03-06-2024, 04:39 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-09-2024, 05:15 PM by xenosthelegend. Edited 1 time in total.)
Transcript Below
Hewitt Herald
Daily News
“Yes, people still read the paper!”
“Your number one source for all things Hewitt!"
NO. 43
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 3rd, 2046
PRICE 10 DOLLARS
TOO BIG TO FAIL?
Rotund Routes, a wide receiver training academy owned and operated by former DSFL player, Jerry Huge Jr., has come under scrutiny for its purportedly extreme methods of conditioning, which some concerned parents have gone so far as to call “brutal.” After a session of conditioning that left one Rotund Routes participant hospitalized from extreme dehydration, many in the community have called for Huge’s resignation.
“It’s a total witch hunt,” scoffed Huge last friday when questioned by Hewitt Herald reporter Angela Barkley. “A little less water than you want? That’s the DSFL way, baby. America’s gotten too soft for the old ways.”
DSFL officials have denied Huge’s claims and affirm that the DSFL health and safety standards surpass federal regulation.
No Czechs in West
Investigation by Navarro College Professor Dr. Brendt Collins has revealed that the town of West, Texas, famous for its Czech heritage, no longer has any self-identifying Czech-American residents. This revelation has left locals stunned, with many calling for a reintroduction of Czech language classes. A4
GLIZZY GOBBLER DEFEATED BY TRACTOR
Joey Chestnut, 62, is universally regarded as the greatest competitive eater of all time.
n a pancake eating competition on Saturday, held in Dallas, Texas, the champion eater, preparing for the vaunted Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest next summer, was upset by Midway High School student and football player Big Tractor. Eating a record 142 pancakes in 10 minutes, Tractor overcame the veteran Chestnut, who trailed by only 2 pancakes.
“Got to give it to the kid,” said Chestunut after the competition. “I’m getting old. Maybe it’s time for the torch to be passed.”
From the ISFL Chess Players’ Organization
BIG PIECE
The ISFL’s “Getting Smarter” initiative, announced in 2043, has opened their first front: chess. A popular sport, both online and in the real world, chess has seen a growing appreciation among casuals and intellectuals alike. To promote game among both current and prospective players, the ISFL Chess Player’s Organization has started the Big Piece Program, a fund to promote chess clubs across the country.
Coming Soon
To 375 towns and schools across the world
Sale 50% Off
White Shirt
Said to be worn by your favorite ISFL players!
White Shirt
Said to be worn by your favorite ISFL players!