03-29-2023, 04:03 PM
(This post was last modified: 04-01-2023, 08:46 PM by Caleb_H. Edited 1 time in total.)
Hello, and welcome back to Mock University! You might remember us from such prize-winning articles such as the S36 Draft, the S37 Draft, and the S38 Draft! "Where have you gone for the past three years?" you might ask. Well, as you know, Reeeelon Husk destroyed the ancient relic known as Twotter, thereby releasing the deadly virus we know as SIVID-53 (short for simulavirus disease of 2053). The world was basically shut down for three years, so we were disallowed from giving tours of our beautiful campus. This year, we got the green light to resume the tours provided everyone wears a visored helmet to protect each other. Due to the inactivity of the past three years, this university was in danger of being shuttered, but we received a generous donation from Mark Jackson Jr.! His late father coined the phrase "you reach, I teach," and although it is used mainly for basketball, the concept of reaching is a potential death knell for GMs. Mr. Jackson Jr. just wanted to enlighten and remind all of you of this!
For this tour, most of the classes are outdoors because these helmets are rather awkward to wear indoors. We've had a few students purposely try to run through walls and then yelling, "OH, YEAHHHH." I don't understand your generation. Anyway, on the left we have some mental education. No, not physical; mental. That class teaches mental gymnastics for when you deem the reach is necessary and then have to explain it to your superiors. Over here on the right we have Dodgeball class. This class teaches you how to avoid bullying from other GMs trying to take your draft spot with offers of laughable compensation. The motto of this class is "if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a trade." Ooh, the professor appears to be running a little mock draft. Let's listen in!
Disclaimer
The picks I made for this mock draft are based on a combination of the following: positional need, the amount of the player's TPE, and the size of the player's bank account. The picks do not factor in relationships, scouting conversations, war room fits, trades, changes in position, or available free agents. Therefore, do NOT use this as a reference for anything.
Bigger Disclaimer
You'll hear this a lot because it's true: WHERE YOU GET PICKED DOES NOT DICTATE HOW WELL YOU WILL DO. A FIRST ROUND PICK DOES NOT GET MAGICAL BENEFITS; A FOURTH ROUND PICK SUFFERS NO PENALTY. THE PROGRESS OF YOUR PLAYER IS ENTIRELY DRIVEN BY YOUR DESIRE TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS LEAGUE WHETHER YOU'RE 1OA OR MR. IRRELEVANT.
01.01 (01): NYS — S Mary Marie (BBB) @aeonsjenni
With the first overall pick, the New York Silverbacks select... S Mary Marie of the Bondi Beach Buccaneers! New GM Repgnar (we all know zaynzk is just a figurehead) stamps his mark on his nascent front office career by drafting this powerhouse user. Marie will slide perfectly into the SS position currently occupied by the inactive Kaiden King. Don't be surprised to see Marie in a Silverback uniform to bolster the secondary. She has proven she can play with her 6 INTs, 14 PDs, 2 sacks, 1 FF, 1 FR, and 1 TD in her rookie season with the Bucs.
01.02 (02): COL (from BAL) — WR Wolfie McDummy Jr. (DAL) @infinitempg
Colorado has Baltimore's first round pick, and this pick is a great one to have at the 2 spot. One of the Yeti's IA receivers will regress to the shadow realm, and they get a timely replacement by drafting Wolfie McDummy Jr. This is another player who is likely to get called up immediately and could slotted at WR2 sooner than later. With a strong history of reliability from this user, Colorado can very quickly have a strong one-two punch at the receiver position. I'm sure Laughlove would not complain about having the combination of hands provided by phenssta, McDummy, and Hogmally.
01.03 (03): HON — S Rico Savage (NOR) @TheRake
The Hahalua get a big safety of their own in Rico Savage. Like the two picks before him, Savage will likely see an ISFL field on Day 1. Savage and his Seawolves are currently sitting atop the DSFL with a commanding 10-4 record, and the Hahalua would definitely welcome the injection of some winning culture into their locker room. Both of Honolulu's rostered safeties are inactive and highly replaceable so time will tell whether Savage slots in further back in the formation or up near the box.
01.04 (04): OCO (from SJS) — LB Loose Cannon (LON) @Jumbo
Orange County fills a big hole left by the retiring crass robot Bender Rodriguez by selecting London's Loose Cannon, and what a get this is. Cannon is the top earner of his class, and as is the theme so far, he could be sporting an Otter jersey from the jump. Cannon led the DSFL in tackles with 125, of which 9 were TFLs and 6 were sacks. Without context, Cannon's sack numbers may seem light, but London's application of the 4-3/Nickel package for a large majority of the season explains the discrepancy. Despite this, Cannon was never dissuaded, and this workhorse attitude would fit in GM slate's slave-driving nature.
01.05 (05): NOLA (from BER) — RB Malik Brooks (BBB) @AK41
During the season, New Orleans traded away their budding RB Armor Queen for a bag of bones in Jay Cue Jr. and a listless crab. The team will likely move on from Cue Jr. and keep Thecrab. This leaves an opening in RB and the Second Line remedy the situation with the selection of Malik Brooks. Brooks boasted an eye-popping 5.1 YPR in his inaugural season with the Bucs. Although his talent is still raw for the RB position, he may have a chance to learn the ropes as RB2, gaining a season of knowledge and experience from his crustacean teammate.
01.06 (06): NOLA — CB Ezra Azazel (TIJ) @"baz1757"
NOLA has the luxury of back-to-back picks and gets to address another need right away. With regression taking another bite out of their mainstay CB De'Aaron Harper II, the Second Line blunt the pain by taking Ezra Azazel. New Orleans still has 4 CBs on the roster, so Azazel may spend another season in the DSFL to further develop. This is in no way a negative as Azazel can instantly make a big splash next year.
01.07 (07): COL — LB John Stark VIII (POR) @UptownCord
Not to be outdone by NOLA, the Yeti jump back in to make their own second pick in the first round. With Jason Waterfalls barely able to stand on his rickety knees, Colorado rejuvenates their LB corps with the selection of John Stark VIII. I can't believe there were seven before him. I wonder whether one of them played basketball in New York. Anyway, this eighth-generation Stark led a fierce front seven in Portland. The Python defense was first in the league in run defense, allowing only 76.6 yards per game. This is quite a feat, as the DSFL tends to be strong with the run game. Stark could get the call from Colorado, allowing them to dump off a couple of their IA d-linemen.
01.08 (08): SAR — WR Oliver Tolliver (BBB) @Memento Mori
The Sailfish had a disappointing 2055, finishing their season with a tepid record of 8-7-1. Worse, Sconnie McSixed his way off the team and took his talents to South Bay. With Cornelius King III retiring and Nick Kaepercolin Jr. soon needing a bib to eat his oatmeal, Sarasota is definitely in the market for a WR... and what a doozy of a WR to fall into their lap. Tolliver played third fiddle to a pair of send-down WRs, but he still got his as WR3, tallying 740 yards and 8 TDs. His 8 drops are less than ideal, but he could definitely improve with a bit of offseason work. Also, with a name like Tolliver, you'd think Baltimore would've snapped him up by now, but alas, the Hawks don't get to pick until the fifth round. Womp womp.
01.09 (09): AUS — LB Craig Brand (DAL) @ElMerchanto
Austin had a season that was good and bad at the same time. They finished as a second seed, but even with the infusion of Deshawn Penne and DeAndre King, they were ousted in the first round by OCO. The Copperheads managed to score only 13 points, while also giving up 20. So is the problem on offense or defense? I bet dollars to donuts that the problem was on special teams. Double agent Levy Tate missed 2 XPs and 8 FGs on the year. Clearly they need a new a kicker. In the first round, though? Hmm... Austin decides to bolster the defense, going with LB Craig Brand. I bet the strong user behind the player was the driving force. I could see Joe Smokes eating another year of regression to allow Brand to spend another year in the DSFL to develop.
01.10 (10): CTC — LB Liath Squirrel (MINN) @LiathTheSquirrel
Cape Town did in their first two years what Philadelphia couldn't in their last six: make the playoffs! Did the relocation really lift the curse? Has negs been vindicated? Well, say what you will about him, but his roster construction is on point. The imminent drop-offs in talent in the current roster are already ready to be shored up by their DSFL players. As such, the Crash don't have many needs. They do, however, have one LB retiring, one aging, and one on the verge of inactivity. Plus, you can never have too many LBs. With that, they select Liath Squirrel. She was the clear leader of Minnesota's LB corps, amassing 103 tackles, 13 TFLs, 6 sacks, 4 PDs, 1 INT, 3 FFs, and 1 safety.
01.11 (11): COL [from OCO (merely using away team as loser)] — RB Kyle Crane (TIJ) @Ultimatedestroye
Colorado triple-dips in the first round of this strong class. Already having addressed their WR and LB needs, the Yeti now focus on RB. With Triple Option going to chair heaven, Colorado selects Kyle Crane to potentially replace IA Marvin Toledo. In Tijuana, Crane shared the workload with Gucci Gurley so he already has the team-player mindset. He may also see some WR3 reps in certain formations. Colorado finishes a strong first round with potentially three day-one starters.
01.12 (12): CHI (merely using away team as loser) — LB Max Honestly (LON) @"LeSizz"
Despite finishing so high, Chicago has many needs. They may be legally compelled to move to Switzerland and change the mascot to cheese. As is an ISFL defense, the main cog is the linebacker, so the Butchers take Max Honestly. Honestly started out as a TE for London, but also spent some time at FB and in the slot. He's also known as the Pixel King, but I'm too much of a boomer to know what that means, but he has acquired a nice cache of funds from this reputation. Maybe he's really good at Lego-building. Anyway, this kind of versatility could be instrumental in allowing Chicago a speedy rebuild.
01.13 (13): YKW (merely using away team as loser) — CB Kadarius Claypool II (NOR) @Weaves
The gruesome defense of the Wraiths receives another quick visit from their cousin, the Grim Reaper, as almost the entire unit takes another hit of regression. The sudden retirement of Jack McPherson does not help matters, but Yellowknife can be slightly assuaged by Toad Wananapaoa waiting in the wings. YKW leaning defense should not be a surprise, and they look to a coveted position by selecting CB Kadarius Claypool II. Claypool was all over the field in his first-year stint with Norfolk. He garnered 81 tackles, popped out 3 balls, and shut down 28 passes, 3 of which he nabbed out of the air. This could be a strong start to their new generation of defense.
01.14 (14): AZ (merely using home team as winner) — CB Bill Cravy (MINN) @KlausGoatCasinos
Arizona sits at the cusp of being old, but not too old, so they will still be a force to be reckoned with. Their DB room takes the biggest beating, though, namely the safety position. With the two premiere safeties already off the board and the next one off at some weird darkness retreat, the Outlaws opt for a cornerback and take Bill Cravy of the Minnesota Grey Ducks. Cravy could spend another year with the Ducks to further develop, then head up the following season to see some time at both the nickel and safety slots.
02.01 (15): NYS — DT Dub Redd (TIJ) @wizard_literal
Round 2 begins and New York is back on the board. Since teams in the first round didn't seem to prioritize d-line, the Silverbacks are able to take this stud in DT Dub Redd in the second round. Just a testament to how deep this draft is. Lionel Scrimmage appears to be the only impactful d-lineman remaining in New York's trenches so we could see another true rookie starter being employed by the Silverbacks. Speaking of impactful, Redd practically lived in the opponents' backfield, earning himself 10 TFLs, 6 sacks, and the ever-rare safety.
02.02 (16): SJS (from BAL) — TE Nick Williams (LON) @nickWilliams
The SaberCats get to make their first pick of the draft. They could use a little bit of everything, but the void that is most glaring is the one made by the departure of TE Deshawn Penne. In steps the artist know as Nick Williams. He shared the spot with Max Honestly for most of the season and had to compete with London's deep WR room, but he produced with his opportunities, catching 47 passes for 492 yards (10.5 YPC) and snagging 5 touchdowns. He even managed a personal best 64-yard catch-and-run against the Seawolves in Week 12. Likely a Day 1 starter for San Jose.
02.03 (17): HON — DE Bruce White (POR) @toofpete
Back to the D-line we go. The Hahalua seemed to have gambled by taking a safety in the first round, considering they only had TWO defensive linemen all season, but the gamble paid off as they are in prime position to select DE Bruce White, a member of the fearsome front seven of the Pythons and who tied the DSFL season sack record of 18. Honolulu looks to be on the upswing and the addition of White could push them into .500 territory next season.
02.04 (18): SJS — LB DJ Maclean (BBB) @Urq660
Two picks later, San Jose gets to make their second pick of the draft. With TE addressed, they get to look at the older parts of their roster, and the spotlight shines on LB Ioe Torrent. Torrent will have must of his soul sucked out of him on his fifth regression, so the SaberCats battle Father Time by taking LB DJ Maclean. Coincidentally, this user's former player was also a SaberCat so a culture fit should not be a problem.
02.05 (19): BER — WR Emile Charles (POR) @Number 82
Another latecomer to the draft, Berlin finally gets to be on the clock. Their season could be deemed a disappointment as they appeared to have all the pieces to push for playoff contention, but instead they finished at 5-10-1. The Fire Sallies made a couple of trades near the end of the season, getting a possible mainstay RB in Armor Queen, but losing big receiver Octavio Pérez. Pérez allegedly wanted to test free agency, so Berlin made a smart move in getting something for him. To make up for Pérez's absence, the Fire Salamanders grab WR Emile Charles. They may not need his contributions right away, but with Zayne Dangle starting his fight against regression, Charles is a timely pick.
02.06 (20): NOLA — DT Jumbo Edward (POR) @furiousPanda
Hmm, controversial pick? No no, this isn't that person, so we're not talking about that sort of controversy. Anyway, let's move on to the next!
02.07 (21): COL — WR Benji Aguilera (TIJ) @CROney3
Colorado gets to make their fourth pick in the first two rounds! At this juncture, the Yeti select... another receiver? Is this a gamble? I would wager that some say the high-flying Yeeti were the best version of themselves, and I don't think this is a bluff. Current QB Laughlove may not get to fully enjoy this new generation Yeeti to the full extent, but I bet NCADV RAINN waiting in the wings is salivating at all these targets. Odds are Aguilera will raise the roof on this Yeti squad and bring the house down.
02.08 (22): SAR — DT Billy Jor-El (MINN) @LtHudz
The Sailfish would ideally look for a DB or RB here, but with DT Billy Jor-El still on the board, this was a player they could not pass up. Since Mama McHits is partially stuck in quicksand and Mistah Freddy is IA, the pick of Jor-El is by no means bad. Despite playing a glamour-less position, Jor-El still managed to tally 4 TFLs and 4 sacks on 48 tackles. He even got in the turnover mix with 1 FF and 1 FR. If Jor-El continues to develop, the combination of he and Ginand Toxic could become the next pillar of Sarasota's defensive line.
02.09 (23): AUS — K/P Ray Baker (KCC) @jdc4654
We are back to Austin. Will they right the egregious wrong they committed in the first round? They do! With the 23rd overall pick, the Copperheads take the legend himself, Ray Baker! This kicker/punter has more style and pizzazz in his pinky finger than you commoners have in your entire body. Look at those sports goggles! Look at that single-bar facemask. More rizz cannot possibly ooze out of this player. Austin will no longer lose by 3 or fewer points because this can't-miss pick can't miss (don't check his stats).
02.10 (24): CTC — CB Benjamin Duvernay (POR) @Purpl3Spartan
Having shored up the LB position, Cape Town comes back to tend to their need at CB. Bageshwari Singh gets his first bonk on the head, and Art Deco's doorstep is beginning to darken. Plus, the Crash's nickelback appears to be semi-IA. CTC snaps up CB Benjamin Duvernay. Duvernay led the league with a whopping 30 PDs. Perhaps when he makes the big leagues, all the passes thrown his way will... crash.
02.11 (25): SJS [from OCO (merely using away team as loser)] — WR Legs McMillion (NOR) @jollyjiggs
San Jose gets their third selection in this round, and they handpick— err... legpick?... WR Legs McMillion! How does he talk? How does he eat? How is going to watch John Wick: Chapter 4? You'll have to ask the owl that eats Tootsie Pops. Despite all these supposed hindrances, the thighs that Saquon wished he had caught 45 balls for 906 yards and 4 TDs. An eye-opening 55.6% of his catches were for first downs. First downs mean more opportunities. Is this why Norfolk finished #1 in the regular season? Ask the owl.
02.12 (26): CHI (merely using away team as loser) — CB Synystyr Gates (TIJ) @Dustillation
Chicago is back on the clock to patch more holes. Luckily, this class has goodies of all sorts, and the Butchers are able to nab CB Synystyr Gates to bolster their secondary. Gates garnered a respectable 17 PDs and 2 INTs, but the 7 missed tackles will be something he will have to work on. With Chicago needing bodies, however, Gates may be thrown straight into the dragon's den and may have to test his mettle against the big boys.
02.13 (27): YKW (merely using away team as loser) — WR Artemis Entreri (MINN) @entreri
Yellowknife balances offense and defense and takes WR Artemis Entreri? How is this guy still available? The Wraiths sure aren't going to ask twice. Entreri definitely fills a future need as Bern D. Brot is soon to be running on his ankle bones. The biggest skill Entreri seems to possess is finding the first down marker. His first down rate of 61.7% is even higher than that of the receiver with no upper body... which I guess after seeing the words on paper isn't that much of a feat... but this is the ISFL! Everyone is on even footing! No mercy! Entreri will be a welcome force for the Wraiths' receiving corps!
02.14 (28): AZ (merely using home team as winner) — DE Rolud Onyxgut (BBB) @crash1005
Speaking of players still on the board, how is Arizona still able to select DE Rolud Onyxgut at this point of the draft? This class is deep, I tell ya. DEEP! The Onyxgut and Xah'Aawrone pair could anchor the Outlaws' defensive trenches for years to come. Onyxgut's statline of 2055 is nothing to scoff at with totals of 42 tackles, 5 TFLs, 1 FF, 1 FR, 7 sacks, and 1 safety. Are the rich getting richer? We'll see for how long Arizona stays on top of the ASFC.
Okay, folks! Let's step back away a bit to let the professor finish his lecture. This is the conclusion of our tour! As you can see, drafting requires a lot of mental fortitude! We hope you found the campus pleasant! If you make a wide right turn up ahead on your way out, you'll pass the construction department where you can grab yourselves a free Big Board and some markers. We hope you join us in the area of Mockademia!
For this tour, most of the classes are outdoors because these helmets are rather awkward to wear indoors. We've had a few students purposely try to run through walls and then yelling, "OH, YEAHHHH." I don't understand your generation. Anyway, on the left we have some mental education. No, not physical; mental. That class teaches mental gymnastics for when you deem the reach is necessary and then have to explain it to your superiors. Over here on the right we have Dodgeball class. This class teaches you how to avoid bullying from other GMs trying to take your draft spot with offers of laughable compensation. The motto of this class is "if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a trade." Ooh, the professor appears to be running a little mock draft. Let's listen in!
Disclaimer
The picks I made for this mock draft are based on a combination of the following: positional need, the amount of the player's TPE, and the size of the player's bank account. The picks do not factor in relationships, scouting conversations, war room fits, trades, changes in position, or available free agents. Therefore, do NOT use this as a reference for anything.
Bigger Disclaimer
You'll hear this a lot because it's true: WHERE YOU GET PICKED DOES NOT DICTATE HOW WELL YOU WILL DO. A FIRST ROUND PICK DOES NOT GET MAGICAL BENEFITS; A FOURTH ROUND PICK SUFFERS NO PENALTY. THE PROGRESS OF YOUR PLAYER IS ENTIRELY DRIVEN BY YOUR DESIRE TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS LEAGUE WHETHER YOU'RE 1OA OR MR. IRRELEVANT.
01.01 (01): NYS — S Mary Marie (BBB) @aeonsjenni
With the first overall pick, the New York Silverbacks select... S Mary Marie of the Bondi Beach Buccaneers! New GM Repgnar (we all know zaynzk is just a figurehead) stamps his mark on his nascent front office career by drafting this powerhouse user. Marie will slide perfectly into the SS position currently occupied by the inactive Kaiden King. Don't be surprised to see Marie in a Silverback uniform to bolster the secondary. She has proven she can play with her 6 INTs, 14 PDs, 2 sacks, 1 FF, 1 FR, and 1 TD in her rookie season with the Bucs.
01.02 (02): COL (from BAL) — WR Wolfie McDummy Jr. (DAL) @infinitempg
Colorado has Baltimore's first round pick, and this pick is a great one to have at the 2 spot. One of the Yeti's IA receivers will regress to the shadow realm, and they get a timely replacement by drafting Wolfie McDummy Jr. This is another player who is likely to get called up immediately and could slotted at WR2 sooner than later. With a strong history of reliability from this user, Colorado can very quickly have a strong one-two punch at the receiver position. I'm sure Laughlove would not complain about having the combination of hands provided by phenssta, McDummy, and Hogmally.
01.03 (03): HON — S Rico Savage (NOR) @TheRake
The Hahalua get a big safety of their own in Rico Savage. Like the two picks before him, Savage will likely see an ISFL field on Day 1. Savage and his Seawolves are currently sitting atop the DSFL with a commanding 10-4 record, and the Hahalua would definitely welcome the injection of some winning culture into their locker room. Both of Honolulu's rostered safeties are inactive and highly replaceable so time will tell whether Savage slots in further back in the formation or up near the box.
01.04 (04): OCO (from SJS) — LB Loose Cannon (LON) @Jumbo
Orange County fills a big hole left by the retiring crass robot Bender Rodriguez by selecting London's Loose Cannon, and what a get this is. Cannon is the top earner of his class, and as is the theme so far, he could be sporting an Otter jersey from the jump. Cannon led the DSFL in tackles with 125, of which 9 were TFLs and 6 were sacks. Without context, Cannon's sack numbers may seem light, but London's application of the 4-3/Nickel package for a large majority of the season explains the discrepancy. Despite this, Cannon was never dissuaded, and this workhorse attitude would fit in GM slate's slave-driving nature.
01.05 (05): NOLA (from BER) — RB Malik Brooks (BBB) @AK41
During the season, New Orleans traded away their budding RB Armor Queen for a bag of bones in Jay Cue Jr. and a listless crab. The team will likely move on from Cue Jr. and keep Thecrab. This leaves an opening in RB and the Second Line remedy the situation with the selection of Malik Brooks. Brooks boasted an eye-popping 5.1 YPR in his inaugural season with the Bucs. Although his talent is still raw for the RB position, he may have a chance to learn the ropes as RB2, gaining a season of knowledge and experience from his crustacean teammate.
01.06 (06): NOLA — CB Ezra Azazel (TIJ) @"baz1757"
NOLA has the luxury of back-to-back picks and gets to address another need right away. With regression taking another bite out of their mainstay CB De'Aaron Harper II, the Second Line blunt the pain by taking Ezra Azazel. New Orleans still has 4 CBs on the roster, so Azazel may spend another season in the DSFL to further develop. This is in no way a negative as Azazel can instantly make a big splash next year.
01.07 (07): COL — LB John Stark VIII (POR) @UptownCord
Not to be outdone by NOLA, the Yeti jump back in to make their own second pick in the first round. With Jason Waterfalls barely able to stand on his rickety knees, Colorado rejuvenates their LB corps with the selection of John Stark VIII. I can't believe there were seven before him. I wonder whether one of them played basketball in New York. Anyway, this eighth-generation Stark led a fierce front seven in Portland. The Python defense was first in the league in run defense, allowing only 76.6 yards per game. This is quite a feat, as the DSFL tends to be strong with the run game. Stark could get the call from Colorado, allowing them to dump off a couple of their IA d-linemen.
01.08 (08): SAR — WR Oliver Tolliver (BBB) @Memento Mori
The Sailfish had a disappointing 2055, finishing their season with a tepid record of 8-7-1. Worse, Sconnie McSixed his way off the team and took his talents to South Bay. With Cornelius King III retiring and Nick Kaepercolin Jr. soon needing a bib to eat his oatmeal, Sarasota is definitely in the market for a WR... and what a doozy of a WR to fall into their lap. Tolliver played third fiddle to a pair of send-down WRs, but he still got his as WR3, tallying 740 yards and 8 TDs. His 8 drops are less than ideal, but he could definitely improve with a bit of offseason work. Also, with a name like Tolliver, you'd think Baltimore would've snapped him up by now, but alas, the Hawks don't get to pick until the fifth round. Womp womp.
01.09 (09): AUS — LB Craig Brand (DAL) @ElMerchanto
Austin had a season that was good and bad at the same time. They finished as a second seed, but even with the infusion of Deshawn Penne and DeAndre King, they were ousted in the first round by OCO. The Copperheads managed to score only 13 points, while also giving up 20. So is the problem on offense or defense? I bet dollars to donuts that the problem was on special teams. Double agent Levy Tate missed 2 XPs and 8 FGs on the year. Clearly they need a new a kicker. In the first round, though? Hmm... Austin decides to bolster the defense, going with LB Craig Brand. I bet the strong user behind the player was the driving force. I could see Joe Smokes eating another year of regression to allow Brand to spend another year in the DSFL to develop.
01.10 (10): CTC — LB Liath Squirrel (MINN) @LiathTheSquirrel
Cape Town did in their first two years what Philadelphia couldn't in their last six: make the playoffs! Did the relocation really lift the curse? Has negs been vindicated? Well, say what you will about him, but his roster construction is on point. The imminent drop-offs in talent in the current roster are already ready to be shored up by their DSFL players. As such, the Crash don't have many needs. They do, however, have one LB retiring, one aging, and one on the verge of inactivity. Plus, you can never have too many LBs. With that, they select Liath Squirrel. She was the clear leader of Minnesota's LB corps, amassing 103 tackles, 13 TFLs, 6 sacks, 4 PDs, 1 INT, 3 FFs, and 1 safety.
01.11 (11): COL [from OCO (merely using away team as loser)] — RB Kyle Crane (TIJ) @Ultimatedestroye
Colorado triple-dips in the first round of this strong class. Already having addressed their WR and LB needs, the Yeti now focus on RB. With Triple Option going to chair heaven, Colorado selects Kyle Crane to potentially replace IA Marvin Toledo. In Tijuana, Crane shared the workload with Gucci Gurley so he already has the team-player mindset. He may also see some WR3 reps in certain formations. Colorado finishes a strong first round with potentially three day-one starters.
01.12 (12): CHI (merely using away team as loser) — LB Max Honestly (LON) @"LeSizz"
Despite finishing so high, Chicago has many needs. They may be legally compelled to move to Switzerland and change the mascot to cheese. As is an ISFL defense, the main cog is the linebacker, so the Butchers take Max Honestly. Honestly started out as a TE for London, but also spent some time at FB and in the slot. He's also known as the Pixel King, but I'm too much of a boomer to know what that means, but he has acquired a nice cache of funds from this reputation. Maybe he's really good at Lego-building. Anyway, this kind of versatility could be instrumental in allowing Chicago a speedy rebuild.
01.13 (13): YKW (merely using away team as loser) — CB Kadarius Claypool II (NOR) @Weaves
The gruesome defense of the Wraiths receives another quick visit from their cousin, the Grim Reaper, as almost the entire unit takes another hit of regression. The sudden retirement of Jack McPherson does not help matters, but Yellowknife can be slightly assuaged by Toad Wananapaoa waiting in the wings. YKW leaning defense should not be a surprise, and they look to a coveted position by selecting CB Kadarius Claypool II. Claypool was all over the field in his first-year stint with Norfolk. He garnered 81 tackles, popped out 3 balls, and shut down 28 passes, 3 of which he nabbed out of the air. This could be a strong start to their new generation of defense.
01.14 (14): AZ (merely using home team as winner) — CB Bill Cravy (MINN) @KlausGoatCasinos
Arizona sits at the cusp of being old, but not too old, so they will still be a force to be reckoned with. Their DB room takes the biggest beating, though, namely the safety position. With the two premiere safeties already off the board and the next one off at some weird darkness retreat, the Outlaws opt for a cornerback and take Bill Cravy of the Minnesota Grey Ducks. Cravy could spend another year with the Ducks to further develop, then head up the following season to see some time at both the nickel and safety slots.
02.01 (15): NYS — DT Dub Redd (TIJ) @wizard_literal
Round 2 begins and New York is back on the board. Since teams in the first round didn't seem to prioritize d-line, the Silverbacks are able to take this stud in DT Dub Redd in the second round. Just a testament to how deep this draft is. Lionel Scrimmage appears to be the only impactful d-lineman remaining in New York's trenches so we could see another true rookie starter being employed by the Silverbacks. Speaking of impactful, Redd practically lived in the opponents' backfield, earning himself 10 TFLs, 6 sacks, and the ever-rare safety.
02.02 (16): SJS (from BAL) — TE Nick Williams (LON) @nickWilliams
The SaberCats get to make their first pick of the draft. They could use a little bit of everything, but the void that is most glaring is the one made by the departure of TE Deshawn Penne. In steps the artist know as Nick Williams. He shared the spot with Max Honestly for most of the season and had to compete with London's deep WR room, but he produced with his opportunities, catching 47 passes for 492 yards (10.5 YPC) and snagging 5 touchdowns. He even managed a personal best 64-yard catch-and-run against the Seawolves in Week 12. Likely a Day 1 starter for San Jose.
02.03 (17): HON — DE Bruce White (POR) @toofpete
Back to the D-line we go. The Hahalua seemed to have gambled by taking a safety in the first round, considering they only had TWO defensive linemen all season, but the gamble paid off as they are in prime position to select DE Bruce White, a member of the fearsome front seven of the Pythons and who tied the DSFL season sack record of 18. Honolulu looks to be on the upswing and the addition of White could push them into .500 territory next season.
02.04 (18): SJS — LB DJ Maclean (BBB) @Urq660
Two picks later, San Jose gets to make their second pick of the draft. With TE addressed, they get to look at the older parts of their roster, and the spotlight shines on LB Ioe Torrent. Torrent will have must of his soul sucked out of him on his fifth regression, so the SaberCats battle Father Time by taking LB DJ Maclean. Coincidentally, this user's former player was also a SaberCat so a culture fit should not be a problem.
02.05 (19): BER — WR Emile Charles (POR) @Number 82
Another latecomer to the draft, Berlin finally gets to be on the clock. Their season could be deemed a disappointment as they appeared to have all the pieces to push for playoff contention, but instead they finished at 5-10-1. The Fire Sallies made a couple of trades near the end of the season, getting a possible mainstay RB in Armor Queen, but losing big receiver Octavio Pérez. Pérez allegedly wanted to test free agency, so Berlin made a smart move in getting something for him. To make up for Pérez's absence, the Fire Salamanders grab WR Emile Charles. They may not need his contributions right away, but with Zayne Dangle starting his fight against regression, Charles is a timely pick.
02.06 (20): NOLA — DT Jumbo Edward (POR) @furiousPanda
Hmm, controversial pick? No no, this isn't that person, so we're not talking about that sort of controversy. Anyway, let's move on to the next!
02.07 (21): COL — WR Benji Aguilera (TIJ) @CROney3
Colorado gets to make their fourth pick in the first two rounds! At this juncture, the Yeti select... another receiver? Is this a gamble? I would wager that some say the high-flying Yeeti were the best version of themselves, and I don't think this is a bluff. Current QB Laughlove may not get to fully enjoy this new generation Yeeti to the full extent, but I bet NCADV RAINN waiting in the wings is salivating at all these targets. Odds are Aguilera will raise the roof on this Yeti squad and bring the house down.
02.08 (22): SAR — DT Billy Jor-El (MINN) @LtHudz
The Sailfish would ideally look for a DB or RB here, but with DT Billy Jor-El still on the board, this was a player they could not pass up. Since Mama McHits is partially stuck in quicksand and Mistah Freddy is IA, the pick of Jor-El is by no means bad. Despite playing a glamour-less position, Jor-El still managed to tally 4 TFLs and 4 sacks on 48 tackles. He even got in the turnover mix with 1 FF and 1 FR. If Jor-El continues to develop, the combination of he and Ginand Toxic could become the next pillar of Sarasota's defensive line.
02.09 (23): AUS — K/P Ray Baker (KCC) @jdc4654
We are back to Austin. Will they right the egregious wrong they committed in the first round? They do! With the 23rd overall pick, the Copperheads take the legend himself, Ray Baker! This kicker/punter has more style and pizzazz in his pinky finger than you commoners have in your entire body. Look at those sports goggles! Look at that single-bar facemask. More rizz cannot possibly ooze out of this player. Austin will no longer lose by 3 or fewer points because this can't-miss pick can't miss (don't check his stats).
02.10 (24): CTC — CB Benjamin Duvernay (POR) @Purpl3Spartan
Having shored up the LB position, Cape Town comes back to tend to their need at CB. Bageshwari Singh gets his first bonk on the head, and Art Deco's doorstep is beginning to darken. Plus, the Crash's nickelback appears to be semi-IA. CTC snaps up CB Benjamin Duvernay. Duvernay led the league with a whopping 30 PDs. Perhaps when he makes the big leagues, all the passes thrown his way will... crash.
02.11 (25): SJS [from OCO (merely using away team as loser)] — WR Legs McMillion (NOR) @jollyjiggs
San Jose gets their third selection in this round, and they handpick— err... legpick?... WR Legs McMillion! How does he talk? How does he eat? How is going to watch John Wick: Chapter 4? You'll have to ask the owl that eats Tootsie Pops. Despite all these supposed hindrances, the thighs that Saquon wished he had caught 45 balls for 906 yards and 4 TDs. An eye-opening 55.6% of his catches were for first downs. First downs mean more opportunities. Is this why Norfolk finished #1 in the regular season? Ask the owl.
02.12 (26): CHI (merely using away team as loser) — CB Synystyr Gates (TIJ) @Dustillation
Chicago is back on the clock to patch more holes. Luckily, this class has goodies of all sorts, and the Butchers are able to nab CB Synystyr Gates to bolster their secondary. Gates garnered a respectable 17 PDs and 2 INTs, but the 7 missed tackles will be something he will have to work on. With Chicago needing bodies, however, Gates may be thrown straight into the dragon's den and may have to test his mettle against the big boys.
02.13 (27): YKW (merely using away team as loser) — WR Artemis Entreri (MINN) @entreri
Yellowknife balances offense and defense and takes WR Artemis Entreri? How is this guy still available? The Wraiths sure aren't going to ask twice. Entreri definitely fills a future need as Bern D. Brot is soon to be running on his ankle bones. The biggest skill Entreri seems to possess is finding the first down marker. His first down rate of 61.7% is even higher than that of the receiver with no upper body... which I guess after seeing the words on paper isn't that much of a feat... but this is the ISFL! Everyone is on even footing! No mercy! Entreri will be a welcome force for the Wraiths' receiving corps!
02.14 (28): AZ (merely using home team as winner) — DE Rolud Onyxgut (BBB) @crash1005
Speaking of players still on the board, how is Arizona still able to select DE Rolud Onyxgut at this point of the draft? This class is deep, I tell ya. DEEP! The Onyxgut and Xah'Aawrone pair could anchor the Outlaws' defensive trenches for years to come. Onyxgut's statline of 2055 is nothing to scoff at with totals of 42 tackles, 5 TFLs, 1 FF, 1 FR, 7 sacks, and 1 safety. Are the rich getting richer? We'll see for how long Arizona stays on top of the ASFC.
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Okay, folks! Let's step back away a bit to let the professor finish his lecture. This is the conclusion of our tour! As you can see, drafting requires a lot of mental fortitude! We hope you found the campus pleasant! If you make a wide right turn up ahead on your way out, you'll pass the construction department where you can grab yourselves a free Big Board and some markers. We hope you join us in the area of Mockademia!