"B-but, the DSFL draft hasn't even happened..." you might be thinking, how could a definitive power ranking be created before we even find out the final lineups of the teams?? Well I'm here with a new methodology. You see, with numerous players coming and going from teams season after season, it can be hard to predict how a team will preform from week to week, let alone any type of long term analysis. Because of this troublesome variance in player talent, the methodology I've pioneered forgoes all notions of "skill" or "competence" and will help us rank DSFL teams not just for the upcoming season, but for the foreseeable future. "LIAR, you are LYING to the league!" you may cry out in anguish, after all, if we ignore all the player talent on a team, what is there left to even rank? Well for this analysis I'm focusing on one aspect of the team that doesn't change. Year after year, despite player turnover, this aspect remains the same, and will help us create a DEFINITIVE ranking of DSFL teams, so without further ado I present...
DSFL TEAMS RANKED ON HOW EASY IT WOULD BE TO BEAT UP THEIR MASCOT
8. Minnesota Grey Ducks
To start off the list we have the Minnesota grey ducks. Now when researching "Grey Ducks" Google kept showing me pictures of this duck:
[img src=\\\"http://nzbirdsonline.org.nz/sites/all/files/120094Grey%20duck%20Waikanae.jpg\\\" height=\\\"200px\\\" width=\\\"400px\\\" /]
Now, that duck is certainly grey, but I was SHOCKED to learn that this specific duck, the Pacific Black duck, is native to New Zealand and NOT Minnesota... In fact, not one of the three ducks listed on the Wikipedia Disambiguation page for "Grey Duck" is native to Minnesota. So first of all, what gives Minnesota? Why are you lying about the color of your ducks? What's the end game here? Shaken but not discouraged, I looked at the Minnesota Department of Natural resources and was able to find a list of ducks that ACTUALLY LIVE in Minnesota. Unfortunately, none of the ducks they showed were grey. Regardless of it's color or nationality however, I'm pretty confident I could beat up a duck. I've been attacked by Canada Geese before and I'm still alive to tell the tale, so I'm highly doubtful that a stupid duck would beat me in a fight. Like for real, It's an animal the size of a rotisserie chicken, I'm pretty sure I could punt that thing over the Minnesota Border.
7. London Royals
I won't lie, at first glance this team intimidated me because of the picture of the lion, an animal I could 100% not beat up. But this team isn't the London Lions, they're the London Royals. The head of London's Royal Family is Queen Elizabeth II, and I'm confident in my ability to beat up a 94 year old woman. As we move down the line of succession I'm also pretty sure I could also take 71 year old Prince Charles in a fight. After that it gets a bit iffy because Prince William is in his 30s and probably knows some secret MI6 James Bond moves. Moving further down the line of succession the next three are all kids ranging from 2-7, so I think I could pretty handily dispatch any of them in combat. So overall I could beat up 5 of the first 6 royals down the line of succession, which isn't too shabby if I do say so myself, and the Royals land second to last on this list.
6. Dallas Birddogs
I wanna start this off by saying that I love dogs and would never hurt a dog. However, I think if it came down to it I would be able to beat up a dog in a fight if I were so inclined. A "birddog" would suggest that the creature is half bird half dog, much like the deity Simargl from east slavic mythology, god of physical fire and bringer of end times. I could probably not take Simargl in a fight. However I'll assume that this is just the nature of formatting, and for this anlysis I will look at a "bird dog" (note the space) rather than a "birddog". A bird dog is just any old dog that hunts birds. I'm not entirely sure what breed of dog dallas uses for their logo specifically, but even the largest bird dogs aren't commonly over ~80 lbs, so I should be able to hold my own in a fight. Now, a dog could also probably hurt me pretty badly in a fight, but at the end of the day if a dog and I walk into a steel cage, dollars to doughnuts I'm the one walking outta there.
5. Kansas City Coyotes
A step up from the domesticated hunting dog, a wild coyote would certainly be a much tougher fight, but how much tougher exactly? I looked at a Wikipedia page for Coyote attacks to see how much of a fight one of these critters would actually put up. Interestingly enough, almost all of these attacks occur in Califiornia, a long way away from Kansas City, Missouri, meaning that this mascot is already off of it's home turf. Looking at the list of attacks Wikipedia presents it seems like a lot of them end in ankles and pant legs being bitten. In fact the worst Injury on this list seems to be "fractured elbow" which I'm pretty sure is an outlier... hopefully. Other encounters I feel are worth noting are one in which a man was chased up a tree, a lady who was held "captive" in her car, and a lady whose purse was stolen by the coyote. So based on this list of previous coyote-human encounter/grudge matches, as long as I can make it through getting my foot bitten, and assuming I don't lose my purse or end up in a tree, I should be in the clear, and able to win this fight.
4. Portland Pythons
Ah yes the pythons, the team I'm on. As much As I'd like to say that the team I'm on has the hardest to beat up mascot, I unfortunate don't think that's the case. Remaining completely objective, I have a hard time believing any animal without arms or legs could beat me up, so I did some research to uncover the truth. As I thought I would easily be abl- holy crap these things can swallow people? What the hell. Did anyone else know that pythons can grow to be like over 20 feet in length?! Funnily enough the Guinness book of world records "longest snake" is a 25 foot python in captivity... in Kansas City Missouri (DSFL name change when?). Well anyway, after researching pythons I'm slightly less confident in my ability to beat one up, but I think if I could avoid being completely restricted by one I'd still have a shot. As long as I have my hands free I'd give myself a solid 50/50 shot of being able to beat up a python before being completely devoured.
3. Myrtle Beach Buccaneers
It is at this point in the list that I start to lose all confidence in myself in a fight. As far as I know "buccaneer" is just a fancy word for "pirate." and I would 100% hands down not want to have to fight a pirate. Maybe in a one on one fight I could beat up some old sailor with scurvy, but pirates are notorious cheaters. I'm sure that if any point I took a (peg) leg up in the fight, the pirate would be quick to pull out a cutlass or flintlock pistol or something and dispatch me with ease. It's not even the idea of getting beat up that scares me the most with this mascot. Who knows what would happen AFTER the fight? Would he cut me up and use me as shark bait? send me to walk the plank? Swab the poop deck? All these outcomes paralyze me with fear, and are part of the reason that I don't think I would be able to beat up a buccaneer in a fight.
2. Tijuana Luchadores
I'm positive a professional luca libre wrestler could beat me up. Truth be told my only knowledge of Luchadores is the 2006 masterpiece Nacho Libre starring Jack Black, but I think even that's enough source material to know my chances in a fight are slim to none. Whats' worse than being beat up would be getting beat up by a costumed man in front of a roaring crowd. Also assuredly the luchadore would beat me up in a humiliating way, with a slew of flying kicks and elbows to add maximum insult to injury. But the Luchadores, despite handily being able to beat me up, are not the hardest to beat up mascot in theory, that honor goes to...
1. Norfolk Seawolves
The USS Seawolf SSN-21 is a seawolf class nuclear powered fast attack submarine in the United States Navy. Even a single one of it's 50 UGM-109 Tomahawk missiles would be enough to completely take me out of the fight. 353 feet long and displacing well over four tons of weight, even if my punches were effective against its high pressure HY-100 Steel hull (which they woudn't be) I would have to punch this thing A LOT to disable it. And with a diving depth of over 1,500 feet, I would have to beat it up WHILE holding my breath, a near impossible task. Because of these aspects, I think the Norfolk has the hardest to beat up mascot, bar none.
So these are the definitive power rankings for the DSFL, subject to change only if the mascots change or if I start lifting weights or learn Krav Maga or something. Let me know what you think about these power rankings, and It'll surely be interesting to see how team performance lines up to this listing as the season goes on.
DSFL TEAMS RANKED ON HOW EASY IT WOULD BE TO BEAT UP THEIR MASCOT
8. Minnesota Grey Ducks
To start off the list we have the Minnesota grey ducks. Now when researching "Grey Ducks" Google kept showing me pictures of this duck:
[img src=\\\"http://nzbirdsonline.org.nz/sites/all/files/120094Grey%20duck%20Waikanae.jpg\\\" height=\\\"200px\\\" width=\\\"400px\\\" /]
Now, that duck is certainly grey, but I was SHOCKED to learn that this specific duck, the Pacific Black duck, is native to New Zealand and NOT Minnesota... In fact, not one of the three ducks listed on the Wikipedia Disambiguation page for "Grey Duck" is native to Minnesota. So first of all, what gives Minnesota? Why are you lying about the color of your ducks? What's the end game here? Shaken but not discouraged, I looked at the Minnesota Department of Natural resources and was able to find a list of ducks that ACTUALLY LIVE in Minnesota. Unfortunately, none of the ducks they showed were grey. Regardless of it's color or nationality however, I'm pretty confident I could beat up a duck. I've been attacked by Canada Geese before and I'm still alive to tell the tale, so I'm highly doubtful that a stupid duck would beat me in a fight. Like for real, It's an animal the size of a rotisserie chicken, I'm pretty sure I could punt that thing over the Minnesota Border.
7. London Royals
I won't lie, at first glance this team intimidated me because of the picture of the lion, an animal I could 100% not beat up. But this team isn't the London Lions, they're the London Royals. The head of London's Royal Family is Queen Elizabeth II, and I'm confident in my ability to beat up a 94 year old woman. As we move down the line of succession I'm also pretty sure I could also take 71 year old Prince Charles in a fight. After that it gets a bit iffy because Prince William is in his 30s and probably knows some secret MI6 James Bond moves. Moving further down the line of succession the next three are all kids ranging from 2-7, so I think I could pretty handily dispatch any of them in combat. So overall I could beat up 5 of the first 6 royals down the line of succession, which isn't too shabby if I do say so myself, and the Royals land second to last on this list.
6. Dallas Birddogs
I wanna start this off by saying that I love dogs and would never hurt a dog. However, I think if it came down to it I would be able to beat up a dog in a fight if I were so inclined. A "birddog" would suggest that the creature is half bird half dog, much like the deity Simargl from east slavic mythology, god of physical fire and bringer of end times. I could probably not take Simargl in a fight. However I'll assume that this is just the nature of formatting, and for this anlysis I will look at a "bird dog" (note the space) rather than a "birddog". A bird dog is just any old dog that hunts birds. I'm not entirely sure what breed of dog dallas uses for their logo specifically, but even the largest bird dogs aren't commonly over ~80 lbs, so I should be able to hold my own in a fight. Now, a dog could also probably hurt me pretty badly in a fight, but at the end of the day if a dog and I walk into a steel cage, dollars to doughnuts I'm the one walking outta there.
5. Kansas City Coyotes
A step up from the domesticated hunting dog, a wild coyote would certainly be a much tougher fight, but how much tougher exactly? I looked at a Wikipedia page for Coyote attacks to see how much of a fight one of these critters would actually put up. Interestingly enough, almost all of these attacks occur in Califiornia, a long way away from Kansas City, Missouri, meaning that this mascot is already off of it's home turf. Looking at the list of attacks Wikipedia presents it seems like a lot of them end in ankles and pant legs being bitten. In fact the worst Injury on this list seems to be "fractured elbow" which I'm pretty sure is an outlier... hopefully. Other encounters I feel are worth noting are one in which a man was chased up a tree, a lady who was held "captive" in her car, and a lady whose purse was stolen by the coyote. So based on this list of previous coyote-human encounter/grudge matches, as long as I can make it through getting my foot bitten, and assuming I don't lose my purse or end up in a tree, I should be in the clear, and able to win this fight.
4. Portland Pythons
Ah yes the pythons, the team I'm on. As much As I'd like to say that the team I'm on has the hardest to beat up mascot, I unfortunate don't think that's the case. Remaining completely objective, I have a hard time believing any animal without arms or legs could beat me up, so I did some research to uncover the truth. As I thought I would easily be abl- holy crap these things can swallow people? What the hell. Did anyone else know that pythons can grow to be like over 20 feet in length?! Funnily enough the Guinness book of world records "longest snake" is a 25 foot python in captivity... in Kansas City Missouri (DSFL name change when?). Well anyway, after researching pythons I'm slightly less confident in my ability to beat one up, but I think if I could avoid being completely restricted by one I'd still have a shot. As long as I have my hands free I'd give myself a solid 50/50 shot of being able to beat up a python before being completely devoured.
3. Myrtle Beach Buccaneers
It is at this point in the list that I start to lose all confidence in myself in a fight. As far as I know "buccaneer" is just a fancy word for "pirate." and I would 100% hands down not want to have to fight a pirate. Maybe in a one on one fight I could beat up some old sailor with scurvy, but pirates are notorious cheaters. I'm sure that if any point I took a (peg) leg up in the fight, the pirate would be quick to pull out a cutlass or flintlock pistol or something and dispatch me with ease. It's not even the idea of getting beat up that scares me the most with this mascot. Who knows what would happen AFTER the fight? Would he cut me up and use me as shark bait? send me to walk the plank? Swab the poop deck? All these outcomes paralyze me with fear, and are part of the reason that I don't think I would be able to beat up a buccaneer in a fight.
2. Tijuana Luchadores
I'm positive a professional luca libre wrestler could beat me up. Truth be told my only knowledge of Luchadores is the 2006 masterpiece Nacho Libre starring Jack Black, but I think even that's enough source material to know my chances in a fight are slim to none. Whats' worse than being beat up would be getting beat up by a costumed man in front of a roaring crowd. Also assuredly the luchadore would beat me up in a humiliating way, with a slew of flying kicks and elbows to add maximum insult to injury. But the Luchadores, despite handily being able to beat me up, are not the hardest to beat up mascot in theory, that honor goes to...
1. Norfolk Seawolves
The USS Seawolf SSN-21 is a seawolf class nuclear powered fast attack submarine in the United States Navy. Even a single one of it's 50 UGM-109 Tomahawk missiles would be enough to completely take me out of the fight. 353 feet long and displacing well over four tons of weight, even if my punches were effective against its high pressure HY-100 Steel hull (which they woudn't be) I would have to punch this thing A LOT to disable it. And with a diving depth of over 1,500 feet, I would have to beat it up WHILE holding my breath, a near impossible task. Because of these aspects, I think the Norfolk has the hardest to beat up mascot, bar none.
So these are the definitive power rankings for the DSFL, subject to change only if the mascots change or if I start lifting weights or learn Krav Maga or something. Let me know what you think about these power rankings, and It'll surely be interesting to see how team performance lines up to this listing as the season goes on.
The user formerly known as xdave2456