So I was home for a bit back in England this off season and had been pondering how the season 17 NSFL draft would go. This question played on my mind as I wandered the streets of London and as I am not a GM I thought I would seek knowledge from the next best thing.
You see my 120 year old great grandmother is England's oldest living fortune teller, some call her a soothsayer, some call her a witch and man more still call her a mental old windbag who just won't die, however in our family we just know her as Mama Mendonca. She has predicted many things that have come to pass (such as the popularity of the George Foreman Grill and the popularity of the dance known as flossing) and others that did not (such as the use of flying cars by 1972 and Spain being invaded by a race of super intelligent mole people) but I thought asking her about the draft would be worth a shot. So I decided to leave the bright lights of London behind and took a trip up to the old seaside town of Skegness, to Mama Mendonca's old gypsy caravan, which is parked precariously on the end of the pier. Here is where Mama offers to read passer bys fortunes for a tenner (or a large battered sausage, chips and mushy peas). I have tried below to dictate what she said about each of the first round draft picks for season 17 (however I have left out her more nonsensical ramblings and the part where she spent 20 minutes shouting at a passing seagull who she accused being the reincarnation of a tinker who stole her best pack horse in 1952) I hope you all enjoy it.
1st pick:
I see a running man, with the name of fair maiden running, running, RUNNING into the arms of bronzen serpent in a cactus struin land with a single star in yonder sky. And you Mako are running beside him and the pair of you will create a legacy to which other shall weep with jealousy when they doth see the majestic pair of you running together in hot desert sun.
(I am assuming that she is predicting the Copperheads taking Ashley Owens with the 1st overall pick, a prediction many share, a good start for Mama)
2nd pick:
I see a man sitting in the corner, he was born in the lands of the everlasting firebird. He wears the small crown of little champion upon his brow and a peculiar harlequins mask upon his face, that of the southern fight men. He is approached by giant hairy mountain creature who upon meeting the man removes his aforementioned mask and follows thiy strange creature up, up to the mountains made of rock and stone and boulder.
(I believe she is predicting Jordan Andrews joining the Colorado Yetis as second pick of the draft, this has been easy so far)
3rd pick:
I see a man of great stature, named by the noise an infant makes. His fists are clenched, his aim is to stop men such as yourself Mako trying to run towards thou life's goals. He comes across one path then he doth come across second path. This large man follows the latter path down, DOWN to a steaming French city of swamps and beads and women of ill repute, for shame!
(So a bit tougher but I am pretty sure she is saying that Bubba Thumper will be picked by the New Orleans Second Line.)
4th pick:
I see a man, a man born in the snows of a northern land, he is a man of the fern upon a mountain's crest. This is a strange man, he appears to have the appearance of a strong lock box with a numbered dial upon its door. In doth lockbox this man tries to place both men and oval balls to keep them safe. The man is swiftly and suddenly snatched and lifted into the air betwixt the talon of a great bird with sharp claws and a cruel beak, and taken back to it's nesting ground in the land of Mary.
(Right Baltimore is in Maryland right? So I think she is saying Tyrone Brackenridge will be taken by the Baltimore Hawks for the 4th pick of the draft)
5th pick:
I see a man, the second of his name as his father carried that name before him. He doth carry a number of ill-fortune upon his back the foolish fool. He is wide man, with arms built for catching falling treasures and legs built for pathfinding along sacred lined fields. But as he runs his learned path he is joined by a monstrous cat, a cat from the depths of time with scimitars in thiy cat's mouth. This terror cat is now leading this wide man, leading him west to the spanish home of the holy carpenter man Joseph.
(So a bit easier this time, this must be Dexter Banks II being taken as the 5th.pick overall by the San Jose Sabre Cats)
6th pick:
I see a man, born on icy shores in a home shared with great white bears and magnificent horned whales. This man is named as a brave lion, but he takes great pleasure in running with the wide men, and with malicious intent trying to steal their falling treasures, the damned rogue! But he is now being led, led away by a ghostly visage with the face of a skull, begone creature of death, take no more souls to your lake of ice in the lands of the north ahhhhhhhhhh.
(I am not going to lie, Mama got a bit riled up by the Wraith in her vision which can only mean that it must have been the Yellowknife Wraiths 6th pick and at a guess she was talking about them taking Marvin Leonard)
7th pick:
A man, he is in the form of a delectable ring shaped confectionery and now appears before me, he is announcing to all that can hear his part in the quest for the small crown that you yourself Mako helped your sun bear friend find a year past. He wears new colours, and it is the yellow of a damable snake. But now LOOK a funny water rat, why it is the color of a carrot and has taken his hand within its small furry paws and is leading him back west to the land sun and of the round fruit.
(Again a bit easier, Mama is predicting Orange County Otters take Saba Donut with their number 7 pick)
8th pick:
I see large man with flameth hair and mischievous countenance. I can see him in his favoured place at the front of all things shaped somewhat like doth perfusion from a giant head, a NOSE. He is confronted now by a giant meat preparer from the land of lakes, who is gifting this man to your friend the brozen serpent after a pact between them was strucketh in the year past! The flameth haired man is beckoned by the serpent to follow it's trail, south to the desert land where you yourself reside.
(So this has to be my Austin Copperheads selecting Brayden Ennis with their 8th pick of the draft)
9th pick:
A man is now in my view, his name is that of a horseless carriage from the land of the rising sun. This man is simply standing there, his manner that that of intensity as his guards a line to his back. He is approached by a goddess of the Roman persuasion, it is Libertas, all hail Libertas, the personification of liberty! She is luring the poor man to the bell shaped city famed for loving ones brother.
(Ok this is easier, Honda Edmond to the Philadelphia Liberty for the 9th pick of the draft)
10th pick:
The last figure now approaches it is that is of a man, a man whose name doeth rhyme together like that of a saucy limerick. He is a tall man with hands like bucket to catch sky treasure in a zone of crimson. And as he hunts his treasure he is approached by a second man, this one doeth come on his fine stallion with hand cannons at his hips and a large brimmed hat doth reside on his head, ready to lead the rhyming named man down to the desert lands of the red men and the everlasting fire bird.
(Right last one, she is predicting that the Arizona Outlaws are taking wide receiver Action Jackson with the 10th and final pick of the draft)
Before I leave Mama's smokey caravan I give her the required 10 quid for her troubles but then make grave mistake, I ask her about the greatest and most controversial of all NSFL debates, whether hot dogs are sandwiches. I have barely let the question pass my lips and I am chased out of the caravan and down the pier by a spirit of who I now believe to be John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich and creator of the sandwich. As he chases me he is spitting curses about how dare I besmirch his greatest achievements fine name by trying to include emulsified tubes of pig in a silly long bun as part of its legacy. Well that settles the argument once and for all. Time to hop on a plane back to Austin and get ready to welcome in the season 17 rookies, whoever they might be.
Ready for marking (word count 1600)
You see my 120 year old great grandmother is England's oldest living fortune teller, some call her a soothsayer, some call her a witch and man more still call her a mental old windbag who just won't die, however in our family we just know her as Mama Mendonca. She has predicted many things that have come to pass (such as the popularity of the George Foreman Grill and the popularity of the dance known as flossing) and others that did not (such as the use of flying cars by 1972 and Spain being invaded by a race of super intelligent mole people) but I thought asking her about the draft would be worth a shot. So I decided to leave the bright lights of London behind and took a trip up to the old seaside town of Skegness, to Mama Mendonca's old gypsy caravan, which is parked precariously on the end of the pier. Here is where Mama offers to read passer bys fortunes for a tenner (or a large battered sausage, chips and mushy peas). I have tried below to dictate what she said about each of the first round draft picks for season 17 (however I have left out her more nonsensical ramblings and the part where she spent 20 minutes shouting at a passing seagull who she accused being the reincarnation of a tinker who stole her best pack horse in 1952) I hope you all enjoy it.
1st pick:
I see a running man, with the name of fair maiden running, running, RUNNING into the arms of bronzen serpent in a cactus struin land with a single star in yonder sky. And you Mako are running beside him and the pair of you will create a legacy to which other shall weep with jealousy when they doth see the majestic pair of you running together in hot desert sun.
(I am assuming that she is predicting the Copperheads taking Ashley Owens with the 1st overall pick, a prediction many share, a good start for Mama)
2nd pick:
I see a man sitting in the corner, he was born in the lands of the everlasting firebird. He wears the small crown of little champion upon his brow and a peculiar harlequins mask upon his face, that of the southern fight men. He is approached by giant hairy mountain creature who upon meeting the man removes his aforementioned mask and follows thiy strange creature up, up to the mountains made of rock and stone and boulder.
(I believe she is predicting Jordan Andrews joining the Colorado Yetis as second pick of the draft, this has been easy so far)
3rd pick:
I see a man of great stature, named by the noise an infant makes. His fists are clenched, his aim is to stop men such as yourself Mako trying to run towards thou life's goals. He comes across one path then he doth come across second path. This large man follows the latter path down, DOWN to a steaming French city of swamps and beads and women of ill repute, for shame!
(So a bit tougher but I am pretty sure she is saying that Bubba Thumper will be picked by the New Orleans Second Line.)
4th pick:
I see a man, a man born in the snows of a northern land, he is a man of the fern upon a mountain's crest. This is a strange man, he appears to have the appearance of a strong lock box with a numbered dial upon its door. In doth lockbox this man tries to place both men and oval balls to keep them safe. The man is swiftly and suddenly snatched and lifted into the air betwixt the talon of a great bird with sharp claws and a cruel beak, and taken back to it's nesting ground in the land of Mary.
(Right Baltimore is in Maryland right? So I think she is saying Tyrone Brackenridge will be taken by the Baltimore Hawks for the 4th pick of the draft)
5th pick:
I see a man, the second of his name as his father carried that name before him. He doth carry a number of ill-fortune upon his back the foolish fool. He is wide man, with arms built for catching falling treasures and legs built for pathfinding along sacred lined fields. But as he runs his learned path he is joined by a monstrous cat, a cat from the depths of time with scimitars in thiy cat's mouth. This terror cat is now leading this wide man, leading him west to the spanish home of the holy carpenter man Joseph.
(So a bit easier this time, this must be Dexter Banks II being taken as the 5th.pick overall by the San Jose Sabre Cats)
6th pick:
I see a man, born on icy shores in a home shared with great white bears and magnificent horned whales. This man is named as a brave lion, but he takes great pleasure in running with the wide men, and with malicious intent trying to steal their falling treasures, the damned rogue! But he is now being led, led away by a ghostly visage with the face of a skull, begone creature of death, take no more souls to your lake of ice in the lands of the north ahhhhhhhhhh.
(I am not going to lie, Mama got a bit riled up by the Wraith in her vision which can only mean that it must have been the Yellowknife Wraiths 6th pick and at a guess she was talking about them taking Marvin Leonard)
7th pick:
A man, he is in the form of a delectable ring shaped confectionery and now appears before me, he is announcing to all that can hear his part in the quest for the small crown that you yourself Mako helped your sun bear friend find a year past. He wears new colours, and it is the yellow of a damable snake. But now LOOK a funny water rat, why it is the color of a carrot and has taken his hand within its small furry paws and is leading him back west to the land sun and of the round fruit.
(Again a bit easier, Mama is predicting Orange County Otters take Saba Donut with their number 7 pick)
8th pick:
I see large man with flameth hair and mischievous countenance. I can see him in his favoured place at the front of all things shaped somewhat like doth perfusion from a giant head, a NOSE. He is confronted now by a giant meat preparer from the land of lakes, who is gifting this man to your friend the brozen serpent after a pact between them was strucketh in the year past! The flameth haired man is beckoned by the serpent to follow it's trail, south to the desert land where you yourself reside.
(So this has to be my Austin Copperheads selecting Brayden Ennis with their 8th pick of the draft)
9th pick:
A man is now in my view, his name is that of a horseless carriage from the land of the rising sun. This man is simply standing there, his manner that that of intensity as his guards a line to his back. He is approached by a goddess of the Roman persuasion, it is Libertas, all hail Libertas, the personification of liberty! She is luring the poor man to the bell shaped city famed for loving ones brother.
(Ok this is easier, Honda Edmond to the Philadelphia Liberty for the 9th pick of the draft)
10th pick:
The last figure now approaches it is that is of a man, a man whose name doeth rhyme together like that of a saucy limerick. He is a tall man with hands like bucket to catch sky treasure in a zone of crimson. And as he hunts his treasure he is approached by a second man, this one doeth come on his fine stallion with hand cannons at his hips and a large brimmed hat doth reside on his head, ready to lead the rhyming named man down to the desert lands of the red men and the everlasting fire bird.
(Right last one, she is predicting that the Arizona Outlaws are taking wide receiver Action Jackson with the 10th and final pick of the draft)
Before I leave Mama's smokey caravan I give her the required 10 quid for her troubles but then make grave mistake, I ask her about the greatest and most controversial of all NSFL debates, whether hot dogs are sandwiches. I have barely let the question pass my lips and I am chased out of the caravan and down the pier by a spirit of who I now believe to be John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich and creator of the sandwich. As he chases me he is spitting curses about how dare I besmirch his greatest achievements fine name by trying to include emulsified tubes of pig in a silly long bun as part of its legacy. Well that settles the argument once and for all. Time to hop on a plane back to Austin and get ready to welcome in the season 17 rookies, whoever they might be.
Ready for marking (word count 1600)