“I’m the #1 pick in the DSFL Draft. Period!”
Dick Wizardry didn't even sit down. I didn’t ask any questions at this point. He just walked in and announced himself that way. I’m Stephen B. Smitfter and this is Talking Smit. Today I’m talking to a brand new prospect who came out of the woodwork recently to sign up for the DSFL. Despite the best research team in the entire world I couldn’t learn anything specific about Wizardry. With him standing in front of me I learned that he is big. Despite being a running back, the guy is borderline Tight End size. I decided to pick his brain to get the answers the DSFL GMs have no doubt been looking for as well.
Me: So, let me ask the obvious question. Who is Dick Wizardry?
He looks confused.
Dick: I am. How do you not know this?
I realized I would need to dial back my dazzling interview skills a few notches. This one was on that Savea level of smarts if you get my drift.
Me: What I mean is what kind of person are you?
Dick: I’m the best. I’m gonna crush anyone in the DSFL who doesn’t believe in me and then I’m going to go #1 in NSFL after I’m done. I’m the truth. I’m the nightmare that makes every defense wake up in a cold sweat.
Me: We’ve been unable to find any information on your high school career and-
Dick: Are you sure you’re good at this job, bro? You don’t even know who I am and I’m in front of you and now you can’t find my work? Bro. Bro. I ran for over 7,000 yards in high school and 5,000 in two years of college. I took a year off to build houses for the homeless because I believe in the goodness of the heart and shit. I am 10,000 knives when what you need is a knife. I’m next to the word overkill in the dictionary, bro.
I was more than a bit taken aback by this complete unknown’s wealth of confidence. Meanwhile, he’s not even on Twitter. Who’s not on twitter in 2026? It’s where business gets done afterall.
Me: Okay so that’s a lot of running yards for sure. I’ll have to get you to give my staff some-
Dick: Woah bro. I’m not getting anywhere near your staff.
I took a few deep breaths.
Me: My assistants can get that information so we can find some highlights for you. So you’re a good runner. And you went to the University of Phoenix? I wasn’t aware they had a football team.
Dick: You don’t seem like you’re aware of a lot of shit, bro. Maybe I should’ve gone to Clayman.
Me: Now now. There’s no need for that kind of crazy talk my man. Let’s move away from your past and look to your future of accomplishments. You’ve obviously had a lot of contact with the GMs there. What have they been saying?
Wizardry sighs heavily and shakes his head at me. I got the impression that he was disappointed which didn’t make any sense at all.
Dick: Bro, you think I’m gonna give that kind of information away? Let go of all my leverage? This draft is going to be the most important in DSFL’s history and I’m not going to limit my options by showing you all my cards. That’s what separates me from these meatheads. The game is 80% mental and I’m 150% better than anyone else at it. Bank on that bro because I AM the money.
Me: What happens if you don’t go #1?
Dick: Then I go into wherever it is that didn’t pick me and I burn everything down every time I do and salt the floorboards beneath me.
Me: That would be Kansas City, who has the first draft pick.
Dick: I don’t care if they have the ice pick, the lock pick or the bio pic. If they don’t pick me, they might as well move the team to Chicago or some shit.
I laugh at the reference, a little surprised. He raises an eyebrow but says nothing.
Me: I will say that was a great reference. Shows your dedication to the league.
Dick: No idea what you’re talking about bro. Chicago is just the dumbest possible place I could think to move that team.Wait. Is it Kansas City, Missouri or Kansas City, Kansas?
Me: Missouri.
Dick: Nah, nevermind. Move ‘em wherever, bro.
Me: I’m not planning on them moving?
Dick: That's not my business.
I admit to being at a loss for words momentarily but like the heroic professional that I am, I pushed through.
Me: So what do you bring to the table, other than the obviously great running?
Dick: I have tremendous hands. I’m a great blocker. I return kicks. I fuck like a champion. I’m great in the community. I am Woke as fuck, too. Nobody is gonna hold down the Dick.
Me: Well, that’s obviously an attractive set of assets for any GM.
Dick: I’m not into that but I don't hate. One love!
Me: Let’s move on to your future. The DSFL season will come and go and then you’re faced with dealing the reality that running back is a crowded position in the NSFL. How are you gonna stand out when you’re facing the likes of Marquise Brown or even TREMENDOUS rookies who just got drafted like Antonio Sumner or Jerrod Canton?
Dick: I’m gonna stand out by being better than them. Because I am. I’m a five alarm chili that you can take home to grandma and shit. Beleive that. Look...I’ll show you. You don’t beleive in me, Shitfer. I’ll show you.
Me: Smifter.
Dick: Yeah. You have a ball somewhere right? You have to.
I looked around at my staff and one of them did in fact produce a football, which she tossed to Wizardry. He smiled and gave her a thumbs up.
Dick: Nice arm. Coulda been a high school starter at minimum. Hashtag You Too. Now, Stephen. Line up across. I know you’ve seen it enough. Lineup.
I stood up and did my best to line up against a guy who towered over me. He immediately spun off my right before I was set and was behind me. I looked back and he was fifteen feet away talking to that same member of my staff. As a man of truth I have to admit that she giggled at whatever he said. Wizardry returned to me with a big smile.
Dick: See that speed? No, you didn’t. That agility? Top level bro. Ankle breaking, rump shaking, badass running mega legend in the making. I’m gonna set records and burn out every expectation anyone has. And those expectations better already be high to begin with. I’m lightning bro but no bottle can contain me. Dick’s Out!
He got up and walked away without any further words. For me at least. I was a bit stunned overall. It’s very rare that anyone can leave me trying to play catch up, give my prodigious intelligence and experience but this kid had done so repeatedly. I honestly still have no idea if he can actually play football but I guess we’ll all find out after the DSFL Draft.
Thank you for joining me in my first special week of Talking Smit. Next week I have two more guests lined up and the NSFL is stacking itself to the roof trying to sit down with me so expect a lot of great guests in the future. Until then, I’m Stephen B.
[1282 WORDS]
[You too can mystify and confuse Smifter....its not that hard. Just let me know.]
Dick Wizardry didn't even sit down. I didn’t ask any questions at this point. He just walked in and announced himself that way. I’m Stephen B. Smitfter and this is Talking Smit. Today I’m talking to a brand new prospect who came out of the woodwork recently to sign up for the DSFL. Despite the best research team in the entire world I couldn’t learn anything specific about Wizardry. With him standing in front of me I learned that he is big. Despite being a running back, the guy is borderline Tight End size. I decided to pick his brain to get the answers the DSFL GMs have no doubt been looking for as well.
Me: So, let me ask the obvious question. Who is Dick Wizardry?
He looks confused.
Dick: I am. How do you not know this?
I realized I would need to dial back my dazzling interview skills a few notches. This one was on that Savea level of smarts if you get my drift.
Me: What I mean is what kind of person are you?
Dick: I’m the best. I’m gonna crush anyone in the DSFL who doesn’t believe in me and then I’m going to go #1 in NSFL after I’m done. I’m the truth. I’m the nightmare that makes every defense wake up in a cold sweat.
Me: We’ve been unable to find any information on your high school career and-
Dick: Are you sure you’re good at this job, bro? You don’t even know who I am and I’m in front of you and now you can’t find my work? Bro. Bro. I ran for over 7,000 yards in high school and 5,000 in two years of college. I took a year off to build houses for the homeless because I believe in the goodness of the heart and shit. I am 10,000 knives when what you need is a knife. I’m next to the word overkill in the dictionary, bro.
I was more than a bit taken aback by this complete unknown’s wealth of confidence. Meanwhile, he’s not even on Twitter. Who’s not on twitter in 2026? It’s where business gets done afterall.
Me: Okay so that’s a lot of running yards for sure. I’ll have to get you to give my staff some-
Dick: Woah bro. I’m not getting anywhere near your staff.
I took a few deep breaths.
Me: My assistants can get that information so we can find some highlights for you. So you’re a good runner. And you went to the University of Phoenix? I wasn’t aware they had a football team.
Dick: You don’t seem like you’re aware of a lot of shit, bro. Maybe I should’ve gone to Clayman.
Me: Now now. There’s no need for that kind of crazy talk my man. Let’s move away from your past and look to your future of accomplishments. You’ve obviously had a lot of contact with the GMs there. What have they been saying?
Wizardry sighs heavily and shakes his head at me. I got the impression that he was disappointed which didn’t make any sense at all.
Dick: Bro, you think I’m gonna give that kind of information away? Let go of all my leverage? This draft is going to be the most important in DSFL’s history and I’m not going to limit my options by showing you all my cards. That’s what separates me from these meatheads. The game is 80% mental and I’m 150% better than anyone else at it. Bank on that bro because I AM the money.
Me: What happens if you don’t go #1?
Dick: Then I go into wherever it is that didn’t pick me and I burn everything down every time I do and salt the floorboards beneath me.
Me: That would be Kansas City, who has the first draft pick.
Dick: I don’t care if they have the ice pick, the lock pick or the bio pic. If they don’t pick me, they might as well move the team to Chicago or some shit.
I laugh at the reference, a little surprised. He raises an eyebrow but says nothing.
Me: I will say that was a great reference. Shows your dedication to the league.
Dick: No idea what you’re talking about bro. Chicago is just the dumbest possible place I could think to move that team.Wait. Is it Kansas City, Missouri or Kansas City, Kansas?
Me: Missouri.
Dick: Nah, nevermind. Move ‘em wherever, bro.
Me: I’m not planning on them moving?
Dick: That's not my business.
I admit to being at a loss for words momentarily but like the heroic professional that I am, I pushed through.
Me: So what do you bring to the table, other than the obviously great running?
Dick: I have tremendous hands. I’m a great blocker. I return kicks. I fuck like a champion. I’m great in the community. I am Woke as fuck, too. Nobody is gonna hold down the Dick.
Me: Well, that’s obviously an attractive set of assets for any GM.
Dick: I’m not into that but I don't hate. One love!
Me: Let’s move on to your future. The DSFL season will come and go and then you’re faced with dealing the reality that running back is a crowded position in the NSFL. How are you gonna stand out when you’re facing the likes of Marquise Brown or even TREMENDOUS rookies who just got drafted like Antonio Sumner or Jerrod Canton?
Dick: I’m gonna stand out by being better than them. Because I am. I’m a five alarm chili that you can take home to grandma and shit. Beleive that. Look...I’ll show you. You don’t beleive in me, Shitfer. I’ll show you.
Me: Smifter.
Dick: Yeah. You have a ball somewhere right? You have to.
I looked around at my staff and one of them did in fact produce a football, which she tossed to Wizardry. He smiled and gave her a thumbs up.
Dick: Nice arm. Coulda been a high school starter at minimum. Hashtag You Too. Now, Stephen. Line up across. I know you’ve seen it enough. Lineup.
I stood up and did my best to line up against a guy who towered over me. He immediately spun off my right before I was set and was behind me. I looked back and he was fifteen feet away talking to that same member of my staff. As a man of truth I have to admit that she giggled at whatever he said. Wizardry returned to me with a big smile.
Dick: See that speed? No, you didn’t. That agility? Top level bro. Ankle breaking, rump shaking, badass running mega legend in the making. I’m gonna set records and burn out every expectation anyone has. And those expectations better already be high to begin with. I’m lightning bro but no bottle can contain me. Dick’s Out!
He got up and walked away without any further words. For me at least. I was a bit stunned overall. It’s very rare that anyone can leave me trying to play catch up, give my prodigious intelligence and experience but this kid had done so repeatedly. I honestly still have no idea if he can actually play football but I guess we’ll all find out after the DSFL Draft.
Thank you for joining me in my first special week of Talking Smit. Next week I have two more guests lined up and the NSFL is stacking itself to the roof trying to sit down with me so expect a lot of great guests in the future. Until then, I’m Stephen B.
[1282 WORDS]
[You too can mystify and confuse Smifter....its not that hard. Just let me know.]