*Reviewing Names of the S49 Draft

[HalfEatenOnionBagel]

HalfEatenOnionBagel, connoisseur of hype and fine things. Charmed, I'm sure.

Yes, I have finally returned to review a new class of names after 26 long seasons! I mean what was I even doing last time I wrote one of these articles? It was June 2020…….on second thought let’s not go back there, it was a silly place.

Some people will tell you that a rose by any other name is still a rose. What sort of fool cooked that garbage up? Names have power! Names have meaning! An otherwise average man with a great name can go on to do amazing things. By the same token, a man with a dreadful name is likely doomed to be weighed down by that name like some modern day Sisyphus.

Yes yes, we can all carve out our own destinies and fortunes to some extent. Look for example at a future hall of fame football player by the name of Aaron Donald. A man with two first names! The horror. And yet one of the most successful defensive players of all time. But his journey is not a typical one; he is certainly the exception and not the rule. Your name is so much more than a jumble of letters your parents threw together. Unless of course you're the poor child named Abcde or X Æ A-12.  But I digress, your name is your true essence, interwoven with every fiber of your being. As a football player, your name and the number you choose to wear seal your fate more than you could ever imagine, but numbers are still a discussion for another day. Come now with me on this journey to review the names of the S49 draftees. But first, forsake any preconceived ideas you may have about an alphabetical or numerical grading system. As if I would even believe in the validity of such a banal human construct! Let us instead look deeper into the power that each name holds, into its true essence.






D’Squarius Green Jr.

We’re starting this off with a banger. The aura of this name is just tremendous. I’m talking Big.League.Aura. The ISFL better be prepared for the Age of D’Squarius. I mean the rest of this name is just icing on the cake, color last names are classic. And you’re a tight end? HoF bound, book it.


Alexander Rockstone

ROCK AND STONE! Hell yeah, brother. Definitely need to go by Alex though, I mean Alexander what a mouthful. It’s like insisting everyone call you Mitchell instead of Mitch. Ghastly. Yeah yeah Alexander the Great whatever, he died when he was 33 y’know?


Tua Domine

We still doing the Hock Tua jokes or…? Oh thank goodness. I mean that was getting out of hand, now there are Tua of them! Now that one never gets old. Ahhh good ol Star Trek, ok what was I talking about again?


Dexter Morgan

Killer name, bro. For some reason this name makes me feel like your career won't end as well as people hope though. Hey don't look at me, it's your name.


Kim Yeon-Seok

A boy named Kim. Or are you a girl? Hold on, I need to go get Professor Oak for this one!


Connor Craig Jr. Jr.

Speaking of Kims, you ever seen Kim Possible? Cause clearly your family is just as confused about naming schemes as the one bad guy in there. Although I guess this raises an interesting question of if your father’s name was Connor Craig Jr. but he wasn’t a junior so you’re his direct junior. Perhaps he rejected his juniorship but legally has to name you this? Either way this is gonna look so stupid on a jersey. And for that reason, I’m out.


Joe Blaze

#420GlazeIt


Marshall von Hildebrand

Sort of a pretentious sounding name no? Well, sir, the polo field is over that way.

Ahh I'm joking, I'm joking

…. it's actually out that door right there. Bye, Felicia.


Sweet Sweet Ganjasmoke

#430GlazeIt


WW Jatt

This sounds like something those damn Gen Z kids who keep playing stickball on my lawn say. Why this doesn’t sound like a football name at all, it’s nothing but toilet noises!


Katya Zamolodchikova

Gesundheit!

(nailed it)


Julian McMorris II

This name was so boring I actually skipped it and forgot to come back to it. Well I mean I did come back to it obviously but I didn’t actually think of anything to really say about it….obviously. That is not a good sign, not a good sign, uhh have you considered being a kicker?


William Eaton

Wi’Eaton good tonight. This name actually doesn’t really inspire that much excitement but that was fun to say at least so 2 points to Minot State University.


Slam Dunkinson

FOOTBALL IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN BASKETBALL



B-b-b-b-b-basketball gimme gimme gimme the ball because I'm gonna dunk it!


Frosty Steele

Not spelled “Frostee”?! I mean what are we doing here, folks? Went from superhero to Christmas cartoon character in 2 seconds, damn. I really wanted to like this one, man, I really did. I can’t help you, I'm sorry.


Devin Mace

I mean naming yourself after a weapon automatically elevates you to another level. Just look at some prime examples: Blade, Lazer, Blazer….BUT IT REALLY ONLY WORKS IF IT’S YOUR ONLY NAME. DeViN, are you kidding me? Get him out of here. At least Mace will look good on the back of a jersey, yeesh. Mace Windu, man now that’s how you do a Mace full name. Star Trek had the best names.


FTBLLCMR4D RUS-KCKR-001

Boy, I said, boy, now what in tarnation am I looking at here? Your daddy musta just gone and slapped the keyboard like he was playing whack-a-mole or something when he typed your name into the birth certificate website.


Cedric Theriault

Yeah you can just follow ol Von Hildebrook or whatever his name was out that door too. NEXT


Harvin Marrison

This doesn’t sound like a football name at all, sorry not seeing it. NEXT


Duke Silverback

Oh my gosh, this name is so smooth, so sultry. With a name like this you just know this guy has moves on the field. Let me ask you something, ya like jazz?


-Baymax

This is that giant guy from the Ghostbusters right? Yeah that guy was scary, so I bet you’ll be a force on the field too.


Kevin Finnerty

I mean at least your name isn’t Kyle I guess but Finnerty is not doing you any favors either here. You got a middle name or something, kid? I’m trying here, I really am.


Liggy Jiggy

Awww yeah get jiggy with it, let’s go. Just such a fun name right here, you just gotta love the way it rolls off the tongue. You know Liggy is just a riot in the locker room. Plus putting Jiggy on the back of the jersey, you know it’s gonna be a top seller.

(Puts Liggy Jiggy jersey in shopping cart)


Secret Squirrel

You’re that ninja……


Billdozer Dauterieve

This is one hell of a name, my goodness I’m shedding tears right now just looking at it. Listen to me, son, all those other names out there, they aren’t comfortable with hard work and pain cause they’re all lazy.


Auto Matic

This name is just giving some kind of weird car gadget you’d buy by calling a toll free number you saw on an infomercial. Who are the ad wizards that cooked this one up?! I mean I guess that’s fine but you are gonna pay a lot for that muffler, and the cost is gonna be prohibitive! Look at me now, you got me all fired up. See that spitting, that’s the holy spirit right there. Automatically, systematically.

(Sweet sassy molassey why are there so many names???)


Benny The Jet

Are you the guy from that song? I mean this sort of raises the existential question of was Bennie also a Jet or were the Jets completely separate. Oh wait wait you spelled your name differently, so it’s not you? Maybe just an homage? I’ve sort of lost interest now unfortunately.


Hot Dam

Interesting, but I mean why is the dam so hot? Oh no. OH MY GOD, WE’RE HAVING A FIRE…..sale. OH THE BURNING, IT BURNS ME. EVACUATE ALL THE SCHOOL CHILDREN, AHHHH. Amazing graceeeeeeeeeee. THIS ISN’T A FEVER. CAN’T EVEN SEE WHERE THE KNOB IS.

And scene.

Also you know what they say about hot dams? Hot beavers.


Lakin Makin

I mean is it pronounced Lake-in Make-in, La-keen Make-in, Lake-in Ma-keen, or La-keen Ma-keen? I’m gonna need to do some more research to give a fair assessment of this one. What do you mean which of those is the best? If you can’t figure it out, I’m sorry there’s just no hope for you.


Zack Vega Jr.

Yeah this is a solid one, not too wordy and the vega just hits you hard. It’s like I’m just picturing this pitchy computerized voice singing: “VE-GA” as some blue dude sprints across the screen. Vega is a clean looking name on a jersey. The only thing that could really bang this one in a big spot is if the original name was tainted in any way. 


Richard Johnson

Bet you’re really proud of this one aren’t ya?


Lucas Graves

This one is clean too and Graves that’s just a solid football name right there, lots your team’s social media people can do with it. Put em in the ground.

Ok but for one second, a PSA: To anyone reading, please consider being an organ donor and/or donating your body to science when you pass instead of putting it in the ground in a grave where it will go to waste. You’re not gonna be using it anymore. Thank you in advance.


Tony Chazz

Chaz, no. But Chazz….yes! I’d use the Drake meme template but there’s children that look at these forums. Bing Bong, ayyy Tony let me get 2 sacks this game baby!


Deacon Blues

Oh yeah now this name is like music to my ears. I just know this guy is gonna be reelin in the passes for years, you feel me? TE GANG GANG.


Daniel Janser

See this is another one that I need some more information on. Is this a “soft J” like in jogging? Changes the entire vibe of this name if so. This name absolutely has me in a glass case of emotion right now.


Bazooka Nuttingham

Ok now see this is how you do a fucking weapon name right here. Bazooka Nuttingham, ladies and gentleman, this is some peak naming right here. First of all bazooka blows a mace out of the water every damn time, literally and figuratively. But then we slap Nuttingham on the backside of it. I mean think about when this guy scores a touchdown, the announcer is gonna go wild: “BAZOOOOOKAAAAA NUTTINGHAMMMMMMM” Chef’s kiss.

(Adds Bazooka Nuttingham jersey to cart)


Taylor’s BF’s Brother

Who the fuck is Tingus Pingus Taylor’s BF? Oh that guy? And you're his brother? What, are you like funny or something?


Martavius Spencer

Ohh, yes I adore the name Martavius. Perhaps one day I will name a child Martavius now that I’m seeing it here laid before my very eyes. Spencer is fine, I guess. Put them together and it’s an above average name. I could see a couple pro bowls for you.


Klaus Reinhardt

The history is very rich here. I don’t know about the football though. I guess we’ll see.


Oandon Lolanin

LOL

(so many of these names, doing this article again was a mistake….)


Thaal Sinestro

Have a nice trip, see ya next Thaal

(dude pull yourself together)


Tim Robinson

YOU GOTTA GIVE


Serhii Strynadka

Hey Serhii, give me a name I can actually pronounce.


Ajax Sakairus

Surely you can’t be Sakairus? I am and don’t call me Shirley.


Kool Kyle

The 90s called when it was actually cool to spell words that start with a C with a K and they want you to just stop, for the love of god, please just stop. Also, now you just have the name Kyle on the back of your jersey. I mean c’mon Benjals.


William Metzler

I’m pretty sure my youth pastor growing up was named William Metzler. No, he was not good at football. Checkmate, atheists.


Ben Hafkey

Would have been more useful if it had been a whole key! I mean ya can’t opun a dahr wif jus haf a key, lad.


Zimm Triumph

Mmmm two last names what did we talk about before? But hot damn (not hot dam), the last name Triumph is gonna make for a bomb ass jersey.

(Puts Triumph jersey on watch list, but not in cart. I’m not made of money ok, or I wouldn’t be writing this garbage.)


Jonah Wallis

When is a wall not a wall? When Wallis, Jonah. Alright you guys didn’t like that one? Damn, you know that one really killed last week in Houston.

(some people just can’t appreciate greatness, buddy, you’re the best)


Darius Fasttrack

Is he fast? Oh yeah he’s fast…..track. Put this boy on the fasttrack to the superstar club with a name like that. As for me, put me on the fasttrack to flavortown cause I think my iron levels are getting really low the longer I keep this article going.


Nathan Abel

He’s willing and Abel and that’s just Nathan for you. Dependable, solid, glue guy. Everyone could use a player like this.


Leonardo Goncalves

Are you named after the singer or the judoka? Cause I mean with a name like this the spectrum of outcomes is insane.


Jacques Hammer

If you’re concrete and he comes for ya, watch out baby. If you’re a human and he comes for ya, I’m about to file an OSHA violation. I’ll have you know I am a riot at parties, why do you ask?


Ralph Johnson XXVI

With a name this generic, I’m surprised there aren’t like 87 generations of Ralph Johnsons. To be fair though, Johnson is a classic last name for a football player so you’ll do just fine, kid.


Chris Receiverston

I mean this one is a little too on the nose, so I’m glad in the many twists and turns of your life you did in fact end up becoming a wide receiver. I mean could you imagine if you ended up being like a doctor or something? Would be a travesty.


Joe Brewer

I bet you go by JB don’t you? Well the world needs ditch diggers, too.



Honorable Mentions for some 57 and under TPE-ers

Bishop Miloy

With a name like this, I’d think this player could be a swiss army knife, a real chess piece on the field. Everyone else is playing checkers, but this guy isn't even playing 4D chess, he's playing chess on a tesseract. A chesseract if you will. Checkmate, atheists.


Cage Beers

Cage Beers definitely makes my top 5 for locale-based beers, coming in right between shower beers and divorce court beers.


Billy Joel

Wait, Billy Joel is in this draft class?! Babe, get in here you're not gonna believe this!

Just kidding everyone there is no “Babe”, it's just me here. By myself…..alone……single……so like you wanna grab a coffee sometime or what's up with you these days?


D Foo, Matt K

Did you not remember to finish typing in your full names?.


Ozzie Newsomthin

He sure did




==========================================

But now my time for this draft class has come to an end. Perhaps I will return for another one many moons from now, hopefully sooner than another 26 seasons. Thank you for those that stuck with me and my hope is that you have learned something here today in the necessity of crafting good names in a world full of tragedeighs. I beg of you, give your children wonderful, honorable names. Names that will not burden them but will help them ascend to greater heights.

As for now tired I am, rest I must.

(Killing it with these Star Trek references today)