Since the story will be breaking win the next issue of the Arizona Chronicle comes out, I might as well lean into it.
As part of my pregame ritual, I always take a pregame dump in the same stall. By the end of the season, I never have any problems. However, those first few weeks are always rough. The rookies join the team, but they don’t understand our rituals. For example, when Zamir first joined the team, he thought it was a big joke. He took a spot in my stall, and we went on a losing streak. The team captains finally had to sit him down and let him know how important that ritual is. A similar thing happened this year with Gunner. He was walking toward my stall before week one, and unicorn let him know that he couldn’t do that. Gunner walked by my locker with that dead pan serial killer look that we all love.
We have a good laugh about it now, but some of the rookies get really upset. One such rookie, who will remain unnamed, ended up taking a sledgehammer to the stall. We lost every game until the stall was repaired.
When I signed my most recent contract, the outlaws bought a memorial plaque to put on the door of the stall. Now everyone knows that stall belongs to me. After all, I’m always taking dumps.
I think the best piece of trivia about a member of the Orange County Otters of the Intenational Simulation Football League is easily the story of Kacey Dream, now known as Lord Beerus. Kacey Beerus, as I will call him, was a send down for the S19 season after being drafted with the 5th overall pick in the S19 draft by the Orange County Otters. In that season in the Developmental Simulation Football League, Kacey Beerus was the best player in the league on defense and as the season wore on it became more and more evident that he was also the best player on the offensive side of the ball as well. After the 14 game season, Kacey was named the MVP of the league as a cornerback. In S20, he was called up to play with dominant Orange County cornerbacks Korrin Abernathy and A.J. Lattimer, and had to play nickel back for the majority of the season. He was unable to acquire a single interception through the season as a result. In S21, Kacey Beerus was able to play cornerback alongside A.J. Lattimer as Korrin Abernathy moved to free safety for the season, but was still unable to grab a ball out of the air. Then, finally, in the second game of S22, Lord Kacey Dream-Beerus was able to get his first International Simulation Football League interception. While I feel bad for Kacey and his streak of 27 games without and interception, it is quite the feat to do so, and in such Kacey became the holder of the single longest interceptionless streak in the history of the league at 27. Truly, Beerus will go down in history, not only as an invaluable member of the Orange County Otters but as one of the unluckiest players to exist.
I would like to regale you all with the tale of the first time that Tree Gelbman tried to play RISK. I’d say this is a cautionary tale, but this is more one of ignorance and being at a disadvantage right from the start. It was a normal day in the Kansas City Coyotes locker room; hanging out after the game, someone complaining about the sim (usually me), calling Chika Fujiwara a weeb, the usual stuff. This is when Chika decides to break out the game of RISK and have a team session of the game. Now I’m familiar with RISK, and how it works and how to play, so nothing is new here. The game proceeds fairly normal until about an hour and a half in where I attempt to attack a neutral territory in the game to take it, only to get invaded by Butters and eliminated very quickly. Now the reason I thought it was a neutral country is an interesting one; neutral territories are yellow, Butters was green, and I’m deuteranopia color blind. What I thought was a neutral country was actually my biggest rival, and I was genuinely unable to tell the difference because my eyes do not work properly. Needless to say I became a favorite target to laugh at in the locker room and I never played RISK again, but man was it an interesting night.
"You relieve the same day over and over again, you kind of start to see who you really are."
I am going to tell you about an old story that we retell in the Austin Copperheads locker room. It is about Korbin Brown and how funny he is. So this dude walks into a bar. He is about 4-5 years old. He says to the bartender; "Hey, got any juice?" The bartender replies "Of course we don't have juice this is a fucking bar you snotnosed brat." The kid runs out of the bar crying, tears in his eyes, simply wanting an ice cold glass of his favorite juice, lemonade. Korbin Brown is walking on the sidewalk on a warm summer's day in Austin Texas and finds the kid running towards him with tears in his eyes. Korbin stops the young man and asks him why he's crying. He says that the bartender was bullying him and all he wanted was some juice. The wide receiver nodded as the boy led him to the bar. Korbin kicks down the door to the bar and looks around, wondering where the bully bartender was. The obnoxious man is talking up a pair of ladies who simply want some vodka-crans. Korbin approaches the ladies and says hello before asking the bartender if he is the one that bullied the little kid. The bartender replies, wondering who Korbin is. Korbin punches the bartender in the face. That's the story.
I've probably mentioned this to some along the way, but I'm not sure how many people know this story so here it goes. I was surfing through the channels one night after supper. I was bored and didn't want to watch the same old crap. Through my searching, I stumbled on a simulation football league broadcast live on tv. At first, I wasn't really sure what I was looking at. I played a ton of Madden over the years and was pretty sure that was not what game was on. After a little bit more time, they announced on broadcast that it was in fact All Pro Football 2k8. The game has a huge following still and many consider it way better than most modern Madden. I was so blown away by how cool it looked that I searched online to find the league. Ironically enough, I came across an old NSFL post from well over a year ago and it lead me to this league. When I first joined, I was telling everyone I had watched the league on tv live and they were confused as hell. Turns out, the league I saw then was the SFL and I have stumbled onto the then NSFL. I ended up joining both leagues and have a great time ever since. I still crack up when I think about how I found this league by complete accident. I am one of the very very few who was not brought here from a reddit post or a friend from the league.
So one day I was in the Portland LR hanging out with my good ol pals until we decided to have a game night! Usually when we want to have a game night it literally always fails because of the lack of people online but THIS TIME, we had 5 people who wanted to play, which seemed like a fair amount for the discord game we were going to play. The game was called Mafia and the bot for it was well...MafiaBot. You already know how Mafia works so ill skip how to play it. So basically every game we played of mafia I was always innocent qWest kept dying and Saba always died first because why the hell not. For this game, I was the Godfather. My role was to kill people. As a smart and intelligent gentleman I am I chose to kill Saba first because why the hell not. Pretty sure no one hanged anybody because we are all clueless at this game but I killed qWest next because he was the mafia last time. I kill him and now we are down to Ludy, 82, and me. I noticed that 82 was being quiet all game and hasn't spoken a single word in the chat yet. Me and Ludy are discussing who to vote when I say "Wait, but 82 hasn't said anything yet..." Not my exact words but I actually convinced him to actually hang him up. Thats how I won my Mafia game as the Godfather. Sure I could had waited until night to kill someone and win but cmon this is way cooler than that. Also after the game 82 said that his computer froze or something so he had to restart it and basically killed the game for the innocents lol.