5 TPE - Choose a team or player to write about that isn’t your own. What did they do well in the last season? Have they shown any drastic improvements from previous years? What could they do better?
For this prompt, i'll take a look at a team I don't know much about, though to be fair that's most of the other teams in the league lol. Let's take a look at the Honolulu Hahalua, who finished with the worst record in the league this season. I don't think you'd find many people who expected the Hahalua to win the ultimus this season, but I'm not sure they would've been a consensus for dead last either. The last few seasons they'd been in the thick of the playoff race in the conference, and this season they found themselves totally out of it. Much of their key pieces on offense stayed in place, including QB Luke Skywalker, WR Jed Podolak, and the RB duo of Ayers and Kane-Maika'i. Despite a lack of depth at the pass catching positions, their passing game was fine this season, finishing with the 7th most passing yards. That may be a result of being down in a lot of games and trying to air it out to catch up, as they were third-to-last in passing TDs. The running game took a step back this season, 4th lowest in rushing yards. Their defense was surprisingly solid, finishing with the most pass deflections, the most tackles for loss, and the second most interceptions. So looking at their stats overall, they don't scream playoffs but it doesn't really suggest worst in the league either. Taking a look at their season schedule now, it seems like they lost quite a few one-possession games, so maybe that helps explain the poor overall result. They had a three point loss to San Jose in Week 1, a four point loss to Austin in Week 2, a three point loss to the Yeti in Week 9, a six point loss to New Orleans in Week 11, another six point loss to New York in Week 12, and another six point loss to Berlin in the final week of the season. Their wins were all by six or seven points (interesting fun fact i guess). Weird to see so many games in the 3-6 point range and none in the 1-2 point range. Anyway, it's tough to make much of this Honolulu season, It seems like it went a little worse than it should, and we had a ton of parity this season so finishing 3-13 is enough to be the worst in a very balanced league. If they ran things back with this same roster, I'm not sure they'd make the playoffs but I reckon they'd be better than last.
2.5 TPE - How or where would you celebrate with your teammates after winning an Ultimus or Ultimini?
If we won the ultimus and things were normal (i.e., not covid) we would celebrate winning by hitting the town for a night of shenanigans. because we are outlaws we would go around robbing places and no one would be able to tell us no because we just won the ultimus and no one can stop us! security guards will pose for pictures with us and we'll take the loot and be on our way. As we roll around the town we will drink many bottles of champagne. jay cue knows a special trick, a unique way to open champagne bottles, and the whole team loves when he does it. taro raimon would be going crazy drinking lots and lots of champagne and beer and DB jadakiss (that's me) would also be going crazy drinking lots of champagne and beer. the running backs (thorbjornson and pama) would get lost and wind up at chuck e cheese and we would make fun of them for it. at the end of the night (8am) we would be very drunk and surrounded by groupies and everyone would get to go home (or to a hotel or someone else's home) and get to have sex with fans that wanted to have sex with us but we would be too drunk to do anything so we would pass out tired instead like true champions.
2.5 TPE - Your team has made it to the playoffs! Put together a pre-game playlist and explain how those songs will hype your players.
No surprise here i think the best foundation from which to build our pregame playlist will be jadakiss songs. we'll start with The Champ Is Here of course, to get us pumped up to win games ourselves and become the titular champs mentioned in the title. Next up we'll go to Made You Look (remix) by Nas featuring jadakiss and ludacris - what a trio of 2000s rappers man come on it doesn't get better than this! where do fingers squeeze triggers like boa constrictors? why, in that song of course! that line gets the people going. sticking to the theme, we'll feature "They Ain't Ready" - ruff ryders with jadakiss and the one and only bubba sparxxxxxxxxxxxx. the "they" in this scenario would refer to our opponent on the football field, who aren't ready for the smackdown we're about to give them on the field. Lastly, we finish it off with "ryde or die bitch" to remind all our players we're ready to die for our teammates out there on the field, suggesting that we are the bitches in this scenario but it's fine because that's a good thing to be. And everyone knows Jay Cue likes to rock prada suits and his ass is fat. Those four songs leading up to the game sounds like an automatic win to me.
For this prompt, i'll take a look at a team I don't know much about, though to be fair that's most of the other teams in the league lol. Let's take a look at the Honolulu Hahalua, who finished with the worst record in the league this season. I don't think you'd find many people who expected the Hahalua to win the ultimus this season, but I'm not sure they would've been a consensus for dead last either. The last few seasons they'd been in the thick of the playoff race in the conference, and this season they found themselves totally out of it. Much of their key pieces on offense stayed in place, including QB Luke Skywalker, WR Jed Podolak, and the RB duo of Ayers and Kane-Maika'i. Despite a lack of depth at the pass catching positions, their passing game was fine this season, finishing with the 7th most passing yards. That may be a result of being down in a lot of games and trying to air it out to catch up, as they were third-to-last in passing TDs. The running game took a step back this season, 4th lowest in rushing yards. Their defense was surprisingly solid, finishing with the most pass deflections, the most tackles for loss, and the second most interceptions. So looking at their stats overall, they don't scream playoffs but it doesn't really suggest worst in the league either. Taking a look at their season schedule now, it seems like they lost quite a few one-possession games, so maybe that helps explain the poor overall result. They had a three point loss to San Jose in Week 1, a four point loss to Austin in Week 2, a three point loss to the Yeti in Week 9, a six point loss to New Orleans in Week 11, another six point loss to New York in Week 12, and another six point loss to Berlin in the final week of the season. Their wins were all by six or seven points (interesting fun fact i guess). Weird to see so many games in the 3-6 point range and none in the 1-2 point range. Anyway, it's tough to make much of this Honolulu season, It seems like it went a little worse than it should, and we had a ton of parity this season so finishing 3-13 is enough to be the worst in a very balanced league. If they ran things back with this same roster, I'm not sure they'd make the playoffs but I reckon they'd be better than last.
2.5 TPE - How or where would you celebrate with your teammates after winning an Ultimus or Ultimini?
If we won the ultimus and things were normal (i.e., not covid) we would celebrate winning by hitting the town for a night of shenanigans. because we are outlaws we would go around robbing places and no one would be able to tell us no because we just won the ultimus and no one can stop us! security guards will pose for pictures with us and we'll take the loot and be on our way. As we roll around the town we will drink many bottles of champagne. jay cue knows a special trick, a unique way to open champagne bottles, and the whole team loves when he does it. taro raimon would be going crazy drinking lots and lots of champagne and beer and DB jadakiss (that's me) would also be going crazy drinking lots of champagne and beer. the running backs (thorbjornson and pama) would get lost and wind up at chuck e cheese and we would make fun of them for it. at the end of the night (8am) we would be very drunk and surrounded by groupies and everyone would get to go home (or to a hotel or someone else's home) and get to have sex with fans that wanted to have sex with us but we would be too drunk to do anything so we would pass out tired instead like true champions.
2.5 TPE - Your team has made it to the playoffs! Put together a pre-game playlist and explain how those songs will hype your players.
No surprise here i think the best foundation from which to build our pregame playlist will be jadakiss songs. we'll start with The Champ Is Here of course, to get us pumped up to win games ourselves and become the titular champs mentioned in the title. Next up we'll go to Made You Look (remix) by Nas featuring jadakiss and ludacris - what a trio of 2000s rappers man come on it doesn't get better than this! where do fingers squeeze triggers like boa constrictors? why, in that song of course! that line gets the people going. sticking to the theme, we'll feature "They Ain't Ready" - ruff ryders with jadakiss and the one and only bubba sparxxxxxxxxxxxx. the "they" in this scenario would refer to our opponent on the football field, who aren't ready for the smackdown we're about to give them on the field. Lastly, we finish it off with "ryde or die bitch" to remind all our players we're ready to die for our teammates out there on the field, suggesting that we are the bitches in this scenario but it's fine because that's a good thing to be. And everyone knows Jay Cue likes to rock prada suits and his ass is fat. Those four songs leading up to the game sounds like an automatic win to me.
![[Image: outlawmodesicko.gif]](https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/outlawmodesicko.gif)
