Hey hey hey I'm back. I wonder if it'll make me pick Yellowknife first again. That would be unbelievable to the point that I would just probably start pretending to randomize my team and then just putting them first every week. And then people who joined later wouldn't necessarily be sure it was a joke. And now that I've said all that, it probably won't happen. In the meantime, I'm ready to get back at it, and I just wanted to say I appreciate the feedback I got from the 1st one. I hope I can entertain almost all of you as much as I did. In the meantime, we now find out if I plan to use any logical consistency in my opinions form week to week. Spoiler: [HIDE]lol.......no[/HIDE]
NEW ORLEANS
Congratulations, defending champs. You had a 13 point lead in the middle of the 4th quarter and won in overtime at home against one of the team most often picked to finish at the bottom of the league this season. And you'd have lost if not for a whole slew of penalties the Wraiths committed that shot themselves in the foot on multiple drives. Including the final drive. This isn't even counting the near safety either. Good job. You won. With Borro Gore having his best game in multiple seasons and scoring 3 touchdowns. That's what it took for you to win. You traded Oakes for this? Sad doot. Shout out to Borkus Maximus for shouldering the load. Shout out to that shoulder, because 64 throws deserves its own shout out. Hey Bryan Mills, thanks for actually showing up this week.
BALTIMORE
Your defense won this game on it's own, 13-10. Not 14-10 of course. That would require the most legendary kicker of all time to actually hit all his extra points. Austin Roenick had 17 tackles and an int for a touchdown. It's going to be really exciting for him to be runner up on performance of the year award to some RB who ran for 85 yards and 4 tds. Your quarterback threw for three different 6 yard touchdowns. The entire league was no doubt shocked to see that kind of deep ball play from this team. Very unlike you guys. Safeties are gonna have to start playing off the line of scrimmage at this rate. This was the most Baltimore Hawks game I can imagine. You had less yards, 1st downs, and got crushed in time of possession and won by 31. You're like Jason Vorhees without the humor. Taylor and Summer continue to solidify their spots as league super-villain team Skullfuck and Assram. That's pretty much what they're doing to opposing defenses. At least insofar as one can call whatever the Yeti and Liberty do "defense". Vinny Valentine. Just keep doing your thing while every WR that was taken before you does almsot as well and you lose out on the WRotY because a WR previously on your team already had a season like yours. At least it'll all be worth it when Baltimore lives up to it's legacy. Losing the Ultimus to whoever comes out of the clusterfuckery of the ASFC.
PHILADELPHIA
I'm just gonna be non-PC and say it. Falconi is the worst female QB in the history of the NSFL. The team got handed a golden opportunity late in the 4th and down 1 td when Lennox Garrett picked off Showbiz in scoring range to not only stop their momentum, but to give you that chance. You lost 6 yards and turned the ball over on downs, which effectively means you actually borrowed the ball to ADVANCE the Otter offense in that critical moment. Great work. That's some Legion-esque defensive prowess right there. Marquis Brown lived up to his hype as Mr. 3/4. Because that's the only part of the game you'll see him make an impact in. Two otters players combined for more yards and as many touchdowns as your entire offense. 30-14 though.
ORANGE COUNTY
I be you're pretty pleased with yourselves aren't you? Out there beating up on the handicapped kids in Colorado and Philly. Good job scoring less and also giving up more than Baltimore did versus the same two teams. Except both theirs were road games and both yours were home games. If Philly didn't shit themselves on the field both violently and with great wetness, you might have had to face OT. Your next two games are on the road against Baltimore and San Jose, so after this performance I can only say enjoy 2-2. Your #1 WR and former MVP Carlito Crush released a statement telling fans all about his personal struggles and how he was back to playing the kind fo football that made him a big name to begin with. He caught 4 passes for 31 yards and was outgained by at least two members of his own team. Good to see him back to playing his style of football. Gus TT Showbiz says that the extra T stands for Talent. Well...it stood fro Throw it to the other team with his 2 picks. Luckily, it was against an offense that couldn't find it's own ass with a flashlight and a head start.
ARIZONA
You held a team without a touchdown and forced them to make multiple 40+ yard field goal attempts. You lost. At home. You brought in Trey Willie but forgot to actually get your offense inside the 5 yard line where he's effective. Your running backs lived up to the Borro Gore hype. Your defense would've been significantly worse if not for easily being led by a linebacker that everyone mocks a previous GM for drafting. You punted from the 30 which seemed really stupid until your idiot kicker proved otherwise when missing a field goal from 9 yards closer. So good call on that punt. Shout out to the Outlaws who played a good game:
San Jose
I'm sorry, how did you not score a touchdown? This was the most boring game in the history of the league and you won it. Kudos I guess. Your massive rebuild has really born fruit. Your offense can't score and your defense was led by 3 older guys you traded for. That said, Jerrod Canton is really putting the work in to live up to his current standing as the backup Pro Bowler to Ricky Adams. The good news is that your team has a shot at the playoffs. Somebody in your conference has to. The official offensive player of the game is actually on special teams. That's how big a victory this was.
COLORADO
I'm putting as much effort into this write-up as 39 of your players did into the game. Sorry Howard Miller.
YELLOWKNIFE
Congratulations on your moral victory. After battling back, you put the game in the hands of your stud rookie RB 3 times to win it for you in TO. Maybe you should've drafted Asipi. Remember earlier when i said that Borro Gore had the best game in several seasons? he exceeded every nuanced and well researched opinion on him for this season. Good job letting that happen. This looks like the 3rd best team in the NSFL. On the bright side, Applehort is comfortable playing a great game of football only for it not to matter. He's been both a Yeti and a Hawk so he knows hope followed by crushing defeat really well. Makes him a veteran leader for moral victories like this one. Maybe the team should switch it's slogan from #WraithsNeverFreeze to #WraithsPenalizeLess or just try committing less dumb penalties all game. Good thing there are 100 bars within walking distance of the Second Line's stadium. Or maybe this team will just lose to the locals at drinking, too and then pat itself on the back for trying their best. 7-7 is looking like the future. And of course the moral victory of not coming in last.
Well, that's it for this week. Obviously, this fair and constructive criticism is done with expert analysis and forethought and not just because I looked at box-scores and wrote down a bunch of shit after a week of games that should essentially leave 1 team feeling confident, and even they have to be wary given how often they've dominated until it actually mattered. Welcome to the shitshow folks. It's gonna be a wild ride.
NEW ORLEANS
Congratulations, defending champs. You had a 13 point lead in the middle of the 4th quarter and won in overtime at home against one of the team most often picked to finish at the bottom of the league this season. And you'd have lost if not for a whole slew of penalties the Wraiths committed that shot themselves in the foot on multiple drives. Including the final drive. This isn't even counting the near safety either. Good job. You won. With Borro Gore having his best game in multiple seasons and scoring 3 touchdowns. That's what it took for you to win. You traded Oakes for this? Sad doot. Shout out to Borkus Maximus for shouldering the load. Shout out to that shoulder, because 64 throws deserves its own shout out. Hey Bryan Mills, thanks for actually showing up this week.
BALTIMORE
Your defense won this game on it's own, 13-10. Not 14-10 of course. That would require the most legendary kicker of all time to actually hit all his extra points. Austin Roenick had 17 tackles and an int for a touchdown. It's going to be really exciting for him to be runner up on performance of the year award to some RB who ran for 85 yards and 4 tds. Your quarterback threw for three different 6 yard touchdowns. The entire league was no doubt shocked to see that kind of deep ball play from this team. Very unlike you guys. Safeties are gonna have to start playing off the line of scrimmage at this rate. This was the most Baltimore Hawks game I can imagine. You had less yards, 1st downs, and got crushed in time of possession and won by 31. You're like Jason Vorhees without the humor. Taylor and Summer continue to solidify their spots as league super-villain team Skullfuck and Assram. That's pretty much what they're doing to opposing defenses. At least insofar as one can call whatever the Yeti and Liberty do "defense". Vinny Valentine. Just keep doing your thing while every WR that was taken before you does almsot as well and you lose out on the WRotY because a WR previously on your team already had a season like yours. At least it'll all be worth it when Baltimore lives up to it's legacy. Losing the Ultimus to whoever comes out of the clusterfuckery of the ASFC.
PHILADELPHIA
I'm just gonna be non-PC and say it. Falconi is the worst female QB in the history of the NSFL. The team got handed a golden opportunity late in the 4th and down 1 td when Lennox Garrett picked off Showbiz in scoring range to not only stop their momentum, but to give you that chance. You lost 6 yards and turned the ball over on downs, which effectively means you actually borrowed the ball to ADVANCE the Otter offense in that critical moment. Great work. That's some Legion-esque defensive prowess right there. Marquis Brown lived up to his hype as Mr. 3/4. Because that's the only part of the game you'll see him make an impact in. Two otters players combined for more yards and as many touchdowns as your entire offense. 30-14 though.
ORANGE COUNTY
I be you're pretty pleased with yourselves aren't you? Out there beating up on the handicapped kids in Colorado and Philly. Good job scoring less and also giving up more than Baltimore did versus the same two teams. Except both theirs were road games and both yours were home games. If Philly didn't shit themselves on the field both violently and with great wetness, you might have had to face OT. Your next two games are on the road against Baltimore and San Jose, so after this performance I can only say enjoy 2-2. Your #1 WR and former MVP Carlito Crush released a statement telling fans all about his personal struggles and how he was back to playing the kind fo football that made him a big name to begin with. He caught 4 passes for 31 yards and was outgained by at least two members of his own team. Good to see him back to playing his style of football. Gus TT Showbiz says that the extra T stands for Talent. Well...it stood fro Throw it to the other team with his 2 picks. Luckily, it was against an offense that couldn't find it's own ass with a flashlight and a head start.
ARIZONA
You held a team without a touchdown and forced them to make multiple 40+ yard field goal attempts. You lost. At home. You brought in Trey Willie but forgot to actually get your offense inside the 5 yard line where he's effective. Your running backs lived up to the Borro Gore hype. Your defense would've been significantly worse if not for easily being led by a linebacker that everyone mocks a previous GM for drafting. You punted from the 30 which seemed really stupid until your idiot kicker proved otherwise when missing a field goal from 9 yards closer. So good call on that punt. Shout out to the Outlaws who played a good game:
San Jose
I'm sorry, how did you not score a touchdown? This was the most boring game in the history of the league and you won it. Kudos I guess. Your massive rebuild has really born fruit. Your offense can't score and your defense was led by 3 older guys you traded for. That said, Jerrod Canton is really putting the work in to live up to his current standing as the backup Pro Bowler to Ricky Adams. The good news is that your team has a shot at the playoffs. Somebody in your conference has to. The official offensive player of the game is actually on special teams. That's how big a victory this was.
COLORADO
I'm putting as much effort into this write-up as 39 of your players did into the game. Sorry Howard Miller.
YELLOWKNIFE
Congratulations on your moral victory. After battling back, you put the game in the hands of your stud rookie RB 3 times to win it for you in TO. Maybe you should've drafted Asipi. Remember earlier when i said that Borro Gore had the best game in several seasons? he exceeded every nuanced and well researched opinion on him for this season. Good job letting that happen. This looks like the 3rd best team in the NSFL. On the bright side, Applehort is comfortable playing a great game of football only for it not to matter. He's been both a Yeti and a Hawk so he knows hope followed by crushing defeat really well. Makes him a veteran leader for moral victories like this one. Maybe the team should switch it's slogan from #WraithsNeverFreeze to #WraithsPenalizeLess or just try committing less dumb penalties all game. Good thing there are 100 bars within walking distance of the Second Line's stadium. Or maybe this team will just lose to the locals at drinking, too and then pat itself on the back for trying their best. 7-7 is looking like the future. And of course the moral victory of not coming in last.
Well, that's it for this week. Obviously, this fair and constructive criticism is done with expert analysis and forethought and not just because I looked at box-scores and wrote down a bunch of shit after a week of games that should essentially leave 1 team feeling confident, and even they have to be wary given how often they've dominated until it actually mattered. Welcome to the shitshow folks. It's gonna be a wild ride.
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