Chunt Rambles: The Badger Strike Back
Greetings fellow members of the International Simulation Football League. It is I, your Royal Badgerness, Chunt The Badger, back by (what all of us can agree) popular demand. The last time I made an appearance in the media section of this league was my attempt at a mock draft with that well-known speciest that identifies as iStegosauruz. For those of you that are not aware, that scoundrel was not very accepting of my view that Chunt will be the first pick by every team. He clearly did not specify a mock draft had to be a realistic draft (I mean the word mock is in there for Badger sake.) Further, there is no actual rule that Chunt can’t play for every team. However, being that my services were not profitable enough for me to buy equipment due to my recent gambling endeavours, I have come back to grace you all with my lovely rambles. My last installment of these was quite entertaining so I hope I can continue on with the trend. This article will consist of 5 different rambles (saving the best ramble for last.)Ramble 1: Give The Badger The Aux
To any new readers of mine, I wanted to start off this piece of rambles with one that we can all agree on: the games should have more music. It has been brought to my attention that the league is only allowed to use royalty free music, however, as stated above, I am a Royal Badger and declare that I should be allowed to pick the music for the games. Unlike the horrendous libel that has been said about my music choice by one unnamed speciest in the Dallas locker room, I have incredible taste. To be frank, the current music choices remind me of a dark time in my life where I was convinced I was destined to be the party badger of the century. In order to avoid these spicy deja vu moments, I will personally take the time to select music we are legally allowed to use (although who dosen’t love breaking a law from time to time.) I will be honest, if it comes down to it, I will make my own music and live perform it over the streams. I can half way sing but I was once told I sound like the old Kanye West and that’s good enough for me. Further, I will be more than willing to add my own flare of commentary for the games, getting inspiration from the incredible Dallas-London Anniversary Games stream. I think it will add a touch of community and help those new to the league understand what is happening. After all, who doesn't want a badger narrating to you how dot football works.
Ramble 2: My Incredible, Showstopping, Marvelous DSFL Season
This season was like no other for the Dallas Birddogs. Not only did they have the greatest badger to ever play the beautiful game of football by drafting me 4th overall, but Dallas had one of the best records in franchise history, with a regular season record of 11-3, placing top of their conference. Even better, this team was able to win their first ever playoff game by the help of an incredible game winning touchdown by no other than yours truly. While we cannot fully predict what will happen in the Season 27 Ultimini, everyone in Dallas should be proud of the work we put in this season to get this far and make franchise history. Within this ramble I do feel the need to address the challenges I faced mid season when it came to my performances. There was an initial hurdle of catching balls that I had issues with. I didn’t realize that I was not allowed to use my claws to stabilize catches. Dallas became upset with how many of their practice balls were deflated later on. I will not specifically state I was the reason for Dallas’s mini deflategate but alas, once I started wearing gloves (in part to not have the lube make me lose grip) the Dallas balls were fully inflated.
In addition, I find it of the utmost importance to inform the league about the extremely impressive and (hopefully if the GMs agree) award winning season that I had. To talk about stats for all of you that actually care, Chunt had 111 catches for 1405 yards. This may seem like a good stat line to the majority of you, but after doing some digging, these stats shatter the all time records for catches and yards by a Wide Receiver for a DSFL season. (I’m currently unable to find the stats of the records I broke but you can contact Steg for these.) Chunt also had an additional 3 touchdowns in the final regular game of the season, adding up his total to 10 touchdowns. For a true rookie, it is absolutely insane to see the stats this badger put up. While I had no reservations I would finish the season as not only the best Badger but best Wide Receiver in this league, it’s an incredible feeling to have the stats to back up my belief.
Ramble 3: The League’s Most Sexiest Badger Award Part II (Included With My Second Acceptance Speech)
Within my first ever “Chunt Rambles” media article, I explained my frustrations with the leagues speciest award system. This year, although better because I do qualify for a variety of awards, still struggling with many of the issues of last season. If any of you dear members of the ISFL remember, I declared myself as the league’s “Most Sexiest Badger.” Being that I am the Dallas representative for this years awards ceremony, I aimed my hardest to make this an official category but was shut down faster than hole in the wall pizza place with a failing health inspection rating. Therefore, I am once again declaring myself as the brightest and sexiest badger of the league. There are serious issues that remain at the end of this season when it comes to the speciest rhetoric of HO. While my precious team are strong allies of #TeamBadger, it appears that dino foil in my life has infiltrated the main office, releasing all of my complaints before they can reach the commissioner. It is with that I must reiterate the need to put Dino on a leash, with myself at the reigns. (And no this is not some kink I have, we just need to control him to do what we want so rookies can have our revolution.)
Ramble 4: The Upcoming ISFL Draft
With the regular season at a close, it is time for yet another draft. This time, I will have the absolute pleasure to be drafted by one of the various ISFL teams. I’ve made my mark on the DSFL so now we all know I should be in the league higher. Now I have been asked by multiple users as to where I am going, trying to sniff it out of me. The truth is any team would be blessed for me to prance on their fields, significantly raising their sexiness-level. Although there are a few teams that have yet to scout me (clearly a major error on their part) I will not explicitly name who for various reasons. So what if the meat cutters, sea possums, and the Walmart John Wayne’s have not taken the time to offer me a silver platter of reasons as to why I should be on their team. I will more than likely be a first rounder so it is ultimately their loss.For those of you truly curious, there are quite a few teams that truly have taken by tiny little mammal heart. Now in order to not jinx my chances of falling into the arms of their locker room, I will refrain from even mentioning who they are (although I have a good feeling some of them know who they are.) Instead, stealing this concept from BigRed because I am uncreative, I would love to ramble about the top scouts (in no particular order.)
1. Mojojojo (Sarasota Sailfish): Mojo and I had a wonderful scouting conversation in my humblest of opinions. No, this is not a plea to have her grade my article and give me a bonus (but if you are, please do. I need money to buy equipment.) I’m aware this season was one of her first times scouting and she did an incredible job of mixing both the typical scouting questions and have a full conversation to get to know me as a player. She was even there a few days later when I had certain worries about being a player and was able to calm them with ease. Overall, anyone would be lucky to be scouted by her.
2. Excelsior (Baltimore Hawks): Excel is a former Birddogs so I knew the conversation was going to go well. Although he appears to love Steg more than me in this league, I was willing to look past it. This, too, was one of his first times scouting and he did an incredible job as well. I even talked later with Hall on how he deserved a raise (because apparently Baltimore only pays him minimum wage, a disgrace.) He did a great job of selling the Hawks to me, especially given the drama surrounding last season, and how the hot new management is going to spice up the team. Overall, Excel (despite being a spreadsheet) can spit out more than just facts.
3. Zayn (New York Silverbacks): One of the first scouts to take the time to reach out, talking with Zayn is always a joy. Besides his stellar meme job of the Dallas Birddogs twitter account, he is one of the most noblest allies of #TeamBadger. Zayn, whether or not New York can get their hands on this badger, you did a fun job of scouting for all things considered. It is with that, I end your ramble with a lovely “badger, badger, badger.”
4. Fly (Yellowknife Wraiths): Fly was also one of the first scouts to talk to me. After getting the initial scouting conversations down, we had one of the most fun conversations about how nice it will be to have a future team I’m on beat a certain someone. I do feel slightly bad because he said he would invite me to their LR but I am somehow already a member but we will see what happens.
Overall, I genuinely do not have an idea as to where I will end up come to the draft. It seems that this is a tough one so I will not be getting my little badger hopes and dreams up. In the meantime, I’m focusing on winning the Ultimini and enjoying my time in the off season.
Ramble 5 (The Best Ramble): My Personal Grievances With iStegosauruz
Finally, the moment I’m sure most of you have been expecting. The ramble dealing with Steg. It is no secret he is the one who brought me into this league so I feel as though I am one of the only users that can truly inform you all on how he is. This will be a three sub-part ramble about him due to the pent up grievances I have.Sub Ramble 1: The Lack of a Podcast
Now, if any of you are avid podcast listeners like myself, you would know that a few weeks ago, Steg posted a thread to ask us questions for an upcoming podcast (which can be found here) However, that podcast has yet to be recorded. I am honestly disturbed at the time it has taken for this speciest to get around to talking to me about this. I have been ready to talk the league’s ear off for the past few weeks, even brainstorming embarrassing stories about my would-be cohost (which has only increased in volume due to the vast amount of time given for me to think.) Please, everyone, spam his discord demanding the recording of this iconic pod.Sub Ramble 2: The Refusal To Fund My Endeavours
Recently, I have begun gambling my money is a smart attempt to gain more. This has not proven successful. Further, what money I do have has been allocated for a drink fund to celebrate the amount of success Dallas has had this season. These things were fine until I realized how much money Steg has in his bank account. Being that he did recruit me into this league and how I just earned him 5 TPE due to me reaching above 250 TPE, it is only fair I receive some financial compensation. Steg, I am no longer asking - I am demanding you be a parental figure that compensates me through sweetener. If you won’t do a podcast with me, it is the least you can do to support your favorite sexy counterpart. Sub Ramble 3: I can't escape the Dino
This may not sound like much to you all, but I am currently unable to have any peace in this league. No matter which LR I go to, that damned dino follows me. I understand at the beginning of this league, it was I following him. I stopped this habit when the regular season began. Now that scouting is started to happen, whenever I’m invited into a new locker room (including ones Steg is not in,) he then is somehow invited to join them for what I figure to be, some sabotage to get teams to not draft me. This can not stand. HO, I am begging you to do something. While what I’m about to say could constitute as a ramble, it deserves no title. This is the badger pouring out its heart. It is no secret Steg is my part-time lover, part-time best friend (as the vast majority of you are aware.) Sometimes I worry that my jokes may be too far in this league although I do run them by him for the most part. Some people have indirectly pointed this out and I’m beginning to feel guilty. In truth, I wouldn’t be half of the player I am without him. The past few weeks have been rough IRL and Steg has been the one making sure I stay active. He’s the best emotional support dino I could have asked for and I adore him with all of my heart. In turn, I mean the following statement to the deepest part of my heart: iStegosauruz is the best sim tester in the league. Full. Fucking. Stop.
We have come to the end of yet another Chunt Rambles article. If you haven’t noticed already from the title, I’m beginning a new trend of naming these rambles as Badger inspired remixes of Star Wars titles (stay tuned for Chunt Rambles: Return of the Badger.) As the season comes to a close, I’m getting really excited to see which team all the rookies and I get drafted to. Further, I promise it will not be so long of a wait for my next article. Good day.