*Ranking DSFL GMs Based on How Confident I am in Taking Them in Single-Handed Combat

**Jaywe88**

Now that I’ve grabbed your attention, let me introduce myself. I’m Jason and I’ve been in this league for like a year now. I’m also one half of the Tijuana Luchadore Leadership Squad(TILLS). It’s a vibe. My fighting experience include a couple of unfortunate locker room incidents on and off the field (I did track in school, weird sport for a fight club isn’t it). With this experience, I started thinking about my fellow GMs and their fighting prowess. I was able to gather my research and take some notes on the general vibes. So, let’s get into it.

@lordcoolcats NOR

(formerly as of time of writing)

Coming in at dead last, LCC might have two 120 lbs dogs as sparring partners, but what he fails to realize is that I have the dog in me. I am more than 120 lbs.

@Ephenssta NOR

(formerly as of time of writing)

Second to last only due to Norfolk association and their weak ankle, Eph has a really photogenic dog which would distract me as I stare in its direction. I would be blindsided at first but my dreaded Dobble’s elbow would seal the deal at the end of the day.

@Gadget DAL

(formerly as of time of writing)

News of my GM hit-list(punchies and kicks) may have reached Gadget’s ears and unfortunately he did not have the chance to give me notes on his defeat. Though I believe I could sweep the leg on this one and that would be curtains.

@TubaDeus KCC

Tuba doesn’t appear to be a fighter. But their enthusiasm for pickleball might hide some less-known muscles. I don’t know how they would translate to the fighting arena, but I bet against their chances in this spar. I’ll give them points for their fatherly fast-twitch muscles and experience being chased by two toddlers, which I am roughly the combined size of anyways (citation needed)

@Dindog MIN

Our first GM who isn’t leaving this year as far as I know. What Dindog displays in wit and finesse, they lack in combat strategy and prowess. My sweeping back hook will strike true but I will have a bruise or two.

@TwoSocks MIN

TwoSocks scares me a little. I’ll be knocked asunder at first, but I believe that ultimately it will be an even fight. Their lack of response to my “company-wide email” indicates that they don’t want to hurt me. A wild card in the rankings, I have to put them in the middle.

@PugWalrus POR

As a fellow Provolone enthusiast, this fight will be one with honor. A bare knuckle boxing match for the ages, or however long I can manage before feeling queasy. I believe I could best this enemy in combat but not without a great deal of effort. Watch for the Tijuana overhook in this one.

@domffl KCC

(Formerly at the time of writing)

I’ve seen many pictures of Dom at this point and I’ve played Fortnite with him just as much times. The fact that he is friends with Kyler Murray very loosely indicates that he does go to the gym. I would be lost in his smile and hit the ground from his uppercut as a result. Ultimately it would be a hard fight and it could go either way.

@UptownCord POR

They are a well-functioning, modestly strong young adult. I couldn’t relate. Me in 4.

@Eric Belmont BBB

It pains me to put Buccs this high on any list but I’m about to go back-to-back (spoiler alert). Eric listed some combat sports as his experience so maybe I don’t want to fight him(?). He also listed Rugby so that’s spooky. My squirrel-like figure and spirit might be able to best him but I’ll say it’s a close match. Also they have wrestling experience so my Luchadore expertise will be matched.

@Thor BBB

By day, they fight forests over their proclivity to catch on fire. By night, they meet me in the boxing ring in defense of their spirit and honor. A passionate battle, I’ll give the edge to Thor here but if I simmed our fight 10 times, it might be winnable 6 out of 10 times.

@Gordon Bombay LON

G O R D O

@MikeWhiskey DAL

Every day, I learn a little bit more lore about Micheal. Just by vibes alone, I would be rocked on my socks by a Whiskey fist. This be a man with ferocity and grit. You could fade me all the way out on this fight but you fail to realize that I also fight dirty. My craftiness will reign supreme.

@Alikh LON

Alikh is an accredited Dobble Scholar so I’m already forced to lose. But he also has a great reputation in the Karate and Kickboxing circles. On top of this, he rapped at a chicken wing for a minute so there’s no denying his dedication to the craft. My feared left cross-hook would be powerless against him but I would be able to work something out.

@PBS TIJ

The swolemander-in-chief is in charge of our gym channel in the locker room. The amount of plates I’ve seen this man put on this machine practically doubles my own weight. I would be squatted into dust. The conditions in which he works out in are equivalent to the sun. An even match, as long as I avoid fighting at all.

@wizard_literal TIJ

Wiz is methodical, passionate and has the power of magic on his side. A hard-fought battle with a few battlescars thrown into it, I would have to concede defeat. As per Luchadores law, they would be crowned the next GM through this trial by combat. And that’s exactly what happened.

Wait who’s that? From across the ring?

@"baz1757" TIJ

Baz is fucking hype. If I got that dog in me, he’s got a whole pound. As I was getting cut stomped by a mage hand, we realized it was a tag-team match and from the 1989 Hell in the Cell cage came the screaming swanton bomb of Baz. That’s right, DOUBLE HIRE.

Long live the new regime.

Yeah, we stepped down.