09-29-2023, 05:56 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-02-2023, 03:50 PM by lemonoppy. Edited 4 times in total.)
Ranking ISFL & DSFL Logos By How I Would Do Against Them In A Fight
For a little context, I would be fighting each of these creatures and objects and animals in their habitat (I would fight the Sailfish underwater) with no weapons, and I would fight until one of us dies. I only fight one of each animal so I would fight a Dallas Birddog not multiple Dallas Birddogs. Lastly, to give me a chance against underwater animals and objects I get an unlimited amount of oxygen but still have to deal with the resistance of water. I think that's it so here we go!
DSFL
Number 8: Minnesota Grey Ducks MINN
The grey ducks are by far the easiest thing to fight in the DSFL. Ducks don’t have anything that they could really kill me with (maybe their beak, but I would have to let them do that) and I could definitely beat a duck against a rock or something until it died. Even if the fights in a lake, I could outlast the duck because once it comes close to me it will die. I have very very limited fighting abilities, but even so I would not get beat by an average duck.Number 7: Dallas Birddogs DAL
Birddog doesn't specify what breed of dog, but the logo makes me assume it's a springer spaniel. The average springer-spaniel is only around 45 pounds, so I think I could take it. It would have extra hunting ability after retrieving downed birds, but I don’t think that would translate too well fighting a human. I definitely don’t come out of this untouched, I would probably have some pretty big wounds. But even so, I would probably win against an average birddog (assuming it is a springer-spaniel, because if I have to fight a Pitbull it might not end well).Number 6: Portland Pythons POR
It would obviously be very dangerous to face a Python, especially a Portland Python (love you sneks) but I stand a pretty good chance of winning. The Python can only hurt me with its bite, So I just win if I’m wearing long pants and socks by stepping on it. But assuming I’m not, I think I have a better chance of stepping on than it biting me. Pythons are also pretty slow (unlike their offense) only going around a 1mph at top speed. So I can just maneuver around it until I could step on it and immobilize it. I don’t like my odds (probably only 65-35) but I think I could win.Number 5: Kansas City Coyotes KCC
This is the first one I think I have under a 50% chance of winning. Coyotes are crazy smart and creative, surviving everything humanity has thrown at them. I have a decent chance of surviving one Coyote, as they only weigh around 30 pounds. But I am still terrified of their bites and claws which are very strong. I also know I have no chance of escaping it or out running it, as Coyotes can go up to 43 mph. But considering how light they are, I think I at least have a chance and I’m at least strong enough to bring it down with me. Number 4: Tijuana Luchadores TIJ
If I’m put in the ring with a Luchador, I’m absolutely screwed. They have advanced maneuvers using the ropes and would absolutely destroy me. But, I am assuming I fight them not in a ring and I’m in street clothes and they are in their full outfit. I’m also making another assumption in that I’m fighting an average, regional Luchador and not El Santo. I still probably lose, as being a professional in a combat sport means you will probably beat me pretty bad, but I think I have a small chance if I get very lucky. The Luchadores are only 4th because the stuff in front of them is basically guaranteed to kill me.Number 3: Bondi Beach Buccaneers BBB
I am only going to fight a single buccaneer without a ship, but they get an item that will kill me: their sword. I’m not John Wick so I don’t think I could parry a sword with my bare hands. My only remote chance would be knocking the sword out of their hands and picking it up off the ground. I am physically inferior to the average Buccaneer or pirate, but I guess I have a chance if they are weak because of scurvy or something. I think I stand a better chance against a Luchador because I would rather fight someone who has experience in bare knuckle fighting then someone who has a weapon I don’t and knows how to use it. I could technically make an excuse and say their logo is a skeleton so they’re already dead, but I already have excuses for a few ISFL teams and bending the rules like that is lame.Number 2: Norfolk Seawolves NOR
This one was very tricky because I don’t even know how a human would fight a submarine. In almost every scenario I would drown, and if I got unlucky, I would be instantly annihilated by a torpedo. My only chance is if the battlefield has land and I just wait there until the crew comes out to fight me.There are around 100 people living on a submarine, so I am absolutely dead. I guess I could try to cut a hole in it and sink if there happened to be a torch nearby and I learned how to use it and somehow did it underwater, but I think the best option is just drown. I decided to put this second because of the confusions with fighting an inanimate object, and because I like the beautiful simplicity of number 1.Number 1: London Royals LON
I am going to get mauled to death by a royal British lion who could destroy me before I could knock the crown off his head. I am toast, nothing else to it.
ISFL
Number 14: Yellowknife Wraiths YKW
A Wraith is a ghost. A human can not fight a ghost. I’m giving myself an automatic win because all a ghost could do is haunt me and make my life miserable. I’d prefer to enjoy my life but a ghost can not kill me and I can not kill it. You could argue that the ghost would win because ghosts are immortal and it would win when I die, but give me a break. This one of the only ISFL creatures I could beat.Number 13: Berlin Fire Salamanders BER
Fire Salamanders are a poisonous type of salamander, but from what I can find, they would only kill me if I ate them. I don’t plan on eating a poisonous Salamander anytime soon, so I should easily win this. Fire Salamanders are very tough and resilient animals, but one good stomp should end this fight pretty quickly.Number 12: Orange County Otters OCO
This is the first ISFL mascot that will at least injure me. Despite how cute and cuddly Otters look, they are still wild animals and are therefore dangerous. Luckily they’re from Orange County so I don’t have to deal with a 75 pound, 6 foot long giant Otter from the Amazon. Otters are very good swimmers and have sharp claws, so it’s not an automatic win. They are also carnivores, so they do have experience hunting. But even so, Otters usually eat crabs and frogs and stuff not more than 10x their size. I will win this fight, but I will come out of it with at least one major scar or two.Number 11: Baltimore Hawks BAL
This is the first one that legitimately terrifies me. Hawks are ferocious and cunning birds, with incredibly sharp talons. The hawk can, you know, also fly, giving it a massive advantage over me. Hawks can kill and eat decently large animals like ducks and groundhogs. My plan is just to get to the ground as quickly as possible. If I can damage its wing so it can't fly, then it should be an easy kill. I am scared of it in the air, as it can outmaneuver me and seriously injure me. I will still probably win this fight, but I will need serious medical treatment after the Hawk is dead.Number 10: Austin Copperheads AUS
I don’t want to fight a Copperhead. Similar to the Portland Pythons earlier, I will probably use the same tactics, stay away from its mouth and do everything to not get bit. I think my chances are slightly worse because Copperheads are a little faster and more erratic than the average python, but I still will probably win. Even if I get bit (hopefully I can step on it to death first) I probably won't die unless the Copperhead really destroys me and bites me a couple times. I am fearful because if I get bit once I have a small but still a possibility of dying within minutes. Number 9: Sarasota Sailfish SAR
I know you would naturally think Hawks and Copperheads are more dangerous, but I don’t like my odds against a Sailfish. I will always do worse fighting an animal in the ocean (for this fight I am assuming I get an oxygen tank or something) but their swimming speed terrifies me. It is hard enough to punch a fish in the ocean, much less one going 70 mph. I think I would have to damage it enough that it couldn’t swim (probably by getting its fins) and keep its pointed bill as far away from me as possible. Sailfish are also really big as they can be up to 10 feet long and 220 pounds. The Sailfish are also one of the first ISFL logos/mascots with a confirmed kill. I stand a chance, but I will probably not win this battle.Number 8: Honolulu Hahalua HON
A Hahalua is a massive Manta Ray and like the Seawolves are almost impossible to judge. Unlike other Manta Rays, the Hahalua had no barbs on its tail or fins but the largest brain of any fish, which means it would probably be after to out think me. The other thing is I don’t even know how I would kill it. What am I supposed to do to a 3,000 pound Manta Ray? This probably turns into a long drawn out stalemate as I slowly wear it down and kill it. But even if I could kill one I would immediately be crucified in Hawaii for killing such a beautifully and culturally significant animal. So overall I might win but it would probably take forever or end in a draw. *Little sidenote, researching this article has made me realize how cool of a mascot the Hahalua is, good job Honolulu.Number 7: Chicago Butchers CHI
This one is scary and kind of similar to BBB but instead of a sword I’m fighting someone with a bloody axe. I stand a better chance of winning compared to the Buccaneer because a buccaneer is trained to fight with its sword while a Butcher is not taught how to fight with an axe. I’m going to assume the Butcher is about 25% then the average human (me) which hurts my odds even more. But I still stand a chance against any human I could force them to lose their weapon or choke them out or something. I still definitely do not like my odds though.Number 6: Arizona Outlaws ARI
Similar to the Butchers or Buccaneers, I am giving the Outlaws a 1880s pistol and a lasso. I’m not giving them a horse because the logo does not show one and then I am 100% dead. Outlaws are interesting because (at least in movies) their aim is very questionable. But a guy with a gun is much scarier than someone with an axe, because in close combat with an axe I could potentially do something. Against an Outlaw though, I’ll probably be shot before I have a chance to get close to him and even if I do I’m getting choked to death by a lasso.Number 5: New Orleans Secondline NOLA
A Secondline is basically the second half of a New Orleans parade. The first half (the first line) is the formal parade (the people with the permit, Bands, etc.) while the Secondline are the people who literally just follow the parade, turning it into a moving party. It also has a really cool nickname, as it is sometimes called a “jazz funeral without a body”. With that background information, I am probably fighting hundreds of New Orleans partygoers. I have more of a chance depending on how drunk they are, but I can really only win if they all black out. They also might have glass drinks or mardi gras equipment depending on the time of year, so that further lowers my chances. If they are sober I will lose, and if they’re drunk I am 99% sure I will lose. Even with basically no chance, the Secondline are only 5 because of how much more clear cut the next few fights are.
Number 4: San Jose SaberCats SJS
This is probably the first one which is guaranteed death. Again, I am going to fight a live one from the past and not a skeleton, which screws me over. Even though SaberCats only have ⅓ the bite strength of a lion, it should still be enough to snap my neck. I am also following the logic that any animal that can eat a horse or bison (sometimes even mammoths) will absolutely obliterate me. SaberCats are supposed to have specifically used a neck biting technique to kill prey as well, so I’d probably just be added to the list. If I had to fight a SaberCat I would say goodbye to my family and lie down and hope it’s painless.Number 3: New York Silverbacks NYS
I will die, and it will be quick. I think a 400 pound Silverback Gorilla would be able to kill me faster than a SaberCat because of the unknown of the ancient animal. Fighting a Gorilla is simple. The Gorilla will grab me by the leg and viciously beat me against any nearby object or the ground until I die. I see no special technique or strategy to escape this situation. Even if I had a powerful gun and knew how to use it I still would only have like a 25% chance to win and that's with a powerful weapon. The Silverbacks are only 3 because it would probably take a minute for me to die, and I wouldn’t last that long with number 1 or 2.Number 2: Cape Town Crash CTC
What am I supposed to do against a Rhino. They literally have a massive weapon attached to their face so if they run at me I am impaled instantly. And even if I dodge the horn, they can just crush me to death. What I can do to a Fire Salamander, A Rhino can do to me. I think this one is faster than the Silverback because a Silverback would have to bang me around a few times, while a Rhino could instantly impale me or, if I’m lucky, I would get trampled to death in an instant. I stand no chance.Number 1: Colorado Yeti COL
The Yeti comes in at number 1 for a few reasons. The first being I think of them as stronger, bigger snow Gorillas. The second reason is they have hands and can grab me, Rhinos can’t. I think my time surviving in an arena with a Yeti is about 5 seconds, so slightly shorter than the Crash or Silverbacks. I would probably need an Apache or multiple tanks (and suddenly know how to use them) to even stand a chance, and even then I’m not sure if I would win. The Yeti Would destroy me in seconds.Thanks to @slumped64 for the inspiration and permission to write this, his articles are linked here (DSFL) and here (ISFL).
SAVE THE WIKI!