Welcome back to the series, this week I will be ranking teams based on their best performing DE in week 4 (if only 1 DE was listed in the TPE tracker that is who I picked)!
Then I will as always give them tongue in cheek awards!
Get ready for the closest most biased article so far in the series!
Really I have no idea how I'm going to make some of these decisions so game situations may actually have to come into play more for this one. Neat!
I will be ranking them as follows FF/FR > Sacks > Tackles for loss > Tackles. I consider like a two to one ratio on tackles vs tackles for loss so if someone shows up hard with tackles I'll use my best judgement so forgive me if its fucky. This is hard so I'm going turnovers, then smash the QB, cause loss of yards and finally smash all the others.
Defensive Ends
Then I will as always give them tongue in cheek awards!
Get ready for the closest most biased article so far in the series!
Really I have no idea how I'm going to make some of these decisions so game situations may actually have to come into play more for this one. Neat!
I will be ranking them as follows FF/FR > Sacks > Tackles for loss > Tackles. I consider like a two to one ratio on tackles vs tackles for loss so if someone shows up hard with tackles I'll use my best judgement so forgive me if its fucky. This is hard so I'm going turnovers, then smash the QB, cause loss of yards and finally smash all the others.
Defensive Ends
- Rapid Eagle - 3 Tackles, 0 Tackles for loss, 1 Sack, 1 Forced Fumble
First of all I need to mention that the reason Rapid Eagle is in first even though their numbers are tied with Von Hayes below, this is after all a team rankings sheet (really I swear), and since the Orange County Otters won their matchup against the Copperheads I had to give Eagle the edge here. Having come out for 3 tackles, a sack and a turnover I would have to consider them as having the most impact out of players on this list.
The sack lost the opposing team 10 yards on a fourth down causing a turnover on downs in the second quarter which then resulted in points for the Otters, helping them eventually seal a 35 - 17 Victory. Eagle was able to force a fumble as well but the Otters were unable to recover.
I bestow upon thee the "Bringer of pain" Award!
- Von Hayes - 3 Tackles, 0 Tackles for loss, 1 Sack, 1 Forced Fumble
Hayes comes in second here solely based on the fact that the Butchers were unable to come away with a victory over the Sailfish, Only losing by 3 points hurts especially when you play your heart out like Hayes did. Hayes forced the fumble in the Third quarter and unlike Eagle above the fumble was actually recovered by the Butchers, unfortunately the Butchers were unable to turn it into any points, punting several plays later.
Hayes was then able to get a sack late into the fourth quarter causing the Sailfish to lose 6 yards, unfortunately this did not end their drive and they were able to score.
The Butchers lost the game 24 - 27, despite Hayes heroic efforts.
I award you with the "Martyrdom" Award!
- Mario VonPebbles - 1 Tackle, 0 Tackles for loss, 0 Sacks, 1 Forced Fumble
VonPebbles is here because I decided on a ranking system that is inherently flawed. The reality is that VonPebbles forced a fumble with 1 minute left in the fourth quarter in a game that the FireSalamanders lost by 18 points.
Don't get me wrong it caused them to get to a touchdown moments later and that is a wonderful thing, but I feel like giving them third on this list is a little unfair. The truth is that ranking players based on their stats can never truly reflect the impact a player made on the game but we have to come up with some kind of ranking system that will allow us to rank these players without covering the walls of my apartment with string and pictures and staying up until 4:00am mutter to myself about Pepe Silvia.
Either way VonPebbles got their team a score and for that they should wear this rank with Pride knowing that they made a difference even if they didn't get the W.
The FireSalamanders lost 20 - 38 to the Philadelphia Liberty.
I grant you the "Quitting isn't in my vocabulary" Award!
- Nero Alexander - 3 Tackles, 0 Tackles for loss, 2 Sacks
Coming in fourth is Nero Alexander. Alexander was able to grab a couple of sacks in the Wraiths 22 - 14 Victory over the Colorado Yeti.
Alexanders first sack came later in the second Quarter causing the Yeti to lose 11 yards. Their second sack came in the fourth quarter on a 3rd and 9, losing the yeti 7 yards and causing them to punt. Forcing a couple of punts is always great because it gives your team the ball back and yet another change to score. And in a game that was won by only 8 points, could have absolutely swung the other way without these sacks.
I award you the "Sack Daddy of the Week" Award!
- Steco Ocewilder - 5 Tackles, 2 Tackles for loss, 1 Sack
In fifth place is our own Steco Ocewilder, whos shoes I will have to try to fill someday. With numbers like these I hope I can live up to them.
Ocewilder did their best in a game where we got for lack of a better term, Totally Destroyed. We lost to the New Orleans Second line 6 - 27.
Ocewilder was able to rack up 5 tackles, including 2 losses and a fourth quarter sack that caused the Second line to lose 10 yards and eventually punt.
I give you the "Did you ever know that you're my hero?" Award!
- Slinky Claxton - 3 Tackles, 2 Tackles for loss, 1 Sack
In Sixth place we have a name that made me gut laugh as I was reading it out loud. Slinky Claton was able to record 3 tackles and a sack in a 17 - 35 loss to the Orange County Otters.
Claxtons sack came in the Fouth Quarter and resulted in an 11 yard loss for the otters, eventually causing them to punt 2 a couple of plays later. Unfortunately the Copperheads weren't able to capitalize on their next possession and eventually lost the game.
I award you with the "Das good shit" Award!
- Azarius Ranger - 3 Tackles, 1 Tackles for loss, 1 Sack
Coming in 7th is Azarius ranger, who was able to secure 3 tackles and a sack in a huge 27 - 6 win over the New York SilverBacks.
Helping contribute to making the Silverbacks offense struggle to score, Rangers sack came in the first quarter causing us to lose 11 yards and punt the ball back to Second line so they could start dismantling us with a touchdown a few plays later.
I award you with the "You did good but I don't like you" Award! (just kidding I still like you)
- Asher Montain - 4 Tackles, 0 Tackles for loss, 1 Sack
In eighth place is someone whose last name I have been pronouncing incorrectly as Mountain everytime I see them, its Asher Montain!
Montain was able to grab 4 tackles and a sack in a 17 - 27 loss to the Baltimore Hawks.
Montains sack came in the first quarter and helped contribute to a Hawks punt a couple of plays later. Montain did their best to help turn the tides for the falling Hahalua but one person can only do so much.
I award you with the "I'm still probably gonna call you mountain" Award!
- Sam Roes - 8 Tackles, 0 Tackles for loss, 0 Sacks
Coming in ninth and nearly recording as many tackles is Sam Roes of the Philadelphia liberty, Roes was able to make the FireSalamanders offenses night a living hell by constantly being there to make a tackle. It was hard not to put them higher on the list due to the ridiculous number of tackles but unfortunately I had to make a ranking decision somewhere. The Liberty won 38 - 20
I award you with the "Better stock up on batteries" Award!
- Etrigan T. Slayer - 5 Tackles, 1 Tackle for loss, 0 Sacks
Coming in 10th, Slayer was able to put up some great numbers as well. The Hawks were able to gain a win over the Hahalua 27 - 17.
Slayers tackles surely helped contribute to the 10 point victory.
I award you with the "South of heaven" Award!
- Son Goku - 4 Tackles, 1 Tackle for loss, 0 Sacks
Coming in 11th is Son Goku, who has a sweet fucking name. Getting 4 tackles including 1 for a loss in a tight victory over the Chicago butchers, surely their tackles helped to secure this squeezed out win.
I award you with the "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Award!
- Albert Ruschmann - 4 Tackles, 0 Tackles for loss, 0 Sacks
Coming in 12th place is Ruschmann who got 4 tackles in an 8 point loss to the Yellowknife Wraiths.
The Yeti lost 14 - 22.
I award you the "Well that was an uneventful write up" Award!
- Logan Noble Jr - 3 Tackles, 0 Tackles for loss, 0 Sacks
Coming in 13th is Noble Jr, who contributed 3 tackles to the Arizona Outlaws 38 - 16 Victory over the San Jose SaberCats.
I award you with the "You might be second to last, but you won!" Award!
- Raylan Crowder - 1 Tackle, 0 Tackles for loss, 0 Sacks
Finally in last place is Raylan Crowder, who was only able to pickup a tackle in a sizeable loss to the Arizona Outlaws.
The Sabercats lost 16 - 38.
I award you with the "Oof, Ouch, Owie" Award!