11-03-2021, 10:25 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-10-2021, 07:02 PM by allbetsonjames. Edited 1 time in total.)
We've received word from an insider source that the ISFL Head Office has apparently released a new code of conduct today. All general managers, coaches, and players are expecting to receive mail with the full details of this new mandate, and are expected to sign and return the compliance form by the end of the upcoming weekend.
Due to various circumstances, we have had difficulty acquiring the full details of the new code of conduct, however we were able to obtain a few leaked snippets to share with our readers:
1. All personnel are required to wear ISFL-branded attire at all times while performing ISFL-related tasks and responsibilities. This includes undergarments and random, periodic, potentially invasive inspections will be performed, sometimes mid-game, to ensure that this policy is abided by. The first violation will incur a fine equal to 50% of your salary that year. The second violation will incur a ban for the rest of the season. The third violation will incur a lifetime ban from the league.
2. All personnel are required to remain vigilant and take action against any and all witnessed incidents of discrimination. As a league, we believe in family values, and will therefore be the leader and champion of these values. Our viewership data reveals that many impressionable children watch our product, a product of extreme violence that all but guarantees extensive neurological/physiological trauma in its players, therefore it is our responsibility to ensure that they are not led astray from what we believe is right. All personnel are expected to immediately report any and all instances of racism, sexism, classism, ageism, ableism, religiousm, opinionism, beliefism, heightism, and weightism to the ISFL department of Anti-Crime And Bigotry (ACAB). Failure to comply will result in an immediate removal and lifetime ban from the league. If you are unsure whether a particular incident qualifies, it is better to be safe than sorry: Do ask, and do tell. A few examples of incidents that should be reported are as follows:
a. A person is being seen without their consent.
b. A person speaks without having first received the consent of their audience.
c. A person is being looked down upon due to their shorter stature when speaking to someone taller.
d. A person is assisting another person in performing their duties.
e. A person provides another person with recommendations.
Please note that every incident will be processed on a case-by-case basis, and no set of blanket guidelines will be able to properly adjudicate any given case. The ISFL reserves the right to adjudicate as we see fit.
3. All personnel will be required to get a tattoo on their lower back with the text: "Property of the ISFL". Failure to comply will result in immediate termination of employment.
4. All personnel are expected to bow, salute, smile at, and address all ISFL Head Office members with the words "Sir" and/or "Madam". Be aware that each and every Head Office member will have their own preference of which word you need to be addressing them by. Failure to use the correct pronouns will result in fines equal to 5% of your salary per instance.
5. For all US-based games, the National Anthem performed at the beginning of each game will be replaced with the Pledge of Allegiance. Any personnel found not participating in the pledge will be escorted off the premise and employment immediately terminated.
EDITOR'S UPDATE: We've received confirmation that this was the work of an elaborate prankster. Said prankster has been arrested and charged with digital incursion and defamation. No actual changes to the ISFL code of conduct are being implemented. We apologize for any confusion we may have caused.
Due to various circumstances, we have had difficulty acquiring the full details of the new code of conduct, however we were able to obtain a few leaked snippets to share with our readers:
1. All personnel are required to wear ISFL-branded attire at all times while performing ISFL-related tasks and responsibilities. This includes undergarments and random, periodic, potentially invasive inspections will be performed, sometimes mid-game, to ensure that this policy is abided by. The first violation will incur a fine equal to 50% of your salary that year. The second violation will incur a ban for the rest of the season. The third violation will incur a lifetime ban from the league.
2. All personnel are required to remain vigilant and take action against any and all witnessed incidents of discrimination. As a league, we believe in family values, and will therefore be the leader and champion of these values. Our viewership data reveals that many impressionable children watch our product, a product of extreme violence that all but guarantees extensive neurological/physiological trauma in its players, therefore it is our responsibility to ensure that they are not led astray from what we believe is right. All personnel are expected to immediately report any and all instances of racism, sexism, classism, ageism, ableism, religiousm, opinionism, beliefism, heightism, and weightism to the ISFL department of Anti-Crime And Bigotry (ACAB). Failure to comply will result in an immediate removal and lifetime ban from the league. If you are unsure whether a particular incident qualifies, it is better to be safe than sorry: Do ask, and do tell. A few examples of incidents that should be reported are as follows:
a. A person is being seen without their consent.
b. A person speaks without having first received the consent of their audience.
c. A person is being looked down upon due to their shorter stature when speaking to someone taller.
d. A person is assisting another person in performing their duties.
e. A person provides another person with recommendations.
Please note that every incident will be processed on a case-by-case basis, and no set of blanket guidelines will be able to properly adjudicate any given case. The ISFL reserves the right to adjudicate as we see fit.
3. All personnel will be required to get a tattoo on their lower back with the text: "Property of the ISFL". Failure to comply will result in immediate termination of employment.
4. All personnel are expected to bow, salute, smile at, and address all ISFL Head Office members with the words "Sir" and/or "Madam". Be aware that each and every Head Office member will have their own preference of which word you need to be addressing them by. Failure to use the correct pronouns will result in fines equal to 5% of your salary per instance.
5. For all US-based games, the National Anthem performed at the beginning of each game will be replaced with the Pledge of Allegiance. Any personnel found not participating in the pledge will be escorted off the premise and employment immediately terminated.
EDITOR'S UPDATE: We've received confirmation that this was the work of an elaborate prankster. Said prankster has been arrested and charged with digital incursion and defamation. No actual changes to the ISFL code of conduct are being implemented. We apologize for any confusion we may have caused.