+- International Simulation Football League (https://forums.sim-football.com)
+-- Forum: Community (https://forums.sim-football.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=5)
+--- Forum: Media (https://forums.sim-football.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=37)
+---- Forum: Graded Articles (https://forums.sim-football.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=38)
+---- Thread: *The Problem in Yellowknife (/showthread.php?tid=49178)
*The Problem in Yellowknife - lock180 - 01-15-2024
I started this article writing with the goal of recapping every one of Yellowknife's terrible players and giving them grades for the entire season. The end result was going to be everyone receiving an F. They had pretty much the worst defense in the league and a middling offense that couldn’t get the job done. But there was a telling tale throughout the season. More than just Yellowknife playing badly, more than one of our players getting kicked from the league, and more than the AMAZING new logo we just received. No. The tale of this season lies in two players from the season 43 class entering their second season in the league. This is the story of how the Yellowknife Wraiths lost the season because of Thor Dangerson and Zenzeroni Xystarch II.
Funnily enough, this story begins before any of the games even took place. Zenzeroni was coming off an All Pro, Pro Bowl rookie season and was excited as he was determined to stay on track to be a better version of Venus Powers. But trouble was afoot and we must introduce a third party to this whole conundrum, a rookie by the name of “Emerson Bigguns”. The new defensive tackle for the Wraiths saunters up to Zenzeroni and tells him “ I am 100% taking Xystarch for my kicker so I can lord it over him. That way, every time he scores he is also helping me win”. You see, Bigguns and Xystarch ended up in the same fantasy group, and Bigguns was going to take Xystarch, as described in the quote, so that any time Xystarch did good in a game, he would be hurting his own chances of winning fantasy. However, the rookie backed down from the more seasoned veteran Zenzeroni Xystarch II and allowed him to pick himself. But there was a mysterious shadow looming in the corner and as Emerson left, Thor emerged and with one click of a button, Zenzeroni now belonged to Thor Dangerson.
“My entire season rests upon Zenzeroni Xystarch II” he declared skipping away down the hall as darkness consumed him once more.
But Zenzeroni was far from happy. He knew Thor would rather be playing games like a school child in the voice channel than focus on winning actual games and now he had a dilemma. Tank his stats and the season so that Thor would lose his fantasy group. Or play the all pro season he is more than capable of like he did last season and allow Dangerson to gloat for the rest of eternity. Zenzeroni couldn’t justify tanking his own team so he decided he would go out there and be himself. Play the football he knew how to play and let Thor enjoy the moment.
But there was clearly something wrong with Zenzeroni. The weight of a fellow teammate's fantasy team on the line was too much for him and it showed in week 1 as he would immediately miss his first field goal of the season. He would shake it off and make the second but the worried faces of his teammates and coaches were evident in the locker room after the game. This was more than a sophomore slump. This was something bigger. Oblivious to Zenzeroni’s troubles Thor was high fiving and dancing around the locker room securing 6 tackles throughout the game despite the defense giving up 35 points.
In a bounce back win both Thor and Zenzeroni performed well. Thor had 3 tackles with one for a loss as well as 3 passes defended. Zenzeroni made 2 field goals and only missed an incredibly tough 61 yard field goal. But darkness loomed ahead and the cobwebs Zenzeroni had hidden in the closet were coming out. The next matchup was against the Berlin Fire Salamanders the very team that selected a different kicker, Golden Foote, one pick before he would be taken off the board. Zenzeroni desperately wanted to prove himself against the team that refused to draft him but Thor Dangerson and the miserable defense allowed 54 points so despite Zenzeroni’s 5 extra points and a field goal, he was still one upped by Golden Foote who scored 7 extra points and a field goal. It was a devastating blow to his ego and problems were beginning to compound for Zenzeroni.
The next week Zenzeroni was in coast mode only kicking one field goal on the day and making it. But concerning habits surrounding Thor were starting to show. He would have another impressive day securing 4 tackles along with 1 sack and 2 passes defended. This wasn’t the concerning habit, what was a concerning habit was Thor’s disinterest in the game. Oftentimes he would be seen gone from the sidelines while the offense was on the field. Where he was no one could be sure but he would always make it back in time to play defense……
Zenzeroni, Thor, and the Wraiths were faced with the Butchers for their next week of action, and up to this point, the Wraiths were off to a 1-3 start. Not ideal, but they were hoping to turn things around. But Zenzeroni’s attention wasn’t on the game. As he looked over at the other sideline he tried to make eye contact with Triceracop, his good friend back in the Bucs days. He wanted so badly to have Triceracop on his team in place of Thor. The supportive impenetrable wall that was Triceracop made Zenzeroni feel so much safer compared to the rough, dangerous, unpredictable nature of Thor Dangerson. But Triceracop never met Zenzeroni’s eyes and clearly shaken by this, Zenzeroni would miss THREE of his FOUR field goals, something he had never done even in practice. It was so unlike the second year kicker and the emotion was evident on his face. At the end of the game, Thor had another excellent game trying to get past Triceracop as he had 7 tackles but when Triceracop went out to mid field at the end of the game, Zenzeroni was nowhere to be seen, too ashamed to meet up with his former teammate.
On autopilot for the next 3 game losing skid, Zenzeroni would go 7 for 8 in field goal attempts as Thor continued to slowly distance himself more and more from the team. Disappearing more and more in the middle of the game until suddenly he was gone.
The Wraiths took off from the increasingly freezing temperatures in Yellowknife and landed in Sarasota in preparation for the day's game. All throughout warm ups coaches were frantically searching for Thor Dangerson to make his appearance. It appeared as if Thor Dangerson had missed the plane to Sarasota. But it wouldn’t matter because, for the first time since week 2, the Wraiths won a game. And in the closing moments, as Yellowknife's defense was trying to secure the victory as Sarasota attempted one last ditch effort to tie the game, Thor Dangerson ran onto the field and immediately got called for a neutral zone infraction before getting dragged off the field by the coaches. Thor had missed 59 minutes and 4 seconds of the game to run onto the field with 56 seconds left and get called for a penalty. THAT was Thor’s contribution to the team's first win in 7 weeks.
For Week 10 it was another date with Zenzeroni’s arch rivals the Berlin Fire Salamanders and this time he was determined to get the best of Golden Foote. Foote went 1/2 on field goals and Zenzeroni saw his chance to be the better kicker. He was 3/3 so far and with 21 seconds left and the team down by two, Zenzeroni would need to kick an onside kick, have the team recover, and for him to kick a game winning field goal. Two of those three things would occur. Zenzeroni would execute a PERFECT onside kick. Orga Panda ever so gracefully recovered the ball on the 48 yard line. And Zenzeroni would line up for a SIXTY TWO yard field goal. Zenzeroni’s career long was a 61 yard field goal up to this point so he was kicking for a personal best and he had full confidence in himself until he glanced at the Wraith's sideline. Smirking with a smug look on his face, lounging on the bench, drinking Gatorade was Thor Dangerson. The man who had done absolutely nothing the entire game registering only 2 tackles and had a defensive holding penalty called on him earlier in the game, was staring back at him with his phone out pointing to his fantasy roster with Zenzeroni highlighted. After how rough the season had already gone, the amount of missed field goals Zenzeroni already had, Zenzeroni turned his attention back to the field, took his signature three step slide, and kicked the ball as hard as he could. The kick had the distance by a long shot. But Zenzeroni wasn’t aiming in between the uprights, he had aimed to the right of the uprights directly hitting a sign saying “Sign up for fantasy football today!”. The moment Zenzeroni kicked that field goal he didn’t bother to watch its trajectory, he knew where it was going to land. Instead, he jogged off the field, packed his bags, and got the hell out of Berlin as fast as he could.
The Wraiths, Thor Dangerson, and Zenzeroni Xystarch II had a decent next two weeks. Thor would go back to actually showing up to games and registering a good number of tackles, Zenzeroni wasn’t a complete disaster when taking field goals, and the Wraiths actually won another game!
It’s now week 13 and the Wraiths are well out of playoff contention. Sitting at 3-10 the game is more of a formality than anything at this point. I mean, they are playing the conference champ Colorado Yeti what chance do they have? That must have been the thought process for one Thor Dangerson because when gameday came, for the second time this season, he was nowhere to be seen. Zenzeroni and the rest of the Wraiths would find out later he had taken a trip to Zen’z Za Italian Pizza (a great place and we plan on expanding soon!) where he had ordered a vegetable pizza. Not a VEGETARIAN pizza a VEGATEABLE pizza. We at Zen’s Za don’t offer such a pizza because we aren’t heathens so Thor decided to make his own pizza in the middle of the restaurant and, adding insult to injury, dumping ranch on top as if it was whip cream on a shake. Needless to say Thor Dangerson, along with the insane eating methods of Thomas Passarelli and Doctor Who are ALL now banned from the Zen’s Za establishment. But back to the game at hand because while Thor was making a monstrosity of a pizza, the Wraiths pulled off a stunning upset DESTROYING the Yeti 40-28.
The Wraiths would go on to lose their final three games and end the season with a 4-12 record. But the story here is about Thor Dangerson and Zenzeroni Xystarch II. Thor went on to win his fantasy group (much to the disappointment of Zenzeroni), Zenzeroni would have his worst season ever as a kicker bringing credence into the sophomore slump, curse of Baron1898, and Thor’s shenanigans, and the team was searching for answers as to what went wrong in the disaster that was this 4 win season. I have a simple answer for all of you. Thor Dangerson. In two of the four games Thor Dangerson was not present, and the Wraiths won. For all you mathematicians out there that means the Wraiths were 2-0 when Thor decided to ghost his team and refuse to play. And they were 2-12 when he did decide to stumble around randomly tackling people. Thor’s fear mongering over Zenzeroni ultimately led to Zenzeroni’s doomed season but Zenzeroni was NOT the reason for the Wraith's failures. It is clear to me that Thor Dangerson is a liability to this team as illustrated by the facts above.
RE: The Problem in Yellowknife - Baron1898 - 01-15-2024
Thor Dangerson more like Thor Danger to the entire team and to Xystarch II specifically
RE: The Problem in Yellowknife - homercrates - 01-15-2024
This reads like a Thore Loser.