Welcome to the Post Week 13 Power Rankings....Thanksgiving style!
Each team will be matched with a traditional Thanksgiving food (desserts excluded).
1. Colorado Yeti (10-3)
Turkey
When it comes to Thanksgiving, it's all about the turkey. It's the clear star of the show, much like the Colorado Yeti have been this season. They're 10-3 and look like one of the absolute favorites to take home this year's Ultimus. Whether you want white meat, dark meat, bone-on meat, or some tasty skin, turkey has it all for you. Will we see the Yeti put on their best turkey outfit and be the star of the postseason?
2. Orange County Otters (10-3)
Ham
Ham is our runner-up, although some people actually prefer it to turkey. It's flavorful and versatile, much like the Norfolk Seawolves legend Suleiman Ramza-led Orange County Otters. This is closer to a 1A vs. 1B matchup, but the Otters consecutive losses leave them with this delicious pork product. Don't discount the next-day ham leftovers, either.
3. Sarasota Sailfish (8-5)
Dressing
First off, let's make one thing clear. Dressing is the undisputed Thanksgiving side and is worlds better than stuffing. It's also harder to mess up than turkey or ham, so even if your host ruins the main meat, you know you'll get a tasty side. Sarasota has been equally tasty lately, as they've rattled off six straight wins to put them smack dab in the middle of the playoff hunt.
4. Arizona Outlaws (7-6)
Mashed potatoes and gravy
Who doesn't love a good heaping of mashed potatoes and gravy? It's a Thanksgiving staple and the perfect complement to both ham and turkey. The way the Outlaws have been playing, they fit right in with that analogy. At 7-6 and coming off back to back wins, they're looking like a solid #2 behind Colorado and Orange County and could soon usurp Sarasota for the second spot.
5. San Jose SaberCats
Macaroni and cheese
Macaroni and cheese are awfully close to mashed potatoes in the side department, just like San Jose is right behind Arizona here in our rankings. Is it a little boring? Perhaps. But it usually gets the job done and that's right where the SaberCats are this year. They find themselves at 7-6 and are a couple wins away from challenging for home field advantage.
6. Honolulu Hahalua (7-6)
Rolls
I know what you're thinking. Rolls? Seriously? Yes!!! Think of all their uses - you can sop up gravy, make a mini sandwich, or just eat 'em plain. And it's always a safe bet at any Thanksgiving meal. Turkey's dry? Ham too sweet? The rolls are consistent, if not outstanding. Hahalua fit in right here as they've proven their capability yet again this season. Are they one of the elites? Not right now, but they're solidly in the upper half of the league.
7. Chicago Butchers (7-6)
Creamed corn
We're getting into the area where disagreements start to really take hold, and that's no more prevalent than with creamed corn. If done correctly, it's a delicious addition to any Thanksgiving meal, but it can be difficult to pull off. Too wet or too mushy and it's a nightmare. The Butchers have similarly been great, mediocre, and bad this season, despite their ceiling being as high as almost any team. They need to tighten things up to move up in the rankings.
8. Baltimore Hawks (7-6)
Green bean casserole
The thing about green bean casserole is that you need to add a whole lot more than just green beans to make it tasty. Fried onions, cream, and sometimes bacon, the addendums are more important at times than the actual beans. Similarly, Baltimore might be here moreso due to other teams' performances (or lack thereof), but you can't complain too much about being above .500 at this point in the season. Is this a legitimate Ultimus contender? Not right now, but with enough external factors, they might slide right on through.
9. Philadelphia Liberty (6-7)
Creamed spinach
Spinach is alright on its own, but when you start adding superfluous dairy to it...you lose me. It's a fine side, but it's not something you race to your grandmother's house to eat. That's kind of how the Liberty are this season. They're fine, but they won't get too many people excited when it comes to the postseason and Ultimus. Right now, they're not contenders, but are certainly in the "fine" category of teams.
10. Yellowknife Wraiths (6-7)
Canned cranberry sauce
Yellowknife is our second-ranked sub-.500 team, but they are as dangerous as any team in the league. They seem to win games they're not supposed to and always surprise us. Do they stumble every once in a while? Yes. Do they need to add consistency? Of course. But dang if Yellowknife doesn't always keep us on our toes. That's why they're the canned cranberry sauce of this meal. Is it delicious? Sometimes. Can be be disgusting? Absolutely. But it's always good for some fun colors and flavors, if nothing else.
9. Philadelphia Liberty (6-7)
Creamed spinach
Spinach is alright on its own, but when you start adding superfluous dairy to it...you lose me. It's a fine side, but it's not something you race to your grandmother's house to eat. That's kind of how the Liberty are this season. They're fine, but they won't get too many people excited when it comes to the postseason and Ultimus. Right now, they're not contenders, but are certainly in the "fine" category of teams.
10. Yellowknife Wraiths (6-7)
Canned cranberry sauce
Yellowknife is our second-ranked sub-.500 team, but they are as dangerous as any team in the league. They seem to win games they're not supposed to and always surprise us. Do they stumble every once in a while? Yes. Do they need to add consistency? Of course. But dang if Yellowknife doesn't always keep us on our toes. That's why they're the canned cranberry sauce of this meal. Is it delicious? Sometimes. Can be be disgusting? Absolutely. But it's always good for some fun colors and flavors, if nothing else.
11. Austin Copperheads (5-8)
Glazed carrots
Wet carrots cooked in a sugary, maple cinnamon syrup? What sort of witchcraft is this? They're soft, sweet, and downright disgusting. Much like the Copperheads, who are just bad this year. They have some nice pieces, like how carrots themselves are good. But the team as a whole is a wet pile or orange that you do not want to eat.
12. New Orleans Second Line (5-8)
Ambrosia salad
Fruit, mayonnaise, coconut, marshmallows, cottage cheese. Those ingredients are only somewhat good on their own, but together it is a monstrosity that not even the hungriest person remaining on the Earth would voluntarily eat. Now that might be too harsh for New Orleans, but they sit at 5-8 and have a -84 point differential on the season. This is not a good team right now.
Tied for 13th
New York Silverbacks (3-10) and Berlin Fire Salamanders (3-10)
Creamed onions
Cop out? No way. Both are expansion teams, both aren't good, and both would barely make the dinner table as sides. Am I shortchanging New York here? Maybe. Did I run out of sides? Maybe, partly because I couldn't figure out where to put sweet potato casserole. Either way, it seems appropriate that the bottom-dwellers are this pair. And they embody the grossiest side I've ever had - creamed onions. Just look at that picture. Does anybody want that? Wet, soupy pearl onions? No thanks.
Wet carrots cooked in a sugary, maple cinnamon syrup? What sort of witchcraft is this? They're soft, sweet, and downright disgusting. Much like the Copperheads, who are just bad this year. They have some nice pieces, like how carrots themselves are good. But the team as a whole is a wet pile or orange that you do not want to eat.
12. New Orleans Second Line (5-8)
Ambrosia salad
Fruit, mayonnaise, coconut, marshmallows, cottage cheese. Those ingredients are only somewhat good on their own, but together it is a monstrosity that not even the hungriest person remaining on the Earth would voluntarily eat. Now that might be too harsh for New Orleans, but they sit at 5-8 and have a -84 point differential on the season. This is not a good team right now.
Tied for 13th
New York Silverbacks (3-10) and Berlin Fire Salamanders (3-10)
Creamed onions
Cop out? No way. Both are expansion teams, both aren't good, and both would barely make the dinner table as sides. Am I shortchanging New York here? Maybe. Did I run out of sides? Maybe, partly because I couldn't figure out where to put sweet potato casserole. Either way, it seems appropriate that the bottom-dwellers are this pair. And they embody the grossiest side I've ever had - creamed onions. Just look at that picture. Does anybody want that? Wet, soupy pearl onions? No thanks.