*Adios Large Edward?

[Jo3fish5]

:0

[Bayley]

It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Big Edd, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling abundantly displeased, Big Edd hit a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected he realized that his beloved snacks was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Lil' edd. Big Edd had known Lil' edd for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were striking ones. Lil' edd was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... oafish. Big Edd called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Lil' edd picked up to a very mad Big Edd. Lil' edd calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths yawn before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually exotically yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Big Edd. Why was Lil' edd trying to distract Big Edd? Because he had snuck out from Big Edd's with the snacks only eleven days prior. It was a electric little snacks... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Big Edd got back to the subject at hand: his snacks. Lil' edd cringed. Relunctantly, Lil' edd invited him over, assuring him they'd find the snacks. Big Edd grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Lil' edd realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the snacks and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Big Edd took the 'modded' Civic, he had take at least four minutes before Big Edd would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Lil' edd would be scarcely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Lil' edd was interrupted by ten annoying giraffes that were lured by his snacks. Lil' edd yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling relieved, he aimlessly reached for his live hand grenade and deftly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Segway rolling up. It was Big Edd.


As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, Big Edd was out of the Segway and went exotically jaunting toward Lil' edd's front door. Meanwhile inside, Lil' edd was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the snacks into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his time machine. Lil' edd was concerned but at least the snacks was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Lil' edd scandalously purred. With a quick push, Big Edd opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying zealous...zealot in a rice rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Lil' edd assured him. Big Edd took a seat excruciatingly close to where Lil' edd had hidden the snacks. Lil' edd cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Big Edd was distracted. Just as zero people expected Lil' edd noticed a selfish look on Big Edd's face. Big Edd slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Lil' edd felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when Big Edd asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the snacks right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on Big Edd's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Big Edd nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Lil' edd could react, Big Edd randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The snacks was plainly in view.

Big Edd stared at Lil' edd for what what must've been four nanoseconds. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Lil' edd groped wildly in Big Edd's direction, clearly desperate. Big Edd grabbed the snacks and bolted for the door. It was locked. Lil' edd let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Big Edd,' he rebuked. Lil' edd always had been a little selfish, so Big Edd knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Lil' edd did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. Giggling like schoolgirl, he gripped his snacks tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Lil' edd looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Big Edd. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Big Edd. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Lil' edd walked over to the window and looked down. Big Edd was gone.



Just yonder, Big Edd was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Lil' edd's place. Big Edd had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral giraffes suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the snacks. One by one they latched on to Big Edd. Already weakened from his injury, Big Edd yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of giraffes running off with his snacks.

But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Big Edd's snacks. Feeling relieved, God smote the giraffes for their injustice. Then He got in His wannabe go-fast Civic and jettisoned away with the fortitude of 550,000 albino cats running from a enlarged pack of albino cats. Big Edd danced with joy when he saw this. His snacks was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in four minutes his favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When South American hissing sloths meet hand grenade'). Big Edd was overjoyed. And so, everyone except Lil' edd and a few malaria-toting spotted wolf hamsters lived blissfully happy, forever after.