall pick in the draft. How do you feel about that, and do you think you’ll be able to carry that energy with you to the ISFL draft?
JO: Getting drafted first overall is an awesome feeling, but If you're asking whether I think i'll be number one again then the answer is I don't know, and it doesn't really matter to me anyway. Sure it's a nice feeling, but right now my focus is on helping Bondi Beach get to the playoffs.
SH: Ah, the playoffs! Right! As of this recording, you’re tied with Norfolk for second in the division. What’s the morale like in the locker room, and do y’all think you’ll be able to pull ahead?
JO: I'm sure all of us certainly wish we had the comfortable lead, but this only makes us want to try harder. I wouldn't be a very good teammate or player if I said I didn't think we could make the final push to get ahead. The rest of the teams we face shouldn't take us with a grain of salt. That's all I got to say.
SH: Do you think the Dallas loss is most to blame for your predicament you’re in? Speaking of which, you’ve been flamed online for said loss. How do y’all feel about that, and what do you have to say to the trolls?
JO: We've lost to more teams than Dallas, so no I don't blame that loss specifically. There's a lot of different pieces and I respect how they played against us. They clearly deserved to win. With that being said, I have nothing to say to the trolls. I play on a field with some of the best up and coming players in the world. I have a lot more to worry about than a couple of haters.
SH: I see. Now, let’s talk about your life off the field. So, let’s talk about your… hatred for janitors. Where the hell did this start?
JO: Oh man, funny story actually. Kind of like a page out of a comic book you might say, so why not try to picture that as I explain it. When I first got my chance in the DSFL I was picked up off of waivers by the London Royals. While I was training to improve my abilities I used to bring in meal preps to eat throughout the day since I would stay at the facility for about 12 hours a day. Only a couple of days in I pulled out one of my meal preps, which happened to consist of chicken for protein and shrimp for leisure, and once I had turned around the London janitor who oversaw the cleaning of the locker room said to me "Hey! Give me your lunch, punk!" I'm a little embarrassed by this but I gave it to him almost immediately and without question. He continued demanding meals from me for about a week while I sat and cried in the corner, but eventually I not only grew stronger but gained confidence as well. I asserted my dominance by roundhouse kicking him straight through the wall of the LR. He may have been 84 years old and I may have had to pay for and fix the damages myself, but that janitor got exactly what he deserved. From that day forward I, Jason Oexius, vowed to never let a janitor take advantage of me ever again. Not even Bondi's janitor, who happens to actually be super sweet. Sorry The Janitor (version BBB) but I hate you too.
SH: Shit. Terrence, can you get someone to check on Hank? I really hope he’s okay. You didn’t roundhouse Hank through the walls or whatever, right? Our janitor?
JO: Not yet.
SH: Fuck. Well…let’s talk about your “philanthropy”. We know how you were a member of the Reignmaker’s Athletes4All summer camp, but you ran your own camp? Tell me what it was like.
JO: Oh boy, this brings me back. I'm not gonna lie, I pushed those campers pretty hard when we were out there practicing and training. We'd do this 5 days a week. However, once our activities and work outs had concluded we let all campers of all age groups let loose. We would give them the choice of participating in some fun team games such as tug a war, paint ball, dodge ball, and of course, pick up football and basketball games, or the choice of just chilling, relaxing, and doing their own thing. The camp took place up in Northern Wisconsin, near the border of the Michigan upper peninsula, where a river runs with white water rafting, so we spent an entire day doing that as well. It's a long way from Bondi, but it was worth it. At night we had campfires, roasted smores, sang songs, and told ghost stories. So overall you get that experience working with professionals and improving your athletic prowess while also having a genuine, classic summer camp experience. If you don't believe that it's really so great then don't take it from me. Take it from one of our favorite campers - Jimmy "Shortstacks'' Johnson - who said in an online website called "Fantastic Parenting" about where to send your kids when you're absolutely sick of them, "100", in response to a question asked about what he thought of our camp. Don't let that name fool you by the way. He's actually 6 feet tall at age 10! Special shoutout to Udo, Grayson, and Hartline for helping me spearhead the camp and a thanks to all of our camp councilors for helping keep the peace. The Team Beaty vs Team Oexius football game at the end of camp was the highlight of the summer and we loved having all the boys and girls there to enjoy it with us. All proceeds were donated to cancer research for kids in the hopes that they too can someday achieve their dreams. We plan on making this a yearly thing and we even invite some of those brave kids to spend the summer with us. All expenses paid.
SH: Alright, our last thing off the field I wanna talk about is your book. You almost have as many sales as the Bible. How do you feel about this skyrocketing sale, and about how much have you made off of it?
JO: My book is something I am extremely proud of. It basically consists of many short stories of my life adventures. I know I am only 23, but I feel like I have lived a full life. All the stories within are completely legit. Not false at all and you cant prove otherwise, so it is to no surprise to me that it is the best selling book ever! If you haven't picked up a copy yet you definitely should.
SH: Alright, so now we’re gonna play a fun game that I introduced last episode, it’s time for “This or That”! Rules are simple - I give you two players, you pick one and tell me why. Sound fun?
JO: Not really. Sounds like the opposite of fun, but you aren’t paying me for anything. Why not? Let them rip.
SH: Linebackers. McThumper or Hartline?
JO: Hartline for sure, McThumper is toxic as fuck.
SH: Shit, really? I thought he was a nice guy, from what I heard.
JO: He paid off the other guys to say those things, don't listen to them! He tried to pay me too, but my seal-tight integrity always wins.
SH: …he was a captain. You don’t become a captain by being a bad person, no?
JO: He was, was he? I bet he paid for that too.
SH: We’ll continue, but I gotta ask - where does your hatred of Kevin come from?
JO: It all started when he told me his best friend was the janitor..was traumatizing hearing those words come from a teammate but I digress.
SH: Shit. Well, second this or that. Bean Delphine or Udo E. Beaty?
JO: To be honest I don't think I can pick between the two. Both are great people on and off the field. Bean and I often convene about team matters and try to work through tape after games. As with udo I often help him with his pass catching skills by letting him run routes against me and he helps me with tackling by just taking off and seeing whether or not I can catch him, and ofcourse I'm sure he told you about our bull riding competitions. Those get competitive.
SH: Pick 3 receivers: Reece Wells, Derrick Prince, Dip Dhillon.
JO: Only 3? Dang that's hard, let me see. I pick Derrick, Dhillon, and... hm.. Reece!
SH: 3?-wait, shit, I meant two, haha.
JO: Well I have to go with Dip and Derrick. Both great players who want to help the team win. I have good relationships with both and our competitiveness helps us improve during practice. Reece is also a strong player who puts in the work, but I personally do not know him too well.
SH: Alright, last one - Stryker Brown or Thwomp?
JO: Again, a hard choice. Both are pretty quiet guys but they both have a winning mentality. I'd have to go with Stryker due to the impact he has on the field. His QB pressures really make my job easier when it comes to picking off competitors and he definitely strikes fear in opposing offenses.
SH: Understandable. We’re gonna wrap this up in a couple, but I have a few more questions. Let’s talk about life in college - a 5-star freshman recruit, you seemed…off, so to say, at the UofW. What was it like during this, and do you feel this is a springboard for your career?
JO: College was tough, to say the least. I was on the same team as my best buddy. The fact that we were competing for the top cornerback spot didn't help either. I really wanted him to succeed but unfortunately our dilemma deteriorated our relationship and I had to decide to focus on myself and career. Ever since I haven't looked back and I'd say it definitely gave me a boost when it came to improving thereafter.
SH: Well, even throughout all that, you’re here, and we’re happy. Our last question is a heartwarming one, so to say - what’s the best part about being a Buccaneer? The tuba kid who made it big, who broke records in Chicago, how does it feel making it?
JO: I think it's an inspiring story for kids all over the country. I don't want to be the guy who thinks he is better than everyone else or that his story is more important. There are plenty of guys who have had crazy stories about making it, but I do hope it encourages others to try new things without the fear of possibly failing. I liked being a band kid but I loved playing football even more. I'm glad I gave it a shot because I ended up somewhere I once thought impossible. This team is my home and even when I leave it will remain a safe place for me until my dying day. Go Bucs!
SH: Okay, that truly is a feel-good story. Yknow what else feels good? A massage! Hand and Stone provides glorious massages, facials and spa treatments all under one building. They’re also our sponsor, and they’ll be providing Jason X here with a 3-month worth supply of free massages! You’ve gotta love that, it’s sorer than a motherfucker after those practices, yeah?
JO: I do love a good massage. Should certainly help me loosen up on the field! Thanks Shazam!
SH: Well, that’s all the time we’ve got here! Anything else you wanna say to the crowd?
JO: I want to say thanks for having me and thanks for coming all the way to Australia for this tour! This should definitely help bring more people into our stadium to watch us play, giving us an edge during games. Lastly, fire glims and artix!
SH: Oh, it’s truly no big deal! It’s been amazing taking a visit to the ESPN studios in Australia and being able to grab y’all. This has been one of the coolest moments of my life, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. And to the audience, thank you so much for embarking on this tour with me! I’ll be taking a lil break from recording for a while to get some R&R and roll in the sponsorship money I’ve gotten - seriously, so many goddamn sponsors - but be assured, I will be back on the road again. Maybe in Norfolk? Or maybe in London? Who knows where I’ll end up? What I do know is I thank each and every one of y’all for listening. I’m Preston “Shazam” Hefner, and I’ll see you later!
RE: The Australian Grand Tour with Shazam Hefner: Jason Oexius - Moldycheez4 - 07-30-2022
just for the record - I think we all know McThumper (Artix) isnt actually toxic. I did it for the meme!