03-24-2024, 04:08 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-27-2024, 08:31 AM by lemonoppy. Edited 1 time in total.)
“We all know that you’re guilty, Bruce. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. The sooner you admit your crimes, the sooner we can get this over with.”
It was just a normal day in our perfectly normal Town of Salem. Everyone was happy and enjoying their lives bliss free. Nothing bad ever happens here. At least, that’s what everyone thought until that one fateful day…
It all began when Dashon Dehorn decided to order a large stuffed crust extra cheese pizza from Pizza Hut. Little did he know that his delivery driver would be none other than Arizona Outlaws’ star Benji Aguilera, who’s known to routinely moonlight as a pizza delivery driver in the offseason. Aguilera loaded up his car with pizza and headed out to the Dehorn residence. Unfortunately, he never made it. After waiting for 3 hours, Dashon thought to call Pizza Hut and ask where his order was. Pizza Hut manager Billy Jor-El was furious, as Aguilera should have been back hours ago. He immediately called the police, who went out in search of Aguilera. After another hour, Aguilera’s car was found wrapped around a tree by a nearby park, his body lifeless inside. Some say he blew out a tire and lost control of the vehicle. Others pondered if he had attempted to dodge one of the deer that occasionally run out into the street. A small group however felt that something sinister had taken place, and that this “accident” was anything but! Something wasn’t right in this Town of Salem anymore, and they were gonna get to the bottom of it!
Day 1
It didn’t take long for these conspiracy theorists to earn their justification, as the next morning Honolulu Hahalua rookie wide receiver JJ What was absolutely nowhere to be found. People searched far and wide for him, but the only thing anyone ever found was a single white rose on his bed. “This has to be the work of the Mafia!” someone exclaimed, and many agreed. Young investigator Warren Peace especially was convinced that the Mafia had gotten to What, and he spent hours investigating What’s house for any signs of a clue that could lead him to the culprit. Sadly, he could not find any leads, though he did learn that What was an avid beach goer and loved to surf in his free time.
While this is going on, the people gather in the town tavern to discuss who the culprits may be. “It couldn’t have been me,” says Diggs Sideline-touchdown, “I was having a wild night at home watching John Wick 3 with Liv Elsathelookout. I’m not sure why but she locked me inside when she got here…” Liv nods with a wry smile on her face. Big McLarge Huge is the next to chime in. “Well, I can say that it wasn’t Acutiramus Bohemius. I saw him pay a visit to Bruce White last night.” Bruce looks over to Big. “Wait, why were you spying on my house?” Big panics a bit. “Let’s not focus on that part right now, we got a murder to solve!” Acutiramus shakes his head. “Yes, I did in fact pay Bruce a visit last night. I had a few questions for him, and he answered them satisfactorily.”
Without a clear lead, someone suggests that they ask the local psychics for answers. After all, if you can’t find real evidence, why not try to materialize some out of nowhere! Fortunately, the Town of Salem features two prominent psychics: Donovan Winters III and Fig Newton. Donovan is the first to respond. “My crystal ball tells me that there is evil amongst us! In fact, it’s telling me that at least one of Roquefort Cotswald, Bruce White, or Ranch-Pizza Pizza-Man are evil!” Seer Ial immediately pulls a gun on Ranch-Pizza. “With a name like that it must be you!” Ranch-Pizza is in shock. “First of all, who the fuck are you? You don’t even go here! Thirdly, I did not hit her! Fourth, I don’t even know what we are talking about. And lastly, I don’t owe you a damn Cinnabon that was a birthday gift!” Everyone stares at Ranch-Pizza, feeling a little bit dumber after that interaction. Fig Newton pipes in to break the tension. “Now I don’t have a crystal ball, but my intuition tells me that our villain is one of Roquefort Cotswald, Cameron Oswald-Newton, or Diggs Sideline-touchdown. That both of us had bad vibes on you Roquefort is pretty suspicious!” Roquefort sweats a bit. “C’mon, we all know psychics aren’t a real thing! Let’s try to find some good hard evidence before we make these accusations!”
At that moment, the tavern doors burst open and Billy Ennair comes marching in. “I’ve got some bad news my dudes. Silence Suzuka is a bad man! We must get him out of here!” Silence looks up at Billy, shakes his head and goes back to his tea and sushi. “Why do you say this, Billy?” someone asks. “Listen, I’ve been working with Jason Oexius on this friendship detector, and we’ve got it working to the point that it will tell us if two people have chemistry or not. We tested it by comparing Jason to Silence, and the negative karma on that thing went bazingo. I thought the thing was gonna explode with how much it thought the two hated each other!” Everyone was skeptical about it, but eventually they agreed that Silence must be evil. As the crowd turned towards him, Silence finally spoke up. “You guys believe this crock of shit? You’re dumber than you look if you’re gonna buy this! There’s no way I could be involved in this murder; I was doing a research assignment at Willie Swaggert’s last night! I’ve got pages upon pages of info!” The crowd looks each other over, but they’ve already made a decision: Silence Suzuka is sent off to prison, never to be seen again…
Day 2
The townsfolk went to sleep that night, relieved that the assumed culprit was now behind bars. That relief did not last long though, for this night would soon be referred to as the Night the Rivers Ran Red. Gunshots frequently went off all through the night, and when all was said and done, a whopping six people were killed: Willie Swaggert, Jordan Bamford, Roquefort Cotswald, Marco Steele, John Stark VIII, and Jason Oexius. It was a horrifying scene, but one that brought even more questions into the fold. Amongst the dead, many of them wore jackets bearing the Mafia’s insignia, as if they were members themselves. As folks headed to the tavern to mourn and drink, one town member seemed to be brimming with pride. Diggs Sideline-touchdown waltzes into the tavern, spinning a six shooter around in his hand. “I’ve done it! I’ve taken Jason Oexius out of the equation. You all can relax now that that dastardly villain has been vanquished from the land!” Billy Ennair glares at him. “He was my best friend! Why the hell would you do that?! He wasn’t even in the Mafia!” Diggs sighs, “Listen, it had to be done. Now you all know better than to doublecross me!” Everyone takes a step back, unwilling to upset this rogue vigilante.
At this moment, rugged war veteran Hank Mardukas stumbles into the bar, clearly not in a great state of mind. “The demons… THE DEMONS! They keep coming and they don’t stop coming. BARKEEP! TRIPLE WHISKEY STAT!” The crowd stares over in curiosity. They all heard stories that Hank was never quite the same after his stint in Nam, but no one has ever seen him quite like this. “All of them,” Hank continued, “all of them were after me! It was more terrifying than anything I’ve ever seen in the service!” Hank chugs his first whiskey without hesitation. “There I was, minding my own business, reading Mistborn on my porch at 3 in the morning. Great book by the way, definitely recommend. In fact I’ve already sent copies to Oxford Comma and Drake Wane and they both loved it too. BARKEEP! I NEED ANOTHER!” Hank chugs his second whiskey. “So anyway I’m out here on the porch and these random ass bastards start coming to my house. If I had to guess, I’d say it was about three of them. I heard about these Mafia bitches running around so I didn’t hesitate, I just started blasting. BAM BAM BAM! All three of those bitches hit the dirt. But that…” Hank pauses, looks down for a moment, the chugs his last whiskey. “That wasn’t all. After the bastards fell, I heard another approaching. This one though…” he begins to choke up a bit. “This one… was different. There wasn’t any ill-intent in their strut, it was a straight on sprint to one of the bodies. I could… I could hear their sobbing from my porch. That man… that man was in love… and I… I…” Hank stops speaking and begins bawling intensely. Dr. Jarvis Broda slowly approaches Hank and puts his arm around him. No words were said between them, and the room let them mourn in peace.
About an hour later, Brandon Johnson enters the tavern. “Well well well,” he begins, “it looks like we were on the right track yesterday. I’ve just returned from a thorough investigation of Ranch-Pizza Pizza-Man’s humble abode, and guess what? This dude has Mafia crap all over the place! He must be stopped!” The crowd gasps. Seer Ial immediately pops in, “I knew it! Let’s get this jerk out of here!” The rest of the crowd is less enthusiastic. “Are you sure we can just trust Brandon like this?” says Bruce White. “It’s a lot of weight to just trust one person when it comes to condemning another.” Seer responds, “I trust him with my life.” Bruce ponders this questionably, but relents for now. “Still, let’s see if we have any other leads before we bury Ranch-Pizza. Say, where even is he anyway?” At that moment, Ranch-Pizza bursts into the tavern carrying multiple pizza boxes. “Anyone for a slice? They’re a Pizza-Man specialty!” Someone begins barfing in the corner of the room.
“If it’s information you all want, I’ve got it in spades!” Big McLarge Huge pulls out his laptop and brings up some video footage of three houses from the night before. “As you can see here, on the left we have Thomas Passarelli visiting Mooty Poop-Eater’s place last night. In the middle, Jarvis Broda did not receive a single visitor at all. And finally on the right, Bruce White was visited by both Liv Elsathelookout and Cameron Oswald-Newton.” Donovan Winters III looks at him in amazement. “How were you able to setup all three of these camera systems in a single night?!” “Well, I had some help from Brooks Bane and KrustyKrab Pizza. The three of us worked together to get all of these systems up and running last night.” “That’s amazing! It’ll be so useful having video evidence of all these houses every night!” Big hesitates. “Well now, well here’s the thing now. So, I had to burn a lot of hard drive space to save these videos. A LOT. So much that I might have corrupted my video capture software. It’s no big deal of course, I can fix this! It’s just… it’ll probably take me a couple days before I get all this working again.” People glare at him in disbelief. Bruce speaks up, “Well, I can confirm indeed that Liv and I had a delightful time last night, but I don’t recall Cameron paying me a visit…” Cameron looks at him. “I was there too, but it’s always work with you! I should come before work! You hurt my feelings!” Cameron storms off, gently nudging a chair out of place on his way out.
As the day goes on, people start coming back around to the “Ranch-Pizza is evil” train of thought. That is, until Thomas Passarelli asks the most fateful question of his life: “Hey guys, do you all smell that gasoline around here?” The crowd stares at him in shock and horror. “What are you talking about?” asks Dr. Jarvis Broda. “You know, it feels like someone just doused me in gasoline!” responds Thomas. Acutiramus Bohemius pops in, “Are you suggesting that we have an arsonist in our village?!” KrustyKrab Pizza sighs. “Well all, you know the rules: whoever smelt it, dealt it.” Not a single person disagrees with this infallible logic, so Thomas Passarelli is swiftly sent off to prison, never to be seen again. On his way out, an empty gas can falls out of his jacket. The town shudders, knowing they now have to be cautious of a fiery demise…
Day 3
The rest of the day goes off without a hitch, and the night is relatively uneventful. However the town does awaken to find another dead body. This time, it’s Dr. Jarvis Broda who was found dead, slain by the Mafia. “I thought we were done with those filthy Mafia bastards!” exclaims Brooks Bane. “Have no fear fellow Town members,” begins PeePee Poop-Eater Jr. “for while we have lost the great Dr. Broda, we still have myself, the critically acclaimed Poop-Eater Jr. MD! I will cure all the ailments that will befall our great town!” Warren Peace scoffs. “A doctor you say? Fat chance! I did some investigating around you last night Mr. Poop-Eater and I can confidently say that you are no medical doctor. In fact, if I was a gambling man, which I totally am, someone please take me up on this season 47 Ultimini bet I just placed, I’d wager that you are in fact a plague doctor! Guards! Take him away!” PeePee stares daggers at Warren. “The fuck you say you little bitch? I will doctor you the fuck into next Tuesday if you don’t shut the fuck up about this bullshit make believe shit!” Mooty Poop-Eater joins in as well. “Yeah shut up Warren. I happened to do some investigating around you last night and guess what? You my friend are the real arsonist around here! Guards! Take him away!” The three of them continue to bicker amongst each other for awhile.
After some time, Diggs Sideline-touchdown bursts into the tavern. “Liv Elsathelookout! You have some explaining to do! Why did you lock me inside my house last night?!” Liv looks over wryly. “We had such a great time the other night, I thought you’d want to do it again!” “Shut up! You knew damn well I was planning to take out Ranch-Pizza last night, and you stopped me from doing so! Are you secretly working for the Mafia?!” Liv takes offense to this, “How dare you accuse me of such things?! I’m just trying to live my life to the fullest!” Brandon Johnson begins tapping on the table. “Now, now, Missy, you may want to calm down. I’ve got it on good authority here that you are in fact part of the Mafia.” The crowd gasps. Acutiramus Bohemius chimes in too. “I too can confirm that you are in fact part of the Mafia.” Suddenly, Billy Ennair jumps out of the rafters onto the table, smashing it to pieces. “Whoops! I thought that table would be more sturdy! BARKEEP! YOU NEED BETTER TABLES! Anyway, yeah I also can confirm that Liv is a dirty Mafia.” Liv is in shock. “Why don’t you all just stay out of my business?! This is a hate crime!” The group begins discussing sending Liv to prison, but Diggs shakes his head. “No, I’m taking this one into my own hands. Liv wanted to have a “great time” last night, so I’m gonna show her the time of her life tonight.” Seer Ial asks, “But what about Ranch-Pizza?” Diggs looks over and thinks for a moment. Then, an idea pops in his head. “Brooks, KrustyKrab, the two of you come with me tonight. We’re gonna take both of those bastards out!”
After the dust from that pile-on settles, Bruce White begins to ponder something. “Hey Diggs, you said Liv locked you inside last night right? How did she manage to do that?” “What are you talking about Bruce?” Diggs asks. “Well, I was on guard outside your house last night, and I didn’t see a single person come or go. How is that possible?” Diggs stares him down. “It’s not possible. You’re lying. Are you one of those Mafia bastards too? Are you trying to protect Liv?!” “Whoa whoa whoa calm down now! I’m not trying to protect no one, I’m just trying to figure out what happened. You live at 420 Blaziken Avenue, yes?” Diggs glares further, “Why are you sharing my address to the world?” Bruce scoffs, “Oh please, we all know where each of us live already! Don’t act like you’re special or anything!” Diggs' anger intensifies. “Nah screw that! GUARDS! TAKE HIM AWAY!” Everyone around the tavern begins to get riled up and start shouting at each other. Barkeep Heiiajs D. Owidhuse sighs and brings out the gong.
BANG!
“Listen up y'all! You gotta cool your jets! Now, you’ve asked me to send like 30 people off to prison today. You know the limit is one a day per city ordinance. Discuss calmly who you want me to take out.” Diggs glares once more at Bruce. “I don’t trust you one bit, but I think we got bigger fish to fry.” Bruce sighs. Warren states, “It’s gotta be PeePee! He has to go!” PeePee responds, “Nah fuck that it’s Warren. Get him out of here.” Mooty agrees. “Yeah get Warren out of here!” Mooty then sneezes. “Damn it, these allergies are getting to me!” Diggs pauses for a moment. “Wait a minute… did you say allergies?” “Yes, allergies. Ever since this ga- errr… pollen took over the town I’ve been sneezing like mad!” Diggs stares him down. “There ain’t no pollen here. It’s you isn’t it? You’re allergic to gas! It all makes sense now! You’ve been sneezing for two days straight! And you were in cahoots with Thomas yesterday! You must be the arsonist! Guards! Take him away!” Everyone looks around, shrugs, then nods in agreement. Mooty Poop-Eater is taken away, but not before he let’s off one last rant:
“I am perplexed by Town of Salem, not mentioning any specific group, just how people let power get to their heads and use it to judge their decisions and not look at the actual facts and do random things to benefit them and only them. Now, in the past few weeks this has seemed to get even more rampant within the town. I’m strictly stating these facts just to help my fellow members of the arsonist guild see how the team actually is run. Our Head, Dason Dehorn, is a super chill dude and I’ve actually been in a ToS chat with him and kind of got to know him on a semi-personal level but not like other members do. Dason seems to just let things roll on unless it’s super bad which is something I don’t actually mind because it allows us members to freely express ourselves unless it gets out of hand which in my year and a half has happened twice.” The town sighs and returns home for the night.
Day 4
During the night, as promised, Diggs Sideline-touchdown did the deed and shot both Liv Elsathelookout and Ranch-Pizza Pizza-Man. No one mourned their losses after finding the Mafia insignias on the insides of their jackets. They did however mourn the loss of Big McLarge Huge, who was killed in retaliation by the Mafia. Diggs sighs. “How many of these bastards are there? We need to get to the bottom of this!” Acutiramus speaks up first. “I’ve noticed that Geoff Gopher has been suspiciously quiet, so I snooped around his place last night. He came up clean.” Geoff looks over puzzled, but doesn’t say anything. “I too took a look at someone quiet,” adds Brandon. “One Dewey Greenbeans to be specific. He too came up clean.” Dewey seems offended. “How dare you come to my place unannounced?! I am a great citizen of this town and you will respect me!” Brandon stares at him and sighs. Warren speaks up next. “I checked out Donovan Winters last night, and it does appear that he is a legitimate psychic.” Diggs nods, taking in everything and acting as the de facto leader of the group by this point. “I forgot we had those psychics. I still don’t trust them, but with no obvious leads, let’s hear from them again.” Donovan is the first to speak. “I didn’t bring it up yesterday since we already knew he was bad but my crystal ball was certain one of Ranch-Pizza Pizza-Man, Geoff Gopher, or Big McLarge Huge was evil. And Ranch-Pizza surely was.” Diggs sighs. Fig Newton comes in next. “Maybe this info will be more useful: I get the feeling that one of Seer Ial, Bruce White, or Acutiramus Bohemius is bad!” Brandon Johnson immediately interrupts him. “It’ll be a cold day in hell before you tell me Seer Ial is evil. He’s been with me this whole time. There’s zero chance he could be bad!”
Upon hearing this, Seer Ial goes on the offensive. “After what we heard yesterday, it’s gotta be Bruce, right? Like there’s no way in hell he’s telling the truth! We already know he lied about visiting Diggs yesterday!” Bruce glares at him. “Look, I don’t know what happened there. The only thing I could come up with is that someone from the Mafia hacked into my GPS and rerouted me to another home.” Seer Ial is not amused. “How is that even possible? You’d have to be crazy good at hacking in order to do that, and there’s zero chance anyone in the Mafia is that talented!” Silently, Geoff smiles in the corner of the room while sipping his vodka. “That’s the only possibility left! I know I’m a good person and I don’t deserve all this animosity!” Seer Ial scoffs. “We all know that you’re guilty, Bruce. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. The sooner you admit your crimes, the sooner we can get this over with.” Bruce is not happy. “Can’t you just put yourself in my shoes for one second?! Just once imagine a world where I am not lying! You’ve got this preconceived notion that I must be evil, and I admit the circumstances don’t look great, but just take a moment, step back, and try to see it from my point of view.” Seer sighs. “I’m trying Bruce, I really am. But I simply do not believe it. I don’t see the world where you are good existing.”
Suddenly, Acutiramus holds up his hand. “Hey guys, what’s Cameron doing?” Everyone looks over at Cameron Oswald-Newton, who appears to be using an Easy Bake Oven. Cameron looks up. “Why are you all staring at me?” Acutiramus continues, “You seem to be putting a lot of effort into that. What’s that can of liquid you got there?” Cameron looks over. “This is butter. I’m making cookies. You want cookies?” Acutiramus walks over and sniffs the can. “Uhhh… this smells like gasoline.” Cameron glares. “It’s butter. You want cookies?” Diggs stands up. “Cameron, I think you need to go.” Cameron responds. “No. I’m making cookies. Just leave me alone. I’ll give you a cookie.” “Sorry Cam, it’s time.” The guards come in and take Cameron away. “You fools weren’t ready for my cookies anyway!” The Town is shook that there was a third arsonist, but they all breathe a sigh of relief. Surely there’s no chance of a fourth arsonist… right?
Day 5
WRONG! As night fell, the skies turned from blue, to black, to red. A giant inferno took over the town, engulfing the houses of Warren Peace, Bruce White, Seer Ial, Geoff Gopher, and Brooks Bane. The blaze left little in its path, and barely a trace of any of them remained. In addition, people began to notice that Hank Mardukas was nowhere to be found. It’s widely believed that the Night the Rivers Ran Red took a huge toll on him, and that Hank could no longer deal with the stress that it caused him. As if things weren’t bad enough, a vicious plague had consumed the town, and Pestilence, Horseman of the Apocalypse had entered the fray!
PeePee Poop-Eater Jr. leaves no time making himself known. “BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR NEW OVERLORD, PEASENTS! I AM NOW IN CHARGE HERE!” A brilliant glow shined around PeePee, exuding an stunning invincibility that was impossible to ignore. Diggs scowled. “We may not be able to stop you today, but your invulnerability only lasts so long! Eventually your power will wane just enough and we’ll be able to take you down. In the meantime, we’ve got other matters to attend to. There’s still another god damn arsonist out there, and we still haven’t seen the last of this bloody Mafia! Plus whichever dipshit empowered PeePee over here. We need answers now! And I’m starting with you, Dewey! You’ve barely said shit since this whole thing started! Fess up now or get out!” Dewey Greenbeans is taken aback. “I’ll have you know that I am very important to this town, for I am married to a wonderful man!” Diggs scoffs. “Married? Nah you’re the dipshit that’s helping Urine Boy over here.” “DO NOT TARNISH MY NAME WITH YOUR FILTH YOU FUCK FACE!” Diggs tries hard to keep his composure. “Regardless, you’re not the problem for today Dewey. We need to rid ourselves of either this arsonist or this Mafia douche.”
The remaining members of town begin to state their cases. Billy Ennair starts things off. “I immediately started things off by throwing Silence Suzuka out of town, then also assisted in getting rid of Liv. There’s no way I could be Mafia after that!” Diggs nods and looks at KrustyKrab Pizza. “I helped you kill Ranch-Pizza and Liv.” Diggs nods and moves on to Donovan Winters III. “My crystal ball has not led me astray yet, and Warren Peace even said himself that I was a real psychic.” Diggs pauses for a moment, then nods. He looks at Brandon Johnson next. “I outed both Ranch-Pizza and Liv. You wouldn’t have shot them if you didn’t have my info.” Diggs nods. Fig Newton is next. “My psychic powers have proven true so far! I’m totally real!” Diggs stares, unconvinced. Last up is Acutiramus Bohemius, “I too was quick to get rid of Liv. That ole lass deserved it!” Diggs pauses for a second. “You know, now that I think back, you did say that Geoff Gopher was an innocent man. Wasn’t he found to be part of the Mafia?” Acutiramus begins to sweat. “What are you talking about? Why I never said such things! You’ve got the wrong guy here! Clearly Fig Newton and Dewey Greenbeans are the ones to blame here!” Diggs isn’t having it. “Nah my guy, you’re the bad one here. Get out before I shoot you. Acutiramus scoffs. “I can’t believe you’ve done this! My lawyer will see you in court!” He begins to storm off before he’s apprehended by the guards. As they grab him, another gas can falls to the ground. Diggs smiles and the town breathes a sigh of relief. That sigh is short lived, as PeePee shouts, “MAFIA! DO NOT KILL BRANDON JOHNSON OR BILLY ENNAIR! LEAVE THEM FOR ME! MWHAHAHA!” “Well I don’t like that…” Billy mutters as they all leave the tavern.
Day 6
The next day comes quicker than anyone anticipated. True to his word, Brandon Johnson was absolutely obliterated by Pestilence, Horseman of the Apocalypse. Surprisingly though, Billy Ennair was just killed outright by the Mafia. PeePee is unamused. “MAFIA! WHAT A FOOLISH MOVE! YOU MAY WELL HAVE PERISHED HAD MY INDECISION DROVE ME THE OTHER DIRECTION! YOU DUMB FUCK!” Diggs is frustrated. “Man, that was our last shot. We still can’t touch PeePee thanks to Dewey empowering him, and even if we get rid of the last Mafia in Fig, we just get overwhelmed by PeePee tomorrow! There’s no way we get out of this.” Dewey stands up. “No, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not the one helping PeePee here. Like I said, I’m married to someone else in this town.” Dewey stands up and begins shouting. “No, you fucking aren’t. You’re PeePee’s jerk and you’ve done absolutely nothing to help us this whole week! Leave me alone, I’m done leading this town.” Dewey isn’t having it. “Lead this town? What as the Mafia? Why should I even trust you? Why am I the bad guy and not you?!” Diggs clenches a fist. “I AM THIS MOST TRUSTED PERSON HERE! I KILLED TWO MAFIA! I’VE BEEN LEADING THIS CHARGE THE WHOLE DAMN TIME! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME!”
At that moment, KrustyKrab Pizza walks in. “Hey now guys, let’s just calm down here. Everything will be ok. As long as we all agree to get rid of Fig Newton, everything will be ok.” Diggs sighs. “No, it won’t. Even if we get rid of Fig, PeePee kills one of us tonight and there’s nothing else we can do. Dewey follows PeePee to the grave.” KrustyKrab shakes his head. “Just have faith Diggs, we can do this. As long as we’re correct that Fig is the last Mafia and not Donovan, then we will be ok.” Diggs scoffs. “We know it’s not Donovan, Warren confirmed that for us. But it doesn’t matter, we don’t have any hope left.” KrustKrab ponders for a moment. “Alright, you know what? Screw it. We’ve been keeping it secret because we didn’t want to be targeted, but if I don’t do this now, our town is doomed. Dewey Greenbeans is not in cahoots with PeePee. Dewey is my husband. We got engaged earlier this week, but we’ve kept it on the downlow since all these murders have been going around. If you are certain that Donovan is good, then that means there’s four of us and two of them. We get rid of Fig today and by tomorrow PeePee’s power will be reduced just enough that the guards can get rid of him too! C’mon Diggs, let’s do this!”
Fig Newton, however, is not too happy with this plan. “Where the hell do you guys get off calling me Mafia? I have been a loyal and prominent member of this town for ages! Hell I built this damn tavern with my own bear hands! And by that, I mean I paid Luigi Lanikai to build it for me. You have no right to accuse me of anything! Have my psychic powers not been spot on this whole time?” Donovan scoffs. “There’s only room for one psychic here! Begone villain!” Fig is taken aback. He tries one final gambit. “Alright, you got me. I’m not a real psychic. But I’m not a Mafia either! It is me, I’m the one who has been empowering PeePee this whole time! You can try to throw me out, but if you do he’ll still overwhelm you all!” PeePee stares at him, knowing he’s lying but staying quiet for once. Diggs shakes his head. “Sorry Fig, but it just has to be you. Everyone else is accounted for. It is time.” Fig rages. “Well, then you’ll never catch me alive, punks!” He begins to take out a gun, but the guards swarm and subdue him before taking him away.
And with that, PeePee Poop-Eater Jr. lets out a sigh. “FOOLISH MORTALS! IT SEEMS THAT I AM BESTED! AND I WAS THIS CLOSE TO FINISHING THE JOB! ALAS, I WILL GO QUIETLY! FAREWELL!” PeePee then gets on his horse and rides off into the sunset. Donovan stares after him. “For someone who is “going quietly”, he sure did shout a lot there. Diggs sighs, “At least it’s finally over. Good job guys, this was one hell of a week.” Heiiajs D. Owidhuse comes out from behind the bar. “Drinks all around eh! That was quite fun. I’ll bring the Necromancers out to revive everyone and we’ll do it all again next week!” The remaining four toast to that and take one last drink.
It was just a normal day in our perfectly normal Town of Salem. Everyone was happy and enjoying their lives bliss free. Nothing bad ever happens here. At least, that’s what everyone thought until that one fateful day…
It all began when Dashon Dehorn decided to order a large stuffed crust extra cheese pizza from Pizza Hut. Little did he know that his delivery driver would be none other than Arizona Outlaws’ star Benji Aguilera, who’s known to routinely moonlight as a pizza delivery driver in the offseason. Aguilera loaded up his car with pizza and headed out to the Dehorn residence. Unfortunately, he never made it. After waiting for 3 hours, Dashon thought to call Pizza Hut and ask where his order was. Pizza Hut manager Billy Jor-El was furious, as Aguilera should have been back hours ago. He immediately called the police, who went out in search of Aguilera. After another hour, Aguilera’s car was found wrapped around a tree by a nearby park, his body lifeless inside. Some say he blew out a tire and lost control of the vehicle. Others pondered if he had attempted to dodge one of the deer that occasionally run out into the street. A small group however felt that something sinister had taken place, and that this “accident” was anything but! Something wasn’t right in this Town of Salem anymore, and they were gonna get to the bottom of it!
Day 1
It didn’t take long for these conspiracy theorists to earn their justification, as the next morning Honolulu Hahalua rookie wide receiver JJ What was absolutely nowhere to be found. People searched far and wide for him, but the only thing anyone ever found was a single white rose on his bed. “This has to be the work of the Mafia!” someone exclaimed, and many agreed. Young investigator Warren Peace especially was convinced that the Mafia had gotten to What, and he spent hours investigating What’s house for any signs of a clue that could lead him to the culprit. Sadly, he could not find any leads, though he did learn that What was an avid beach goer and loved to surf in his free time.
While this is going on, the people gather in the town tavern to discuss who the culprits may be. “It couldn’t have been me,” says Diggs Sideline-touchdown, “I was having a wild night at home watching John Wick 3 with Liv Elsathelookout. I’m not sure why but she locked me inside when she got here…” Liv nods with a wry smile on her face. Big McLarge Huge is the next to chime in. “Well, I can say that it wasn’t Acutiramus Bohemius. I saw him pay a visit to Bruce White last night.” Bruce looks over to Big. “Wait, why were you spying on my house?” Big panics a bit. “Let’s not focus on that part right now, we got a murder to solve!” Acutiramus shakes his head. “Yes, I did in fact pay Bruce a visit last night. I had a few questions for him, and he answered them satisfactorily.”
Without a clear lead, someone suggests that they ask the local psychics for answers. After all, if you can’t find real evidence, why not try to materialize some out of nowhere! Fortunately, the Town of Salem features two prominent psychics: Donovan Winters III and Fig Newton. Donovan is the first to respond. “My crystal ball tells me that there is evil amongst us! In fact, it’s telling me that at least one of Roquefort Cotswald, Bruce White, or Ranch-Pizza Pizza-Man are evil!” Seer Ial immediately pulls a gun on Ranch-Pizza. “With a name like that it must be you!” Ranch-Pizza is in shock. “First of all, who the fuck are you? You don’t even go here! Thirdly, I did not hit her! Fourth, I don’t even know what we are talking about. And lastly, I don’t owe you a damn Cinnabon that was a birthday gift!” Everyone stares at Ranch-Pizza, feeling a little bit dumber after that interaction. Fig Newton pipes in to break the tension. “Now I don’t have a crystal ball, but my intuition tells me that our villain is one of Roquefort Cotswald, Cameron Oswald-Newton, or Diggs Sideline-touchdown. That both of us had bad vibes on you Roquefort is pretty suspicious!” Roquefort sweats a bit. “C’mon, we all know psychics aren’t a real thing! Let’s try to find some good hard evidence before we make these accusations!”
At that moment, the tavern doors burst open and Billy Ennair comes marching in. “I’ve got some bad news my dudes. Silence Suzuka is a bad man! We must get him out of here!” Silence looks up at Billy, shakes his head and goes back to his tea and sushi. “Why do you say this, Billy?” someone asks. “Listen, I’ve been working with Jason Oexius on this friendship detector, and we’ve got it working to the point that it will tell us if two people have chemistry or not. We tested it by comparing Jason to Silence, and the negative karma on that thing went bazingo. I thought the thing was gonna explode with how much it thought the two hated each other!” Everyone was skeptical about it, but eventually they agreed that Silence must be evil. As the crowd turned towards him, Silence finally spoke up. “You guys believe this crock of shit? You’re dumber than you look if you’re gonna buy this! There’s no way I could be involved in this murder; I was doing a research assignment at Willie Swaggert’s last night! I’ve got pages upon pages of info!” The crowd looks each other over, but they’ve already made a decision: Silence Suzuka is sent off to prison, never to be seen again…
Day 2
The townsfolk went to sleep that night, relieved that the assumed culprit was now behind bars. That relief did not last long though, for this night would soon be referred to as the Night the Rivers Ran Red. Gunshots frequently went off all through the night, and when all was said and done, a whopping six people were killed: Willie Swaggert, Jordan Bamford, Roquefort Cotswald, Marco Steele, John Stark VIII, and Jason Oexius. It was a horrifying scene, but one that brought even more questions into the fold. Amongst the dead, many of them wore jackets bearing the Mafia’s insignia, as if they were members themselves. As folks headed to the tavern to mourn and drink, one town member seemed to be brimming with pride. Diggs Sideline-touchdown waltzes into the tavern, spinning a six shooter around in his hand. “I’ve done it! I’ve taken Jason Oexius out of the equation. You all can relax now that that dastardly villain has been vanquished from the land!” Billy Ennair glares at him. “He was my best friend! Why the hell would you do that?! He wasn’t even in the Mafia!” Diggs sighs, “Listen, it had to be done. Now you all know better than to doublecross me!” Everyone takes a step back, unwilling to upset this rogue vigilante.
At this moment, rugged war veteran Hank Mardukas stumbles into the bar, clearly not in a great state of mind. “The demons… THE DEMONS! They keep coming and they don’t stop coming. BARKEEP! TRIPLE WHISKEY STAT!” The crowd stares over in curiosity. They all heard stories that Hank was never quite the same after his stint in Nam, but no one has ever seen him quite like this. “All of them,” Hank continued, “all of them were after me! It was more terrifying than anything I’ve ever seen in the service!” Hank chugs his first whiskey without hesitation. “There I was, minding my own business, reading Mistborn on my porch at 3 in the morning. Great book by the way, definitely recommend. In fact I’ve already sent copies to Oxford Comma and Drake Wane and they both loved it too. BARKEEP! I NEED ANOTHER!” Hank chugs his second whiskey. “So anyway I’m out here on the porch and these random ass bastards start coming to my house. If I had to guess, I’d say it was about three of them. I heard about these Mafia bitches running around so I didn’t hesitate, I just started blasting. BAM BAM BAM! All three of those bitches hit the dirt. But that…” Hank pauses, looks down for a moment, the chugs his last whiskey. “That wasn’t all. After the bastards fell, I heard another approaching. This one though…” he begins to choke up a bit. “This one… was different. There wasn’t any ill-intent in their strut, it was a straight on sprint to one of the bodies. I could… I could hear their sobbing from my porch. That man… that man was in love… and I… I…” Hank stops speaking and begins bawling intensely. Dr. Jarvis Broda slowly approaches Hank and puts his arm around him. No words were said between them, and the room let them mourn in peace.
About an hour later, Brandon Johnson enters the tavern. “Well well well,” he begins, “it looks like we were on the right track yesterday. I’ve just returned from a thorough investigation of Ranch-Pizza Pizza-Man’s humble abode, and guess what? This dude has Mafia crap all over the place! He must be stopped!” The crowd gasps. Seer Ial immediately pops in, “I knew it! Let’s get this jerk out of here!” The rest of the crowd is less enthusiastic. “Are you sure we can just trust Brandon like this?” says Bruce White. “It’s a lot of weight to just trust one person when it comes to condemning another.” Seer responds, “I trust him with my life.” Bruce ponders this questionably, but relents for now. “Still, let’s see if we have any other leads before we bury Ranch-Pizza. Say, where even is he anyway?” At that moment, Ranch-Pizza bursts into the tavern carrying multiple pizza boxes. “Anyone for a slice? They’re a Pizza-Man specialty!” Someone begins barfing in the corner of the room.
“If it’s information you all want, I’ve got it in spades!” Big McLarge Huge pulls out his laptop and brings up some video footage of three houses from the night before. “As you can see here, on the left we have Thomas Passarelli visiting Mooty Poop-Eater’s place last night. In the middle, Jarvis Broda did not receive a single visitor at all. And finally on the right, Bruce White was visited by both Liv Elsathelookout and Cameron Oswald-Newton.” Donovan Winters III looks at him in amazement. “How were you able to setup all three of these camera systems in a single night?!” “Well, I had some help from Brooks Bane and KrustyKrab Pizza. The three of us worked together to get all of these systems up and running last night.” “That’s amazing! It’ll be so useful having video evidence of all these houses every night!” Big hesitates. “Well now, well here’s the thing now. So, I had to burn a lot of hard drive space to save these videos. A LOT. So much that I might have corrupted my video capture software. It’s no big deal of course, I can fix this! It’s just… it’ll probably take me a couple days before I get all this working again.” People glare at him in disbelief. Bruce speaks up, “Well, I can confirm indeed that Liv and I had a delightful time last night, but I don’t recall Cameron paying me a visit…” Cameron looks at him. “I was there too, but it’s always work with you! I should come before work! You hurt my feelings!” Cameron storms off, gently nudging a chair out of place on his way out.
As the day goes on, people start coming back around to the “Ranch-Pizza is evil” train of thought. That is, until Thomas Passarelli asks the most fateful question of his life: “Hey guys, do you all smell that gasoline around here?” The crowd stares at him in shock and horror. “What are you talking about?” asks Dr. Jarvis Broda. “You know, it feels like someone just doused me in gasoline!” responds Thomas. Acutiramus Bohemius pops in, “Are you suggesting that we have an arsonist in our village?!” KrustyKrab Pizza sighs. “Well all, you know the rules: whoever smelt it, dealt it.” Not a single person disagrees with this infallible logic, so Thomas Passarelli is swiftly sent off to prison, never to be seen again. On his way out, an empty gas can falls out of his jacket. The town shudders, knowing they now have to be cautious of a fiery demise…
Day 3
The rest of the day goes off without a hitch, and the night is relatively uneventful. However the town does awaken to find another dead body. This time, it’s Dr. Jarvis Broda who was found dead, slain by the Mafia. “I thought we were done with those filthy Mafia bastards!” exclaims Brooks Bane. “Have no fear fellow Town members,” begins PeePee Poop-Eater Jr. “for while we have lost the great Dr. Broda, we still have myself, the critically acclaimed Poop-Eater Jr. MD! I will cure all the ailments that will befall our great town!” Warren Peace scoffs. “A doctor you say? Fat chance! I did some investigating around you last night Mr. Poop-Eater and I can confidently say that you are no medical doctor. In fact, if I was a gambling man, which I totally am, someone please take me up on this season 47 Ultimini bet I just placed, I’d wager that you are in fact a plague doctor! Guards! Take him away!” PeePee stares daggers at Warren. “The fuck you say you little bitch? I will doctor you the fuck into next Tuesday if you don’t shut the fuck up about this bullshit make believe shit!” Mooty Poop-Eater joins in as well. “Yeah shut up Warren. I happened to do some investigating around you last night and guess what? You my friend are the real arsonist around here! Guards! Take him away!” The three of them continue to bicker amongst each other for awhile.
After some time, Diggs Sideline-touchdown bursts into the tavern. “Liv Elsathelookout! You have some explaining to do! Why did you lock me inside my house last night?!” Liv looks over wryly. “We had such a great time the other night, I thought you’d want to do it again!” “Shut up! You knew damn well I was planning to take out Ranch-Pizza last night, and you stopped me from doing so! Are you secretly working for the Mafia?!” Liv takes offense to this, “How dare you accuse me of such things?! I’m just trying to live my life to the fullest!” Brandon Johnson begins tapping on the table. “Now, now, Missy, you may want to calm down. I’ve got it on good authority here that you are in fact part of the Mafia.” The crowd gasps. Acutiramus Bohemius chimes in too. “I too can confirm that you are in fact part of the Mafia.” Suddenly, Billy Ennair jumps out of the rafters onto the table, smashing it to pieces. “Whoops! I thought that table would be more sturdy! BARKEEP! YOU NEED BETTER TABLES! Anyway, yeah I also can confirm that Liv is a dirty Mafia.” Liv is in shock. “Why don’t you all just stay out of my business?! This is a hate crime!” The group begins discussing sending Liv to prison, but Diggs shakes his head. “No, I’m taking this one into my own hands. Liv wanted to have a “great time” last night, so I’m gonna show her the time of her life tonight.” Seer Ial asks, “But what about Ranch-Pizza?” Diggs looks over and thinks for a moment. Then, an idea pops in his head. “Brooks, KrustyKrab, the two of you come with me tonight. We’re gonna take both of those bastards out!”
After the dust from that pile-on settles, Bruce White begins to ponder something. “Hey Diggs, you said Liv locked you inside last night right? How did she manage to do that?” “What are you talking about Bruce?” Diggs asks. “Well, I was on guard outside your house last night, and I didn’t see a single person come or go. How is that possible?” Diggs stares him down. “It’s not possible. You’re lying. Are you one of those Mafia bastards too? Are you trying to protect Liv?!” “Whoa whoa whoa calm down now! I’m not trying to protect no one, I’m just trying to figure out what happened. You live at 420 Blaziken Avenue, yes?” Diggs glares further, “Why are you sharing my address to the world?” Bruce scoffs, “Oh please, we all know where each of us live already! Don’t act like you’re special or anything!” Diggs' anger intensifies. “Nah screw that! GUARDS! TAKE HIM AWAY!” Everyone around the tavern begins to get riled up and start shouting at each other. Barkeep Heiiajs D. Owidhuse sighs and brings out the gong.
BANG!
“Listen up y'all! You gotta cool your jets! Now, you’ve asked me to send like 30 people off to prison today. You know the limit is one a day per city ordinance. Discuss calmly who you want me to take out.” Diggs glares once more at Bruce. “I don’t trust you one bit, but I think we got bigger fish to fry.” Bruce sighs. Warren states, “It’s gotta be PeePee! He has to go!” PeePee responds, “Nah fuck that it’s Warren. Get him out of here.” Mooty agrees. “Yeah get Warren out of here!” Mooty then sneezes. “Damn it, these allergies are getting to me!” Diggs pauses for a moment. “Wait a minute… did you say allergies?” “Yes, allergies. Ever since this ga- errr… pollen took over the town I’ve been sneezing like mad!” Diggs stares him down. “There ain’t no pollen here. It’s you isn’t it? You’re allergic to gas! It all makes sense now! You’ve been sneezing for two days straight! And you were in cahoots with Thomas yesterday! You must be the arsonist! Guards! Take him away!” Everyone looks around, shrugs, then nods in agreement. Mooty Poop-Eater is taken away, but not before he let’s off one last rant:
“I am perplexed by Town of Salem, not mentioning any specific group, just how people let power get to their heads and use it to judge their decisions and not look at the actual facts and do random things to benefit them and only them. Now, in the past few weeks this has seemed to get even more rampant within the town. I’m strictly stating these facts just to help my fellow members of the arsonist guild see how the team actually is run. Our Head, Dason Dehorn, is a super chill dude and I’ve actually been in a ToS chat with him and kind of got to know him on a semi-personal level but not like other members do. Dason seems to just let things roll on unless it’s super bad which is something I don’t actually mind because it allows us members to freely express ourselves unless it gets out of hand which in my year and a half has happened twice.” The town sighs and returns home for the night.
Day 4
During the night, as promised, Diggs Sideline-touchdown did the deed and shot both Liv Elsathelookout and Ranch-Pizza Pizza-Man. No one mourned their losses after finding the Mafia insignias on the insides of their jackets. They did however mourn the loss of Big McLarge Huge, who was killed in retaliation by the Mafia. Diggs sighs. “How many of these bastards are there? We need to get to the bottom of this!” Acutiramus speaks up first. “I’ve noticed that Geoff Gopher has been suspiciously quiet, so I snooped around his place last night. He came up clean.” Geoff looks over puzzled, but doesn’t say anything. “I too took a look at someone quiet,” adds Brandon. “One Dewey Greenbeans to be specific. He too came up clean.” Dewey seems offended. “How dare you come to my place unannounced?! I am a great citizen of this town and you will respect me!” Brandon stares at him and sighs. Warren speaks up next. “I checked out Donovan Winters last night, and it does appear that he is a legitimate psychic.” Diggs nods, taking in everything and acting as the de facto leader of the group by this point. “I forgot we had those psychics. I still don’t trust them, but with no obvious leads, let’s hear from them again.” Donovan is the first to speak. “I didn’t bring it up yesterday since we already knew he was bad but my crystal ball was certain one of Ranch-Pizza Pizza-Man, Geoff Gopher, or Big McLarge Huge was evil. And Ranch-Pizza surely was.” Diggs sighs. Fig Newton comes in next. “Maybe this info will be more useful: I get the feeling that one of Seer Ial, Bruce White, or Acutiramus Bohemius is bad!” Brandon Johnson immediately interrupts him. “It’ll be a cold day in hell before you tell me Seer Ial is evil. He’s been with me this whole time. There’s zero chance he could be bad!”
Upon hearing this, Seer Ial goes on the offensive. “After what we heard yesterday, it’s gotta be Bruce, right? Like there’s no way in hell he’s telling the truth! We already know he lied about visiting Diggs yesterday!” Bruce glares at him. “Look, I don’t know what happened there. The only thing I could come up with is that someone from the Mafia hacked into my GPS and rerouted me to another home.” Seer Ial is not amused. “How is that even possible? You’d have to be crazy good at hacking in order to do that, and there’s zero chance anyone in the Mafia is that talented!” Silently, Geoff smiles in the corner of the room while sipping his vodka. “That’s the only possibility left! I know I’m a good person and I don’t deserve all this animosity!” Seer Ial scoffs. “We all know that you’re guilty, Bruce. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. The sooner you admit your crimes, the sooner we can get this over with.” Bruce is not happy. “Can’t you just put yourself in my shoes for one second?! Just once imagine a world where I am not lying! You’ve got this preconceived notion that I must be evil, and I admit the circumstances don’t look great, but just take a moment, step back, and try to see it from my point of view.” Seer sighs. “I’m trying Bruce, I really am. But I simply do not believe it. I don’t see the world where you are good existing.”
Suddenly, Acutiramus holds up his hand. “Hey guys, what’s Cameron doing?” Everyone looks over at Cameron Oswald-Newton, who appears to be using an Easy Bake Oven. Cameron looks up. “Why are you all staring at me?” Acutiramus continues, “You seem to be putting a lot of effort into that. What’s that can of liquid you got there?” Cameron looks over. “This is butter. I’m making cookies. You want cookies?” Acutiramus walks over and sniffs the can. “Uhhh… this smells like gasoline.” Cameron glares. “It’s butter. You want cookies?” Diggs stands up. “Cameron, I think you need to go.” Cameron responds. “No. I’m making cookies. Just leave me alone. I’ll give you a cookie.” “Sorry Cam, it’s time.” The guards come in and take Cameron away. “You fools weren’t ready for my cookies anyway!” The Town is shook that there was a third arsonist, but they all breathe a sigh of relief. Surely there’s no chance of a fourth arsonist… right?
Day 5
WRONG! As night fell, the skies turned from blue, to black, to red. A giant inferno took over the town, engulfing the houses of Warren Peace, Bruce White, Seer Ial, Geoff Gopher, and Brooks Bane. The blaze left little in its path, and barely a trace of any of them remained. In addition, people began to notice that Hank Mardukas was nowhere to be found. It’s widely believed that the Night the Rivers Ran Red took a huge toll on him, and that Hank could no longer deal with the stress that it caused him. As if things weren’t bad enough, a vicious plague had consumed the town, and Pestilence, Horseman of the Apocalypse had entered the fray!
PeePee Poop-Eater Jr. leaves no time making himself known. “BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR NEW OVERLORD, PEASENTS! I AM NOW IN CHARGE HERE!” A brilliant glow shined around PeePee, exuding an stunning invincibility that was impossible to ignore. Diggs scowled. “We may not be able to stop you today, but your invulnerability only lasts so long! Eventually your power will wane just enough and we’ll be able to take you down. In the meantime, we’ve got other matters to attend to. There’s still another god damn arsonist out there, and we still haven’t seen the last of this bloody Mafia! Plus whichever dipshit empowered PeePee over here. We need answers now! And I’m starting with you, Dewey! You’ve barely said shit since this whole thing started! Fess up now or get out!” Dewey Greenbeans is taken aback. “I’ll have you know that I am very important to this town, for I am married to a wonderful man!” Diggs scoffs. “Married? Nah you’re the dipshit that’s helping Urine Boy over here.” “DO NOT TARNISH MY NAME WITH YOUR FILTH YOU FUCK FACE!” Diggs tries hard to keep his composure. “Regardless, you’re not the problem for today Dewey. We need to rid ourselves of either this arsonist or this Mafia douche.”
The remaining members of town begin to state their cases. Billy Ennair starts things off. “I immediately started things off by throwing Silence Suzuka out of town, then also assisted in getting rid of Liv. There’s no way I could be Mafia after that!” Diggs nods and looks at KrustyKrab Pizza. “I helped you kill Ranch-Pizza and Liv.” Diggs nods and moves on to Donovan Winters III. “My crystal ball has not led me astray yet, and Warren Peace even said himself that I was a real psychic.” Diggs pauses for a moment, then nods. He looks at Brandon Johnson next. “I outed both Ranch-Pizza and Liv. You wouldn’t have shot them if you didn’t have my info.” Diggs nods. Fig Newton is next. “My psychic powers have proven true so far! I’m totally real!” Diggs stares, unconvinced. Last up is Acutiramus Bohemius, “I too was quick to get rid of Liv. That ole lass deserved it!” Diggs pauses for a second. “You know, now that I think back, you did say that Geoff Gopher was an innocent man. Wasn’t he found to be part of the Mafia?” Acutiramus begins to sweat. “What are you talking about? Why I never said such things! You’ve got the wrong guy here! Clearly Fig Newton and Dewey Greenbeans are the ones to blame here!” Diggs isn’t having it. “Nah my guy, you’re the bad one here. Get out before I shoot you. Acutiramus scoffs. “I can’t believe you’ve done this! My lawyer will see you in court!” He begins to storm off before he’s apprehended by the guards. As they grab him, another gas can falls to the ground. Diggs smiles and the town breathes a sigh of relief. That sigh is short lived, as PeePee shouts, “MAFIA! DO NOT KILL BRANDON JOHNSON OR BILLY ENNAIR! LEAVE THEM FOR ME! MWHAHAHA!” “Well I don’t like that…” Billy mutters as they all leave the tavern.
Day 6
The next day comes quicker than anyone anticipated. True to his word, Brandon Johnson was absolutely obliterated by Pestilence, Horseman of the Apocalypse. Surprisingly though, Billy Ennair was just killed outright by the Mafia. PeePee is unamused. “MAFIA! WHAT A FOOLISH MOVE! YOU MAY WELL HAVE PERISHED HAD MY INDECISION DROVE ME THE OTHER DIRECTION! YOU DUMB FUCK!” Diggs is frustrated. “Man, that was our last shot. We still can’t touch PeePee thanks to Dewey empowering him, and even if we get rid of the last Mafia in Fig, we just get overwhelmed by PeePee tomorrow! There’s no way we get out of this.” Dewey stands up. “No, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not the one helping PeePee here. Like I said, I’m married to someone else in this town.” Dewey stands up and begins shouting. “No, you fucking aren’t. You’re PeePee’s jerk and you’ve done absolutely nothing to help us this whole week! Leave me alone, I’m done leading this town.” Dewey isn’t having it. “Lead this town? What as the Mafia? Why should I even trust you? Why am I the bad guy and not you?!” Diggs clenches a fist. “I AM THIS MOST TRUSTED PERSON HERE! I KILLED TWO MAFIA! I’VE BEEN LEADING THIS CHARGE THE WHOLE DAMN TIME! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME!”
At that moment, KrustyKrab Pizza walks in. “Hey now guys, let’s just calm down here. Everything will be ok. As long as we all agree to get rid of Fig Newton, everything will be ok.” Diggs sighs. “No, it won’t. Even if we get rid of Fig, PeePee kills one of us tonight and there’s nothing else we can do. Dewey follows PeePee to the grave.” KrustyKrab shakes his head. “Just have faith Diggs, we can do this. As long as we’re correct that Fig is the last Mafia and not Donovan, then we will be ok.” Diggs scoffs. “We know it’s not Donovan, Warren confirmed that for us. But it doesn’t matter, we don’t have any hope left.” KrustKrab ponders for a moment. “Alright, you know what? Screw it. We’ve been keeping it secret because we didn’t want to be targeted, but if I don’t do this now, our town is doomed. Dewey Greenbeans is not in cahoots with PeePee. Dewey is my husband. We got engaged earlier this week, but we’ve kept it on the downlow since all these murders have been going around. If you are certain that Donovan is good, then that means there’s four of us and two of them. We get rid of Fig today and by tomorrow PeePee’s power will be reduced just enough that the guards can get rid of him too! C’mon Diggs, let’s do this!”
Fig Newton, however, is not too happy with this plan. “Where the hell do you guys get off calling me Mafia? I have been a loyal and prominent member of this town for ages! Hell I built this damn tavern with my own bear hands! And by that, I mean I paid Luigi Lanikai to build it for me. You have no right to accuse me of anything! Have my psychic powers not been spot on this whole time?” Donovan scoffs. “There’s only room for one psychic here! Begone villain!” Fig is taken aback. He tries one final gambit. “Alright, you got me. I’m not a real psychic. But I’m not a Mafia either! It is me, I’m the one who has been empowering PeePee this whole time! You can try to throw me out, but if you do he’ll still overwhelm you all!” PeePee stares at him, knowing he’s lying but staying quiet for once. Diggs shakes his head. “Sorry Fig, but it just has to be you. Everyone else is accounted for. It is time.” Fig rages. “Well, then you’ll never catch me alive, punks!” He begins to take out a gun, but the guards swarm and subdue him before taking him away.
And with that, PeePee Poop-Eater Jr. lets out a sigh. “FOOLISH MORTALS! IT SEEMS THAT I AM BESTED! AND I WAS THIS CLOSE TO FINISHING THE JOB! ALAS, I WILL GO QUIETLY! FAREWELL!” PeePee then gets on his horse and rides off into the sunset. Donovan stares after him. “For someone who is “going quietly”, he sure did shout a lot there. Diggs sighs, “At least it’s finally over. Good job guys, this was one hell of a week.” Heiiajs D. Owidhuse comes out from behind the bar. “Drinks all around eh! That was quite fun. I’ll bring the Necromancers out to revive everyone and we’ll do it all again next week!” The remaining four toast to that and take one last drink.