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+---- Thread: *Zen Thoughts Ep.2 (Sad Boy Edition) ft. Karen Mode (/showthread.php?tid=47060)
*Zen Thoughts Ep.2 (Sad Boy Edition) ft. Karen Mode - lock180 - 08-17-2023
*Warning* what you are about to read is Zenzeroni Xystarch II’s unfiltered reaction to events and games that have happened over weeks 3 and 4. Read precariously or preciously or precisely or whatever the term is.
NOTE: If you have not read this masterfully done piece by fireyheart AKA Paul McLaughlin https://forums.sim-football.com/showthread.php?tid=47042 I would recommend you do so as it will give context to some of what is included in this edition of Zen Thoughts
WEEKLY ZENZERONI REPORT FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR FETTUCCINI MOZZARELLA
*Italics indicate a thought produced by Zenzeroni
*Bold indicates context/miscellaneous info
This is unbelievable. Of all the times for the Midwestern Arcane to publish an article about me NOW is NOT the time for it. I have a big game against the “top dogs” Dallas Birddogs for a fight for first and they publish these rumors that I’m some kind of evil reptilian alien creature? I have no idea what the meaning behind this is but these rumors need to stop immediately. This Babineux character is getting too close to the truth and I can’t let him continue to interview shifty characters like Langstrom if I want to continue making progress through the DSFL and ISFL.
Game 1 Dallas Birddogs
Game 1 of a doubleheader this is going to be a long day, isn’t it? Either way, I am more than ready. Hell, I don’t even know a single player on the Birddogs talk about irrelevant. But I can’t get that article out of my damn mind. How am I supposed to focus on kicking when these people think I’m some kind of lizard alien creature? Whatever the case playing on home turf always feels good. Time to go to midfield for my weekly Tik Tok dance. “Aye aye aye aye RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR”. I was not feeling it like I usually am hopefully kicking a few practice field goals will get me warmed up and out of this funk.
What the hell is up with this crazy wind today? It’s usually never this bad and it decides to be windy today? I mean come on I’m trying to kick here! Ayo kicker guy on the other team. Are you having the same problems with the wind? He nods his head yes. Man come on really? This is so dumb let’s just get this game over with and hopefully, the next one will be better.
0-0 1st quarter (13:26) First drive of the game: A sack, negative 1 yard, and an interception….way to go team great start to the game! Keep playing like this and I won’t even have to stand up from the bench. Makes things a lot easier for me.
0-7 1st quarter (11:37) Second drive of the game: And another 3 and out with a sack to go with it. Can our offensive line do anything? Can our Quarterback throw the ball? Can our receivers catch the ball? Can our offensive line block? Can our running back run forward? I mean holy guacamole this is just sad. I don’t even have it in me to have a good punt. They can have it at midfield. They deserve it the way we are playing.
0-7 1st quarter (4:16) Dallas Kicker misses a field goal: Yep there’s that wind. It’s going to be a tough one out there today that is for sure. I don’t blame him whatsoever and neither should his teammates. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long day.
3-7 1st Quarter (2:15) 47 yard Field Goal attempt for BBB: Don’t think about the wind. Don’t think about the wind. Don’t think about the wind. Zenzeroni lines up for the kick the snap is good the hold is good and Zenzeroni nails the 47-yard field goal to get BBB on the board still down 3-7. The curve on that kick was insane I can’t believe I made that! Hopefully, Thor and the rest of the offense can score some touchdowns so I don’t have to do as much work because man that long kick was stressful.
3-7 2nd Quarter (6:18) 34-yard Field Goal attempt for BBB: Just like before right in-between the uprights no big deal. This time we are even closer so it should be even easier. I —-- what is that? Is that some kind of lizard person in the stands? Oh no. I need to — The center snaps the ball, the hold is good and Zenzeroni takes a couple steps forward unsure of himself still looking off in the distance and kicks wildly missing and going towards where he saw a “lizard person” but he kicked it to an area where no one even was. What is going on I swear there was — ugh I can’t believe this. Now the team is going to hate me for missing.
3-7 2nd Quarter (4:05) Dallas fumbles: Our defense has been so good this half. It’s a shame we haven’t been able to score more points. Sure it may be my fault a little. But we have been so close to scoring touchdowns multiple times! Last drive if we hadn’t had that penalty near the goalline we would probably have scored a touchdown and wouldn’t have had to deal with kicking a field goal. But at least our defense is keeping us in the game.
3-14 2nd Quarter (1:07) Touchdown Dallas: Maybe I thought too soon. Although keeping them completely scoreless each quarter is a tall task and it should be a lot closer than this. Luckily we still have another half to go so plenty of time to come back down by 11.
*During halftime Zenzeroni sits in a locker all by himself staring mindlessly at the locker across from him. No one comes to comfort him as they pass by ignoring his existence completely. It’s like he is a ghost to everyone. Maybe he is a ghost to everyone. Either way Zenzeroni’s mental had taken a hit and it brought him back to his time in Spaghetti School when he was kicked out for not being able to properly make spaghetti from scratch instead he foolishly used store-bought spaghetti. He had been devastated then and he was devastated now but he couldn’t get the lizard man out of his head.*
3-14 3rd Quarter (7:50) On a 4th & 2 on the Dallas 26 BBB elects to kick a field goal: Why do you forsake me? Just go for it I clearly can’t kick a ball. Missing a 34-yard field goal should never happen to me. But maybe this is the Spaghetti Monster saying it is time for redemption. And I don’t see any lizard people so maybe I’m safe this time around. The snap and hold are both good and Zenzeroni winds up to kick but as he takes his last step the uncooked pasta that he puts in his shoe before every field goal for good luck, snaps. In his lifetime as a kicker, this has never happened and he holds for just a minute too long and hooks it to the left of the upright. Zenzeroni doesn’t say anything after the miss and refuses to acknowledge anyone including his coach who is throwing a tantrum on the sideline in disbelief of another missed field goal. He ignores the fans booing him in fact he doesn’t see anything going on around him. The only thing he sees in front of him is the tunnel. And walks towards and through it without anyone stopping him but right before he gets to the locker room a janitor that looks mysteriously like Zenzeroni’s old friend from Spaghetti School who tragically died after falling into a vat of tomato sauce stops him in his tracks. He doesn’t say anything but begins walking down the hall toward the tunnel. He turns the corner and disappears from view. Zenzeroni rushes to catch up to him but when he turns that same corner the janitor is nowhere to be seen. Bewildered by the events of the day Zenzeroni takes a deep breath and emerges from the tunnel just in time to see that he has to punt the ball.
3-14 3rd Quarter (2:00) Fumble Dallas: Great work Cleocatchra! Way to go down and get that! Still have plenty of time for a comeback I don’t know what has been going on today but maybe it is for the better. And the way our defense has been playing I don’t think there is anything that can stop us as long as our offense gets moving.
3-14 3rd Quarter (1:10) BBB goes 3 and out: Well so much for that here comes… I don’t even know which punt this is. There have been so many I’ve lost track at this point.
3-14 4th Quarter (13:33) Dallas misses a 50-yard field goal: There’s no shot they tried that with the wind how it is today. I don’t think even ISFL kickers could make that field goal today. That may affect his stats but he tried his best although I suppose it is a good thing he missed cause we still have a good shot at winning this thing if our offense can DO SOMETHING. PLEASE.
3-14 4th Quarter (11:55) BBB goes 3 and out: How many times are we going to go absolutely nowhere or even negative during our drives. Our offense surely isn’t THIS bad. The only reason we make it past the 50 is if our defense forces a turnover and we end up over there because that’s where the turnover took place!
9-14 4th Quarter (7:01) BBB touchdown they elect to go for the 2-pt conversion: Finally a touchdown! And finally, some good coaching to go for a 2-point conversion! Not only is it the right strategic move but with the way I’ve been missing I’d say it is the right move in that sense as well. 2 point conversion failed. Well, that’s alright still plenty of time and with the defense holding strong I’m sure our offense will be back on the field in no time.
9-14 4th Quarter (3:41) Dallas goes 3 and out but BBB throws an interception 3 downs later: You have to be kidding me. We had all the momentum and Thor literally throws it away as the final seconds are ticking by. I may have missed two field goals but he hasn’t been a good Quarterback at all this game. Unable to keep drives moving and throwing untimely turnovers are I’d argue way more costly than my missed field goals but that’s neither here nor there.
9-20 4th Quarter (2:06) Dallas TD XP no good: My one gripe with our defense is our inability to prevent the touchdown. We are great at stopping teams from scoring but when they do it is pretty much exclusively touchdowns. Luckily the wind helps us out and the extra point is missed but we still need two scores in 2 minutes which is looking pretty grim.
15-20 4th Quarter (00:45) 52-yard TD BBB failed 2-pt conversion: Oh my gosh I can’t believe they actually did it. Still 1 minute on the clock but we have to be able to recover the onside kick here. Dallas recovers. Yeah, that was going to be tough anyways. Even with a recovery, we would have needed to go 50 yards in 30 seconds with no timeouts which would have been hard. Sure if I made my two field goals we would have won but I blame the rest of the offense way more than I blame myself. The wind was crazy, whoever thought it was a good idea to publish that article about me before the game was clearly trying to sabotage me, and I’m superstitious that spaghetti breaking definitely meant something I just don’t know what yet.
I mean here’s the deal to prove the wind was insane today just look around the league. In my own game, Dallas’s kicker missed both field goals and went 2 for 3 on extra points! At least I made all my extra points and 1 of 3 field goals. In the Luchadores/Seawolves game, the kickers went for a combined 5/11 on field goals! Then in the Minnesota/London game, it was more of the same they would combine for 2/4 on field goals. The only game that seemed normal was the Portland and Kansas City game where they made all the field goals and only missed one extra point but something strange is going on in Portland and I can’t quite figure out what it is yet but we head there next so maybe I can sort it out when I get there. The league needs to look into not playing games on windy days such as today because it extremely affects our kickers and as seen here, completely swings games in the favor of one team or the other based on their ability to score touchdowns rather than get into field goal position.
Besides my terrible field goal work (which I am very little to blame for) my punts were immaculate as always. 6 punts with 3 inside the 20 is light work and a solid near 47-yard average will certainly do and clearly helped the defense out a ton but it is on to Portland who has been extremely good. Almost….too good.
Game 2 Portland Pythons
Pregame: This place just seems odd. The air here is different something is definitely off about this place but I just can’t quite place it. Bamford and Dangerson have already made their presence known although I don’t really care about what they have to say. But this game will be difficult. They have blown out every opponent so far but hopefully, our defense can limit the damage, and our offense can score enough to keep us in the game but only time will tell. And you know what? I’m not really feeling a Tik Tok dance tonight the people here seem a little too intense for my taste and after losing last week it doesn’t hit the same so let’s get this show on the road.
0-0 1st Quarter (13:51) Portland goes 3 and out to start the game: Wow great defense looks like our usual defense has shown up today that’s a good sign! Now it is time to see if our offense can break out of the slump they have been in with their lack of scoring and get on the board early to put some pressure on the Portland offense.
0-0 1st Quarter (9:56) Zenzeroni punts pinning Portland at their 3-yard line: Wooooo baby that’s what I’m talking about! I’m feeling good today! 41 yards and they are pinned on the 3-yard line? You are welcome defense. And while that wasn’t what I wanted to see out of the offense at least they got the ball moving enough so that we could keep the field advantage on our side. Now let’s see the defense go to work.
0-0 1st Quarter (7:12) Portland punts on a 4th & 17 after getting one first down: I wonder where that high-powered offense is? Huh? Strange I haven’t seen Bamford making any plays out here? I wonder if he’s on the bench? Oh no, he was out there but he wasn’t doing a damn thing which I’d say is actually worse than if he was riding the bench. Poor Cue has probably the best arm in the DSFL and his receiver is failing him!
7-0 1st Quarter (5:26) TD BBB XP is good: Easy as that. Great field position to start the drive and with some solid runs from BMP we were set up for an easy passing touchdown from Thor! Without the wind, these kicks are light work as well! This game is great! Portland has no answers for our swarming defense which makes it easy for our offense to score with short-field positions. This is how it should be every game day! Time to blow these Pythons out of the water!
7-7 1st Quarter (2:32) Portland TD XP is good: Well that was not ideal but it was bound to happen eventually still a tied game and it is early on so plenty of time to get that momentum back as well as the lead! They got lucky with some penalties and lucky throws on that drive so nothing to stress about too much there. I have complete faith in our offense on this next drive!
7-7 1st Quarter (1:16) BBB go 3 & out: Not ideal but we were on an uphill battle after that 2nd & 17 I can still easily pin them at around the —. Zenzeroni’s thoughts become a jumbled mess and we are only able to interpret things to the best of our ability but at the moment he is about to get the ball it would appear that instead of defenders lining up on the other side of the ball he sees snake people instead. Trying to shake this vision out of his mind he closes his eyes but right as he opens them the ball is spiraling toward him. He tries to recover and fumbles around with the ball but by the time he gets into position to kick the ball the defenders have swarmed him and the punt is blocked giving the Pythons excellent field position. What the hell was that I could have sworn they— you— I— what has that article done to me? I really need to get this sorted because this is getting out of hand. But if our defense could hold Portland to a field goal that would be the best case. Well, the best case is a turnover but that is unlikely so I’d be happy with a field goal right here.
7-14 1st Quarter (00:16) Portland TD XP Good: I forgot our defense only allows touchdowns so I guess that was bound to happen. But there are still 3 whole quarters left what could possibly go wrong with so much time on the clock? There is so much time for our offense to click again and our defense to become its normal self!
10-14 2nd Quarter (10:18) 36-yard field goal good by Zenzeroni: Ez pz lemon squeezy that’s what I’m talking about! And we are still right in this thing with arguably the best team in the league right now! Who would have thought that? And my weird visions have gone away man things are starting to really turn around I think! Even though the drive stalled we were still driving which shows progress from previous attempts so we are sure to keep cashing in from here on out.
10-21 2nd Quarter (5:36) Portland TD XP Good: They really do have a good offense I guess. Our defense is easily the best if not one of the best in the league so for them to be getting chewed up like this something is up or maybe Cue is just that good. Either way, we really need a scoring drive on on this next drive if we want to stay in this because things could get out of hand soon if we aren’t careful. But I have faith in Thor and Passarelli and the rest of the gang to get that done.
10-21 2nd Quarter (2:22) BBB interception on Portland 19: We make it to the red zone and this happens? Are you serious right now? We were gaining momentum again! We were about to bring it back to a one-score game and we do this? Come on! Things were going so well! We had chewed up so much time by the time they would/if they got the ball back they wouldn’t have had time to do anything with it plus we get the ball to start the second half so we could have gone back to back but now they have 3 minutes and all 3 timeouts to score again before the end of the half.
10-28 2nd Quarter (00:15) Portland TD XP Good: That was our chance. We missed our opportunity. And now we go into the half down by 18. Our defense needs to somehow stop them enough times for our offense to score 3 touchdowns at the minimum in the second half otherwise we are going to end up like the rest of them.
BBB Halftime locker room: I don’t see a single smile on anyone's face. I think everyone has accepted their fate at this point. It seems like our only goal now is to keep it as close as possible so that we don’t completely embarrass ourselves. The usually peppy Passarelli is remarkably somber, McLauchlin is just sitting in his locker eating food, and our Quarterbacks are nowhere to be seen. I still can’t shake that blocked punt. What happened to me? I just don’t understand how my brain could possibly se—. Zenzeroni’s thoughts trail off as he sees his dead friend once more at the entrance to the locker room. His friend shakes his head in disappointment and walks away from the door and into the hall. Zenzeroni runs out the door and looks both ways down the hall but sees him nowhere. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! I don’t understand?? What is my brain trying to say? What does he want? Maybe I need to come clean and tell the team and the Midwestern Arcane the truth. Maybe that’s what this is all about. But I will wait a bit longer maybe my head will clear by next week.
Portland score another TD and Field goal and BBB score a garbage time touchdown to end the game 38-17: This Portland team needs to be investigated immediately. I think we have another Bishop Sycamore case on our hands and this needs to be investigated by the league immediately. There is no way Jay Cue III should be playing down on a DSFL team right now and that is a fact. And frankly, maybe my brain wasn’t playing tricks on me maybe all the Pythons are a bunch of snake people! That is probably why they are so hard to tackle and are scoring so many points! Because they just slither out of the grasp of the defenders who are used to tackling ACTUAL PEOPLE. This is outrageous and I can’t believe the league is letting this happen. Portland should have all of their wins revoked and given to the teams they “beat”. Bamford is insufferable despite posting a measly 4 catches not even reaching the 50-yard mark. If I was on that team I would have had 300 yards with 5 touchdowns at the very least. On to the next one I guess.
Doctor Fettuccini Mozarella’s Notes on Zenzeroni’s behavior: Our patient is responding extremely well to the device we have implanted in his brain that monitors his thoughts and REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED we look forward to seeing where this project leads and are looking forward to implementing it into more patients in due time.
RE: Zen Thoughts Ep.2 (Sad Boy Edition) ft. Karen Mode - Assistant to the POR GM - 08-17-2023
Cope