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+---- Thread: *Zen Thoughts Ep. 3 - Flip Flop (/showthread.php?tid=47162)
*Zen Thoughts Ep. 3 - Flip Flop - lock180 - 08-24-2023
From the Desk of Doctor Fettucini Mozzarella
8/23/23
Log 8675309
There has been some strange behavior coming from Zenzeroni Xystarch over these last two weeks. We expected side effects as a result of the chip we put in his brain to influence/read his thoughts but some of the behavior goes outside the realm of what we are capable of altering here at the facility. We will continue to track Zenzeroni’s thoughts and feelings but it is becoming increasingly more difficult to predict what he will think and do when we should be getting a better understanding of how he is feeling and acting at all times.
- Dr. Fettucini Mozzarella
Week 4 London Royals
Pregame: Feels good to get back out here after that pounding by the Pythons. Can’t say it wasn’t expected but it still hurt a bit. Either way it doesn’t matter we are still #2 in the division and Dallas isn’t as good as they think they are. Meanwhile we play London and I can smell some expired OJ in the air. Time to head to the fie— what the hell have they done to the field? What am I looking at right now? What the hell does “oozing” “throbbing” mean and why is there ketchup and mustard as part of the logos? What happened to the Buccaneers theme we had going on here? I genuinely don’t understand. This was supposed to be a cool color rush day and this is what the fans come up with?
15:00 Bucs Fumble: The first play of the game. Really? This is going to be how it is? THE FIRST PLAY OF THE GAME?! We are so lucky we recovered that. BMP you are on thin ice with me. Our offense can’t do anything any way you don’t need to make it worse.
9:22 first quarter Bucs field goal attempt: The only reason we made it over here is because of a penalty so consider ourselves lucky I guess. Why do I have to kick from the middle of the X in no mustard? Who designed this field and what is the reference I DO NOT GET IT!. 42-yard kick is good. Back on track feelin’ good today no wind and no trickery so far from the refs or the Royals that would make me concerned but OJ is always lurking around with that suspicious beverage of the sidelines.
5:31 first quarter (3-0) London 42 yard field goal no good: And that my friends is why you sign a kicker that can kick in any circumstances. Even with a field like this I can make it from anywhere no problem. If every team signed a clone of me they wouldn’t have to worry about kicks at all because I simply don’t miss. I’m probably better than 90% of ISFL kickers already as well.
1:29 first quarter (6-0) Bucs 35 yard field goal good: Another offensive drive stalls. Big surprise. This offense really needs to step it up if we have any chance at winning another game. Like seriously they do understand we need to score more points than the other team to win the game right? I’m doing my part and 3 points is better than none but without touchdowns, our games are going to end up like the game against Portland every time.
12:55 second quarter (13-0) Bucs touchdown xp good: BMP popping off right now! After that fumble on the first play BMP has hit a whole new level. And Malik is putting in the work too! I don’t know if we threw the ball a single time on that drive but we scored so I can’t complain. Anyways Thor probably would have thrown an interception. We have the best running tandem in the league right now so why stop?
00:15 second quarter (16-0) Bucs 28 yard field goal good: Well I can’t complain too much. Another field goal by me and BMP running the ball like a chicken with its head cut off. Our defense has been impenetrable realistically the only thing that needs to get going is our passing game but it isn’t that big of a factor because our running game has been too good.
00:10 second quarter (23-0) Bucs pick 6 xp good: No way did that just happen! Why didn’t they just take it into the half. There were only 10 seconds left it wasn’t like they were going to make any progress anyways. And Cleocatchra read that thing like a book offenses really do be sleeping on Cleocatracha. Honestly, they sleep on this entire defense because of one bad game and our offense never showing up it makes our defense look worse than it actually is.
11:20 third quarter (30-0) Bucs touchdown xp good: Wow as soon as I think about our passing game being our only weak point in the game so far Thor and Sanchez connect for 2 passes in a row ending in a touchdown. And of course, I’m not going to miss an extra point so you can guarantee those +1’s to be put on the scoreboard right away. This field is really starting to grow on me. I can’t believe I’m even thinking that considering what it looks like but here we are blowing out a formidable opponent like we are the Portland Pythons.
1:52 third quarter (30-0) London turnover on downs: I mean I guess I get why they went for it on their own 30 down by this much but still now we have great field position that’s been given to us for free when we haven’t really been able to move the ball in the second half. But I guess London has worse playcalling than the Bucs do which is quite hard to do. Especially when we have Thor as quarterback to work around.
00:04 3rd quarter (30-0) Bucs fumble on the goaline: Malik are you kidding me? Both running backs have now fumbled the ball but at least they have both been able to recover. Are they putting ketchup on the football and making it slippery or something? Because holy guacamole this is getting unrealistic. Touchdown bucs xp good. Well it didn’t matter in the end and I doubt it would have mattered even if London got the ball since we are up by so much. But against a better team in a closer game that could really cost us.
9:35 4th quarter (37-7) London touchdown xp good: After over 50 minutes of playing London finally gets on the board. Congratulations to them. And OJ finally made a catch for a large gain so good for him! But I mean our defense is just playing relaxed defense no need to get hurt at this stage in the game when leading by so much with so little time left. The rest of this game is just a formality.
2:39 4th quarter (37-7) 2nd & 29 for London: 2 sacks in a row and now London is backed up to their own 15? And they are still going for it on 4th down? 4th down conversion failed. What was the point of that. Do they really want us to score again that bad? Just punt it away and let us chew up the rest of the clock. Now we are so close to the endzone it is going to be hard not to score. Touchdown Bucs xp good. See what I mean? Wasting my time wasting your time and wasting the refs time. The only time that isn’t being wasted is for the fans because for some reason they are loving every little thing about this. From the field to the score to the players I have never heard them so happy about a game before and I can’t really blame them.
44-7 Final Score Postgame: Wow what are those stats?! Over 200 yards combined rushing yards with 196 yard from BMP that is insane! Thor only threw the ball 13 times which is crazy but the running duo had almost 50 rushes between the two of them! Defense was crazy as always and of course I didn’t miss any of my kicks because that’s just not what I do unless the wind decides to be a little bitch. Time to go to the locker room and get cleaned up and ready for the— Zenzeroni sees his friend who had died in a tragic tomato sauce incident while attending Spaghetti School walking straight toward him from the tunnel. Zenzeroni stops in his tracks and turns around to see if anyone else sees the man but no one is paying attention. He turns back around and his friend is gone but where he had last seen him walking up the tunnel was a single flip flop. Zenzeroni picks it up and walks toward his locker getting ready for the next game.
Week 5 Kansas City Coyotes
Pregame: I hate the Coyotes so much. Well, I don’t hate the Coyotes so much I hate Crazy Tomato so much. He thinks he’s so much better than me just because he’s won a couple more bets than me. Whatever. He’s gotten lucky. Someone should ask him who got drafted to the DSFL first?! And now DL14 wants to get involved too? Please I will destroy him as well if I have too. Everyone wants a piece of Zenzeroni the hottest player on the market right now. Zenzeroni sees a poster of himself as a lizard. What the…give me that. Zenzeroni takes the poster from the fan and breaks it over his knee throwing it on the ground. Those jokes aren’t funny. I am NOT a lizard and don’t you forget it.
13:08 first quarter 58 yard punt down at the 5 yard line: That fan in the pregame has me all sorts of pissed off good luck scoring on this drive backed up to your own five. A bunch of chumps in this stadium. Zenzeroni takes out the flip flop he found from last week. Flip flop. I wonder what it could mean. Hopefully it doesn’t mean that we are about to flip and flop. Surely that would be a bit too on the nose. Anyway one three and out doesn’t dictate the rest of the game and we are definitely the better team.
11:46 first quarter (2-0) Mcbean safety: LETS GOOOOO. SAFETY MCBEAN. All set up by my amazing punt of course. There’s no way the defense could do anything without me and my incredible leg. But wow what a play by McBean and that just proves that we are an infinitely better team than the Coyotes despite the two specific players that bet the other way.
7:54 first quarter (9-0) Bucs touchdown xp good: Tack on another 7 points with BMP continuing to stay hot from last week and an extra point from the goat Zenzeroni Xystarch II aka myself. And we are cruising to another victory and hunting down those dumb Birddogs at the top of our division. I can’t believe how lucky they have gotten over the last couple of weeks because they are not a good team. Or at least not better than us.
3:25 first quarter (9-0) Coyotes 36 yard field goal attempt no good: Wow their whole team sucks. I thought maybe Crazy Tomato was dragging down their defense and their offense was just spotty but their kicker is also bad? This team has nothing going for them and has some of the worst fans in the league on top of all this? Pshhh I guess I would also be a salty fan if my team wasn’t able to score easy points like that one.
13:38 second quarter (9-7) Coyotes touchdown xp good: Okay way to get on the board it won’t be a shutout for you guys. Those running plays are really starting to chew up our defense we are going to need to figure out that running back if we want to keep a hold of that lead. But as long as Crazy Tomato is in playing defense they have virtually no shot at winning this game even if our offense is known for not putting up a ton of points.
4:37 second quarter (9-7) Coyotes turnover on downs: They went for it on 4th & 7 at midfield?! What are they doing?! Over the last two weeks these opposing coaches have really shown me that our coach isn’t as bad as I originally thought because I mean are you serious? Sure the running game has been decent but you aren’t running the ball on 4th & 7 and we have an incredible pass rush and secondary what did you think was going to happen? Oh well, free points for us. Thank you very much.
2:00 second quarter (16-7) Bucs touchdown xp good: And there it is. Don’t hand out freebies unless you actually want them to be cashed in. Are they tanking for the next DSFL draft? Because that’s what it seems like. Especially with picking Crazy Tomato in the second round maybe they realized their mistake and are deciding to start all over hoping to get the first overall pick in this upcoming draft so that they can reset everything.
1:04 second quarter (16-7) Coyotes fumble but recover: Butterfingers over here come on guys we have to pounce on that ball! That was our chance to blow this barn door off it’s hinges! Now they still have the ball and have a chance to score at least a field goal if not more! It’s still a 2 score game but possibly not for long and we still have a whole other half to play so step it up and stop messing around.
00:20 second quarter (16-10) Coyotes 36 yard field goal good: And there’s the points I was hoping to avoid. At least it was only a field goal and considering this kickers history I’m kind of surprised he made it in the first place but I guess a squirrel finds a nut every once in a while so he was bound to get lucky at some point. Let’s get into the locker room and reenergize because this game should not be this close.
8:45 third quarter (16-10) Coyotes 43 yard field goal no good: Ahhhh there he is! Back to his normal missing ways! Good to see ya back pal. Maybe the Coyotes should have drafted me instead of wasting a pick on Crazy Tomato. I haven’t seen him all game I wonder if he’s actually done anything. Probably so scared of me he didn’t even show up to the game in fear of my sheer presence on the football field.
13:37 fourth quarter (19-10) Bucs 18 yard field goal good: I’m not going to complain too much because I get to pad my stats and it’s free publicity for me. But we were on the inches mark next to the endzone with arguably the best running back tandem in the league with BMP and Malik and we decided to kick it? I get that it’s a two score game now but we could have really put this one out of reach had we gone for it on fourth down. But with the Coyotes offense somehow worse than us we are still probably safe.
3:30 fourth quarter (19-17) Coyotes touchdown xp good: Wonderful. We just let them march down the field and score a touchdown. Only 3 and a half minutes left though so let’s just chew up the clock get a couple first downs and call it a day. Even though this was not our best performance we can go home knowing we will have a winning record heading into week 6 which is all you can really ask for at this point in the season.
1:34 fourth quarter (19-17) Coyotes fumble but recover: no. No. NO. NOOO! HOW DO YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TWICE IN ONE GAME?! AND NOW THEY ARE ON THE 20 YARD LINE WITH ONLY A MINUTE TO PLAY. THEY ARE PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEED TO WIN. HOW DID WE CHOKE THIS SO BADLY?! FIRE EVERYONE. FROM THE COACHING STAFF TO THE PLAYERS TO THE BALL BOYS TO THE EQUIPMENT MANAGER GET THEM ALL OUT OF HERE. HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY LOSE TO THE KANSAS CITY COYOTES?! WE FUCKING FLOPPED OKAY? I GET IT. WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?! Zenzeroni throws the flip flop into the crowd and he sees his dead friend catch it.
1:09 fourth quarter (19-24) Coyotes touchdown xp good: *No thoughts registered*
Final Score 19-24 Postgame:
Doctor Fettucini Mozzarella’s Footnotes: As can be seen in the report above we lost contact with Zenzeroni’s thoughts after the missed chance at a fumble and his subsequent delusion of seeing his dead friend in the stands. This may also be the reason for what happened next. Below is a news article from the end of the Coyotes game on Tuesday. As the experimenters and makers of “The Noodler” we were aware there may be some flaws and adjustments that needed to be made but it would appear that a combination of results seem to have fried Zenzeroni Xystarch’s brain. From what we can put together those events include the loss of millions of dollars from betting, the loss of a close friend due to a tragic accident, the lizard people article written about him, and the thought that everyone in the league was out to get him. He is currently being held in jail but is expected to be released in time for his week 6 and 7 matchups. We will try and reconnect with him then. Until then here is the news article:
The Kansas City Coroner
BREAKING NEWS: Kicker Gone Crazy
Breaking News out of Kansas City tonight - the kicker for the Bondi Beach Buccaneers Zenzeroni Xystarch II was arrested late Tuesday night towards the end of a tight matchup between the Bondi Beach Buccaneers and Kansas City Coyotes. Trailing late, the Coyotes were driving with a chance to take the lead but fumbled the ball with 1 minute to go in the game. Luckily they were able to recover and would eventually go on to score the game-winning touchdown. However, after the fumble recovery, Zenzeroni was seen throwing what appeared to be a flip-flop from the sideline into the stands hitting an empty seat. He then threw down his helmet jumped into the stands and picked up the flip flop and started hitting the empty seat with the flip flop saying “You aren’t my friend. You aren’t my friend. I hate tomato sauce. I hate tomato sauce”. Security quickly arrived on scene and arrested Zenzeroni. On his way out declaring “I am not a lizard. I’m just a—” but was cut off before we could hear the rest of what was said. No injuries were reported as it looked like Zenzeroni was fighting an invisible man but he is being held in jail for observation. We will report more as more information is provided to us.
RE: Zen Thoughts Ep. 3 - Flip Flop - Assistant to the POR GM - 08-24-2023
All bark and no bite
RE: Zen Thoughts Ep. 3 - Flip Flop - OrangeJulius - 08-24-2023
Just wait till week 11 Mr Media
RE: Zen Thoughts Ep. 3 - Flip Flop - homercrates - 08-24-2023
accurate reaction to that field.