Sam removes his boxers and lets his towel hang on the rack while opening the door to the sauna when he hears a familiar voice “Sam what in the god’s name are you doing here”
S: “I thought I would come and do my next interview with you here in the sauna, you know like you said we could do in the future”
Maurice Virtanen puts his hand in his heads and thinks why did I have to have that idiot out of all the people decide to be the person who wants to interview me, well I guess it is something and I can’t be picky right now.
M: “Yes I did say sometime in the future and that usually means somewhere down the line, not the next possible time you feel like, and anyway how did you know how I was here. Didn’t I tell you that this is my sacred time when I am alone in the sauna”
S: “Oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to intrude on this at all, just heard some of the Tropics guys mention that you were probably going to enjoy the heat so I guessed you would be here”
M: “Well you already made it all the way here so I guess I might as well answer your questions while I’m at it, but you do understand that coming between a Finn and his sauna time is like going between an Aussie and his Marmite or a Canadian and his maple syrup? It really is not something to be trifled at”
S: “I really do apologise but sometimes us reporters and journalists really do have to go to extreme means to get our stories and sometimes you just have to take the heat *wink wink (noticing that his jokes really aren’t working on Maurice Sam decides to move on) soooo anyway, weeks 3 and 4 are behind us in the Prospect Bowl and the Tropics sit at 1-3, what are your thoughts on this?”
M: “Well what do you think I feel about this? It’s one of those most redundant and idiotic questions in sports journalism, but I digress. Of course, no-one likes to be at 1-3 and it feels pretty awful and shit in every regard, especially with how me and my guys on defence have played, no one deserves to be 1-3 after that!”
S: “Are you saying that the blame is somewhere else?”
M: “Well when you look at our defence, what would you say? Bjørn puts up 6 tackles and a sack today while I 11 tackles and a PD, last week JimJam had an interception, forced fumble and two TFL to go with 9 tackles while my main jam Otto beasted with 12 tackles. We are putting up those kinds of numbers and just jamming our opponents line play after play after play and whats there to show for it? Absolutely f**king nothing, just two big L’s to go back to. Against the Cobra’s it wasn’t even that bad and those types of games come around now and again, so that’s fine, but the disgraceful shit show against the Mongoose was really something else”
Maurice throws some more water (or löyly as the Finns call it as I later learn) on the sauna and calms himself down for a moment
S: “Do you want to talk more about this?”
M: “Remember how I talked about Gimmy last time out you and me were talking? Yeah, well that was me just being nice as we Finns try to be, but being honest he was absolutely horrendous against the Mongoose”
S: “You can’t actually be talking about Prospect Bowl legend Gimmy Jaroppolo?”
M: “You damn right I am, and you know what I think Prospect Bowl legend is at apt name for him because that’s all he ever will be and nothing more. I don’t understand where all the hype and commotion around this guy is from. He comes on to the team like some kind of damn Tom Brady and look what he gives us, an absolute god darn turd! We played against an offense where the best player was their frigging punter and all you can do is put up 2 picks and a rating of 38, how can you call yourself a Prospect Bowl QB, where did he get his QB license from, the cereal box he opened up this morning?”
S: “Those are some pretty strong words coming from you Maurice, I don’t know if people will take kindly to them”
M: “Well you know what, I don’t give a rats ass if they do, maybe then they can open their eyes and actually see what is happening around them and what level of football is played. Me and my guys will keep playing and trying to do our best on defense but if that’s the best Gimmy can muster then I don’t think even the ’85 Bears could carry him to a victory. Ugh you know what, I don’t want to talk about it anymore so how about you get out of the sauna”
Sam doesn’t know what to do but the tone of Maurice’s voice and his eyes tell him that maybe the best thing would be to follow his advice and leave and that’s just what he does while promising himself that that wouldn’t be the last interview he would have in the sauna with Maurice
S: “I thought I would come and do my next interview with you here in the sauna, you know like you said we could do in the future”
Maurice Virtanen puts his hand in his heads and thinks why did I have to have that idiot out of all the people decide to be the person who wants to interview me, well I guess it is something and I can’t be picky right now.
M: “Yes I did say sometime in the future and that usually means somewhere down the line, not the next possible time you feel like, and anyway how did you know how I was here. Didn’t I tell you that this is my sacred time when I am alone in the sauna”
S: “Oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to intrude on this at all, just heard some of the Tropics guys mention that you were probably going to enjoy the heat so I guessed you would be here”
M: “Well you already made it all the way here so I guess I might as well answer your questions while I’m at it, but you do understand that coming between a Finn and his sauna time is like going between an Aussie and his Marmite or a Canadian and his maple syrup? It really is not something to be trifled at”
S: “I really do apologise but sometimes us reporters and journalists really do have to go to extreme means to get our stories and sometimes you just have to take the heat *wink wink (noticing that his jokes really aren’t working on Maurice Sam decides to move on) soooo anyway, weeks 3 and 4 are behind us in the Prospect Bowl and the Tropics sit at 1-3, what are your thoughts on this?”
M: “Well what do you think I feel about this? It’s one of those most redundant and idiotic questions in sports journalism, but I digress. Of course, no-one likes to be at 1-3 and it feels pretty awful and shit in every regard, especially with how me and my guys on defence have played, no one deserves to be 1-3 after that!”
S: “Are you saying that the blame is somewhere else?”
M: “Well when you look at our defence, what would you say? Bjørn puts up 6 tackles and a sack today while I 11 tackles and a PD, last week JimJam had an interception, forced fumble and two TFL to go with 9 tackles while my main jam Otto beasted with 12 tackles. We are putting up those kinds of numbers and just jamming our opponents line play after play after play and whats there to show for it? Absolutely f**king nothing, just two big L’s to go back to. Against the Cobra’s it wasn’t even that bad and those types of games come around now and again, so that’s fine, but the disgraceful shit show against the Mongoose was really something else”
Maurice throws some more water (or löyly as the Finns call it as I later learn) on the sauna and calms himself down for a moment
S: “Do you want to talk more about this?”
M: “Remember how I talked about Gimmy last time out you and me were talking? Yeah, well that was me just being nice as we Finns try to be, but being honest he was absolutely horrendous against the Mongoose”
S: “You can’t actually be talking about Prospect Bowl legend Gimmy Jaroppolo?”
M: “You damn right I am, and you know what I think Prospect Bowl legend is at apt name for him because that’s all he ever will be and nothing more. I don’t understand where all the hype and commotion around this guy is from. He comes on to the team like some kind of damn Tom Brady and look what he gives us, an absolute god darn turd! We played against an offense where the best player was their frigging punter and all you can do is put up 2 picks and a rating of 38, how can you call yourself a Prospect Bowl QB, where did he get his QB license from, the cereal box he opened up this morning?”
S: “Those are some pretty strong words coming from you Maurice, I don’t know if people will take kindly to them”
M: “Well you know what, I don’t give a rats ass if they do, maybe then they can open their eyes and actually see what is happening around them and what level of football is played. Me and my guys will keep playing and trying to do our best on defense but if that’s the best Gimmy can muster then I don’t think even the ’85 Bears could carry him to a victory. Ugh you know what, I don’t want to talk about it anymore so how about you get out of the sauna”
Sam doesn’t know what to do but the tone of Maurice’s voice and his eyes tell him that maybe the best thing would be to follow his advice and leave and that’s just what he does while promising himself that that wouldn’t be the last interview he would have in the sauna with Maurice