Thomas Passmann was drafted 36th overall by the Tijuana Luchadores in the deepest DSFL draft of all time. Traditionalists and Christians are offended by an openly Satanist wide receiver getting drafted so high. Protestors were out in the thousands, shouting chants such as, "Get out of the DSFL, and take yourself straight to hell!"
Passmann was asked about going straight to hell, to which he replied that he did not want to return to the United States. He actually placed a Tijuana baseball cap over his gothic hood and accidentally gave a brief sincere smile to a reporter, which elicited shocked gasps from the crowd. Passmann could be at least partly human after all.
The wide receiver earned praise for refusing to answer any questions that compared him to Twilight characters, except for a brief remark saying that the books were terrible. His Twitter has gone viral for comments about sriracha and vampirism, among other things, well that and the fact that for some reason he stole a dead man's twitter. How did he know the password, was Tommy Helanen's death really just a heart failure... a lot of things not adding up there.
Now that's he's drafted though, Passmann can be even more open about his cultism. He was seen bringing some red Kool-Aid to the Tijuana locker room and encouraging people to drink it. Yes, not suspicious at all...the reporters here at the DSFL Times really hope that none of his teammates took him up on the offer though. It would be a shame to see history repeat itself.
The scouting team for Tijuana remarked that they do not think that Thomas would attempt to kill any of his teammates, only the opposition, so by drafting him, they're ensuring that their players aren't killed...oh sorry, that they don't "die in a mysterious fashion." They insist that they do not approve of his methods, but rather that they simply do not care at all. And they claim that so far, Thomas hasn't hurt anyone and has even proved to be a great bartender at the team parties, giving very generous pours in all of his drinks and causing multiple players on their team and even one coach to pass out. How this is a good thing, nobody is quite sure, but Tijuana seems quite pleased with the early results on their pick.
Now whether Thomas will perform on the field? That's yet to be seen. He does not seem that sensitive to sunlight as long as he has a hood and a helmet, so that is a good thing. He will not turn to stone, melt, or have his skin burn right off his body it seems, it has only seemed to be a minor pain and discomfort when he accidentally allowed sunlight to touch his skin. And he should have natural athletics if he is truly a vampire, so that will be great for running touchdowns and catching throws. All in all, he looks like he could end up being a very good pick, and maybe Tijuana is right to be pleased with their choice. Well, as long as their players stay alive and well.
It is unknown how the Tijuana players feel about Thomas joining their locker room and their team. It is alleged that they have been sworn to remain silent about their personal feelings on the matter, and that that is why none of them have taken to Twitter or other social media platforms to express their discontent. They have more than likely been silenced in order to prevent Thomas from making a retaliatory attack on them, according to our anonymous source on the team.
Passmann was asked about going straight to hell, to which he replied that he did not want to return to the United States. He actually placed a Tijuana baseball cap over his gothic hood and accidentally gave a brief sincere smile to a reporter, which elicited shocked gasps from the crowd. Passmann could be at least partly human after all.
The wide receiver earned praise for refusing to answer any questions that compared him to Twilight characters, except for a brief remark saying that the books were terrible. His Twitter has gone viral for comments about sriracha and vampirism, among other things, well that and the fact that for some reason he stole a dead man's twitter. How did he know the password, was Tommy Helanen's death really just a heart failure... a lot of things not adding up there.
Now that's he's drafted though, Passmann can be even more open about his cultism. He was seen bringing some red Kool-Aid to the Tijuana locker room and encouraging people to drink it. Yes, not suspicious at all...the reporters here at the DSFL Times really hope that none of his teammates took him up on the offer though. It would be a shame to see history repeat itself.
The scouting team for Tijuana remarked that they do not think that Thomas would attempt to kill any of his teammates, only the opposition, so by drafting him, they're ensuring that their players aren't killed...oh sorry, that they don't "die in a mysterious fashion." They insist that they do not approve of his methods, but rather that they simply do not care at all. And they claim that so far, Thomas hasn't hurt anyone and has even proved to be a great bartender at the team parties, giving very generous pours in all of his drinks and causing multiple players on their team and even one coach to pass out. How this is a good thing, nobody is quite sure, but Tijuana seems quite pleased with the early results on their pick.
Now whether Thomas will perform on the field? That's yet to be seen. He does not seem that sensitive to sunlight as long as he has a hood and a helmet, so that is a good thing. He will not turn to stone, melt, or have his skin burn right off his body it seems, it has only seemed to be a minor pain and discomfort when he accidentally allowed sunlight to touch his skin. And he should have natural athletics if he is truly a vampire, so that will be great for running touchdowns and catching throws. All in all, he looks like he could end up being a very good pick, and maybe Tijuana is right to be pleased with their choice. Well, as long as their players stay alive and well.
It is unknown how the Tijuana players feel about Thomas joining their locker room and their team. It is alleged that they have been sworn to remain silent about their personal feelings on the matter, and that that is why none of them have taken to Twitter or other social media platforms to express their discontent. They have more than likely been silenced in order to prevent Thomas from making a retaliatory attack on them, according to our anonymous source on the team.
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