It’s the Fourth of July and everyone in Arizona has hit the streets in full force to celebrate the overrated American holiday. The pandemic is still....no I checked with the CDC and that doesn’t exist today because it’s a patriotic virus apparently so we are clear to have giant pool parties, over the top parades, and fireworks until 4 in the freaking morning.
A man was seen, mildly intoxicated, entering a store to buy fireworks. He wore a hood over his head in an attempt to disguise himself but the manager recognized him as Satanic vampire and “that football player for the Outlaws who was charged with murder and released on bail.” Passmann had loaded a basket as full as it would go with as many fireworks as he could and tried to purchase them. He claimed it was just to celebrate the holiday but it wasn’t clear he had some more nefarious plan like shooting them at any fans who not wearing Outlaws jerseys. The store manager shut him down despite him offering more than double the amount of cash to what they actually cost, saying that he “didn’t want a mass murder on his hands.”
This enraged Passmann, who proceeded to pour gasoline on the floor and drop a match in it. He was tackled by security who attempted to restrain him while the manager came out brandishing a fire extinguisher. They managed to contain the blaze until the fire department arrived and could handle it, but Passmann with his superhuman strength was able to over power his captors. He broke one security guard’s nose and kicked the other halfway across a store aisle as if he was punting a football out on the field. Maybe he should’ve been a kicker instead of a wide receiver, although they don’t score as many points and with Passmann being as vain as he is, of course he wanted the most flashy and high profile position on the field.
Passmann then scooped a few fireworks out of the basket and took off running amidst the chaos just as the fire department and the police were arriving. The police screamed at him to stop, and of course he didn’t, so they discharged their weapons. One bullet hit him in the chest but he picked it out and threw it to the pavement as if they had fired at him with nerf guns. It was not a silver bullet so he was completely unharmed by the direct hit, and the hood shielded him from the sunlight, just like his helmet does on the field, although a briefly exposed part of the skin on his left wrist was seen bubbling and blistering like tomato sauce. Passmann then launched all of the fireworks at the police, and the fire truck was fortunately just far enough away to not be consumed by the massive explosion that left a gaping crater in the parking lot.
An arrest warrant was issued for Passmann, but his lawyers are already claiming that the manager misidentified the perpetrator, and since you could not see his face clearly on surveillance footage due to the good that shrouded his face in darkness, the police detectives were forced to drop the charges due to a lack of evidence. Sure, it could have been another vampire with very very similar attire that looked enough like Passmann for the store employees to recognize him, but that seems like a lot of coincidences. We think it is very unlikely and Thomas Passmann, as usual, is guilty as sin but getting off on a technicality. Due process has worked out for him yet again, even if many of us wish that it wouldn’t and wish that someone could just make some charges stick to this sadistic fiend.
A man was seen, mildly intoxicated, entering a store to buy fireworks. He wore a hood over his head in an attempt to disguise himself but the manager recognized him as Satanic vampire and “that football player for the Outlaws who was charged with murder and released on bail.” Passmann had loaded a basket as full as it would go with as many fireworks as he could and tried to purchase them. He claimed it was just to celebrate the holiday but it wasn’t clear he had some more nefarious plan like shooting them at any fans who not wearing Outlaws jerseys. The store manager shut him down despite him offering more than double the amount of cash to what they actually cost, saying that he “didn’t want a mass murder on his hands.”
This enraged Passmann, who proceeded to pour gasoline on the floor and drop a match in it. He was tackled by security who attempted to restrain him while the manager came out brandishing a fire extinguisher. They managed to contain the blaze until the fire department arrived and could handle it, but Passmann with his superhuman strength was able to over power his captors. He broke one security guard’s nose and kicked the other halfway across a store aisle as if he was punting a football out on the field. Maybe he should’ve been a kicker instead of a wide receiver, although they don’t score as many points and with Passmann being as vain as he is, of course he wanted the most flashy and high profile position on the field.
Passmann then scooped a few fireworks out of the basket and took off running amidst the chaos just as the fire department and the police were arriving. The police screamed at him to stop, and of course he didn’t, so they discharged their weapons. One bullet hit him in the chest but he picked it out and threw it to the pavement as if they had fired at him with nerf guns. It was not a silver bullet so he was completely unharmed by the direct hit, and the hood shielded him from the sunlight, just like his helmet does on the field, although a briefly exposed part of the skin on his left wrist was seen bubbling and blistering like tomato sauce. Passmann then launched all of the fireworks at the police, and the fire truck was fortunately just far enough away to not be consumed by the massive explosion that left a gaping crater in the parking lot.
An arrest warrant was issued for Passmann, but his lawyers are already claiming that the manager misidentified the perpetrator, and since you could not see his face clearly on surveillance footage due to the good that shrouded his face in darkness, the police detectives were forced to drop the charges due to a lack of evidence. Sure, it could have been another vampire with very very similar attire that looked enough like Passmann for the store employees to recognize him, but that seems like a lot of coincidences. We think it is very unlikely and Thomas Passmann, as usual, is guilty as sin but getting off on a technicality. Due process has worked out for him yet again, even if many of us wish that it wouldn’t and wish that someone could just make some charges stick to this sadistic fiend.
![[Image: oie_vM9jbyDZvPxo.gif]](https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/517522748658941952/689169988799561805/oie_vM9jbyDZvPxo.gif)
