10-08-2022, 09:10 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-11-2022, 05:22 PM by dude_man. Edited 1 time in total.)
Code:
1505
55/45 in favor of Starboy
please note this interview was conducted before the draft
SH: Hey, lads and lasses, and welcome to the second episode of UltaWeek at Shazam with Shazam Hefner, the podcast that aims to please. We’re still here in Bondi Beach, hoping to get tickets to Arizona in a couple days. But, for now, I’m here in Bondi, and I’m enjoying my time. I’m pretty sure I’mma enjoy this one - she’s an amazing person. It’s the Queen of the Field, the Fighting Flash, don’t fuck with her because she’s got a massive fucking sword, it’s Armor Queen (@Starboy)!
AQ: Thank you for the welcome, but I assure you that Excalibur is only meant to fight for the Holy Grail. I would not use it on anyone that doesn’t pose a threat.
SH: Aw, boo. How’d you even get that sword, eh? I’ve been meaning to get something that’d look dope on my wall.
AQ: This sword chose me. I studied the ancient arts as a young child before a fateful night where I was met by a huge storm. The clouds opened up to this beautiful sword that gave me hope in those dark days. An old man by the name of Armor King helped guide me on the path as well and I took the responsibility the sword, Excalibur, gave to me!
SH: …can I buy it for 50 bucks?
AQ: Excalibur is priceless! Destiny itself has chosen me to wield it and no amount of money could turn me away from the duty I have.
SH: Aw, shucks. Oh well, I guess I’ll just call up my friend Jeffrey, he makes weird shit like that. Alright, so how you doing today? It’s a beautiful day, life is great and shit, and y’all won the Mini. It’s just been going up and up for y’all, eh?
AQ: Yes it is a beautiful day. I did not expect to win the Ultimini in my first year with the Buccaneers, but it seems that there was plenty of talent surrounding us. A proper round table of knights all fighting together, as I would put it.
SH: And it’s been an upward climb for you specifically, yeah? My notes say, and forgive me if this is kinda a sensitive topic, that your life changed when you suffered head trauma or whatever while at Cardiff Uni? Personally, head trauma would change any life, but you mind telling us more about that?
AQ: Ah that would be on my fated night when I discovered Excalibur. The rain was difficult to fight through but I managed to find my savior. The doctors all cleared me eventually once my roommate brought me in despite me telling her that it was simple devil’s magic holding me back.
SH: Wait, wait, I’m not tryna discredit your story, but lemme get this straight. While you were a student at Cardiff, you trip while walking up a hill, hit your head on some rocks, and then when you wake up, a sword just magically descends from the heavens and it presents itself to you?
And then, if it couldn’t get any crazier, some wannabe Persona Phantom Thief comes and you just…work with him?
AQ: The “phantom thief” came to assist me out of the river I found the sword in. He believed my head injury was also too much for me to bear but I found my way home with Excalibur just fine. I only follow his lead as far as this football training goes.
SH: Oh, right, football, sorry. This story is just shocking, so, yeah.
AQ: Yes, I have been told that a simple person such as myself being selected is quite shocking.
SH: Shocking for anyone, of course. Anyway…just, wow. A whole group of youngins coming into New Jersey and taking victory on the biggest stage of them all, it’s something made for TV. How did it feel to win a Mini your first year in the league?
AQ: It feels splendid to win it in my first year. I have been told to temper my expectations going forward but I do not plan on stopping my success. I hope to add many more trophies in time.
SH: I mean…you’re also a definite contender for Offensive Rookie of the Year, yeah?
AQ: I believe so, yes.
SH: Yeah, right? So, what does not just that nomination, but this season, mean to you?
AQ: It would be disappointing for all of these new records to end up resulting in the awards voters avoiding me. This season means a lot with just how hard everyone worked together. A championship team is not built on just one but many efforts together. I’m proud to be a face of that success if it means future success will come.
SH: That actually brings me to another great point: voting. Tons of the smarty-pants on ESPN SportsCenter and Get Up, myself included, see you as a definite candidate for a top-5 pick this year. How do you feel about all the hype surrounding you?
AQ: If I am a top 5 pick in this draft then it would be an honor. I know many that also have reservations about picking a running back so highly but I would be happy either way.
SH: Now, let’s talk about some off-the-field antics of yours for a bit. You said in a recent interview that, during the off-season, you wanted to “destroy local LARPers”. Care to elaborate?
AQ: They do not believe that Excalibur is real. Much like the defenses I tore through, I had to prove them wrong.
SH: Alright, now…you had a running back season for the ages. Over 1.6K, tied for most touchdowns…wow. How did you do it?
AQ: I had a lot of help that managed to make things easier. As they say, “teamwork makes the dreamwork.” You can never succeed alone.
SH: Ah, speaking of the team themselves, I’d like to get your honest opinions on them. I state a name, you give me a couple sentences. Sounds fun?
AQ: It does sound like a lot of fun. I shall play this game.
SH: First name - Jason Oexius.
AQ: An interesting character. His return skills are quite strong and I support anyone that can run as fast as him.
SH: So, what you’re saying is, you support yourself?
AQ: Perhaps. You always need to support yourself as well as your teammates.
SH: Very influential words coming from the Queen. Next, quarterback Grayson Yates.
AQ: Grayson Yates stole a few of my touchdowns later in the year to keep my numbers down, but I still think he is worthy of more. I don’t know if we will play at the next level together but I enjoy the combination we have and will miss it if we don’t continue to play.
SH: Let’s go with your receiver buddies - Derrick Prince and Dip Dhillon.
AQ: Both of them are too good as their own combination. Sometimes I imagine they would be too strong alone, so fate pushed them together.
SH: Defense time. Perkins, Stryker, TANNK.
AQ: Those are all tough fighters. Perkins and TANNK especially seem to be those that fight hard regardless of how high our score is.
SH: Alright, final guys are the d-backs. We’ve already covered X, but let’s go with other guys - Jon Altidor and Reshad Morris.
AQ: I think they both are unsung heroes for this team. Others are more concerned with some of the players we already discussed while they work as the backbone that holds the defense together.
SH: Hey, it’s a team effort, yeah? Anyways, who’d you say is your role model in life?
AQ: My role model is the hero King Arthur. He is the way that everyone should be. Valiant, righteous, and responsible with everything he did.
SH: Wait, the King Arthur from the Round Table? Only reason I know him is thanks to Monty Python.
AQ: Monty Python has ruined a lot of King Arthur but his strength is still great there.
SH: Anyway, here’s a really good question: what made you decide to play football? I mean, it says here that you’ve trained for knighthood for…like, years. What made you say “eh, fuck it, imma play football”?
AQ: Football came to me as an idea after my mentor, Armor King, suggested it would be a good way to use my knight training without having to ruin Excalibur.
SH: Well, thanks to the Phantom Thief for guiding you into the right direction. Unfortunately, we gotta wrap this up, but before we do, I have one final idea - for the next couple of minutes, I’m giving you a national soapbox for you to speak your mind. Starting…now.
AQ: With my time in the open, I would like to say that I am honored to have such success at this early stage of my career. This rookie season is standing on the lives of those that came before. I do not plan on faltering, and my next steps are wherever fate takes me!
SH: And that’s it! Thank you to Armor Queen for agreeing to do this interview, and thanks to y’all for listening! We’re gonna take this show to Arizona soon, so, get ready for that! Until then, I’m Shazam Hefner, and we’ll see you on the next episode of SHAZAM!
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