07-29-2023, 12:20 AM
(This post was last modified: 08-02-2023, 08:49 AM by lemonoppy. Edited 1 time in total.)
DSFL Rookie Potentially Abducted By Men In Black
Reported for the Midwestern Arcane - by Ulysses Babineaux
Of the many prospects in the development branch of the ISFL, one of the recruits making quite the splash of late has been Paul McLaughlin. Known throughout his time at Louisiana State University as "The Bayou Bruiser" and "That big guy who says a lot of weird shit," the former center has tallied a respectable nine pancakes over his first three starts in the league. The fan favorite of Tiger Nation is a New Orleans native was widely praised for his charity work in underprivileged communities in the city, as well as his activism for better working conditions for school staff.
However, this reporter has received information from sources within the Mexico City Aztec's organization that speaks to a significantly less pristine image. While none within the team's office could deny his work ethic or the passion he brings to the practice field, it is an opinion held by many on the team's staff that something about the new Guard isn't quite right.
It all begins a week or so ago when I am told Paul began talking to teammates and staff about a conspiracy theory he had read online. A theory so dangerous, so salacious, so off the walls insane that it has gotten the attention of forces deep within multiple national governments. If what Paul was rumored to have discovered is enough to shake the very foundations of religion, society, of our entire planet.
Paul McLaughlin believes our world is a carefully run and maintained simulation. That the caretakers of our universe is not a kind and benevolent God, or ancient dark deities, but a bunch of people in a forum who really just love pretending to be football players.
When a trainer who wishes to remain anonymous informed of this, I can tell you dear reader I was flabbergasted. I was befuddled. I was downright confused. But that confusion was only multiplied when I learned about what brings this story into my orbit. Frequent readers of this column and indeed of this publication know that benign sports rumors are far from our primary focus.
I was informed of, and allowed to see the security footage pertaining to, an apparent incident at the Aztec's practice facility. On the morning of Monday, July 24th, two men in black suits are seen entering the facility through the main entrance. They are very tall, wearing long trench coats and wide black hats. They have black gloves, black shoes. From the footage it looks like the suits are of a very old cut and make. Maybe the 1940's? But I might be projecting. I would need to get a closer look from a different angle.
The two men flash what appear to be badges at the security desk and continue to walk past and into the facility proper. I am told by one of the employees who had been working the desk that morning that the men were very pale. Their features were very plain, except for their lips which were very thin and bright red. Their eyes were grey and always looked straight ahead. If they needed to look at something to the side, they would turn their whole heads to look. Like birds, or the Mandalorian.
In subsequent interviews with noted subject matter experts in the field of Ufology, it this reporter's conjecture that these men may not have been men at all, or perhaps even human. I showed the footage to a leading expert on the activities of the Majestic Twelve. Readers who are not aware will no doubt be shocked to learn that the Majestic Twelve (MJ12) are a shadowy council of individuals who manage our interplanetary affairs with extraterrestrial entities.
Further in the security footage, the two men can be seen walking through the Aztec facilities while apparently knowing where they're going. Having been to that same facility not too long ago, allow me to assure you that the building is not easy to navigate. It is huge and there are enough rooms to start a beach resort. But these individuals seem to have an incredible sense of direction. Perhaps...a supernatural one?
The two men wearing black eventually enter the Aztec weight room where the linemen from both sides of the ball were getting their lifts in. Sources report that McLaughlin was squatting somewhere around 800lbs. I was able to secure an interview with one of the Aztec offensive tackles and got a pretty clear idea of the conversation that took place.
I will admit that I double checked that the amount he was lifting was correct, and received multiple confirmations. One of the Aztec strength and conditioning staff stated "They don't call him the Bayou Bruiser for nothing, y'know? Dude's strong as shit."
What follows is a transcription of that conversation as can be pieced together by watching the footage and my interview with the player that requested to remain anonymous.
The three of them then leave through the same lobby that the two men used to enter. One of them leads the 315 pound lineman outside with no visible indicator of any fear at all, and the other leaves an envelope at the security desk. Within said envelope is a letter that says the new starting guard for the Aztecs is being sent to a special DSFL training seminar and will return in time for the Prospect Bowl.
Now reader, I know what you're thinking. That this is probably one of those stories we hear about all the time where the DSFL home office makes secretive decrees and has a small police force of their own creation to enforce their will. But there are just enough parts of this story that make it fishy for this to be just another investigation.
This, to me, indicates a large reaction to Paul's theories that crossed national borders. This is an American citizen, born on the bayou to a witchy woman. And this man was seemingly abducted by an organization that by right has no legal authority to do so. My requests for interviews within the DSFL's headquarters have been entirely denied, not even receiving a lack of comment, just ignored or sent back.
Is this insane? Have I lost my mind? Possibly, dear reader, but I will not rest until I find out what exactly happened to Paul McLaughlin over those five days of "training."
As we all know, he showed up exactly on time for the Aztecs' game with the Davos Mountaineers, where he recorded five pancakes against a fierce defensive front. Teammates and coaches tell me that he was unusually focused for the game, without his usual exuberance. Less talkative, less energetic, but more singularly focused on football.
Over the next two weeks I'm told he gradually became much more like his old self, back to cracking jokes and playing the occasional prank on the other offensive linemen. While this is no doubt a relief both to the team and the people in Paul's personal life, two questions remain. They've combined to form one mystery that has consumed my every waking hour since I first started investigating this story.
What happened in those five days? And why did Powers that Be take the ramblings of one conspiracy theorist so seriously?
Another, far more sinister question has started dominating my thoughts of late as well. If McLaughlin was not a well connected professional athlete, what would have happened to him? Would he have disappeared and simply never reappeared? Would he appear in any news publication at all?
What will happen to me, if this story goes to print?
I must confess that I do not know what the future holds. I look at the stars at night and wonder if they are simulated. If I, indeed, am simulated. It is impossible to know with any certainty if I have been programmed to doubt my own existence, but wouldn't that ability to ponder also mean that I am real?
Perhaps Paul had the same fears. I fully intend to find out what happened to him. It is a terrifying possibility that he has been replaced with a vat-grown clone that knows not to question his existence or the authority of the DSFL. Or that his mind has been subjected to some combination of MK Ultra era chemicals and brainwashing to make him a more compliant and idealized player.
These questions will certainly lead to more questions as Paul gets drafted to a DSFL team and begins to play in regular season games at a regular pace. And let me tell you, dear reader, that I will continue to follow these events with a serious eye. If this story ceases to be published, you can know that those powers that be have gotten to me.
Otherwise, I will not let this go. I will find out the truth.
And I will bring it to you, dear readers of the Midwestern Arcane, and let you decide.
Reported for the Midwestern Arcane - by Ulysses Babineaux
Of the many prospects in the development branch of the ISFL, one of the recruits making quite the splash of late has been Paul McLaughlin. Known throughout his time at Louisiana State University as "The Bayou Bruiser" and "That big guy who says a lot of weird shit," the former center has tallied a respectable nine pancakes over his first three starts in the league. The fan favorite of Tiger Nation is a New Orleans native was widely praised for his charity work in underprivileged communities in the city, as well as his activism for better working conditions for school staff.
However, this reporter has received information from sources within the Mexico City Aztec's organization that speaks to a significantly less pristine image. While none within the team's office could deny his work ethic or the passion he brings to the practice field, it is an opinion held by many on the team's staff that something about the new Guard isn't quite right.
It all begins a week or so ago when I am told Paul began talking to teammates and staff about a conspiracy theory he had read online. A theory so dangerous, so salacious, so off the walls insane that it has gotten the attention of forces deep within multiple national governments. If what Paul was rumored to have discovered is enough to shake the very foundations of religion, society, of our entire planet.
Paul McLaughlin believes our world is a carefully run and maintained simulation. That the caretakers of our universe is not a kind and benevolent God, or ancient dark deities, but a bunch of people in a forum who really just love pretending to be football players.
When a trainer who wishes to remain anonymous informed of this, I can tell you dear reader I was flabbergasted. I was befuddled. I was downright confused. But that confusion was only multiplied when I learned about what brings this story into my orbit. Frequent readers of this column and indeed of this publication know that benign sports rumors are far from our primary focus.
I was informed of, and allowed to see the security footage pertaining to, an apparent incident at the Aztec's practice facility. On the morning of Monday, July 24th, two men in black suits are seen entering the facility through the main entrance. They are very tall, wearing long trench coats and wide black hats. They have black gloves, black shoes. From the footage it looks like the suits are of a very old cut and make. Maybe the 1940's? But I might be projecting. I would need to get a closer look from a different angle.
The two men flash what appear to be badges at the security desk and continue to walk past and into the facility proper. I am told by one of the employees who had been working the desk that morning that the men were very pale. Their features were very plain, except for their lips which were very thin and bright red. Their eyes were grey and always looked straight ahead. If they needed to look at something to the side, they would turn their whole heads to look. Like birds, or the Mandalorian.
In subsequent interviews with noted subject matter experts in the field of Ufology, it this reporter's conjecture that these men may not have been men at all, or perhaps even human. I showed the footage to a leading expert on the activities of the Majestic Twelve. Readers who are not aware will no doubt be shocked to learn that the Majestic Twelve (MJ12) are a shadowy council of individuals who manage our interplanetary affairs with extraterrestrial entities.
Further in the security footage, the two men can be seen walking through the Aztec facilities while apparently knowing where they're going. Having been to that same facility not too long ago, allow me to assure you that the building is not easy to navigate. It is huge and there are enough rooms to start a beach resort. But these individuals seem to have an incredible sense of direction. Perhaps...a supernatural one?
The two men wearing black eventually enter the Aztec weight room where the linemen from both sides of the ball were getting their lifts in. Sources report that McLaughlin was squatting somewhere around 800lbs. I was able to secure an interview with one of the Aztec offensive tackles and got a pretty clear idea of the conversation that took place.
I will admit that I double checked that the amount he was lifting was correct, and received multiple confirmations. One of the Aztec strength and conditioning staff stated "They don't call him the Bayou Bruiser for nothing, y'know? Dude's strong as shit."
What follows is a transcription of that conversation as can be pieced together by watching the footage and my interview with the player that requested to remain anonymous.
Quote:Paul: Who are you two suit and tie motherfuckers?
Man 1: Are you Paul McLaughlin, who is currently residing at the Gran Hotel Ciudad de México which is at 16 de Septiembre 82?
P: Depends who's asking, but I know I paid my tab at the club.
[This elicits a chuckle from several nearby teammates.]
Man 2: We are.
P: Yeah, I got that. And yeah, I'm him. What's it to you?
Man 1: You need to come with us.
Trainer: Why does he need to do that?
Man 2: It is none of your concern. This is a (pause) DSFL matter.
P: What the fuck? What kind of DSFL matter? I'm clean, they've been testing me for weeks.
Man 1: We can explain in private.
Man 2: You need to come with us.
P: Anything you need to say, you can say out here. I don't keep no secrets, you hear me?
[Both men reach into the interior pockets of their coats. Everyone in the weight room appears to take notice, several players going to the other side of the room.]
T: Whoa whoa whoa! Can we all calm down, here? There's no need for any of this, alright? Just tell us what this is about, six five?
P: I have no fucking clue man! I haven't done anything the DSFL should want to grab me on!
Man 1: You will come with us.
Man 2: Or it will be bad for you.
Man 1: And the people you know.
Man 2: And the people that you have known.
Man 1: And the people that you will know.
[Paul looks to his trainer, then to the other players. All of them are making various gestures that all mean the same thing. They don't know what's going on either.]
P: Alright, alright, let's go then. I don't want you fuckin messing with everyone else's lift more than you are. Fuckin freaks.
T: You sure man? They give me a weird vibe.
P: They're literally threatening me in front of everyone here, man. They wouldn't be doing shit like that if I could just say no thank you and get away with it.
Man 1: You will come with us.
P: Yeah dude, I heard you the first time. Let's go.
The three of them then leave through the same lobby that the two men used to enter. One of them leads the 315 pound lineman outside with no visible indicator of any fear at all, and the other leaves an envelope at the security desk. Within said envelope is a letter that says the new starting guard for the Aztecs is being sent to a special DSFL training seminar and will return in time for the Prospect Bowl.
Now reader, I know what you're thinking. That this is probably one of those stories we hear about all the time where the DSFL home office makes secretive decrees and has a small police force of their own creation to enforce their will. But there are just enough parts of this story that make it fishy for this to be just another investigation.
- The timing. As soon as McLaughlin starts talking about his theory that the world we live in a simulation, the Men in Black show up. This speaks to a terrifying level of privacy invasion on the prospects. I highly doubt that any of the players or coaches would mention it in any serious official capacity in order to get the rookie in trouble.
- The Men In Black. Every person in the facility I talked to mentioned how off they were. How off putting. They blinked at the same interval every time, always in unison. They smelled of rotting eggs and a heavy perfume that had been used to try and mask the stench. And, most terrifying, one security guard noticed that the men didn't actually have lips. Those red lines were actually just lipstick.
- The Aztecs organization as a whole. Two unknown men with possibly fake credentials were allowed to enter the building without being challenged by anyone and were able to abduct a player without any single person speaking up about it. Hell, the trainer didn't even put up that much fight! He never called security, never alerted any other staff, just allowed one of the rookies to be taken from the building.
This, to me, indicates a large reaction to Paul's theories that crossed national borders. This is an American citizen, born on the bayou to a witchy woman. And this man was seemingly abducted by an organization that by right has no legal authority to do so. My requests for interviews within the DSFL's headquarters have been entirely denied, not even receiving a lack of comment, just ignored or sent back.
Is this insane? Have I lost my mind? Possibly, dear reader, but I will not rest until I find out what exactly happened to Paul McLaughlin over those five days of "training."
As we all know, he showed up exactly on time for the Aztecs' game with the Davos Mountaineers, where he recorded five pancakes against a fierce defensive front. Teammates and coaches tell me that he was unusually focused for the game, without his usual exuberance. Less talkative, less energetic, but more singularly focused on football.
Over the next two weeks I'm told he gradually became much more like his old self, back to cracking jokes and playing the occasional prank on the other offensive linemen. While this is no doubt a relief both to the team and the people in Paul's personal life, two questions remain. They've combined to form one mystery that has consumed my every waking hour since I first started investigating this story.
What happened in those five days? And why did Powers that Be take the ramblings of one conspiracy theorist so seriously?
Another, far more sinister question has started dominating my thoughts of late as well. If McLaughlin was not a well connected professional athlete, what would have happened to him? Would he have disappeared and simply never reappeared? Would he appear in any news publication at all?
What will happen to me, if this story goes to print?
I must confess that I do not know what the future holds. I look at the stars at night and wonder if they are simulated. If I, indeed, am simulated. It is impossible to know with any certainty if I have been programmed to doubt my own existence, but wouldn't that ability to ponder also mean that I am real?
Perhaps Paul had the same fears. I fully intend to find out what happened to him. It is a terrifying possibility that he has been replaced with a vat-grown clone that knows not to question his existence or the authority of the DSFL. Or that his mind has been subjected to some combination of MK Ultra era chemicals and brainwashing to make him a more compliant and idealized player.
These questions will certainly lead to more questions as Paul gets drafted to a DSFL team and begins to play in regular season games at a regular pace. And let me tell you, dear reader, that I will continue to follow these events with a serious eye. If this story ceases to be published, you can know that those powers that be have gotten to me.
Otherwise, I will not let this go. I will find out the truth.
And I will bring it to you, dear readers of the Midwestern Arcane, and let you decide.