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+---- Thread: *Mock U V: Because Twitter's Gone & I'm the Worst Gambler (/showthread.php?tid=45540)
*Mock U V: Because Twitter's Gone & I'm the Worst Gambler - Twenty6 - 05-24-2023
Hello, and welcome to Mock College! What? University? We've never been a university! What do you mean you've attended all the tours featuring the S36 Draft, the S37 Draft, the S38 Draft, and the S41 Draft when we were a university? Okay, okay, fine...
You see, the owner-administrator of this univ-- school went on a little gambling spree. Maybe being housebound during SIVID gave him a little cabin fever, but since we re-opened last season, he's been throwing money at the casinos. Unfortunately, the casinos weren't throwing money back at him. Supposedly, not one of his wagers was a winner. The word is he lost over $22 million, and people have seen him stomping around campus and grumbling about the loss of Twotter was the reason. Look over there! He's stomping about as we speak. Let's follow him! I can pretend to be giving you folks a legitimate tour while we stalk him. Stop staring!
Oh, he's heading to the food court. He's stopped at Mocko Bell. We used to have Del Mocko, but now that our school has been downgraded, Del Mocko pulled out and we had to settle for the inferior Mocko Bell. Any Mexican restaurant that doesn't serve crinkle-cut fries ain't no Mexican restaurant to me. Anyway, looks like he's now stomping over to the faculty lounge. Why would he hobnob with us lowly folk? He's having a discussion with the professor of Organic Chemockstry, maybe about the upcoming draft? Let's eavesdrop...
Disclaimer
The picks I made for this mock draft are based on a combination of the following: positional need, the amount of the player's TPE, and the size of the player's bank account. The picks do not factor in relationships, scouting conversations, war room fits, trades, changes in position, or available free agents. Therefore, do NOT use this as a reference for anything.
Bigger Disclaimer
You'll hear this a lot because it's true: WHERE YOU GET PICKED DOES NOT DICTATE HOW WELL YOU WILL DO. A FIRST ROUND PICK DOES NOT GET MAGICAL BENEFITS; A FOURTH ROUND PICK SUFFERS NO PENALTY. THE PROGRESS OF YOUR PLAYER IS ENTIRELY DRIVEN BY YOUR DESIRE TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS LEAGUE WHETHER YOU'RE 1OA OR MR. IRRELEVANT.
01.01 (01):
NOLA — CB Dino Nuggets (TIJ) @swooshWith the first overall pick, the New Orleans Second Line select... cornerback Dino Nuggets of the Tijuana Luchadores! New Orleans uses this opportune moment to get a strong user at a coveted position. As we all know, the Second Line hosted a midseason fire sale and now have holes throughout their roster, but CB is arguably their biggest weakness. Why Nuggets over TPE-leader Owidhuse, you might ask? One word: BANK. Nuggets is FLUH-UUUUUSH WITH CAAAAAAAASH! Thanks to his innovative GFX skills, Nuggets is sitting pretty with a fat stack of $370M+ in his coffers. Don't you dare direct your anger and disdain at this resourceful human being. As the saying goes: don't hate the player, hate the game. It's not his fault that media pay is ridiculously outclassed. Nuggets is the hero we needed to finally shine a massive spotlight on this issue. Oh, Owidhuse is a member of HO, so he's part of the problem. #TeamNuggets!
01.02 (02):
BER — QB RE #38 (BBB) @AlerisBerlin had a dismal season. They had the all the personnel to thrive, but for some reason, they couldn't make it work. Their defense was a well-oiled machine, but the offense wouldn't have moved forward even if you had set them downhill and gave them a little push. It's possible things would've been different if they had their offensive hero, but no use dwelling in the past. RIP Marquees Acho Jr. The Fire Salamanders immediately address their offensive issues by choosing their QB of the future, RE #38. RSC is still young, but doesn't have the TPE to weather multiple periods of regression, so Berlin has to find his replacement now. What? I don't care! On the tracker, he's listed as quarterback!
01.03 (03):
COL — LB Federico Americano (NOR) @MN_MooseyAnother team with a less-than-ideal season, the Yeti enter another season in the top half of the draft order. With their QB-of-the-future already set and a big stable of DBs waiting in the wings, Colorado doesn't have too many needs. LB is certainly one need, though, and with the third overall pick, they take Federico Americano. The shell of Doc Fireball still has a season left on his contract, so Americano may use this season to further develop in the DSFL.
01.04 (04):
NOLA (from BAL) — QB Josh Patterson (LON) @Tylertokesome04With their second pick in the top five, the Second Line address their other big need: quarterback. Josh Patterson blazes in to be the heir apparent to Elessar Jones. When he gets called up will be a big question. Most QBs tend to hone their skills in the DSFL for the full four seasons, but with the steady decline of Jones, Patterson may be promoted after three. One thing to note, Willier Miller of the Sarasota Sailfish (also from London) was called up after three seasons, and he's poised to take home a few awards. Can New Orleans cultivate an environment for Patterson to similarly succeed?
01.05 (05):
NYS — RB Reginald Shrubbery (MINN) @shrub02Since Mandrews McHollywood lost the owner-adminstrator $5M for not hitting the over, the Silverbacks decide to inject more firepower into their offense. You'd think they would draft a WR, but nope, McHollywood's paltry showing in Week 7 lost all of the front office's hopes in the receiving game. Therefore, New York drafts running back Reginald Shrubbery to eventually take over for Michaelangelo McTurtle. You can already hear the the fans singing: "In New Yooork, concrete jungle where we Smash 20..."
01.06 (06):
SJS — WR Keanu Calhoun (DAL) @FrostbiteSpeaking of wide receivers, the SaberCats snag the top WR on their board, using the sixth overall pick to take Keanu Calhoun. With Higgins's retirement, Camacho sinking further into quicksand, and their budding WR in the DSFL banished to Pingland, San Jose was in dire need of a pass-catcher. At least, they hope he can catch. He's super duper fast, but with 20 dropped passes in his rookie season of the DSFL, could this be deemed a reach?
01.07 (07):
AUS — LB Aleksandar Ković (DAL) @RenoSeeing Austin picking in the top half of the draft order is a bit baffling, compounded by the fact Honolulu leap-frogged them in the standings by a significant margin, yet here we are. The Copperheads don't have many immediate needs, but they are certainly on the cusp of some battering by the regression monster. The biggest hole they have to fill is LB, and as such, they select Aleksandar Ković to shore up the corps. Joe Smokes has one and a half feet out the door, and Spicy Ron is about to turn into Mild Ron.
01.08 (08):
CHI — CB Heiiajs D. Owidhuse (KCC) @firstfrayThe overachieving Chicago Butchers finally don't make the playoffs! I don't know how they keep doing it with their less-than-stellar rosters. Speaking of less-than-stellar, the Butchers continue their practice of drafting questionable players (see S28 Pick 24: Tim Soulja; S30 Pick 4: Vincent Sharpei Jr.) and renew their bad image by nabbing HO-member Heiiajs D. Owidhuse. At least they take someone at a position of need, but I suppose that isn't saying much when every position is a need.
01.09 (09):
OCO — WR Aaron Jäger (POR) @MouseMazingThe Otters are back in the YOFFS! I believe Adrian St. Christmas has yet to miss a postseason. Orange County has quite a young roster, but they're all blossoming quite well. Their biggest needs seem to be WR, CB, and S, but I have it on good authority that Jäger threatened to grow really big and crush an entire town if GM slate were to not draft him. John Stark VIII may have injected some kind of serum into Jäger that could make good on that threat, so the Otters will get a new receiver!
01.10 (10):
YKW — LB Octavion Speedings (DAL) @CeeKayFather Time gives the Wraiths another good whack with his cane. Over half of Yellowknife's current roster (11 out of 21) is going to regress. RIP to the pour soul who has to update this team. YKW looks to rejuvenate the heart of an ISFL defense by taking a linebacker in Octavion Speedings. Speedings started out in the league as a wide receiver, but reports have surfaced that he ate way too much Texas barbecue and gained a lot of weight. The coaches decided to use his new bulk on the defensive side of the ball and have been testing him at LB. Speedings may need his new bulk to keep him warm in chilly Yellowknife!
01.11 (11):
SAR (merely using away team as loser) — DE LeHarm James (DAL) @LHarmHow many of you rode Willier Miller to 4th place in your fantasy group, eh? Sarasota surprised the NSFC behind Miller's sensational rookie season, and their future looks to be heading in an upward trajectory. The Sailfish appear to be pretty well-equipped at all levels of their offense and defense. Their weak point may be their defensive line, and they address that immediately by taking LeHarm James. Sarasota will have a very young d-line going forward, but if they can all fulfill their potential, that can only spell good things for many seasons to come.
01.12 (12):
NOLA [from AZ (merely using away team as loser)] — OL Blacksmith Andre (BBB) @MufordAt Pick 12, New Orleans takes the steal of the draft. How he did not go first overall is beyond me, but the Second Line couldn't have found a better guy to help bring this team to the promised land. This man does not have a mean bone in his body. He is the personification of altruism. He is the epitome of class. If you're having a bad day, the mere presence of Blacksmith Andre will make you want to sing and donate to charity. This guy is so magnanimous that having him on your team will immediately increase your cap space by $2M+. Don't be surprised if Andre's radiant aura propels NOLA to the Ultimus this coming season.
01.13 (13):
BAL [from HON (merely using away team as loser)] — OL Dan Dandrews (MINN) @sburbineThis Baltimore team is similar to OCO's, where they have young talent everywhere. With all pieces seemingly in place, the Hawks get the luxury of drafting an O-lineman, and they take Dan Dandrews. Dandrews had a very respectable rookie season with the Minnesota Grey Ducks, tallying 56 pancakes and allowing only one sack. Eventually having 3 human OL, QB Preston Beatz should feel quite safe in the pocket.
01.14 (14):
NOLA [from CTC (merely using home team as winner)] — TE Hank Mardukas (MINN) @Chicken LipsWith the final pick of the first round, New Orleans choose TE Hank Mardukas. Mardukas could very well take over as TE1 right away, replacing the inactive Turt Golem. Mardukas has a couple of side gigs making podcasts and giving suspect gambling advice, so lacking money he is definitely not while having dedication he definitely does!
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~
Oop, that's all, folks! The tour budget has been cut by like 90% so we won't get to hear two rounds like in the past. Let's step away so the owner-administrator doesn't see us and nix the tour department all together! Now, you'll have to go home! This campus doesn't have dorms so you'll have to commute. No more free stuff to give you folks, either, as that was like 50% of the tour budget. Nevertheless, we hope you join us in the area of Mockademia!
RE: Mock U V: Because Twitter's Gone & I'm the Worst Gambler - Tylertokesome04 - 05-24-2023
I dig it!! Great write up @Twenty6
RE: Mock U V: Because Twitter's Gone & I'm the Worst Gambler - Chicken Lips - 05-24-2023
I like this one because it is colorful.
RE: Mock U V: Because Twitter's Gone & I'm the Worst Gambler - swoosh - 05-24-2023
Enjoyed the write ups on each pick. Muford at 12 is a giant reach though.
RE: Mock U V: Because Twitter's Gone & I'm the Worst Gambler - Martin.Bachman - 05-24-2023
Not even an honorable mention like I got in Swoosh’s mock. Martin’s stock is back to rock bottom. Glad to see my boy Toke predicted so high though.
RE: Mock U V: Because Twitter's Gone & I'm the Worst Gambler - LHarm - 05-24-2023
Nice write-up! This reminds me to do my mock draft because I'll have different opinions
RE: Mock U V: Because Twitter's Gone & I'm the Worst Gambler - Twenty6 - 05-24-2023
(05-24-2023, 09:04 PM)Martin.Bachman Wrote: Not even an honorable mention like I got in Swoosh’s mock. Martin’s stock is back to rock bottom. Glad to see my boy Toke predicted so high though.I usually go two rounds, but today I was struggling to write blurbs for the folks in the second round, so I just scrapped the whole round. FWIW, you were going to Chicago at 22.