It’s that time of year again, everyone. Time for the biggest and baddest dog and pony show this side of the Donna Dickson Line – The Prospect Bowl. While scouts from all over the DSFL and ISFL are out here this week taking stock of the players performances on and off the field, I’m here to guide you through something just as important as strong instincts and good form – a great name.
This draft class is one of the larger ones we’ve had in recent memory, which gives us a very healthy number of players to pick from. And let me tell you – these players’ parents did not disappoint with the names they branded their children with.
Ranking Criteria
#1 – How well does the name fit the player’s position or persona?
#2 – How creative is the player’s name?
#3 – How much money did said player pay me to be included on this list?
#4 – How much did the player’s name make me laugh?
#5 – How much do I like the player on a personal level?
Quarterbacks
QB1: Jackie Daytona – Tokyo Drifters
QB2: Bill Brasky – Amarillo Tumbleweeds
For what turned out to be a relatively small player pool, Quarterbacks still delivered some solid name choices. The best of the bunch is easily Jackie Daytona. His name immediately conjures up images of a Jim McMahon-esque player with a mullet, standing on the sidelines smoking a cigarette in between series, who then overthrows his receiver by 25 yards and yells, “fuck it and chuck it” to no one in particular.
With spot number one being so obvious, QB was always going to be a race for second place, and at that spot there was a very tough decision between Bill Brasky and Uncle Rico. I went back and forth on this one, but ultimately had to go with Brasky, because sources tell me that Bill Brasky is actually a 10 foot tall beast man who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi.
Running Backs
RB1: King Tutankhamun – Liverpool Llamas
RB2: Buster Bawlls – Calgary Cavalry
RB3: Terry Yaki – Tokyo Drifters
One of the worst position groups for names in this draft class, RB was always a one horse race in which I had to go with the best of the worst. King Tutankhamun, while being the namesake of a long-dead Egyptian Pharaoh, ultimately got the nod for its creativity. King did get penalized for sounding out of position (anyone with a regal name obviously should be a quarterback, but I digress). Buster Bawlls got the #2 spot simply because I’m immature and it gave me a good chuckle. Terry Yaki made the cut solely based on the fact that he ended up being drafted by the Tokyo team in the Prospect Bowl.
Wide Receivers
WR1: Mark Callous – Brooklyn Altantics
WR2: Scott Mastro – Liverpool Llamas
WR3: Killian Chambers – Tiburon Landsharks
There unfortunately were not a whole lot of Wide Receivers to choose from, so I went with the names that rolled off the tongue the best. Scott Mastro would have been number one, but I wasn’t sure if was pronounced like maestro or like someone trying to say master but they don’t really understand English that well.
Tight Ends
TE1: Cleg Manclaw – Tiburon Landsharks
TE2: Cmon Skiuuup – Tokyo Drifters
Overall, the Tight End position group had the best names top to bottom. You could have picked a name from this group out of a hat and made just as good of a case for it to make the cut as the two that I settled on.
Cleb Manclaw got the nod based on the fact that I assume it’s the name that Rob Gronkowski would give to his Goliath Barbarian in Dungeons and Dragons. The name has everything you need. It rolls of the tongue. It only has three syllables. Best of all, he just sounds mean – like the kind of TE who’s going to pancake a safety on one play, and then outrun a linebacker for a 20 yard score on the next.
Cmon Skiuuup was VERY close to getting the number one spot due to the fact that Skip Bayless is a human toilet, and any time someone can make a reference to him that degrades him, I have to give them kudos.
The TE group was so good and deep, I have to name a few honorable mentions:
Gabr Spladle – Liverpool Llamas
Flap N’Chick – Amarillo Tumbleweeds
Dave Batista – Tiburon Landsharks
Offensive Line
OL1: Macho Weber – Brooklyn Atlantics
OL2: Hank Antilles – Calgary Cavalry
OL3: Medicinal Toblerone – Tokyo Drifters
With 18(!) players in this position group, I expected to be floored by the quality of names of the offensive linemen. Unfortunately, I ended up being slightly disappointed. There were a lot of fine names in this grouping, but there were very few that were worth of being name, “All-Name.”
The top two spots for OL are pretty interchangeable, but I decided to go with Macho Weber just because the name fits what you expect an offensive lineman to be like. He just sounds like your typical tough guy whose parents attempted to typecast him for life by giving him a very specific name, just like how parents that name their kid Rex established that they’re going to grow up to be a day trader on Wall Street with a cocaine problem.
Hank Antilles, however, conjures up images of a man in his mid 40’s with a beer gut that works at the local shipping yard, and is strong as a bull. On the weekends, Hank likes to go line dancing at the dive bar and occasionally throw punches at out of towners who wander in and ask the bartender for a mojito.
Defensive Line
DL1: Bonifacius van den Huevel – Brooklen Atlantics
DL2: Brick Van Sanzo – Tiburon Landsharks
DL3: Albert Ruschmann – Tokyo Drifters
DL2: Honky-Tonk Haywood – Liverpool Llamas
With a total of 27 prospects, the Defensive Line group (DE and DT) is the largest position group we have in this draft. Yes, DE and DT are technically two positions, but because I’m lazy they got lumped into one. This made cutting down the list into the All-Name Team that much more difficult, because there was a plethora of quality names to choose from.
Bonifacius van den Huevel took home the top spot because of its creativity and assumed historical relevance. Bonifacius could be a reference to Saint Boniface, the Patron Saint of Germania; the Roman General Bonifacius, who fought against the Visigoths in Gual and the Vandals in Africa; or St. Bonifacius, a small town in west-central Minnesota. Regardless, the name just carries with it a certain air of dignity, and is just plain good old fun to say.
Linebackers
LB1: Chad Thunder – Calgary Cavalry
LB2: Hank Winchester – Amarillo Tumbleweeds
LB3: Regius Goliathus – Calgary Cavalry
LB4: Gary Goodman – Amarillo Tumbleweeds
Linebacks represented the largest single position group in the entire prospect pool, and the collection of names within is full of quality. Names in this position group range from outlandish to classic, with many giving you the feeling of an old school linebacker trying to put the opposing quarterback into a body bag. There were so many good names to choose from, that picking just four was extremely tough.
The best name of the bunch, however, was Chad Thunder. It’s the kind of name that can either be a run stopping Linebacker who gives opposing WR’s concussions as they come across the middle; an 80’s action movie star; or a WWE superstar whose finishing move is called the Thunderclap, where he puts his opponent in the corner and then hits them with his ass.
I almost put Hank Winchester in the number one spot here because it sounded the most like a player from the 1930’s that has a day job during the week as the manager of a grocery store, but on the weekends likes to throw forearm shivers at running backs that dare to run up the gut.
Cornerbacks
CB1: Breezy Wallace – Liverpool Llamas
CB2: Dukburg QuakStak – Calgary Cavalry
CB3: Lugolor Gulogor – Brooklyn Atlantics
For one of the largest position groups, I expected Cornerbacks to have some of the better names. Unfortunately, I was a little let down by the effort put forth here. The best of the bunch was easily Breezy Wallace. Breezy is just the perfect name for a Cornerback who likes to play 15 yards off the line of scrimmage and then runs away from the ball carrier so he doesn’t have to attempt a tackle.
Dukburg Quakstak made the cut simply because I love Ducktales, and it takes place in Ducksburg, which is eerily similar to Dukburg.
Safeties
S1: Milk Mann – Amarillo Tumbleweeds
S2: D’Brickasawh Minshew Sr. – Brooklyn Atlantics
I know that a lot of you are probably going to question why NationalSimulation FootballLeague didn’t make the All-Name Team, and the answer is simple: he’s too popular and I wanted to be a hipster.
Milk Mann, however, sounds like the nickname they gave Karl Malone’s unathletic little brother so he could pretend that he did things that people cared about, too. The Milk Man always delivers…to…the store?
Special Teams:
K – Vince Hammerson – Tiburon Landsharks
The final category of players, Kickers, was surprisingly competitive for a best name. With a player pool of only six, Kickers had some of the highest quality volume of names. In the end it came down to Lucky Dickerson or Vince Hammerson, two incredible names for kickers. Ultimately, Hammerson got the nod as his name is literally a walking nickname on the level of Legatron or Golden Toe. Look for Vince “The Hammer” Hammerson to light it up this year in the DSFL.
This draft class is one of the larger ones we’ve had in recent memory, which gives us a very healthy number of players to pick from. And let me tell you – these players’ parents did not disappoint with the names they branded their children with.
Ranking Criteria
#1 – How well does the name fit the player’s position or persona?
#2 – How creative is the player’s name?
#3 – How much money did said player pay me to be included on this list?
#4 – How much did the player’s name make me laugh?
#5 – How much do I like the player on a personal level?
Quarterbacks
QB1: Jackie Daytona – Tokyo Drifters
QB2: Bill Brasky – Amarillo Tumbleweeds
For what turned out to be a relatively small player pool, Quarterbacks still delivered some solid name choices. The best of the bunch is easily Jackie Daytona. His name immediately conjures up images of a Jim McMahon-esque player with a mullet, standing on the sidelines smoking a cigarette in between series, who then overthrows his receiver by 25 yards and yells, “fuck it and chuck it” to no one in particular.
With spot number one being so obvious, QB was always going to be a race for second place, and at that spot there was a very tough decision between Bill Brasky and Uncle Rico. I went back and forth on this one, but ultimately had to go with Brasky, because sources tell me that Bill Brasky is actually a 10 foot tall beast man who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi.
Running Backs
RB1: King Tutankhamun – Liverpool Llamas
RB2: Buster Bawlls – Calgary Cavalry
RB3: Terry Yaki – Tokyo Drifters
One of the worst position groups for names in this draft class, RB was always a one horse race in which I had to go with the best of the worst. King Tutankhamun, while being the namesake of a long-dead Egyptian Pharaoh, ultimately got the nod for its creativity. King did get penalized for sounding out of position (anyone with a regal name obviously should be a quarterback, but I digress). Buster Bawlls got the #2 spot simply because I’m immature and it gave me a good chuckle. Terry Yaki made the cut solely based on the fact that he ended up being drafted by the Tokyo team in the Prospect Bowl.
Wide Receivers
WR1: Mark Callous – Brooklyn Altantics
WR2: Scott Mastro – Liverpool Llamas
WR3: Killian Chambers – Tiburon Landsharks
There unfortunately were not a whole lot of Wide Receivers to choose from, so I went with the names that rolled off the tongue the best. Scott Mastro would have been number one, but I wasn’t sure if was pronounced like maestro or like someone trying to say master but they don’t really understand English that well.
Tight Ends
TE1: Cleg Manclaw – Tiburon Landsharks
TE2: Cmon Skiuuup – Tokyo Drifters
Overall, the Tight End position group had the best names top to bottom. You could have picked a name from this group out of a hat and made just as good of a case for it to make the cut as the two that I settled on.
Cleb Manclaw got the nod based on the fact that I assume it’s the name that Rob Gronkowski would give to his Goliath Barbarian in Dungeons and Dragons. The name has everything you need. It rolls of the tongue. It only has three syllables. Best of all, he just sounds mean – like the kind of TE who’s going to pancake a safety on one play, and then outrun a linebacker for a 20 yard score on the next.
Cmon Skiuuup was VERY close to getting the number one spot due to the fact that Skip Bayless is a human toilet, and any time someone can make a reference to him that degrades him, I have to give them kudos.
The TE group was so good and deep, I have to name a few honorable mentions:
Gabr Spladle – Liverpool Llamas
Flap N’Chick – Amarillo Tumbleweeds
Dave Batista – Tiburon Landsharks
Offensive Line
OL1: Macho Weber – Brooklyn Atlantics
OL2: Hank Antilles – Calgary Cavalry
OL3: Medicinal Toblerone – Tokyo Drifters
With 18(!) players in this position group, I expected to be floored by the quality of names of the offensive linemen. Unfortunately, I ended up being slightly disappointed. There were a lot of fine names in this grouping, but there were very few that were worth of being name, “All-Name.”
The top two spots for OL are pretty interchangeable, but I decided to go with Macho Weber just because the name fits what you expect an offensive lineman to be like. He just sounds like your typical tough guy whose parents attempted to typecast him for life by giving him a very specific name, just like how parents that name their kid Rex established that they’re going to grow up to be a day trader on Wall Street with a cocaine problem.
Hank Antilles, however, conjures up images of a man in his mid 40’s with a beer gut that works at the local shipping yard, and is strong as a bull. On the weekends, Hank likes to go line dancing at the dive bar and occasionally throw punches at out of towners who wander in and ask the bartender for a mojito.
Defensive Line
DL1: Bonifacius van den Huevel – Brooklen Atlantics
DL2: Brick Van Sanzo – Tiburon Landsharks
DL3: Albert Ruschmann – Tokyo Drifters
DL2: Honky-Tonk Haywood – Liverpool Llamas
With a total of 27 prospects, the Defensive Line group (DE and DT) is the largest position group we have in this draft. Yes, DE and DT are technically two positions, but because I’m lazy they got lumped into one. This made cutting down the list into the All-Name Team that much more difficult, because there was a plethora of quality names to choose from.
Bonifacius van den Huevel took home the top spot because of its creativity and assumed historical relevance. Bonifacius could be a reference to Saint Boniface, the Patron Saint of Germania; the Roman General Bonifacius, who fought against the Visigoths in Gual and the Vandals in Africa; or St. Bonifacius, a small town in west-central Minnesota. Regardless, the name just carries with it a certain air of dignity, and is just plain good old fun to say.
Linebackers
LB1: Chad Thunder – Calgary Cavalry
LB2: Hank Winchester – Amarillo Tumbleweeds
LB3: Regius Goliathus – Calgary Cavalry
LB4: Gary Goodman – Amarillo Tumbleweeds
Linebacks represented the largest single position group in the entire prospect pool, and the collection of names within is full of quality. Names in this position group range from outlandish to classic, with many giving you the feeling of an old school linebacker trying to put the opposing quarterback into a body bag. There were so many good names to choose from, that picking just four was extremely tough.
The best name of the bunch, however, was Chad Thunder. It’s the kind of name that can either be a run stopping Linebacker who gives opposing WR’s concussions as they come across the middle; an 80’s action movie star; or a WWE superstar whose finishing move is called the Thunderclap, where he puts his opponent in the corner and then hits them with his ass.
I almost put Hank Winchester in the number one spot here because it sounded the most like a player from the 1930’s that has a day job during the week as the manager of a grocery store, but on the weekends likes to throw forearm shivers at running backs that dare to run up the gut.
Cornerbacks
CB1: Breezy Wallace – Liverpool Llamas
CB2: Dukburg QuakStak – Calgary Cavalry
CB3: Lugolor Gulogor – Brooklyn Atlantics
For one of the largest position groups, I expected Cornerbacks to have some of the better names. Unfortunately, I was a little let down by the effort put forth here. The best of the bunch was easily Breezy Wallace. Breezy is just the perfect name for a Cornerback who likes to play 15 yards off the line of scrimmage and then runs away from the ball carrier so he doesn’t have to attempt a tackle.
Dukburg Quakstak made the cut simply because I love Ducktales, and it takes place in Ducksburg, which is eerily similar to Dukburg.
Safeties
S1: Milk Mann – Amarillo Tumbleweeds
S2: D’Brickasawh Minshew Sr. – Brooklyn Atlantics
I know that a lot of you are probably going to question why NationalSimulation FootballLeague didn’t make the All-Name Team, and the answer is simple: he’s too popular and I wanted to be a hipster.
Milk Mann, however, sounds like the nickname they gave Karl Malone’s unathletic little brother so he could pretend that he did things that people cared about, too. The Milk Man always delivers…to…the store?
Special Teams:
K – Vince Hammerson – Tiburon Landsharks
The final category of players, Kickers, was surprisingly competitive for a best name. With a player pool of only six, Kickers had some of the highest quality volume of names. In the end it came down to Lucky Dickerson or Vince Hammerson, two incredible names for kickers. Ultimately, Hammerson got the nod as his name is literally a walking nickname on the level of Legatron or Golden Toe. Look for Vince “The Hammer” Hammerson to light it up this year in the DSFL.