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Exactly 666 words for the memes
With new president Joe Biden taking office today, his first act as President was not one that was foreseen or even reported in a lot of major media outlets. He pardoned accused-cultist-murderer Thomas Passmann for all deeds right in the middle of his trial, which has been brewing for many seasons now. Passmann was expected to be convicted, with inside sources reporting that the jury was put off by his laughter whenever the prosecutors would present evidence of his crimes such as gruesome pictures and autopsy reports. A guilty verdict seemed inevitable, and this would come just in the wake of him signing a lengthy four year extension with Arizona. It might even cripple the team with it still having him on the books for the next five years and with him being a top wide receiver in the league.
But apparently having appreciated Passmann's constant support while he was on the campaign trail, Biden must have decided that he did not want a vocal celebrity supporter behind bars; he didn't even attack any civilians while his trial was pending so maybe he has turned over a new leaf? That must have been the rationale at least, though we wouldn't put too much stock on Passmann being reformed given that he signed his contract extension with a pentagram. If anything, he probably just got more subtle about his scheming and attacks, and at the advice of his lawyers stopped boasting to the media about his sinister feats of malice and crime. I mean bragging about a felony on video is like Capitol rioter level of stupid, and even a mindless blood-thirsty monster can grasp that concept.
Passmann and his lawyers declared victory and pledged their allegiance to "the new god-emperor", seemingly very excited about the inauguration, although he suggested that there weren't enough blood ceremonies and sacrifices. But thanks to this pardon, the Outlaws wide receiver can hit the turf this season with a weight off his shoulders, no longer facing the heavy charges that have been levied against him all the way back to his rookie season; and this guy is S22 so he's hardly new, this saga has been ongoing for a long time. We can only imagine it's a relief that he doesn't have to worry about being dragged away from his team in handcuffs.
The FBI were visibly annoyed in their press conference following the announcement, calling the decision to pardon Passmann unwise. They said the evidence was very telling and clearly showed that he has committed all sorts of crimes, and that his history suggests that he willl continue to do into the future unless he is locked up. But after many years spent gathering evidence, piecing together his criminal exploits, and tracking the vicious outlaw from city to city through his football career, he had somehow slithered out of their grasp again; like a cat with nine lives, he just won't be struck down. As for the Outlaws and ISFL fans across the league though, they're celebrating, rejoicing as their favorite football vampire is set free to wreak havoc on civilized society once more. Five more years, five more years of brutal, gratifying slaughter on and off the pitch are coming up, and there is nothing law enforcement can do to stop it.
In unrelated news, an Amazon van was seen delivering a package to Passmann's gigantic, blood-red mansion on the outskirts of Santa Fe, which was labelled "CAUTION! FLAMMABLE! HIGHLY COMBUSTIBLE!" and had biohazard, radioactive, and poison stickers slapped all over it. A shipment which appeared to be a very-sharp katana in a carrying case was also dropped off on the same day. These seem like totally normal purchases and definitely won't be used to cause any trouble. Who knows why people are saying the pardon emboldened him and that he now feels he can act with impunity. That is definitely not substantiated by this first stuff he ordered off the internet after.