04-04-2023, 01:59 PM
(This post was last modified: 04-04-2023, 07:01 PM by xenosthelegend. Edited 1 time in total.)
With the draft right around the corner and the scouts no longer knocking at the door I have decided to let each team know why they should pick me instead of Ugly Panda @juniped.
Every scout that I've talked to has asked the same question "what is your goal and the ISFL" and my answer has always been the same, "Be picked before Juni".
Now I don't how these GMs feel about it and if they see me as some kind of diva but they have to understand that Juni is an even bigger one and doesn't deserve to go before me.
First let's start with the TPE.
"Oh no Hall you're a bad earner no way you have more TPE"
Guess what bozo, I do.
I have an elite level of TPE sitting at, what I'm sure is a record, 237 TPE.
Compare that to Organic Panda's measley 169 (with 4 of it banked. Wow look at Mr. I Believe in Banks)
So yea your boy is a supermax earner now and that doesn't even count my soft TPE which I'm sure is over 1000 by now due to all of my intangibles.
Now look you might be thinking "TPE isn't everything maybe he's a better position fit" well that's just what people with bad taste in positions think.
Tight Ends are the best most versatile position on the field. Every GM has asked me to change because I'm so much better than Juni that they want me to beat him 1 on 1 as a WR but I'm purposely dunking on him as a TE just to prove I can be slower and still better at catching bomb and bangin moms (fuckin celly boys).
Let's see who's faster... Oh wow it's me. 90 speed vs slow boy at 60.
The man couldn't even get a ticket on a highway he's so slow.
Let's see who's stronger... Dang it's me again.
Let's see who's more intelligent... That one is a given that I'm the smartest.
So what does have Orgasmic Panda have going for him?
Agility? Oh wow he's a Pokemon move that makes you harder to hit. Wow. I'll make sure I delete that for Thunder like a real Pokemon master you nerd.
I asked Juni why he's so bad and he told me he's a "kick return specialist" which means he only performs when his team is letting the other team score. Yea good job there champ I bet teams are lining up to draft a human (Panda?) Surrender Flag. Should've named yourself Confederate Panda.
So now that you know why I'm better than Juni in every way (I didn't bring up looks or locker room chemistry because I didn't want him to feel bad for being a LR cancer that only a mother could love) let's break down why I'm a better fit for every team than Juni is.
The Baltimore Hawks. This one should be pretty easy, I was a GM that won a ring in the city of Crab cakes. What was Juni doing at that time? Rebranding Philly to Cape Town. You're welcome Baltimore.
Berlin Fire Salamanders. DeWalt and I had a long talk about how drama filled Juni is and even though they need Wide Receivers they aren't desperate enough to draft one that brings twice as much drama and half the talent. Yea they have 2 TEs already but none of them are me. So Berlin I'll be expecting that call.
Chicago Butchers. You want to talk about a team that knows what they want then oh boy is Chicago the place to be. The Butchers have had a history of characters go through their organization and even Juni is too much for them. Who wants to draft another Weeb that doesn't even like good anime (wtf even is Dinosaur King). Don't worry I watch cool manly shows like Below Deck and Love is Blind.
[REDACTED TO AVOID A PUNISHMENT THREAD]
Philadelphia liberty Cape Town Crash. I said your logo was cool and Juni didn't. Also Pat I know you're not a GM anymore but I know you're tired of Juni.
Sarasota Sailfish. Fronk I won't play WW with you ever again if you pick Juni.
Yellowknife Wraiths. YKW is a very professional team full of many successful seasons. No one loses in the ultimus better than YKW folks. With that said you need a known Ultimus Winner like myself not someone who's greatest accomplishment is rebranding a PBE team just to get fired because PBE HO can't do math because they're too busy hi-5ing each other.
Arizona Outlaws. I don't know much about you but I think you're cool and we should hang out sometime. Juni once said Arizona will never win again because Corbin Carroll is overrated.
Austin Copperheads. I have visited Austin and think it's a cool city. Juni once said "Austin's keep it weird slogan is just a thing so they can raise prices on shitty BBQ"
Honolulu Hahahalohahaloua. Juni hates Hawaiians and thinks America should sell the state to Australia.
Orange County Otters. To all my OCO friends from BBB, Juni was apart of Norfolk (the HOfolk group) ?. While I was there with you in the drama chat telling you that yes I did tamper Cory and I didn't regret it.
New Orleans Second Line. Mith I know you don't want to throw the ball to a slow WR when you can have an elite TE that won't join another War Room 5 minutes before the draft starts.
San Jose Sabercats. CK I know you've been around a very long time and have seen the downs, the ups, and then even more downs I know you'd like to have a player that has failed along with you until reaching the mountain top. Unlike Juni who's GMing history consists of multiple failed rebrands, trading away all of his talent to become the worst team in PBE history, hired multiple coGMs that all went IA immediately before finally getting absolutely bodied by Shue so he could move a team to space that way no one on earth would have to see the mess Juni made.
New York Silverbacks. This is a Woelkers team and idk if Woelkers likes me or not so this one might draft Juni instead.
So that about wraps up why I am the superior prospect to Juni in every way.
*Note: Juni is trash at Trials of Osiris and a terrible raid leader and he's not that drippy
Every scout that I've talked to has asked the same question "what is your goal and the ISFL" and my answer has always been the same, "Be picked before Juni".
Now I don't how these GMs feel about it and if they see me as some kind of diva but they have to understand that Juni is an even bigger one and doesn't deserve to go before me.
First let's start with the TPE.
"Oh no Hall you're a bad earner no way you have more TPE"
Guess what bozo, I do.
I have an elite level of TPE sitting at, what I'm sure is a record, 237 TPE.
Compare that to Organic Panda's measley 169 (with 4 of it banked. Wow look at Mr. I Believe in Banks)
So yea your boy is a supermax earner now and that doesn't even count my soft TPE which I'm sure is over 1000 by now due to all of my intangibles.
Now look you might be thinking "TPE isn't everything maybe he's a better position fit" well that's just what people with bad taste in positions think.
Tight Ends are the best most versatile position on the field. Every GM has asked me to change because I'm so much better than Juni that they want me to beat him 1 on 1 as a WR but I'm purposely dunking on him as a TE just to prove I can be slower and still better at catching bomb and bangin moms (fuckin celly boys).
Let's see who's faster... Oh wow it's me. 90 speed vs slow boy at 60.
The man couldn't even get a ticket on a highway he's so slow.
Let's see who's stronger... Dang it's me again.
Let's see who's more intelligent... That one is a given that I'm the smartest.
So what does have Orgasmic Panda have going for him?
Agility? Oh wow he's a Pokemon move that makes you harder to hit. Wow. I'll make sure I delete that for Thunder like a real Pokemon master you nerd.
I asked Juni why he's so bad and he told me he's a "kick return specialist" which means he only performs when his team is letting the other team score. Yea good job there champ I bet teams are lining up to draft a human (Panda?) Surrender Flag. Should've named yourself Confederate Panda.
So now that you know why I'm better than Juni in every way (I didn't bring up looks or locker room chemistry because I didn't want him to feel bad for being a LR cancer that only a mother could love) let's break down why I'm a better fit for every team than Juni is.
The Baltimore Hawks. This one should be pretty easy, I was a GM that won a ring in the city of Crab cakes. What was Juni doing at that time? Rebranding Philly to Cape Town. You're welcome Baltimore.
Berlin Fire Salamanders. DeWalt and I had a long talk about how drama filled Juni is and even though they need Wide Receivers they aren't desperate enough to draft one that brings twice as much drama and half the talent. Yea they have 2 TEs already but none of them are me. So Berlin I'll be expecting that call.
Chicago Butchers. You want to talk about a team that knows what they want then oh boy is Chicago the place to be. The Butchers have had a history of characters go through their organization and even Juni is too much for them. Who wants to draft another Weeb that doesn't even like good anime (wtf even is Dinosaur King). Don't worry I watch cool manly shows like Below Deck and Love is Blind.
[REDACTED TO AVOID A PUNISHMENT THREAD]
Philadelphia liberty Cape Town Crash. I said your logo was cool and Juni didn't. Also Pat I know you're not a GM anymore but I know you're tired of Juni.
Sarasota Sailfish. Fronk I won't play WW with you ever again if you pick Juni.
Yellowknife Wraiths. YKW is a very professional team full of many successful seasons. No one loses in the ultimus better than YKW folks. With that said you need a known Ultimus Winner like myself not someone who's greatest accomplishment is rebranding a PBE team just to get fired because PBE HO can't do math because they're too busy hi-5ing each other.
Arizona Outlaws. I don't know much about you but I think you're cool and we should hang out sometime. Juni once said Arizona will never win again because Corbin Carroll is overrated.
Austin Copperheads. I have visited Austin and think it's a cool city. Juni once said "Austin's keep it weird slogan is just a thing so they can raise prices on shitty BBQ"
Honolulu Hahahalohahaloua. Juni hates Hawaiians and thinks America should sell the state to Australia.
Orange County Otters. To all my OCO friends from BBB, Juni was apart of Norfolk (the HOfolk group) ?. While I was there with you in the drama chat telling you that yes I did tamper Cory and I didn't regret it.
New Orleans Second Line. Mith I know you don't want to throw the ball to a slow WR when you can have an elite TE that won't join another War Room 5 minutes before the draft starts.
San Jose Sabercats. CK I know you've been around a very long time and have seen the downs, the ups, and then even more downs I know you'd like to have a player that has failed along with you until reaching the mountain top. Unlike Juni who's GMing history consists of multiple failed rebrands, trading away all of his talent to become the worst team in PBE history, hired multiple coGMs that all went IA immediately before finally getting absolutely bodied by Shue so he could move a team to space that way no one on earth would have to see the mess Juni made.
New York Silverbacks. This is a Woelkers team and idk if Woelkers likes me or not so this one might draft Juni instead.
So that about wraps up why I am the superior prospect to Juni in every way.
*Note: Juni is trash at Trials of Osiris and a terrible raid leader and he's not that drippy