Chuck Roth, or “big boy chuckie” as some call him (aka him talking about himself in third person), does not have a particularly interesting backstory. He does not hail form the smallest town in America like some dot football superstars, nor is he from a big city or anywhere particularly interesting. He is from Round Rock, Texas. Which is a stupid name because the rocks there are all normal rock shaped (rocks are somewhat round however, so maybe they had a point). The most interesting thing about Round Rock is that is in two counties at once, it is primarily in Williamson County, Texas, and has some parts that are actually in Travis County, Texas. Williamson county is in Texas’ 31st congressional district, while Travis county is a bit gerrymandered and is in the 10th, 17th, 21st, 25th, and 35th congressional district. This confuses Chuck, as his goal in life after he retires is to become a congressman, but he’s not sure which congressional district to run in as there’s so many close to him hometown of Round Rock, Texas, USA. He was inspired by Eagles offensive lineman Jon Runyan, who briefly was a congressman after his football career ended.
Anyways. Round Rock is a suburb of Austin, Texas, USA. It is about half an hour north, longer if you’re a loser who follows the speed limits. In 2008 it was named as the 7th best small city to live in, which would be great except it’s like 2040 in the ISFL so that was a long time ago. Dell Technologies, of making mediocre to bad computer fame, is headquartered here, which is what brought the Roth Family to the area. Round Rock is also home to the FC Barcelona USA training center, and little Chuck grew up dreaming of playing winger for Barcelona, just like his hero Martin Braithwaite had done so many years ago. The problem with this is that Chuck is a big Texan boy who really liked BBQ food, and Austin is the BBQ mecca of the south. He quickly grew too big to play soccer and was actually kicked off his youth travel team for accidentally hurting the smaller kids in practice when they tried to tackle him.
Football saved Chuck, however. Chuck, being the clout chasing young Texan that he was, realized that football, not futbol, would be his path to fame and glory. He tried out for the Stoney Point High School football team, as this was the high school he was suck going to, as his parents did not research school districts enough when they moved to the area. Through a love of BBQ and a toleration of lifting weights, chuck bulked up enough to play offensive line. He started on varsity as a freshman, mostly because he was just over six feet tall and nearing 220 pounds as a freshman. He continued to grow both as a player and as a boy (into a man) throughout high school, and eventually was named as a first team all-state player in the state of Texas. This growth did not come easily, however. His parents were loving and supporting of him throughout the entire process, but it was hard work. Instead of taking the bus to school, he would run to school to get his cardio in. On days he did not have football practice, he would stay late at the gym and lift weights until he was too sore to keep going. On top of all his physical training to make it to the next level, he also trained his brain. He worked somewhat hard in school and got pretty good grades. He was no Lorenzo “Torch” Smith II, but he still was an honor role student and participated in extracurricular activities such as the national honor society and the math team, although he’d call the math team a bunch of nerds whenever he was asked about it. Outside of all this, Chuck was a pretty decent guy, too. Whenever someone in his neighborhood needed help around the house, he would do it for the very reasonable price of $5 per hour, much below the going rate of a big strong handyman type household helper.
His outstanding performance on the field and pretty solid performance in the classroom had plenty of schools interested in young Chuck. As a Texas all state player, The university of Texas at Austin pretty much had to offer him. The problem with this is that Texas still is not back, so Chuck wanted to look elsewhere. Texas fans bombarded Chuck’s twitter when he didn’t commit to his hometown school, but Chuck knew that he had far higher aspirations than to go 7-4 and act like a terrible bowl game win meant something. No Belk Bowl for Chuckie. He also perused the other good in-state football programs, however he knew that Texas A&M was not a good fit for him, as the antics of Johnny Manziel still were praised in College Station, and Chuck wanted to go to a school that had a more positive history and was not in the middle of nowhere. He also Considered Baylor and Texas Christian, but like all talented players from Texas, Chuck was too good for them. Also, Waco is a bad place to live apparently, so a hard pass from Chuck. With every relevant Big 12 school crossed off his list, Chuck then decided to explore what the highly regarded SEC had to offer in terms of schools. Chuck went to Gainesville, Florida to see what it was like to become a gator but was sad to find out that “becoming a gator” was just a recruiting slogan and not actually the path to becoming an underrated spiderman villain. This deception was too much for Chuck, who decided never to go to the state of Florida again, much less even consider playing for Florida. Chuck next toured Alabama, who were still being coached by Nick Saban, even though he was well over 100. On Chuck’s tour, he was with some Safety from Wyoming who kept trying to coach the players they watched in practice and generally was very annoying. Oh, and he kept saying how he needed to get his friend Dylan a scholarship there too. Chuck Was strongly considering Alabama but when he saw that the Safety got an offer from zombie Nick Saban, Chuck immediately withdrew his interest from the Crimson Tide. It was during this time that Chuck realized that he needed to escape from Texas and the South and all the toxic masculinity that giant football programs build. Additionally, he did not want to go to too good of a football program, because his draft stock would be too high and he might get drafted by the packers, who suck in 2040.
Chuck began to wonder just how far his football talents could take him from Texas. He started doing research and decided that he wanted to play at an Ivy League school. He wasn’t Harvard nor Yale smart, but Princeton was in New Jersey and Cornell is barely an Ivy, so Chuck eventually narrowed his recruiting down to Columbia, Penn, and Dartmouth. Philly and New York sports fans scared him, so he decided against even touring Penn and Columbia, as he did not want batteries throw at him, or to get yelled at by a random cabbie for daring to exist. So as a result of this, Chuck Chose to go to Dartmouth, probably the most obscure Ivy league school. Chuck hoped that his natural talent and innate ability would still allow him to become a pro football player, despite playing in the FCS and not at a true division 1 school like so many other top prospects. Academics came first however, and Chuck needed to make sure that he would be able to get a degree that allowed him to continue his dreams of being a politician. “Who else gets paid to lie? Well I guess weathermen, but that job is boring” was Chuck’s reasoning on his dream career.
When Chuck Arrived in Hannover, New Hampshire, for the start of his freshman year at Dartmouth, he was shocked at how different things were. Chuck was used to hot Texas summers and still pretty hot Texas winters, but September in New Hampshire was freezing! Chuck had to take an uber (since it was too cold for him to run) to the nearest shopping mall to purchase warmer clothes, as all chuck owned was cut off t-shirts and gym shorts that didn’t go below his knee (gotta show off them quads). The Dartmouth campus had so many things to offer, and Chuck especially loved being a student in the Rockefeller Institute for Public Policy. Dartmouth operates on the quarter system, like a high school, which made the transition easier for Chuck. He especially liked studying in the Tower Room in the Banker Memorial Library. Chuck hopes one day he can see it renamed to the Roth Memorial Library (Chuck does not know that to have a memorial named after you, you have to be dead. Please do not ruin it for him). While academics are fun and all that, it was here that Chuck discovered a true love for football. Playing for the Green was one of Chuck’s proudest accomplishments, and hearing the roar of the 17 fans that go to the football games at Memorial Stadium turned Chuck from an athlete playing football to make money into a football player with a love of the game.
Chuck’s freshman year, he did not play much, as college football is much faster paced and more physical than high school football. He played sparingly as an extra lineman on goal line plays, and sometimes in special teams formations when other players got tired. Chuck’s sophomore year was much better, as he finally locked down a guard spot on the offensive line. He played every game for the green and formed a great bond with his offensive line teammates, and the entire roster as a whole. About halfway through the season it gets real sad and the starting right tackle dislocates both his arms doing a routine keg flip, and Chuck has to step in at right tackle for the rest of the season. The star quarterback tries to reenact the keg flip and also dislocates both his arms, and ends up having to transfer to Greendale community college after he is replaced. Having lost two starters including the QB, Dartmouth has a real down season and only manages 4 wins, one of which coming after the other team got confused and sent their soccer team to play. Chuck had some goring pains at right tackle, as he had only ever player right guard and left tackle before. It turns out when you switch sides on the line, everything is backwards. Luckily Chuck was an Ivy League student and managed to figure this out and actually had a pretty ok season despite the team being terrible. Chuck’s junior season was much better. Having proved himself as a competent right tackle, he was actually given the left tackle job, as the previous left tackle had dropped out to pursue a career in yodeling. Chuck was spectacular here and actually managed to be first team all-conference and led Dartmouth to a 7-4 record. Chuck was voted as a team captain this season, which he felt was very deserved as he had basically been functioning as the team captain during the last season when the actual team captain had gotten too busy to do his job because of “schoolwork” and “clubs” and a “social life” which was unacceptable to Chuck. Chuck took all this in stride, and was an emotional leader for the Green on and off the field.
Chuck received some draft interest after his junior year, with some people saying he would be as high as a 5th round pick. Chuck was unsure about going pro, as he wanted to finish his degree. He kept procrastinating and procrastinating on making a decision until the last day he had to declare for the draft. He decided to go on a hike the morning he had to make this critical decision. He hiked and he hiked and he hiked while he thought over his options. However he was too deep in thought to really keep track of where he was going. He was lost. And had no cell service. He could not announce a decision. He actually was lost in the woods for a couple days, which kinda sucked for him because he was hungry, but he eventually wandered onto a highway and hitch hiked his way back to Dartmouth’s campus. He then held an impromptu press conference announcing why he did not make a decision. Overcome with embarrassment about being lost in the woods, Chuck claimed to have gone on a vision quest, inspired but Blue Mountain State legend Thad Castle. No one really cared about this press conference though, as most assumed that Chuck would be staying in college for his senior season anyways. This hurt Chuck’s feelings a little but he soldiered on and started preparing for his senior year.
Chuck was voted team captain again, one of the few two time captains in team history. To celebrate, he took the team on a “vision qWest” which was different from a “vision quest” and actually was just making everyone else on his team figure out the best strategy for Dartmouth to run in the upcoming games. This plan worked to perfection, as Dartmouth finished the season 10-1, winning both the ivy league title and an obscure bowl game that no one cares about and Chuck never bothered to learn the name of. Some highlights of the season were Chuck getting 11 pancakes in a single game, Chuck forgetting his helmet and having to squeeze into his backup’s helmet that was one size too small, and being named a second team all-American offensive lineman. In that order of course, being all-American is overrated, and life is about the friends we make along the way, not about the awards we receive while making them.
With Chuck’s four years of college athletics eligibility used up and with Chuck having fulfilled his dream of getting a political science degree (the easiest of degrees), there was no procrastinating left to do. Chuck started preparing for the draft in earnest. He works harder than he ever had before to prepare, doing things like practicing how to respond to really stupid questions and taking dumb knockoff IQ tests that have very little correlation with actually being smart. Physically, Chuck practiced his combine drills every day. Stuff like the Bench press was easy for him, but he had been practicing for the throwing drills for two weeks before he realized that not every player at the combine has to do them. Chuck liked throwing, anyways.
That is the story of the formative years of Chuck Roth, dot football superstar.
Anyways. Round Rock is a suburb of Austin, Texas, USA. It is about half an hour north, longer if you’re a loser who follows the speed limits. In 2008 it was named as the 7th best small city to live in, which would be great except it’s like 2040 in the ISFL so that was a long time ago. Dell Technologies, of making mediocre to bad computer fame, is headquartered here, which is what brought the Roth Family to the area. Round Rock is also home to the FC Barcelona USA training center, and little Chuck grew up dreaming of playing winger for Barcelona, just like his hero Martin Braithwaite had done so many years ago. The problem with this is that Chuck is a big Texan boy who really liked BBQ food, and Austin is the BBQ mecca of the south. He quickly grew too big to play soccer and was actually kicked off his youth travel team for accidentally hurting the smaller kids in practice when they tried to tackle him.
Football saved Chuck, however. Chuck, being the clout chasing young Texan that he was, realized that football, not futbol, would be his path to fame and glory. He tried out for the Stoney Point High School football team, as this was the high school he was suck going to, as his parents did not research school districts enough when they moved to the area. Through a love of BBQ and a toleration of lifting weights, chuck bulked up enough to play offensive line. He started on varsity as a freshman, mostly because he was just over six feet tall and nearing 220 pounds as a freshman. He continued to grow both as a player and as a boy (into a man) throughout high school, and eventually was named as a first team all-state player in the state of Texas. This growth did not come easily, however. His parents were loving and supporting of him throughout the entire process, but it was hard work. Instead of taking the bus to school, he would run to school to get his cardio in. On days he did not have football practice, he would stay late at the gym and lift weights until he was too sore to keep going. On top of all his physical training to make it to the next level, he also trained his brain. He worked somewhat hard in school and got pretty good grades. He was no Lorenzo “Torch” Smith II, but he still was an honor role student and participated in extracurricular activities such as the national honor society and the math team, although he’d call the math team a bunch of nerds whenever he was asked about it. Outside of all this, Chuck was a pretty decent guy, too. Whenever someone in his neighborhood needed help around the house, he would do it for the very reasonable price of $5 per hour, much below the going rate of a big strong handyman type household helper.
His outstanding performance on the field and pretty solid performance in the classroom had plenty of schools interested in young Chuck. As a Texas all state player, The university of Texas at Austin pretty much had to offer him. The problem with this is that Texas still is not back, so Chuck wanted to look elsewhere. Texas fans bombarded Chuck’s twitter when he didn’t commit to his hometown school, but Chuck knew that he had far higher aspirations than to go 7-4 and act like a terrible bowl game win meant something. No Belk Bowl for Chuckie. He also perused the other good in-state football programs, however he knew that Texas A&M was not a good fit for him, as the antics of Johnny Manziel still were praised in College Station, and Chuck wanted to go to a school that had a more positive history and was not in the middle of nowhere. He also Considered Baylor and Texas Christian, but like all talented players from Texas, Chuck was too good for them. Also, Waco is a bad place to live apparently, so a hard pass from Chuck. With every relevant Big 12 school crossed off his list, Chuck then decided to explore what the highly regarded SEC had to offer in terms of schools. Chuck went to Gainesville, Florida to see what it was like to become a gator but was sad to find out that “becoming a gator” was just a recruiting slogan and not actually the path to becoming an underrated spiderman villain. This deception was too much for Chuck, who decided never to go to the state of Florida again, much less even consider playing for Florida. Chuck next toured Alabama, who were still being coached by Nick Saban, even though he was well over 100. On Chuck’s tour, he was with some Safety from Wyoming who kept trying to coach the players they watched in practice and generally was very annoying. Oh, and he kept saying how he needed to get his friend Dylan a scholarship there too. Chuck Was strongly considering Alabama but when he saw that the Safety got an offer from zombie Nick Saban, Chuck immediately withdrew his interest from the Crimson Tide. It was during this time that Chuck realized that he needed to escape from Texas and the South and all the toxic masculinity that giant football programs build. Additionally, he did not want to go to too good of a football program, because his draft stock would be too high and he might get drafted by the packers, who suck in 2040.
Chuck began to wonder just how far his football talents could take him from Texas. He started doing research and decided that he wanted to play at an Ivy League school. He wasn’t Harvard nor Yale smart, but Princeton was in New Jersey and Cornell is barely an Ivy, so Chuck eventually narrowed his recruiting down to Columbia, Penn, and Dartmouth. Philly and New York sports fans scared him, so he decided against even touring Penn and Columbia, as he did not want batteries throw at him, or to get yelled at by a random cabbie for daring to exist. So as a result of this, Chuck Chose to go to Dartmouth, probably the most obscure Ivy league school. Chuck hoped that his natural talent and innate ability would still allow him to become a pro football player, despite playing in the FCS and not at a true division 1 school like so many other top prospects. Academics came first however, and Chuck needed to make sure that he would be able to get a degree that allowed him to continue his dreams of being a politician. “Who else gets paid to lie? Well I guess weathermen, but that job is boring” was Chuck’s reasoning on his dream career.
When Chuck Arrived in Hannover, New Hampshire, for the start of his freshman year at Dartmouth, he was shocked at how different things were. Chuck was used to hot Texas summers and still pretty hot Texas winters, but September in New Hampshire was freezing! Chuck had to take an uber (since it was too cold for him to run) to the nearest shopping mall to purchase warmer clothes, as all chuck owned was cut off t-shirts and gym shorts that didn’t go below his knee (gotta show off them quads). The Dartmouth campus had so many things to offer, and Chuck especially loved being a student in the Rockefeller Institute for Public Policy. Dartmouth operates on the quarter system, like a high school, which made the transition easier for Chuck. He especially liked studying in the Tower Room in the Banker Memorial Library. Chuck hopes one day he can see it renamed to the Roth Memorial Library (Chuck does not know that to have a memorial named after you, you have to be dead. Please do not ruin it for him). While academics are fun and all that, it was here that Chuck discovered a true love for football. Playing for the Green was one of Chuck’s proudest accomplishments, and hearing the roar of the 17 fans that go to the football games at Memorial Stadium turned Chuck from an athlete playing football to make money into a football player with a love of the game.
Chuck’s freshman year, he did not play much, as college football is much faster paced and more physical than high school football. He played sparingly as an extra lineman on goal line plays, and sometimes in special teams formations when other players got tired. Chuck’s sophomore year was much better, as he finally locked down a guard spot on the offensive line. He played every game for the green and formed a great bond with his offensive line teammates, and the entire roster as a whole. About halfway through the season it gets real sad and the starting right tackle dislocates both his arms doing a routine keg flip, and Chuck has to step in at right tackle for the rest of the season. The star quarterback tries to reenact the keg flip and also dislocates both his arms, and ends up having to transfer to Greendale community college after he is replaced. Having lost two starters including the QB, Dartmouth has a real down season and only manages 4 wins, one of which coming after the other team got confused and sent their soccer team to play. Chuck had some goring pains at right tackle, as he had only ever player right guard and left tackle before. It turns out when you switch sides on the line, everything is backwards. Luckily Chuck was an Ivy League student and managed to figure this out and actually had a pretty ok season despite the team being terrible. Chuck’s junior season was much better. Having proved himself as a competent right tackle, he was actually given the left tackle job, as the previous left tackle had dropped out to pursue a career in yodeling. Chuck was spectacular here and actually managed to be first team all-conference and led Dartmouth to a 7-4 record. Chuck was voted as a team captain this season, which he felt was very deserved as he had basically been functioning as the team captain during the last season when the actual team captain had gotten too busy to do his job because of “schoolwork” and “clubs” and a “social life” which was unacceptable to Chuck. Chuck took all this in stride, and was an emotional leader for the Green on and off the field.
Chuck received some draft interest after his junior year, with some people saying he would be as high as a 5th round pick. Chuck was unsure about going pro, as he wanted to finish his degree. He kept procrastinating and procrastinating on making a decision until the last day he had to declare for the draft. He decided to go on a hike the morning he had to make this critical decision. He hiked and he hiked and he hiked while he thought over his options. However he was too deep in thought to really keep track of where he was going. He was lost. And had no cell service. He could not announce a decision. He actually was lost in the woods for a couple days, which kinda sucked for him because he was hungry, but he eventually wandered onto a highway and hitch hiked his way back to Dartmouth’s campus. He then held an impromptu press conference announcing why he did not make a decision. Overcome with embarrassment about being lost in the woods, Chuck claimed to have gone on a vision quest, inspired but Blue Mountain State legend Thad Castle. No one really cared about this press conference though, as most assumed that Chuck would be staying in college for his senior season anyways. This hurt Chuck’s feelings a little but he soldiered on and started preparing for his senior year.
Chuck was voted team captain again, one of the few two time captains in team history. To celebrate, he took the team on a “vision qWest” which was different from a “vision quest” and actually was just making everyone else on his team figure out the best strategy for Dartmouth to run in the upcoming games. This plan worked to perfection, as Dartmouth finished the season 10-1, winning both the ivy league title and an obscure bowl game that no one cares about and Chuck never bothered to learn the name of. Some highlights of the season were Chuck getting 11 pancakes in a single game, Chuck forgetting his helmet and having to squeeze into his backup’s helmet that was one size too small, and being named a second team all-American offensive lineman. In that order of course, being all-American is overrated, and life is about the friends we make along the way, not about the awards we receive while making them.
With Chuck’s four years of college athletics eligibility used up and with Chuck having fulfilled his dream of getting a political science degree (the easiest of degrees), there was no procrastinating left to do. Chuck started preparing for the draft in earnest. He works harder than he ever had before to prepare, doing things like practicing how to respond to really stupid questions and taking dumb knockoff IQ tests that have very little correlation with actually being smart. Physically, Chuck practiced his combine drills every day. Stuff like the Bench press was easy for him, but he had been practicing for the throwing drills for two weeks before he realized that not every player at the combine has to do them. Chuck liked throwing, anyways.
That is the story of the formative years of Chuck Roth, dot football superstar.
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