06-23-2023, 12:42 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-24-2023, 02:02 PM by xenosthelegend. Edited 2 times in total.)
2x First Media Bonus
I’m new to the ISFL. My player, Oskar Clark, is new to the ISFL. Last night I was sitting down trying to think of media to write, and I was stumped. I know nothing about the ISFL, it’s history, it’s culture. Nothing. So what could I possibly write about? And then it hit me like a wave of water rushing into a DIY submersible 12.5K feet underwater. The Mascots! They’re the key. I can see them, and I have all the information I need. I know what a snake is, I know what a dog is. That’s all I need to know to assign each DSFL mascot 6 DnD core statistics, and then with those statistics, determine what class would suit each mascot the best. Let’s begin.
Kansas City Coyote:
STR: 8
DEX: 18
CON: 11
INT: 20
WIS: 15
CHA: 9
Analysis:
So right off the bat The Coyote’s getting an 8 in strength. “But their bite grip str-“ Shut up, I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t care how hard a coyote can clasp onto something with its dumb mouth. In this world how hard you can bite onto something means nothing. How much can The Coyote bench? Probably not much, I’m guessing, with it’s skinny ass dog arms. And for that, The Coyote receives 8 STR
Dexterity, on the other hand, now that’s where The Coyote excels. I don’t really know why, but The Coyote just seems dexterous to me. Dogs in general, I suppose. You know those dog shows? Where they run through the hoops and slalom and whatnot? That type of stuff is why the Coyote is getting an 18 here, it looks like it’s built for that. I was considering a higher score here, but dogs aren’t always dexterous. In fact they can be downright oafish at times. Bumbling around and stuff. Knocking stuff over. Running into doors. That type of stuff. (Source: Youtube, “Funny Dog Fails, Top Dog Fails 2019, Best of”)
For constitution the Coyote gets 11. Meh. It looks hearty I guess. Kinda on the skinny side, but nothing too bad. Not much to say with this one.
Oh yeah baby here it is, the hot take. The Coyote is getting a whopping 20 in intelligence!! That might seem like a lot, allow me to explain. First off, some dogs are really smart. Like always needing stuff to do or they’ll eat your couch type smart. There’s also that dog on Tik Tok that “speaks” with buttons on the ground, so if you’re the typd who’s easily fooled by videos on the internet, that could also add evidence to the “dogs are smart” claim for you.
And let’s pair that with a respectable 15 in Wisdom. I dunno. The Coyote just seems wise to me. Like it would dish out insightful morals at the end of an Aesop Fable. (Aside: Are there any Aesop Fables with Coyotes? Is it a faint memory I have, or just intuition?) And yeah they just seem like they’re trustworthy. Like they know what they’re talking about. When they speak, it’s wise to listen closely.
THIS might be the real hot take here. A 13 in Charisma. It’s not THAT terrible, but I know that all you dog people are gonna freak out at this one, how The Coyote should have like a 26 or something, and again, I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t care how much you like dogs, I don’t wanna be anywhere near a Coyote. That sounds too scary. Not soooo scary that The Coyote would get a high CHA from the intimidation factor, but just scary enough to leave The Coyote with a pitiful 9 in Charisma.
Dnd Class:
Wizard
With an Int of 20 I had to go wizard. The solid dex/wis combo reallly had me thinking monk for a second, but I’m confident the Wizard is the way to go here. Int’s the main stat here, and The Coyote has that in spades. The high dex/wis gives us some very good saving throws as well. As a Wizard, Coyote is going to be pretty squishy no matter what, but an 11 doesn’t hamper Coyote too bad in that department. Strength and Charisma are Coyote’s dump stats here, they won’t be relevant while he’s casting his dog-magic.
London Royals
Strength: 7
Dex: 8
Con: 14
Int: 18
Wis: 20
Cha: 10
Maybe surprisingly, the Royals have low strength. Maybe the Royal institution/monarchy is strong, but King Charles the individual looks like he’d die if I punched him. Like sure at one point they were all army guys or whatever, which sounds like a pretty strong occupation, but that was a lonnng time ago. Kind Charles looks so old he probably served in the Great Caveman war of 5000BCE. And sure some of the other Royals (like the Redhead one) are still pretty young, and probably at least stronger than I am, but they’re all low level royals, like dukes and earls, so they don’t matter. But also let’s be real, are they letting the Royal family even do stuff in the army? Did King Charles have to actually do push ups? Even when he was just like an earl or duke or whatever, doesn’t that still outrank whatever army guy is there trying to get him to do push up? Could he make his drill sgt. do push ups? I don’t know, but either way that spells disaster for the Royals strength score, a dreadful 4.
Dex isn’t much better, for very similar reasons. Maybe the Queen actually died cuz she was trying to do a backflip or a somersault or something. Nope. Not Happening. 8.
Constitution of 14. Queen Elizabeth alone would’ve gotten this to 18, she did live 200 years old after all. But sadly Princess Diana’s premature departure is reason enough to bring the overall Royal Constitution to a still-respectable 14
Intelligence of 18 because British people sound smart, even the everyday bloke or chap sounds like they should be sipping tea with a monocle. (except for those British people who’s accents sound like they have a blender down their throats, they don’t sound as smart). And if the common British person sounds smart, a ROYAL is going to sound SUPER smart. Plus they have all those prestigious schools that are older than the U.S.A. or the pyramids or whatever. So the Royals probably have a very good education, and likewise, an intelligence stat of 18.
Wisdom of 20 because just like Solomon, a wise ruler is a good ruler. So of course, the Royals are getting a 20 in Wisdom. Because if a good monarch/monarchy is wise, and age of empire (not like the game) is an indicator of how good a monarch/monarchy is, logically as one of the oldest empires in history, the London Royals must be exceedingly wise.
Charisma of 10 because there are a lot of good depictions of Royals in media (like the Chad lion in Robin Hood, Or Mufasa). But for every benevolent, capable, royal in media, there’s a downright nasty, bumbling, loser of a royal. Like Lord Farquad, or Scar. So the good and the bad even out, and we’re left with a 10
And we have a Druid, folks. Wisdom is the Royal’s main stat as a Druid. The low strength and dexterity scores don’t matter for a class that can wild-shape into a stronger, more dexterous, creature, so the nauseatingly low pair of stats doesn’t bother The Royal too much here. The Royal’s Constitution is solid, which can never hurt. Lastly while maybe a bit boring for some’s taste, a 10 at Charisma isn’t going to be the end of the world.
Minnesota Grey Ducks
Strength: 18
Dex: 11
con: 12
int:8
wis:16
cha:10
Ah yes, the mighty duck (not the movie). It might seem peculiar, but I think the duck is a strong animal. I’ve heard that if you kick a duck, or a goose, or some similar sized water fowl, you can break your foot. They’re like a collapsed star in terms of density. I’ve think it’s fueled by the mass of their rage (take geese for example), but Neil deGrasse Tyson won’t answer my e-mails so I can’t confirm that. That’s some serious firepower there, and very deserving of 18 strength
While strong, I don’t know if I’d call a duck dexterous. Yeah they can fly, that’s cool. But in all honesty that’s the ONLY reason they’re at 11 to begin with. Because guess what? When they’re not flying, they’re waddling. That’s the most awkward, clumsiest, style of movement. A waddle. Waddling evokes the image of not making it to the restroom in time, and having to do the stinky waddle of shame down the aisle of Walmart to the bathroom to clean up. Disgusting. That doesn’t sound very dexterous to me. 11.
Constitution is an okay 12. I dunno. Ducks do seem pretty darn resilient, but their necks are too critical of a weak point for me to really take them seriously in the survivability department, I’ll let them off the hook with a 12.
Ducks are dumb. They’re stupid, dumb birds. Literal bird brains. That’s just a fact, and that’s why intelligence is a dump stat for our ducks at 8.
Wisdom. There’s some Je ne sais quoi surrounding a duck that makes me think they’re pretty wise despite their low intelligence, like Huck Finn. I dunno if it’s the Aesop’s Fable animals telling morals stuff again or what, but I think Ducks deserve a very solid 15
I think ducks are of average Charisma at 10. They seem cool from afar, but their personalities are lacking up close. But that’s fine, they don’t bother me. They’re just kinda out there, doing their thing. Swimming in ponds etc. And that’s alright with me, and so is a 10 for charisma.
With its two highest stats being strength and wisdom, I think it’s obvious to everyone that the Duck is a cleric. Enough wisdom to call down Duck’s awesome divine magic, and enough strength to support wearing giant bad-ass armor while doing it. The duck doesn’t particularly shine in any other departments, but I think it’s really found it’s sweet spot taking up the cloth
Portland Pythons
strength: 10
Dex: 20
con: 14
int: 16
wis:4
cha: 14
Snakes don’t seem particularly strong. Again I ask the question, “how much can it bench?” And in Python’s case, I think it would struggle to bench 180. So they get a 10 in strength. Now they aren’t negative because, after all, they are essentially one giant muscle. I think. But that does kind of sounds bad ass. It’s kinda like how our tongues are one big muscle, and they’re actually surprising strong for their size. On second thought maybe Python should be higher than 10, but alas, it’s too late. Fate sealed. Destiny written. 10.
Also akin to a tongue, Pythons (and snakes in general), are very dexterous. If you’ve ever seen a snake you should know what I’m talking about. They’re super quick and can do 900°s like Tony Hawk. Their movement isn’t burdened by clunky limbs so they can pull off some mind boggling stunts. I can’t say much else, this one seems real obvious to me, easily 20 dexterity for the Python
I’m gonna be honest I’m kinda shaky about this score. I think snakes would have a high constitution? They do live in some pretty harsh climates, after all. So I thin a constitution score of 14 is appropriate. But they would need to bring a heat lamp into some of the less well lit dungeons.
Snakes are smart. My theory is that since they don’t have arms or legs to worry about, they can devote more energy to the head, where the brain is located, unlocking a new level of brain activity/intelligence. Yes, kind of like a “Limitless” situation. Or even “Good Will Hunting,” but less Boston accents. The point is, Pythons are smart and that’s a fact, so they get a 16 intelligence score. How’d you like them apples?
On the flip side, Pythons are not wise. They’re always up to some mischief or trickery. Remember, it was a snake that convinced Adam and Eve to defy God and eat from the tree of knowledge. And that was a pretty unwise move for the Python, cuz they lost their limb privileges that day. And if you’re into that kinda thing, they can also be indirectly blamed for causing all of our problems, so they’re just plain jerks too. 4. booo.
I’m sorry for those of you who like snakes. I am not one of those people. Not to the Indians Jones extent (although I’ve never been in a pit of them like he has) but I’m not fond of them. They’re off putting. People who own snakes kinda freak me out. No offense to any snake owners out there. But see above paragraph, they are adept at deception, which is a staple charisma based skill. I think 14 is fair.
In one of the more obvious/fitting mascot-class pairings, the Python is a Rouge. Their lightning fast reflexes, silent movement, and penchant for trickery make them highly skilled rouges. Their high intelligence also gives them a “leg up” (get it? cuz they don’t have legs) while sneaking around and making investigation skill checks. The Python’s constitution and strength aren’t too bad either, and while low wisdom is far from ideal, the Python’s other stats more than make up for it.
Buccaneers
str: 14
dex: 18
con: 8
int:6
wis: 10
cha: 20
A Buccaneer is a pirate, and pirates have to be strong. They go around all day hauling booty back and forth, stacking cannon balls, moving barrels of rum around. My arms are getting sore just thinking about it. But pirates also have nutritional deficiencies, so they probably aren’t getting the caloric intake and not nearly enough protein to get truly yolked. They’re still ending with a decent score of 14.
This next ability is where I feel Buccaneers truly shine. They spend all day at sea, so they have elite balance. They also climb the rigging up to the crows nest amid the frothy rolling waves, that’s like Marine corp training. Maybe the ones with peg legs get a little debuff here, but otherwise, a dexterity score of 18 accurately reflects the Buccaneers elite acrobatic talents.
Again, nutritional deficiency. I don’t care, if scurvy is something you have to worry about, your constitution is in poor shape. There are some outliers here. Noted Buccaneer Edward Teach Aka Blackbeard, he had his head cut off and then did a bunch of laps around the ship. Sadly I can’t confirm that to be true, so we can’t really take it into consideration when evaluating constitution for the Buccaneers.
Intelligence is rough for the Buccaneers. I sadly have to assume that most of them are illiterate, which in and of itself might not be a sign of low intelligence, it’s definitely a significant roadblock in intellectual development. Plus, have you seen the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies? Some of those buccaneers were total knuckleheads. Maybe a Buccaneer has some solid boat/sea related knowledge, but sadly I can’t give them the benefit of the doubt on land, and they’re burdened with an intelligence score of 6.
This one’s a mixed bag for the Buccaneers. In their pursuit of treasure they need a good measure of wisdom to succeed, but many a buccaneer perishes to unwise choices in the pursuit of treasure. Looking at only the wise buccaneers is an example of survivorship bias if we’re trying to get an overall feel for the wisdom of pirates. I think a neutral 10 is an appropriate wisdom score for the buccaneers.
Some pirates, like Jack Sparrow, are shining examples of charisma. They’re funny, they’re likable, they can lie with a straight face. All signs of high charisma. But even some of the more “rough around the edges” buccaneers, who might not be as affable as their peers, posses a sheer intimidation factor that cannot be ignored when evaluating their charisma. The fact that even today, in 2023, we still romanticize boat criminals from 100+ years ago in all our media, that shows that the charisma of the buccaneer is strong enough to last through the ages, and for that the Buccaneer gets a 20 charisma score.
In what is in my opinion, another excellent mascot-class pairing, the Buccaneer serves as the party bard. With their sea shanty and tales of ancient lands and lost treasure, they can enthrall a crowd with the best of them. They’re pretty well rounded across the board, which aids perfectly to the many skill check the bard is expected to take. The constitution is rough here I won’t lie, but I think the Buccaneer is so skilled outside of that that they will more than make up for their vitamin deficiencies.
Dallas Birddogs
str: 12
dex: 14
con: 14
int: 16
wis: 8
cha:20
I’m not exactly sure what bird dog the Dallas logo is supposed to represent. In high school I had a job at a kennel walking dogs, so I’m trying to draw on my forgotten dog-recognition skills here. I think it’s a Brittany. I’m mainly looking at the ears and jowls, but the tail really tipped the scale for the Brittany. If I’m wrong please let me know and I’ll reevaluate the Birddogs scores, this is the only possible exception to an otherwise infallible process. That being said, The Birddogs get a 12 in strength. I think dogs are kinda strong for their size in general, but the Brittany doesn’t really seem like a strong dog. It doesn’t have to be mushed in a sled team hauling diphtheria serum to remote Alaskan cities. These dogs aren’t fighting lions like the Rhodesian ridgebacks. They carry birds around all day. Big deal, birds aren’t heavy, 12.
Much like the Coyote, the Birddog is nimble. Again see the dog show example. Birddogs especially need to be quick and dexterous, in order to retrieve the fowl in a timely manner. The Birddog is recovering a respectable 14 dexterity score.
In my research on Brittany spaniels I found that they are a generally healthy breed. This is a relief. No chronic hip problems like german Shepard dogs, no messed up inbred nose like pugs or bulldogs, and on average they enjoy a relatively long 12 year lifespan. That’s good enough for a constitution score of 14.
Birddogs are generally of above average intelligence, The Brittany especially so. Brittany spaniels are also exceedingly intelligent. Famous Dog enthusiast and writer, Stanley Coren, ranked the Brittany a whopping 19th for obedience and working intelligence. Only two dogs, the english cocker spaniel and the springer spaniel are smarter among bird dogs. This elite talent is wholeheartedly deserving a score of 16
While smart, I can’t say I’d consider the Birddog to be wise. I know The Coyote got a pretty high wisdom score, but I think a large part of that comes from the wild nature of the Coyote having an aura of natural wisdom that the domesticated Birddog lacks. The Birddog looks like it would be in a youtube video getting something stuck on its head. Cute, but not very wise. 8.
That being said, the birddog is truly adorable. I’m more of a cat person myself, but even I have to admit that the Birddog is deserving of a 20 charisma score. It’s just adorable. I’d like to rub it’s belly. Who doesn’t love a cute dog?
With a charisma of 20, sorcerer is a natural fit for the Birddog. Our other stats don’t matter too much here, but it’s great to have decent STR/DEX/CON scores. The Birddogs intelligence could be useful for recalling some arcane lore, and The Birddogs just gonna have to live with a low wisdom score. I don’t think it’ll mind. With our second dog-caster of the bunch, we move into our final two mascots!
Norfolk Seawolves
Str: 18
dex: 18
con: 14
int: 9
wis: 8
cha: 13
The seawolf is tough to judge as our only inanimate mascot. But I’m fairly certain the above ratings are accurate. Starting with a strength of 18! The seawolf isn’t your everyday run of the mill DIY sub, the kind that’ll implode while trying to explore the titanic wreck. No, the seawolf is a top of the line sub, armed to the teeth. The firepower the seawolf packs makes its strength score appropriate.
Similarly, the seawolf excels at dexterity based skills. You might argue that a giant bulky sub isn’t dexterous, it’s not very nimble relative to the rest of our mascots. But there’s one dexterity skill in particular that the seawolf excels in, and that’s stealth! The seawolf is built for stealth, and is easily the stealthiest mascot of the bunch. It’s so stealthy i’ve never even seen one in real life! And for that the seawolf is assigned a dexterity score of 18.
DIY submersible implosions aside (last time making that reference) submarines seem pretty robust overall. I think a Seawolf has to be durable to survive weeks in the salty sea and dives deep underwater. Destroyer ships were known to cause some issues with submarines, so the Seawolves do not have an excellent constitution score, but a still respectable 14
I don’t think any inanimate object is intelligent, except maybe roombas. I guess compared to all other inanimate objects, a submarine is intelligent? But compared to our other sentient mascots, not so much. So the Seawolves have to eat a 9 intelligence score.
For many of the same reasons as the poor intelligence score, the Seawolves are receiving a similarly low 8 in wisdom. I get the vibe that a submarine is even less wise than it is intelligent, so the ability score one less than INT is set appropriately
You might argue that the Seawolves would have an equally bad score for the third social/non-combat oriented ability, charisma. But I think there’s an aura of romanticism around the submarine. Just you and your 139 closest buddies, stinkin it up in a tin can 500 meters underwater. Don’t we all wish we could live that life. Lucky/unlucky 13 in charisma (cuz you do need some luck down there)
With the elite 50 combined points the Seawolves have between STR DEX and CON, I think it’d be a waste of the Seawolve’s talents for them to not be a fighter. They could pursue a Bow, long sword, daggers. The CHA of 13 helps the Seawolves talk their way out of the few situations they can’t fight their way out of. Just like their real life counterpart, seawolf the fighter is a versatile and effective warrior.
Luchadores
Str: 20
Dex: 13
Con: 16
Int: 12
Wis: 10
cha: 15
If the Luchadore is anything, it’s strong. Proving themselves over and over in the ring, continuously outclassing their opponents. It’s obvious the Luchadores are getting a 20 in strength.
The Luchadores is strong, but they’re no slouch when it comes to dexterity, either. Their high flying moves in the ring and their lightning fast reflexes are both sure signs of high dexterity. But this is a dexterous group of mascots. Relative to them, i’m not convinced the Luchadores should be any higher than 13 dexterity.
Much the same as with strength, the Luchadores battles it out round after round in the ring, a tiring slog that requires strong constitution. For that reason the Luchadores has the highest constitution in the entire mascot party at 16.
While fighting in the ring, the Luchadores must be crafty. Brains are just as important as brawn in the world of the Luchadores. While they can usually get by on their muscles, an intelligence of 12 gives the Luchadores the skills and techniques needed to beat even the toughest opponents.
I saw Nacho Libre, so I know there are wise Luchadores out there. But I’m not fully convinced the Luchadores should be anything far from an average 10 wisdom.
I saw Nacho Libre, so I know that the Luchadores deserve a 15 charisma ability score. Additional proof is Rey Mysterio. With their colorful masks the Luchadores are oozing with charisma.
The elite strength and constitution lends itself perfectly for the skill set needed by a barbarian, the class adopted by the Luchadores. I think the wild fighting style of the Barbarian has a solid parallel to the Luchadores fighting style in the ring. Across the board the Luchadores are strong, with no real weaknesses anywhere.
So there you have it! The DSFL DnD party!
I’m new to the ISFL. My player, Oskar Clark, is new to the ISFL. Last night I was sitting down trying to think of media to write, and I was stumped. I know nothing about the ISFL, it’s history, it’s culture. Nothing. So what could I possibly write about? And then it hit me like a wave of water rushing into a DIY submersible 12.5K feet underwater. The Mascots! They’re the key. I can see them, and I have all the information I need. I know what a snake is, I know what a dog is. That’s all I need to know to assign each DSFL mascot 6 DnD core statistics, and then with those statistics, determine what class would suit each mascot the best. Let’s begin.
Kansas City Coyote:
STR: 8
DEX: 18
CON: 11
INT: 20
WIS: 15
CHA: 9
Analysis:
So right off the bat The Coyote’s getting an 8 in strength. “But their bite grip str-“ Shut up, I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t care how hard a coyote can clasp onto something with its dumb mouth. In this world how hard you can bite onto something means nothing. How much can The Coyote bench? Probably not much, I’m guessing, with it’s skinny ass dog arms. And for that, The Coyote receives 8 STR
Dexterity, on the other hand, now that’s where The Coyote excels. I don’t really know why, but The Coyote just seems dexterous to me. Dogs in general, I suppose. You know those dog shows? Where they run through the hoops and slalom and whatnot? That type of stuff is why the Coyote is getting an 18 here, it looks like it’s built for that. I was considering a higher score here, but dogs aren’t always dexterous. In fact they can be downright oafish at times. Bumbling around and stuff. Knocking stuff over. Running into doors. That type of stuff. (Source: Youtube, “Funny Dog Fails, Top Dog Fails 2019, Best of”)
For constitution the Coyote gets 11. Meh. It looks hearty I guess. Kinda on the skinny side, but nothing too bad. Not much to say with this one.
Oh yeah baby here it is, the hot take. The Coyote is getting a whopping 20 in intelligence!! That might seem like a lot, allow me to explain. First off, some dogs are really smart. Like always needing stuff to do or they’ll eat your couch type smart. There’s also that dog on Tik Tok that “speaks” with buttons on the ground, so if you’re the typd who’s easily fooled by videos on the internet, that could also add evidence to the “dogs are smart” claim for you.
And let’s pair that with a respectable 15 in Wisdom. I dunno. The Coyote just seems wise to me. Like it would dish out insightful morals at the end of an Aesop Fable. (Aside: Are there any Aesop Fables with Coyotes? Is it a faint memory I have, or just intuition?) And yeah they just seem like they’re trustworthy. Like they know what they’re talking about. When they speak, it’s wise to listen closely.
THIS might be the real hot take here. A 13 in Charisma. It’s not THAT terrible, but I know that all you dog people are gonna freak out at this one, how The Coyote should have like a 26 or something, and again, I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t care how much you like dogs, I don’t wanna be anywhere near a Coyote. That sounds too scary. Not soooo scary that The Coyote would get a high CHA from the intimidation factor, but just scary enough to leave The Coyote with a pitiful 9 in Charisma.
Dnd Class:
Wizard
With an Int of 20 I had to go wizard. The solid dex/wis combo reallly had me thinking monk for a second, but I’m confident the Wizard is the way to go here. Int’s the main stat here, and The Coyote has that in spades. The high dex/wis gives us some very good saving throws as well. As a Wizard, Coyote is going to be pretty squishy no matter what, but an 11 doesn’t hamper Coyote too bad in that department. Strength and Charisma are Coyote’s dump stats here, they won’t be relevant while he’s casting his dog-magic.
London Royals
Strength: 7
Dex: 8
Con: 14
Int: 18
Wis: 20
Cha: 10
Maybe surprisingly, the Royals have low strength. Maybe the Royal institution/monarchy is strong, but King Charles the individual looks like he’d die if I punched him. Like sure at one point they were all army guys or whatever, which sounds like a pretty strong occupation, but that was a lonnng time ago. Kind Charles looks so old he probably served in the Great Caveman war of 5000BCE. And sure some of the other Royals (like the Redhead one) are still pretty young, and probably at least stronger than I am, but they’re all low level royals, like dukes and earls, so they don’t matter. But also let’s be real, are they letting the Royal family even do stuff in the army? Did King Charles have to actually do push ups? Even when he was just like an earl or duke or whatever, doesn’t that still outrank whatever army guy is there trying to get him to do push up? Could he make his drill sgt. do push ups? I don’t know, but either way that spells disaster for the Royals strength score, a dreadful 4.
Dex isn’t much better, for very similar reasons. Maybe the Queen actually died cuz she was trying to do a backflip or a somersault or something. Nope. Not Happening. 8.
Constitution of 14. Queen Elizabeth alone would’ve gotten this to 18, she did live 200 years old after all. But sadly Princess Diana’s premature departure is reason enough to bring the overall Royal Constitution to a still-respectable 14
Intelligence of 18 because British people sound smart, even the everyday bloke or chap sounds like they should be sipping tea with a monocle. (except for those British people who’s accents sound like they have a blender down their throats, they don’t sound as smart). And if the common British person sounds smart, a ROYAL is going to sound SUPER smart. Plus they have all those prestigious schools that are older than the U.S.A. or the pyramids or whatever. So the Royals probably have a very good education, and likewise, an intelligence stat of 18.
Wisdom of 20 because just like Solomon, a wise ruler is a good ruler. So of course, the Royals are getting a 20 in Wisdom. Because if a good monarch/monarchy is wise, and age of empire (not like the game) is an indicator of how good a monarch/monarchy is, logically as one of the oldest empires in history, the London Royals must be exceedingly wise.
Charisma of 10 because there are a lot of good depictions of Royals in media (like the Chad lion in Robin Hood, Or Mufasa). But for every benevolent, capable, royal in media, there’s a downright nasty, bumbling, loser of a royal. Like Lord Farquad, or Scar. So the good and the bad even out, and we’re left with a 10
And we have a Druid, folks. Wisdom is the Royal’s main stat as a Druid. The low strength and dexterity scores don’t matter for a class that can wild-shape into a stronger, more dexterous, creature, so the nauseatingly low pair of stats doesn’t bother The Royal too much here. The Royal’s Constitution is solid, which can never hurt. Lastly while maybe a bit boring for some’s taste, a 10 at Charisma isn’t going to be the end of the world.
Minnesota Grey Ducks
Strength: 18
Dex: 11
con: 12
int:8
wis:16
cha:10
Ah yes, the mighty duck (not the movie). It might seem peculiar, but I think the duck is a strong animal. I’ve heard that if you kick a duck, or a goose, or some similar sized water fowl, you can break your foot. They’re like a collapsed star in terms of density. I’ve think it’s fueled by the mass of their rage (take geese for example), but Neil deGrasse Tyson won’t answer my e-mails so I can’t confirm that. That’s some serious firepower there, and very deserving of 18 strength
While strong, I don’t know if I’d call a duck dexterous. Yeah they can fly, that’s cool. But in all honesty that’s the ONLY reason they’re at 11 to begin with. Because guess what? When they’re not flying, they’re waddling. That’s the most awkward, clumsiest, style of movement. A waddle. Waddling evokes the image of not making it to the restroom in time, and having to do the stinky waddle of shame down the aisle of Walmart to the bathroom to clean up. Disgusting. That doesn’t sound very dexterous to me. 11.
Constitution is an okay 12. I dunno. Ducks do seem pretty darn resilient, but their necks are too critical of a weak point for me to really take them seriously in the survivability department, I’ll let them off the hook with a 12.
Ducks are dumb. They’re stupid, dumb birds. Literal bird brains. That’s just a fact, and that’s why intelligence is a dump stat for our ducks at 8.
Wisdom. There’s some Je ne sais quoi surrounding a duck that makes me think they’re pretty wise despite their low intelligence, like Huck Finn. I dunno if it’s the Aesop’s Fable animals telling morals stuff again or what, but I think Ducks deserve a very solid 15
I think ducks are of average Charisma at 10. They seem cool from afar, but their personalities are lacking up close. But that’s fine, they don’t bother me. They’re just kinda out there, doing their thing. Swimming in ponds etc. And that’s alright with me, and so is a 10 for charisma.
With its two highest stats being strength and wisdom, I think it’s obvious to everyone that the Duck is a cleric. Enough wisdom to call down Duck’s awesome divine magic, and enough strength to support wearing giant bad-ass armor while doing it. The duck doesn’t particularly shine in any other departments, but I think it’s really found it’s sweet spot taking up the cloth
Portland Pythons
strength: 10
Dex: 20
con: 14
int: 16
wis:4
cha: 14
Snakes don’t seem particularly strong. Again I ask the question, “how much can it bench?” And in Python’s case, I think it would struggle to bench 180. So they get a 10 in strength. Now they aren’t negative because, after all, they are essentially one giant muscle. I think. But that does kind of sounds bad ass. It’s kinda like how our tongues are one big muscle, and they’re actually surprising strong for their size. On second thought maybe Python should be higher than 10, but alas, it’s too late. Fate sealed. Destiny written. 10.
Also akin to a tongue, Pythons (and snakes in general), are very dexterous. If you’ve ever seen a snake you should know what I’m talking about. They’re super quick and can do 900°s like Tony Hawk. Their movement isn’t burdened by clunky limbs so they can pull off some mind boggling stunts. I can’t say much else, this one seems real obvious to me, easily 20 dexterity for the Python
I’m gonna be honest I’m kinda shaky about this score. I think snakes would have a high constitution? They do live in some pretty harsh climates, after all. So I thin a constitution score of 14 is appropriate. But they would need to bring a heat lamp into some of the less well lit dungeons.
Snakes are smart. My theory is that since they don’t have arms or legs to worry about, they can devote more energy to the head, where the brain is located, unlocking a new level of brain activity/intelligence. Yes, kind of like a “Limitless” situation. Or even “Good Will Hunting,” but less Boston accents. The point is, Pythons are smart and that’s a fact, so they get a 16 intelligence score. How’d you like them apples?
On the flip side, Pythons are not wise. They’re always up to some mischief or trickery. Remember, it was a snake that convinced Adam and Eve to defy God and eat from the tree of knowledge. And that was a pretty unwise move for the Python, cuz they lost their limb privileges that day. And if you’re into that kinda thing, they can also be indirectly blamed for causing all of our problems, so they’re just plain jerks too. 4. booo.
I’m sorry for those of you who like snakes. I am not one of those people. Not to the Indians Jones extent (although I’ve never been in a pit of them like he has) but I’m not fond of them. They’re off putting. People who own snakes kinda freak me out. No offense to any snake owners out there. But see above paragraph, they are adept at deception, which is a staple charisma based skill. I think 14 is fair.
In one of the more obvious/fitting mascot-class pairings, the Python is a Rouge. Their lightning fast reflexes, silent movement, and penchant for trickery make them highly skilled rouges. Their high intelligence also gives them a “leg up” (get it? cuz they don’t have legs) while sneaking around and making investigation skill checks. The Python’s constitution and strength aren’t too bad either, and while low wisdom is far from ideal, the Python’s other stats more than make up for it.
Buccaneers
str: 14
dex: 18
con: 8
int:6
wis: 10
cha: 20
A Buccaneer is a pirate, and pirates have to be strong. They go around all day hauling booty back and forth, stacking cannon balls, moving barrels of rum around. My arms are getting sore just thinking about it. But pirates also have nutritional deficiencies, so they probably aren’t getting the caloric intake and not nearly enough protein to get truly yolked. They’re still ending with a decent score of 14.
This next ability is where I feel Buccaneers truly shine. They spend all day at sea, so they have elite balance. They also climb the rigging up to the crows nest amid the frothy rolling waves, that’s like Marine corp training. Maybe the ones with peg legs get a little debuff here, but otherwise, a dexterity score of 18 accurately reflects the Buccaneers elite acrobatic talents.
Again, nutritional deficiency. I don’t care, if scurvy is something you have to worry about, your constitution is in poor shape. There are some outliers here. Noted Buccaneer Edward Teach Aka Blackbeard, he had his head cut off and then did a bunch of laps around the ship. Sadly I can’t confirm that to be true, so we can’t really take it into consideration when evaluating constitution for the Buccaneers.
Intelligence is rough for the Buccaneers. I sadly have to assume that most of them are illiterate, which in and of itself might not be a sign of low intelligence, it’s definitely a significant roadblock in intellectual development. Plus, have you seen the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies? Some of those buccaneers were total knuckleheads. Maybe a Buccaneer has some solid boat/sea related knowledge, but sadly I can’t give them the benefit of the doubt on land, and they’re burdened with an intelligence score of 6.
This one’s a mixed bag for the Buccaneers. In their pursuit of treasure they need a good measure of wisdom to succeed, but many a buccaneer perishes to unwise choices in the pursuit of treasure. Looking at only the wise buccaneers is an example of survivorship bias if we’re trying to get an overall feel for the wisdom of pirates. I think a neutral 10 is an appropriate wisdom score for the buccaneers.
Some pirates, like Jack Sparrow, are shining examples of charisma. They’re funny, they’re likable, they can lie with a straight face. All signs of high charisma. But even some of the more “rough around the edges” buccaneers, who might not be as affable as their peers, posses a sheer intimidation factor that cannot be ignored when evaluating their charisma. The fact that even today, in 2023, we still romanticize boat criminals from 100+ years ago in all our media, that shows that the charisma of the buccaneer is strong enough to last through the ages, and for that the Buccaneer gets a 20 charisma score.
In what is in my opinion, another excellent mascot-class pairing, the Buccaneer serves as the party bard. With their sea shanty and tales of ancient lands and lost treasure, they can enthrall a crowd with the best of them. They’re pretty well rounded across the board, which aids perfectly to the many skill check the bard is expected to take. The constitution is rough here I won’t lie, but I think the Buccaneer is so skilled outside of that that they will more than make up for their vitamin deficiencies.
Dallas Birddogs
str: 12
dex: 14
con: 14
int: 16
wis: 8
cha:20
I’m not exactly sure what bird dog the Dallas logo is supposed to represent. In high school I had a job at a kennel walking dogs, so I’m trying to draw on my forgotten dog-recognition skills here. I think it’s a Brittany. I’m mainly looking at the ears and jowls, but the tail really tipped the scale for the Brittany. If I’m wrong please let me know and I’ll reevaluate the Birddogs scores, this is the only possible exception to an otherwise infallible process. That being said, The Birddogs get a 12 in strength. I think dogs are kinda strong for their size in general, but the Brittany doesn’t really seem like a strong dog. It doesn’t have to be mushed in a sled team hauling diphtheria serum to remote Alaskan cities. These dogs aren’t fighting lions like the Rhodesian ridgebacks. They carry birds around all day. Big deal, birds aren’t heavy, 12.
Much like the Coyote, the Birddog is nimble. Again see the dog show example. Birddogs especially need to be quick and dexterous, in order to retrieve the fowl in a timely manner. The Birddog is recovering a respectable 14 dexterity score.
In my research on Brittany spaniels I found that they are a generally healthy breed. This is a relief. No chronic hip problems like german Shepard dogs, no messed up inbred nose like pugs or bulldogs, and on average they enjoy a relatively long 12 year lifespan. That’s good enough for a constitution score of 14.
Birddogs are generally of above average intelligence, The Brittany especially so. Brittany spaniels are also exceedingly intelligent. Famous Dog enthusiast and writer, Stanley Coren, ranked the Brittany a whopping 19th for obedience and working intelligence. Only two dogs, the english cocker spaniel and the springer spaniel are smarter among bird dogs. This elite talent is wholeheartedly deserving a score of 16
While smart, I can’t say I’d consider the Birddog to be wise. I know The Coyote got a pretty high wisdom score, but I think a large part of that comes from the wild nature of the Coyote having an aura of natural wisdom that the domesticated Birddog lacks. The Birddog looks like it would be in a youtube video getting something stuck on its head. Cute, but not very wise. 8.
That being said, the birddog is truly adorable. I’m more of a cat person myself, but even I have to admit that the Birddog is deserving of a 20 charisma score. It’s just adorable. I’d like to rub it’s belly. Who doesn’t love a cute dog?
With a charisma of 20, sorcerer is a natural fit for the Birddog. Our other stats don’t matter too much here, but it’s great to have decent STR/DEX/CON scores. The Birddogs intelligence could be useful for recalling some arcane lore, and The Birddogs just gonna have to live with a low wisdom score. I don’t think it’ll mind. With our second dog-caster of the bunch, we move into our final two mascots!
Norfolk Seawolves
Str: 18
dex: 18
con: 14
int: 9
wis: 8
cha: 13
The seawolf is tough to judge as our only inanimate mascot. But I’m fairly certain the above ratings are accurate. Starting with a strength of 18! The seawolf isn’t your everyday run of the mill DIY sub, the kind that’ll implode while trying to explore the titanic wreck. No, the seawolf is a top of the line sub, armed to the teeth. The firepower the seawolf packs makes its strength score appropriate.
Similarly, the seawolf excels at dexterity based skills. You might argue that a giant bulky sub isn’t dexterous, it’s not very nimble relative to the rest of our mascots. But there’s one dexterity skill in particular that the seawolf excels in, and that’s stealth! The seawolf is built for stealth, and is easily the stealthiest mascot of the bunch. It’s so stealthy i’ve never even seen one in real life! And for that the seawolf is assigned a dexterity score of 18.
DIY submersible implosions aside (last time making that reference) submarines seem pretty robust overall. I think a Seawolf has to be durable to survive weeks in the salty sea and dives deep underwater. Destroyer ships were known to cause some issues with submarines, so the Seawolves do not have an excellent constitution score, but a still respectable 14
I don’t think any inanimate object is intelligent, except maybe roombas. I guess compared to all other inanimate objects, a submarine is intelligent? But compared to our other sentient mascots, not so much. So the Seawolves have to eat a 9 intelligence score.
For many of the same reasons as the poor intelligence score, the Seawolves are receiving a similarly low 8 in wisdom. I get the vibe that a submarine is even less wise than it is intelligent, so the ability score one less than INT is set appropriately
You might argue that the Seawolves would have an equally bad score for the third social/non-combat oriented ability, charisma. But I think there’s an aura of romanticism around the submarine. Just you and your 139 closest buddies, stinkin it up in a tin can 500 meters underwater. Don’t we all wish we could live that life. Lucky/unlucky 13 in charisma (cuz you do need some luck down there)
With the elite 50 combined points the Seawolves have between STR DEX and CON, I think it’d be a waste of the Seawolve’s talents for them to not be a fighter. They could pursue a Bow, long sword, daggers. The CHA of 13 helps the Seawolves talk their way out of the few situations they can’t fight their way out of. Just like their real life counterpart, seawolf the fighter is a versatile and effective warrior.
Luchadores
Str: 20
Dex: 13
Con: 16
Int: 12
Wis: 10
cha: 15
If the Luchadore is anything, it’s strong. Proving themselves over and over in the ring, continuously outclassing their opponents. It’s obvious the Luchadores are getting a 20 in strength.
The Luchadores is strong, but they’re no slouch when it comes to dexterity, either. Their high flying moves in the ring and their lightning fast reflexes are both sure signs of high dexterity. But this is a dexterous group of mascots. Relative to them, i’m not convinced the Luchadores should be any higher than 13 dexterity.
Much the same as with strength, the Luchadores battles it out round after round in the ring, a tiring slog that requires strong constitution. For that reason the Luchadores has the highest constitution in the entire mascot party at 16.
While fighting in the ring, the Luchadores must be crafty. Brains are just as important as brawn in the world of the Luchadores. While they can usually get by on their muscles, an intelligence of 12 gives the Luchadores the skills and techniques needed to beat even the toughest opponents.
I saw Nacho Libre, so I know there are wise Luchadores out there. But I’m not fully convinced the Luchadores should be anything far from an average 10 wisdom.
I saw Nacho Libre, so I know that the Luchadores deserve a 15 charisma ability score. Additional proof is Rey Mysterio. With their colorful masks the Luchadores are oozing with charisma.
The elite strength and constitution lends itself perfectly for the skill set needed by a barbarian, the class adopted by the Luchadores. I think the wild fighting style of the Barbarian has a solid parallel to the Luchadores fighting style in the ring. Across the board the Luchadores are strong, with no real weaknesses anywhere.
So there you have it! The DSFL DnD party!