"Run by Bigby gets them to the end-zone, touchdown Otters!" In the third quarter with 7:59 ticking in the clock, the Orange County Otters score another touchdown giving them an 18 point lead in the game. In the sidelines, you can see the Otters celebrating and cheering as they have put up 21 points up the scoreboard with the Yeti only having 3 whole points. Now before I commentate the rest of this game, I would like to show you the story of the Colorado Yeti.
[insert epic intro here]
Season 1 2016 - The Yeti start off as one of the six founding teams in the NSFL and have one of the most successful seasons to date. They ram through everyone like they were the patriots sweeping up the AFC east finishing off 8-6. This all won't matter because you lose to the Arizona Outlaws in the Ultimus. Have fun in the league!
Season 2 2017 - Sadly its hard to have fun when you lose your top defensive back and tackle in a expansion draft. They also lost their kicker, Bojo Kicksit. Good thing you can replace your kicker with another one in the incoming draft! And you trade a 4th round pick just to get the kicker back. I mean, I guess you needed a kicker but...why? Eh no big deal you go 8-6 again. And miss the playoffs....Maybe with luck on your side next year you will dominate!
Season 3 2018 - They are going to fucking kill it this year! You go 3-11, Your gms step down after the S3 draft, and Logan Noble decides to be a fucking idiot and got suspended for S3. That leaves you with no QB forcing you to trade Luke Tiermen and draft picks to the Wraiths for Nicholas Pierno. You won all your preseason games. Thats about your whole hightlight for the season. Jesus christ you guys couldn't even score more then 10 points in most games.
Season 4 2019 - You fuck up another year again. Your own front office is feeling the worst for this season. And they were right. You bring back all of your key members from last season and with Boss Tweed running the ball, you can't fuck this season up again! Sadly we were mistaken. First, you lose all of your preseason games. Second of all, You go 1-13. It can't get worse then this!
Season 5 2020 (hey!) - Well this isn't all bad. You get two great talents on your team after that tanking last season and fans are finally excited about next season. You got this Yeti, don't fuck it up again. (Spoiler: They fuck it up again) Congratulations! You have the best rushing team in the whole NSFL! Can't say the same for your passing game though. Sadly, Pierno was tanking the entire season thinking they were trying to tank like last year throwing 4 Touchdowns and 19 interceptions this year. 2-12 this time. Not as bad as 1-13 but still, you guys fucking suck.
Season 6 2021 - 3 bad seasons in the books and the Yeti are looking to try to go for another one as Their star cornerback Brice Boggs could not take the torture being in the facility and retired. Its okay though because you got a linebacker! That would sure put the band aid on the cut! Too bad your passing game still sucks ass and your defense is full of free agents and young players. This would lead to a 0-14 season, the best the Yeti have ever done in the NSFL. Oh but it gets more better here.
Season 7 2022 - Its rebuilding time! And when I mean rebuilding I mean destroying their own god damn team. They lose Boss Tweed, Carlito Crush, and Pierno right when he was going to his prime. New and young players were added like getting 100 tickets at Chuck E cheese giving them a new young QB, Ryan Applehort. Everything will be alright and okay everyone just has to put pressure on all of the fucking rookies. Applehort, was fucking terrible. A 4 touchdown to 21 interception ratio is basically giving the HO Vietnam flashbacks. As for the defense, they were also the worst defensive football team as the Yeti went 0-14..Fans have probably killed themselves over here after these two disaster football seasons.
Season 8 2023 - Oh so now they want to win, after everything has already turned into shit so bad you can see the disgust on the players faces. You got Eli Kamaka and Ricky Ramero. That is all. At least you won 6 games for the first time in years. But still, hows last place in the NSFC going for you right now?
Season 9 2024 - Your GM stepped down. You can decide if thats a good thing or not. Your new GM is...... (drumroll)......Dwayne Arron. Have fun staying in the basement! Is what I would had said if Applehort and Miller weren't such a great passing attack. You now have one of the leagues best receivers and finally get back to the playoffs with a 8-6 record! Wait a minute.. your supposed to keep tanking! Thats what it says in the sim book. Now go lose to the Hawks 40-34. With such a upgrade from this year there would be excitement for next years season for once.
Season 10 2025 - ...Unless Dwayne Arron stepped down from the Yeti. Eh, no big deal you got Scott Michaels and he is basically the same person as Arron was so you will be fine! You also got a good handy cornerback named Terrell Brister which gets you back into the playoffs with a 9-5 record! Hm? You lost to the Hawks in the playoffs again? At least you don't suck as much?
Season 11 2026 - Ryan Applehort has had enough of their shit and have decided to go to Baltimore, a team that actually wins games. Meanwhile, you get a new kicker and trade dozens of people because....thats the yeti way? Dosen't matter you still made it into the playoffs! And lost against the Hawks again? Jesus christ you guys suck so bad you can't even beat some team who is 3-0 in playoff wins against you right now.
Season 12 2027 - Fuck your logo! You need something that fits Colorado, like a Yeti! Fuck the football were all about rebranding our logo and shit we don't even care if we go 0-14 at this point! The teams exploited the rookies like putting mentos in pepsi. Nothing much to say about this year. Was pretty boring.
Season 13 2028 - You guys had a winning season? You guys signed stars? You guys don't suck? You guys are Ultimus bound! THE YETI ARE ULTIMUS BOUND! THE YETI ARE GONNA WIN THE ULTIMUS, ITS A DISNEY MIRACLE COME TRUE! The Yeti decide to continue their failure and lose 24-21 to the Otters. Do you still have fans?
Season 14 2029 - 2029 was a complete disaster. Apparently they were planning a rebuild but yeah....you guys sucked ass. You had one of the worst defensive seasons in NSFL history and you guys top it all off by going 4-10. I feel bad for the people who lost to you but they probably sucked ass aswell.
Season 15 2030 - Wow, you guys are fucked. Those good picks you had for the draft, gone. Your good players? Gone in a expansion draft. Your offense and defense? Fucking gone. All the remains of the offense and defense was fucking terrible. 9 game losing streak too Jesus Christ. 2-14 for you, The sim gods have no mercy. Amen.
Season 16 2031 - Oh look Colorado, ANOTHER Expansion Draft! Another one bites the dust. You also had 6 picks in a 29 player draft class. Everyone is already going like "Yep, this season is going to be dog shit." They only got 1 win out of 13 games. apparently the fourteenth one died off or some shit but who cares! They will do better next year! Right?
Season 18 2032 - At least you didn't do bad as I thought you were going to be? Ah nevermind you did so fucking terrible Oregon could beat you. Your offense and defense still went to shit and you are stuck in the past so bad its like your trying to make it worse. Their whole team was basically filled with rookies. But "Oh no! There gonna have a spark next season! The sim gods will show mercy on them! They will win a Ultimus!" Lets wait and see.
Season 19 2033 - Woah! Your team is sort of good now? You finish 5-8 but the rest of the NSFC is a mess so you get into the playoffs against the Hawks. You. Are. Fucked. 31-0 in the Wildcard would be the end of this playoff run. You got in the playoffs for the first time since 2028! Give yourself a round of applause!
Season 20 2034 - You must of done some hard work or shit to make this your season as this was your first winning season since 2028! Finishing the season 8-5 is damn impressive and we are so proud of you! 4th best offense and 6th best defense! Now go out there and beat Baltimore's ass for the first time! They lost 39-17. Such is the end of a great season. By losing to the fucking Hawks every playoff run you have.
Season 21 2035 - Everyone in the whole NSFL is rooting for you to win the Ultimus! This is your year! All you have to do is take it all in. Or get crushed in the wild card by the Wraiths. No doubt in my mind to say that the Yeti is a fucking mess. For the oldest team in the NSFL you haven't won a single fucking Ultimus. If Chicago didn't exist everyone would be laughing at you. Enjoy another disappointing year Yeti fans. If those even still exist.
Season 22 2036 - And now we are here. There is no reason to fear Yeti players as the Hawks went 3-10 this year and missed the playoffs. Now all you have to do is WIN. cues rocky theme First game is against a expansion team that is way better then Honolulu. After years of losing in the wild card please don't tell me you- oh, you won? Well It wouldn't matter because your facing Yellowstone again and you know how bad they fucked you up last year. Great season Yeti you are once again a failure- YOU WON?! They beat the top team in the NSFL, Holy fuck. You are going to face the Otters in the Ultimus. God Speed.
"We are back from the commercial break as the Yeti have possession of the ball. 2nd and 10 on the otters 14 yard line, pass by Mcdummy is complete to Sauce at the 3 yard line! And now Mcdummy will run it into the end zone, it is a TOUCHDOWN!"
The Yeti have scored their first touchdown in the Ultimus making the score 21-10. The Otters now having the ball runs it to waste the clock down as they punt it away in the forth quarter. Pass to Arrow is complete and he is on the runs for a 21 yard gain! They march down the field as Michael Vincent rushes into the Endzone for a touchdown! To tie the game by a field goal, they will take the chances and go for 2. It.....Is.....A Success! With 10 minutes left in the game the Otters decide to pass to Philips for a 31 yard gain! They will now be running the clock down that could very much decide a winner early for the Otters. They would go for a Field goal and with 4 minutes left the Yeti have taken possession of the ball. Pass is....COMPLETE TO OWENS FOR 32 YARDS! The Yeti call a timeout with 1:30 left. Mcdummy....Escaping the pocket.....Passes to James Bishop (have fun in retirement Bishop!)......It is.....CAUGHT! THE YETI HAVE TIED THE GAME UP IN THE FORTH QUARTER! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES OR WHAT?! It all leads to this now. Banana's field goal attempt to potentially win the game right here. The kick goes STRAIGHT THREW THE NET AND THE YETI CELEBRATES AS THEY HAVE TAKEN THE LEAD WITH 38 SECONDS LEFT! Banana kicks it off as Dream takes it to their own 48 yard line. Pass is complete to Philips WITH 0 SECONDS LEFT, THE YETI HAVE FINALLY WON THE ULTIMUS! THE YETI HAVE FINALLY WON THE ULTIMUS! 21 YEARS OF SUFFERING LEADS TO THIS.25-24 THE FINAL SCORE!
The Colorado Yeti have defined all odds. They have won the Ultimus against Orange County. The crowd goes fucking wild. The Otters are silent and disappointed as the Yeti have finally won something in their life span. Go have a milkshake Colorado. You deserve it.
[insert epic intro here]
Season 1 2016 - The Yeti start off as one of the six founding teams in the NSFL and have one of the most successful seasons to date. They ram through everyone like they were the patriots sweeping up the AFC east finishing off 8-6. This all won't matter because you lose to the Arizona Outlaws in the Ultimus. Have fun in the league!
Season 2 2017 - Sadly its hard to have fun when you lose your top defensive back and tackle in a expansion draft. They also lost their kicker, Bojo Kicksit. Good thing you can replace your kicker with another one in the incoming draft! And you trade a 4th round pick just to get the kicker back. I mean, I guess you needed a kicker but...why? Eh no big deal you go 8-6 again. And miss the playoffs....Maybe with luck on your side next year you will dominate!
Season 3 2018 - They are going to fucking kill it this year! You go 3-11, Your gms step down after the S3 draft, and Logan Noble decides to be a fucking idiot and got suspended for S3. That leaves you with no QB forcing you to trade Luke Tiermen and draft picks to the Wraiths for Nicholas Pierno. You won all your preseason games. Thats about your whole hightlight for the season. Jesus christ you guys couldn't even score more then 10 points in most games.
Season 4 2019 - You fuck up another year again. Your own front office is feeling the worst for this season. And they were right. You bring back all of your key members from last season and with Boss Tweed running the ball, you can't fuck this season up again! Sadly we were mistaken. First, you lose all of your preseason games. Second of all, You go 1-13. It can't get worse then this!
Season 5 2020 (hey!) - Well this isn't all bad. You get two great talents on your team after that tanking last season and fans are finally excited about next season. You got this Yeti, don't fuck it up again. (Spoiler: They fuck it up again) Congratulations! You have the best rushing team in the whole NSFL! Can't say the same for your passing game though. Sadly, Pierno was tanking the entire season thinking they were trying to tank like last year throwing 4 Touchdowns and 19 interceptions this year. 2-12 this time. Not as bad as 1-13 but still, you guys fucking suck.
Season 6 2021 - 3 bad seasons in the books and the Yeti are looking to try to go for another one as Their star cornerback Brice Boggs could not take the torture being in the facility and retired. Its okay though because you got a linebacker! That would sure put the band aid on the cut! Too bad your passing game still sucks ass and your defense is full of free agents and young players. This would lead to a 0-14 season, the best the Yeti have ever done in the NSFL. Oh but it gets more better here.
Season 7 2022 - Its rebuilding time! And when I mean rebuilding I mean destroying their own god damn team. They lose Boss Tweed, Carlito Crush, and Pierno right when he was going to his prime. New and young players were added like getting 100 tickets at Chuck E cheese giving them a new young QB, Ryan Applehort. Everything will be alright and okay everyone just has to put pressure on all of the fucking rookies. Applehort, was fucking terrible. A 4 touchdown to 21 interception ratio is basically giving the HO Vietnam flashbacks. As for the defense, they were also the worst defensive football team as the Yeti went 0-14..Fans have probably killed themselves over here after these two disaster football seasons.
Season 8 2023 - Oh so now they want to win, after everything has already turned into shit so bad you can see the disgust on the players faces. You got Eli Kamaka and Ricky Ramero. That is all. At least you won 6 games for the first time in years. But still, hows last place in the NSFC going for you right now?
Season 9 2024 - Your GM stepped down. You can decide if thats a good thing or not. Your new GM is...... (drumroll)......Dwayne Arron. Have fun staying in the basement! Is what I would had said if Applehort and Miller weren't such a great passing attack. You now have one of the leagues best receivers and finally get back to the playoffs with a 8-6 record! Wait a minute.. your supposed to keep tanking! Thats what it says in the sim book. Now go lose to the Hawks 40-34. With such a upgrade from this year there would be excitement for next years season for once.
Season 10 2025 - ...Unless Dwayne Arron stepped down from the Yeti. Eh, no big deal you got Scott Michaels and he is basically the same person as Arron was so you will be fine! You also got a good handy cornerback named Terrell Brister which gets you back into the playoffs with a 9-5 record! Hm? You lost to the Hawks in the playoffs again? At least you don't suck as much?
Season 11 2026 - Ryan Applehort has had enough of their shit and have decided to go to Baltimore, a team that actually wins games. Meanwhile, you get a new kicker and trade dozens of people because....thats the yeti way? Dosen't matter you still made it into the playoffs! And lost against the Hawks again? Jesus christ you guys suck so bad you can't even beat some team who is 3-0 in playoff wins against you right now.
Season 12 2027 - Fuck your logo! You need something that fits Colorado, like a Yeti! Fuck the football were all about rebranding our logo and shit we don't even care if we go 0-14 at this point! The teams exploited the rookies like putting mentos in pepsi. Nothing much to say about this year. Was pretty boring.
Season 13 2028 - You guys had a winning season? You guys signed stars? You guys don't suck? You guys are Ultimus bound! THE YETI ARE ULTIMUS BOUND! THE YETI ARE GONNA WIN THE ULTIMUS, ITS A DISNEY MIRACLE COME TRUE! The Yeti decide to continue their failure and lose 24-21 to the Otters. Do you still have fans?
Season 14 2029 - 2029 was a complete disaster. Apparently they were planning a rebuild but yeah....you guys sucked ass. You had one of the worst defensive seasons in NSFL history and you guys top it all off by going 4-10. I feel bad for the people who lost to you but they probably sucked ass aswell.
Season 15 2030 - Wow, you guys are fucked. Those good picks you had for the draft, gone. Your good players? Gone in a expansion draft. Your offense and defense? Fucking gone. All the remains of the offense and defense was fucking terrible. 9 game losing streak too Jesus Christ. 2-14 for you, The sim gods have no mercy. Amen.
Season 16 2031 - Oh look Colorado, ANOTHER Expansion Draft! Another one bites the dust. You also had 6 picks in a 29 player draft class. Everyone is already going like "Yep, this season is going to be dog shit." They only got 1 win out of 13 games. apparently the fourteenth one died off or some shit but who cares! They will do better next year! Right?
Season 18 2032 - At least you didn't do bad as I thought you were going to be? Ah nevermind you did so fucking terrible Oregon could beat you. Your offense and defense still went to shit and you are stuck in the past so bad its like your trying to make it worse. Their whole team was basically filled with rookies. But "Oh no! There gonna have a spark next season! The sim gods will show mercy on them! They will win a Ultimus!" Lets wait and see.
Season 19 2033 - Woah! Your team is sort of good now? You finish 5-8 but the rest of the NSFC is a mess so you get into the playoffs against the Hawks. You. Are. Fucked. 31-0 in the Wildcard would be the end of this playoff run. You got in the playoffs for the first time since 2028! Give yourself a round of applause!
Season 20 2034 - You must of done some hard work or shit to make this your season as this was your first winning season since 2028! Finishing the season 8-5 is damn impressive and we are so proud of you! 4th best offense and 6th best defense! Now go out there and beat Baltimore's ass for the first time! They lost 39-17. Such is the end of a great season. By losing to the fucking Hawks every playoff run you have.
Season 21 2035 - Everyone in the whole NSFL is rooting for you to win the Ultimus! This is your year! All you have to do is take it all in. Or get crushed in the wild card by the Wraiths. No doubt in my mind to say that the Yeti is a fucking mess. For the oldest team in the NSFL you haven't won a single fucking Ultimus. If Chicago didn't exist everyone would be laughing at you. Enjoy another disappointing year Yeti fans. If those even still exist.
Season 22 2036 - And now we are here. There is no reason to fear Yeti players as the Hawks went 3-10 this year and missed the playoffs. Now all you have to do is WIN. cues rocky theme First game is against a expansion team that is way better then Honolulu. After years of losing in the wild card please don't tell me you- oh, you won? Well It wouldn't matter because your facing Yellowstone again and you know how bad they fucked you up last year. Great season Yeti you are once again a failure- YOU WON?! They beat the top team in the NSFL, Holy fuck. You are going to face the Otters in the Ultimus. God Speed.
"We are back from the commercial break as the Yeti have possession of the ball. 2nd and 10 on the otters 14 yard line, pass by Mcdummy is complete to Sauce at the 3 yard line! And now Mcdummy will run it into the end zone, it is a TOUCHDOWN!"
The Yeti have scored their first touchdown in the Ultimus making the score 21-10. The Otters now having the ball runs it to waste the clock down as they punt it away in the forth quarter. Pass to Arrow is complete and he is on the runs for a 21 yard gain! They march down the field as Michael Vincent rushes into the Endzone for a touchdown! To tie the game by a field goal, they will take the chances and go for 2. It.....Is.....A Success! With 10 minutes left in the game the Otters decide to pass to Philips for a 31 yard gain! They will now be running the clock down that could very much decide a winner early for the Otters. They would go for a Field goal and with 4 minutes left the Yeti have taken possession of the ball. Pass is....COMPLETE TO OWENS FOR 32 YARDS! The Yeti call a timeout with 1:30 left. Mcdummy....Escaping the pocket.....Passes to James Bishop (have fun in retirement Bishop!)......It is.....CAUGHT! THE YETI HAVE TIED THE GAME UP IN THE FORTH QUARTER! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES OR WHAT?! It all leads to this now. Banana's field goal attempt to potentially win the game right here. The kick goes STRAIGHT THREW THE NET AND THE YETI CELEBRATES AS THEY HAVE TAKEN THE LEAD WITH 38 SECONDS LEFT! Banana kicks it off as Dream takes it to their own 48 yard line. Pass is complete to Philips WITH 0 SECONDS LEFT, THE YETI HAVE FINALLY WON THE ULTIMUS! THE YETI HAVE FINALLY WON THE ULTIMUS! 21 YEARS OF SUFFERING LEADS TO THIS.25-24 THE FINAL SCORE!
The Colorado Yeti have defined all odds. They have won the Ultimus against Orange County. The crowd goes fucking wild. The Otters are silent and disappointed as the Yeti have finally won something in their life span. Go have a milkshake Colorado. You deserve it.
lol