Please gieb 1.5x monies, thx.
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Whussup y'all? Juno Hu this is. Since I'm now drafted, I can let y'all know my thoughts on round 1 and my grades for each pick. Apparently we get paid even less than we do in the DSFL so my broke ass needs a second job, and apparently shitposting pays better than the ISFL. I know what I'ma do when I retire... Why the hell am I even playing professional football, anyway? Football is dead! What a stupid career choice, risking brain damage when I can get it from interacting with the degenerate pits of the internet instead. What a world we live in.
Anyway, onward we go!
Pick #1, Baltimore Hawks select Luke Quick, WR
Honestly this pick is absolute garbage. How the hell you gonna draft a receiver with ONE HAND #1 OVERALL? Are the Hawks involved in some kinda Disability Employment Government Act or something? Plus his game on the field is mad cheap. You guys ain't see?? Man, since he got no hand, he'll be "stiffarmin" people right, but his nub go right through the hole in people's facemasks! It's like, how is that balanced? Luckily I wear a visor for every game against him so it don't affect me but it does affect all the other lesser beings in the league, and I am a champion of equality. Even when he push off, its basically like a fist instead of an open palm. I might as well start swinging fists when I'm pressin' if its gonna keep up like that, but I swear these refs are in on it, too. I don't know how the hell the league let him keep gettin away with it, unless...there's somethin' else at hand. Must be part of that dirt! Open your eyes!
Grade: A+ (so the government don't come after me. I pay my taxes, I swear.)
Pick #2, Baltimore Hawks via Austin Copperheads select Bush Goos, RB
What in the hell kinda name is Bush Goos anyway, sounds like a new STD. This guy wasn't even good enough to get the starting job on his own team! And you're gonna pick him #2??? The Hawks might as well swap leagues with Tijuana at this point. An absolute shitshow. They really need to replace whatever they're passin' around the Baltimore war room with Tijuana snow. Use promo code "JunoHu" for 20% off your purchases. Also, FREE SHIPPINGif you spend at least $10k!
Grade: F-
Pick #3, Orange County Otters select Anton Bruckner, CB
SMH, you had the opportunity to pick me, the clearly superior CB, and instead you went with Bruckner. I sent some new glasses for your scouts, they on the way. Tracking number is: 1Z0C0SUX0342069420. Be on the lookout! I went with Ground shipping because I can't afford to pay for Next Day Air until I get my signing bonus unfortunately.
Grade: F-
Pick #4, Philadelphia Liberty select Xavier Walls, DE
Talk about an impactful pick! This pick is gonna be felt for years, by way of Liberty fans saying, "Ah jeez why the hell didn't we pick Juno when we had the chance, especially after the OCO blunder!" An absolute disaster. I expect their GM to resign before the year is over for this egregious mistake.
Grade: F-
Pick #5, Arizona Outlaws via Berlin Fire Salamanders select Glenn Smart, DE
Arizona made the absolute right choice by trading up, but musta gotten fooled hard by Glenn's last name here. I imagine their war room conversation went something like this:
Dumb GM: Yo we moved up to #5! We're on the clock, we drafting who?
Big Brain Advisor: Fuck yeah! Smart!!
Dumb GM: Alright! Here we go!
Announcer: The Arizona Outlaws select Glenn Smart, DE, London Royals.
Big Brain Advisor: You fool!!! Ya dun goofed!!!! The consequences will never be the same!!!!
Grade: G (Biggest Goof in ISFL history?)
Pick #6, New York Silverbacks select Mongo, DE
I bet Sam Howitzer is a huge fan of this pick, having to spend yet another year runnin' for his life. I bet he was rootin' for my boy Cade Williams here and is now sorely disappointed! I don't know what the hell New York is thinkin', or maybe they weren't. Way to protect your franchise QB with this pick! At the very least, if you reeeeally didn't need a CB (and why wouldn't you just replace one of your CBs with me? Makes no sense whatsoever), you could've still drafted me and then traded me for tons of future draft capital, somethin' in the ballpark of the next 3 first round picks. Either way, a ripe opportunity to secure your future and the Silverbacks didn't do it. Shameful!
Grade: F-
Pick #7, San Jose Sabercats select Juno Hu, CB
The absolute biggest steal of the draft, bar none. Can't believe the dude fell this far in the draft. They say the luckiest number is 7, and it certainly rings true for San Jose. Don't be surprised if you don't even see San Jose's offense on the field this year, as Juno will likely end every drive with pick 6s or punt return touchdowns. Honestly, this dude is unbelievable. An otherworldly specimen. He basically takes away 1 whole side of the field, the defensive side of the line of scrimmage. He's everywhere on the field, so much so that one time, his team got wrongfully flagged for 12 men on the field. He even reached out to a few QBs in the offseason so they can practice throwing to him. The generosity of this man is through the roof. Honestly there needs to be a Universal Simulation Football League so that this guy can get some real competition to play against 'cause his play is just outta this world. Those of you in possession of his Dotts card, hope you guys have diamond hands, cuz the value of that card is going to the moon!
Grade: SSJ5+
Pick #8, Yellowknife Wraiths select Andrew Warthol, DE
Looks like Yellowknife was trying to think of the future with this pick, but their OL is aging way faster than their DE, so I'm gonna have to say that it was a huge mistake not drafting Cade Williams here. Now maybe you're thinking, surely they can't be blamed for not drafting you, because San Jose took you before they got to pick, and to that I say, of course I can. They had 6 opportunities to trade up to snag me before San Jose got the biggest steal of their franchise's existence, but they join the rest of the league so far in making one of the biggest blunders in ISFL history. And not drafting Cade is just adding insult to injury.
Grade: F-
Pick #9, Berlin Fire Salamanders via Arizona Outlaws select Troy Abed, QB
Alright, I'll be honest, I'm a little glad they didn't trade up for me because I really didn't wanna have to learn German and be so far away from home, but that just means they clearly should've picked Cade Williams. Can't believe the audacity to draft a quarterback in the first round when Kaepercolin still has a few years left in the tank. Did he take a knee in a game when he wasn't supposed to or somethin'? I haven't been keeping up with current events.
Grade: F-
Pick #10, Chicago Butchers select Dexter Hall, LB
Chicago has a really solid OL and a fairly solid secondary, so I can't fault them too much here for picking the best player available based on positional needs. Dexter Hall is an absolute monster and was able to steal quite a few plays from me when we shared a locker room in Jakarta, but to be fair, it was the prospect bowl and I didn't wanna be playin' all out in such meaningless games. But that's just a testament to how hard Dexter works. He'll be killin' it in Chicago. CUT! THAT! MEAT!
Grade: A-
Pick #11, Colorado Yeti select Manhattan Project, RB
You guys ever heard of the Cheyenne Mountain Complex? It's a Space Force bunker located in Colorado where worldly figures like me will be evacuated to in case nuclear war took off and the world was destroyed. And Colorado, having not made the Ultimus last season, now picks up the Manhattan Project? Somethin' ain't right, that's for sure. Is their GM Gandhi? We might all need to keep an eye on them.
Grade: Sus
Pick #12, Honolulu Hahalua select Prof. Godfrey Gravity, DT
I can see DT being a need for them, but for god's sake, Honolulu is gonna be fielding Richard Littlewood and 4 turnstiles with blue and yellow jerseys this year. With the threat of global warming and ocean levels rising, attaining Cade "C-Wall" Williams would've probably been a much better idea. Oh well, it's their own grave they're digging. By they time they realize, it's gonna be far too late!
Grade: F-
Pick #13, New Orleans Second Line select Cade Williams, OL
Now, New Orleans here understands the importance of proper C-Wall's, and makes the absolute right choice here by going for Cade. He's gonna be a cornerstone of that OL for years to come. This guy's got such a great mind for The Game, not only did he just make you lose, he also consistently blocks me from making bad decisions when we're hangin' out in various late night districts in Tijuana. A real homey's homey, that dude.
Grade: SS
Pick #14, Baltimore Hawks via Sarasota Sailfish select Chunt the Badger, WR
Sarasota made a huge mistake trading away this pick, seeing as they need a 5th DB and had the opportunity to snag Romulus Roman. Liberty must've been just as baffled when they moved in to capitalize.
As for the Hawks, third time's the charm? Well it wasn't Romulus, so nope! Someone really oughta audit the Hawks. They're might be some sorta money laundering front rather than an actual football team.
Grade: F-
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Whussup y'all? Juno Hu this is. Since I'm now drafted, I can let y'all know my thoughts on round 1 and my grades for each pick. Apparently we get paid even less than we do in the DSFL so my broke ass needs a second job, and apparently shitposting pays better than the ISFL. I know what I'ma do when I retire... Why the hell am I even playing professional football, anyway? Football is dead! What a stupid career choice, risking brain damage when I can get it from interacting with the degenerate pits of the internet instead. What a world we live in.
Anyway, onward we go!
Pick #1, Baltimore Hawks select Luke Quick, WR
Honestly this pick is absolute garbage. How the hell you gonna draft a receiver with ONE HAND #1 OVERALL? Are the Hawks involved in some kinda Disability Employment Government Act or something? Plus his game on the field is mad cheap. You guys ain't see?? Man, since he got no hand, he'll be "stiffarmin" people right, but his nub go right through the hole in people's facemasks! It's like, how is that balanced? Luckily I wear a visor for every game against him so it don't affect me but it does affect all the other lesser beings in the league, and I am a champion of equality. Even when he push off, its basically like a fist instead of an open palm. I might as well start swinging fists when I'm pressin' if its gonna keep up like that, but I swear these refs are in on it, too. I don't know how the hell the league let him keep gettin away with it, unless...there's somethin' else at hand. Must be part of that dirt! Open your eyes!
Grade: A+ (so the government don't come after me. I pay my taxes, I swear.)
Pick #2, Baltimore Hawks via Austin Copperheads select Bush Goos, RB
What in the hell kinda name is Bush Goos anyway, sounds like a new STD. This guy wasn't even good enough to get the starting job on his own team! And you're gonna pick him #2??? The Hawks might as well swap leagues with Tijuana at this point. An absolute shitshow. They really need to replace whatever they're passin' around the Baltimore war room with Tijuana snow. Use promo code "JunoHu" for 20% off your purchases. Also, FREE SHIPPINGif you spend at least $10k!
Grade: F-
Pick #3, Orange County Otters select Anton Bruckner, CB
SMH, you had the opportunity to pick me, the clearly superior CB, and instead you went with Bruckner. I sent some new glasses for your scouts, they on the way. Tracking number is: 1Z0C0SUX0342069420. Be on the lookout! I went with Ground shipping because I can't afford to pay for Next Day Air until I get my signing bonus unfortunately.
Grade: F-
Pick #4, Philadelphia Liberty select Xavier Walls, DE
Talk about an impactful pick! This pick is gonna be felt for years, by way of Liberty fans saying, "Ah jeez why the hell didn't we pick Juno when we had the chance, especially after the OCO blunder!" An absolute disaster. I expect their GM to resign before the year is over for this egregious mistake.
Grade: F-
Pick #5, Arizona Outlaws via Berlin Fire Salamanders select Glenn Smart, DE
Arizona made the absolute right choice by trading up, but musta gotten fooled hard by Glenn's last name here. I imagine their war room conversation went something like this:
Dumb GM: Yo we moved up to #5! We're on the clock, we drafting who?
Big Brain Advisor: Fuck yeah! Smart!!
Dumb GM: Alright! Here we go!
Announcer: The Arizona Outlaws select Glenn Smart, DE, London Royals.
Big Brain Advisor: You fool!!! Ya dun goofed!!!! The consequences will never be the same!!!!
Grade: G (Biggest Goof in ISFL history?)
Pick #6, New York Silverbacks select Mongo, DE
I bet Sam Howitzer is a huge fan of this pick, having to spend yet another year runnin' for his life. I bet he was rootin' for my boy Cade Williams here and is now sorely disappointed! I don't know what the hell New York is thinkin', or maybe they weren't. Way to protect your franchise QB with this pick! At the very least, if you reeeeally didn't need a CB (and why wouldn't you just replace one of your CBs with me? Makes no sense whatsoever), you could've still drafted me and then traded me for tons of future draft capital, somethin' in the ballpark of the next 3 first round picks. Either way, a ripe opportunity to secure your future and the Silverbacks didn't do it. Shameful!
Grade: F-
Pick #7, San Jose Sabercats select Juno Hu, CB
The absolute biggest steal of the draft, bar none. Can't believe the dude fell this far in the draft. They say the luckiest number is 7, and it certainly rings true for San Jose. Don't be surprised if you don't even see San Jose's offense on the field this year, as Juno will likely end every drive with pick 6s or punt return touchdowns. Honestly, this dude is unbelievable. An otherworldly specimen. He basically takes away 1 whole side of the field, the defensive side of the line of scrimmage. He's everywhere on the field, so much so that one time, his team got wrongfully flagged for 12 men on the field. He even reached out to a few QBs in the offseason so they can practice throwing to him. The generosity of this man is through the roof. Honestly there needs to be a Universal Simulation Football League so that this guy can get some real competition to play against 'cause his play is just outta this world. Those of you in possession of his Dotts card, hope you guys have diamond hands, cuz the value of that card is going to the moon!
Grade: SSJ5+
Pick #8, Yellowknife Wraiths select Andrew Warthol, DE
Looks like Yellowknife was trying to think of the future with this pick, but their OL is aging way faster than their DE, so I'm gonna have to say that it was a huge mistake not drafting Cade Williams here. Now maybe you're thinking, surely they can't be blamed for not drafting you, because San Jose took you before they got to pick, and to that I say, of course I can. They had 6 opportunities to trade up to snag me before San Jose got the biggest steal of their franchise's existence, but they join the rest of the league so far in making one of the biggest blunders in ISFL history. And not drafting Cade is just adding insult to injury.
Grade: F-
Pick #9, Berlin Fire Salamanders via Arizona Outlaws select Troy Abed, QB
Alright, I'll be honest, I'm a little glad they didn't trade up for me because I really didn't wanna have to learn German and be so far away from home, but that just means they clearly should've picked Cade Williams. Can't believe the audacity to draft a quarterback in the first round when Kaepercolin still has a few years left in the tank. Did he take a knee in a game when he wasn't supposed to or somethin'? I haven't been keeping up with current events.
Grade: F-
Pick #10, Chicago Butchers select Dexter Hall, LB
Chicago has a really solid OL and a fairly solid secondary, so I can't fault them too much here for picking the best player available based on positional needs. Dexter Hall is an absolute monster and was able to steal quite a few plays from me when we shared a locker room in Jakarta, but to be fair, it was the prospect bowl and I didn't wanna be playin' all out in such meaningless games. But that's just a testament to how hard Dexter works. He'll be killin' it in Chicago. CUT! THAT! MEAT!
Grade: A-
Pick #11, Colorado Yeti select Manhattan Project, RB
You guys ever heard of the Cheyenne Mountain Complex? It's a Space Force bunker located in Colorado where worldly figures like me will be evacuated to in case nuclear war took off and the world was destroyed. And Colorado, having not made the Ultimus last season, now picks up the Manhattan Project? Somethin' ain't right, that's for sure. Is their GM Gandhi? We might all need to keep an eye on them.
Grade: Sus
Pick #12, Honolulu Hahalua select Prof. Godfrey Gravity, DT
I can see DT being a need for them, but for god's sake, Honolulu is gonna be fielding Richard Littlewood and 4 turnstiles with blue and yellow jerseys this year. With the threat of global warming and ocean levels rising, attaining Cade "C-Wall" Williams would've probably been a much better idea. Oh well, it's their own grave they're digging. By they time they realize, it's gonna be far too late!
Grade: F-
Pick #13, New Orleans Second Line select Cade Williams, OL
Now, New Orleans here understands the importance of proper C-Wall's, and makes the absolute right choice here by going for Cade. He's gonna be a cornerstone of that OL for years to come. This guy's got such a great mind for The Game, not only did he just make you lose, he also consistently blocks me from making bad decisions when we're hangin' out in various late night districts in Tijuana. A real homey's homey, that dude.
Grade: SS
Pick #14, Baltimore Hawks via Sarasota Sailfish select Chunt the Badger, WR
Sarasota made a huge mistake trading away this pick, seeing as they need a 5th DB and had the opportunity to snag Romulus Roman. Liberty must've been just as baffled when they moved in to capitalize.
As for the Hawks, third time's the charm? Well it wasn't Romulus, so nope! Someone really oughta audit the Hawks. They're might be some sorta money laundering front rather than an actual football team.
Grade: F-