(S26) Ultimus Week

[TheCC]

GM UW Pass

[RotticusScott]

9: like a lot of people here I joined with a reddit class - not really knowing what to expect but planning on just being a medium earner, maybe check the stats after games and that was about it. I'd only touched discord in the past to chat to a couple of friends playing civ.
That all changed very quickly in the pre draft process for DSFL. The first thing I received was an invite to the London locker room quickly followed by a forum message from Gucci with a questionnaire. This questionnaire was good fun - I had 0 clue about ISFL at the time so whilst other teams were asking about my ambitions as a player, Dallas were asking me my favourite dinosaur & whether I find my mother attractive (she's a beautiful lady & a Saint).
I pretty quickly worked out I wanted to be drafted here. And it was key in keeping me interested in the league that first season. The people in that locker room have all been fantastic - I joined with a couple of irl friends two of whom got drafted with me to Dallas, they have both sadly all but packed it in and you'd expect me to follow suit. Instead the opposite has happened. I've been able to come out of my shell a lot more - I feel like these guys and gals are great friends even though I've never met a single one of them.
Getting drafted to San Jose was great though once again I felt like I didn't know anyone there (bar Rradum). They have made me feel more than welcome and again invited me into the war room. I'm really starting to feel like a part of the Sabercat family and will likely play out a full career here (if they'll have me). So to cut a long story short - the community kept me interested and winning an ultimus was okay as well I suppose. Its just a shame Crowder sucks!
There is 1 thing I'd change in the league if I could: I wish people would stop being so uptight about the goings on in twitter. "oh no Zayn photoshopped that teams logo to look like a dick" "Zayn said my beach was too kinky" "why would Dallas let him run twitter". Its a fake league - don't hit me with the "it's not professional" bullshit. This isnt work, I come on here for fun. And these antics make me laugh. "it wouldn't look professional if a real team did it" - I'd still laugh. Stop taking everything so seriously.

(429 words) 

17: Picture this: a darkened stadium. All lights switched off. People have been told to keep their phones off or they'll be thrown out. Nobody knows who is leading the half time show, the tension in the room is palpable.

There's a low rumble playing, it's subtle - getting ever so slightly louder as the seconds pass to minutes. Still no inkling of who will come on stage the crowd starts to get an excited murmuring spreading round the stadium like a rash.
*Boom* two cannons shoot huge pillars of flame, lighting up the stadium for a couple of seconds. Could this be a clue as to who we're about to see.
Then a swarm of thousands of drones come flying through the tunnel all illuminated a bright orange. They get into formation in the middle of the arena - almost making a TV screen. The arena goes silent with expectation. A figure can be seen on the top of the stadium roof spotlight on.
A ghostly voice echos around the stadium "We're no strangers to love"
His face flashes up on the drone screen. The crowd goes wild.
The figure jumps off the stadium roof opening a parachute as he goes, landing right in the middle of the field.
"You know the rules and so do I"
(216 words)


22: Raylan Crowder is asked to promote Maximuscles latest pre workout powder:
Advert:
Everyone knows Raylan Crowder is big and strong. Well how did he get this way? Mostly through hard work, determination, being first person in and last person out yada yada yada. However how did he get this way, how did he get that energy to keep on going when others hit their limit?
Pre-workout powder! That's right a good pre workout shake can keep you fuelled for hours at a time - Crowder tried plenty of these over time - MyProtein, n0explode, Jack3D and they all lacked something. We at Maximuscle brought Crowder in and worked together on our new product "Raylan Crowders Workout Powder". This product makes your toes tingle  and let's you see colours you never knew existed. A word from our figurehead now
"It's great - it makes your face tubgk so you know that it's good. Sometimes I'll take it before going to bed to workout in my dreams."

This powder comes in blueberry, raspberry and our bestselling Chicken chowder flavour.
May contain traces of nuts, don't use if you have heart problems or asthma. Side effects may include: heart palpatations, temporary blindness, increased blood flow to the genitals, tinnitus, death, uncontrollable coughing, impotence, muscle loss.
Ask your doctor about Raylan Crowders Workout Powder today!

(219 words) 

Updated

Updated

[Seymour]

22. Bean has been sponsored Heinz to promote their new line of Beans, the extrava-beans. These beans help boost your morale and performance on the field. Imagine Michael’s special water from the space jam, but instead of water it is beans and instead of Michael Jordan it is Bean Beanman. Now to promote these beans, the Heinz corporate people will give Bean Beanman money to create a commercial for the Ultimus game. In this commercial you hear Irreplaceable by Beyonce with the screen dark, eventually the screen will start to become brighter and you will see Bean in a bathtub full of the extrava-beans. The screen fades back to dark and the next thing you know it is just raining beans on the football field. Out of nowhere you see a play running towards the camera, it is Bean Beanman going for a sack. When Bean finally sacks the QB they bust into Beans. The screen then goes back to black, there is Bean Beanman again, holding the trophy in one hand and in the other a can of extrava-beans. Everything goes silent and all you hear Bean say to the thousands of screaming fans is “I am going to enjoy these extrava-beans at the beansworld.” Then the commercial cuts back to black and ends. This is where the viewers would go out and spend their life savings on the extrava-beans.

[231 words]


16. When the Norfolk Seawolves made the playoffs after having the first overall draft pick, the playlist had to be spicy, it had to get the team going. So here is what was on our playlist.

Song: Beans (The Musical Fruit) Official Music
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEEuzUGEWws

Reasoning: This one is pretty easy, as an incoming rookie – Bean wanted to make a lasting impression on the locker-room. This song has helped Bean throughout his time in high school, university, and the DSFL. This song speaks straight to your heart and Bean will sing it to you if requested beforehand.

Song: Glizzy Glizzy on my mind
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZzk1OAmzIM

Reasoning: This song goes deeper than Glizzies and it means more than just hotdogs. When you sit down in a locker-room and you hear this you interpret the Glizzies and wins. Wins should always be on your mind before going into a game. So when you’re thinking about Glizzies you will associate that feeling with winning. Recently, Bean spent his first contract money on bringing a hot dog vendor into the locker-room to help with that association. Some would laugh at this but then you realize that the Norfolk Seawolves went from having the first overall pick to making the playoffs. Glizzies equals wins.


[209 words]

27.


24.

[Faelax]

8. Evan Jones grew up in Columbus, Ohio. Like a lot of kids from the area, he grew up watching the Ohio State Buckeyes and dreamed of being a professional football player one day. Whether it was in recess at school or in the local park, Evan was always the guy the rest of the kids wanted on their team. He has always been incredibly fast, and it’s one of the things that really set him apart from his peers throughout his football career. After a successful high school career, Jones got to live out his lifelong dream when he received an offer from Ohio State to come play football. He had a successful stint at OSU, having a smaller backup role his freshman year, but really getting to shine in his next two seasons as a Buckeye. Taking over the starting safety job. He got to wow fans, scouts, and his coaches alike with his insane speed and playmaking ability. Jones is the kind of player who doesn’t make a ton of noise on the stat sheet, but when he does, his impact is surely felt. Whether it was a critical tackle on a receiver who broke free, a big run stop, or a game changing interception, Evan Jones has been counted on his entire career to step up when a big play was needed. When he decided to declare for the DSFL and start his journey to the pros, he didn’t know what to expect. He was contacted by a couple of teams, and didn’t have a good idea of where he was going on draft day. Jones slid all the way to round four, where he was picked up by the Portland Pythons. Pythons management seemed excited to bring him in, and he was excited to get a chance to start right away on an up and coming Pythons team. He had a pretty good rookie season, even with Portland narrowly missing the playoffs, Jones still had a good season and was ready to see where he would go in the ISFL. He talked to just about every team before the draft, and had legitimately no idea where he was going. The first round went, and his name was not called. But he didn’t wait long, as he went to the Chicago Butchers in the second round. After being sent back down to Portland to continue to round out his game, he joined up with what would become a fearsome defense that would dominate the DSFL in season 26. Portland was dominant with a 13-1 season, and is about to play for the Ultimini championship.

18. I am also a part of the SHL, that one is actually my primary league. My player Alexander Roach is a center for the Buffalo Stampede in the SHL, and played for the Quebec City Citadelles in the SMJHL. I was a part of the Buffalo team that won the Challenge Cup in S55, and in the juniors I won the Brandon Holmes award for best defensive forward. It’s been a good career so far, and I’m only in my 6th season on this player, so there is still plenty of room to add more cups and other pieces of hardware. Besides my player, I am the Co-GM for the Quebec City Citadelles, one of the new expansion teams in the SMJHL. GMing has probably been my favorite part of the league so far. Being a juniors GM, I help people get accustomed to the league, figure everything out, and help them have fun while trying to make sure their players are doing well on the ice. Besides that, I really enjoy my SHL locker room. The Buffalo Stampede are a tight knit group, and we all love to get together and make fun of each other and laugh at everything going on in the league. Especially when another team gets punished for doing something stupid.

20. So if injuries were on, and things started to get dicey in Portland, there are a few positions I could see Evan Jones performing well in. The obvious one being cornerback, but we can go much further. They say that defensive backs are just wide receivers who can’t catch the ball, and Jones definitely fits that profile. He is very fast, but the hands really aren’t there, so Jones would do well as the classic deep threat receiver who drops half of the balls thrown his way. If you want to get even crazier on offense, put that speed to use in the backfield. Jones could probably make for a decent speed back, taking pitch plays to the outside for big gains. Put him in as a wildcat QB and really watch the madness unfold. I could also see Jones succeeding as an edge rusher, but probably more of the linebacker variety and not the defensive end type. If he lines up against a slower tackle, Jones is going to have that poor quarterback running for his life in the backfield. While I think getting to play out of position for a game or two would be fun, let’s leave the injuries off so I can just keep playing safety.

[Reno]

Task 16 (261 Words)
The following message about the Chicago Butchers playoff playlist was submitted prior to the teams elimination. Tree takes no responsibility and says she emailed back on time despite that not being the case.
“Hey Bront, yeah I’m stoked about the Butchers making the playoffs. This team is super duper loaded and is poised to make an incredibly deep run this year. As the team DJ, I’m going to make the best playlist that’s ever been made. The first song on the playlist is a classic, a real party banger. I’m talking about High Velocity Impact Spatter by Cannibal Corpse. The reason that we’re rolling with this one is because that’s what the rest of the league is going to look like after the Butchers are done rolling through them. Nothing but the remains of their teams after they get demolished by us on the field. The next song we’re going with is also another classic, but this one is not by Cannibal Corpse. We’re going with Dead Man Walking by bloodsimple. We’re rocking with this one because when teams are walking into the Butchers stadium, they’re a dead man walking. The Butchers fanbase and players will eat them alive and make them feel weak. The third and final song will be High On Life (feat. Bonn) by Martin Garrix. When we win the title, we’re going to be feeling overjoyed and high on life as the song would suggest, making it the perfect victory song. Hope you enjoyed the glimpse at this playlist, the full thing will be on Spotify soon.

Task 18 (230 Words)
I’m in two other sim leagues right now and they’re both pretty freaking awesome so far. I do both PBE (Pro Baseball Experience) and SHL (Simulation Hockey League). Beginning with PBE, it’s been nothing but a blast my entire time so far. I’ve made so many friends there, and the Sarasota Supernovas are insanely cool and we’re gonna not be terrible this year please oh god I just want to go above .500. It’s nice as well, my player Bridget Westfall has had a slow start but is starting to see the results of her work and also just recently got compliment by one of the members of the commissioners office so I’m really excited about that. I get to play center field which is cool as I was usually stuck at catcher or 1st base in real life baseball. As for the SHL, well I literally just started. Evgeni Petrov, the newest in the long line of great Petrovs, has just recently arrived in the league for the Newfoundland Berserkers. Evgeni is a goalie, a position I have spent my entire life playing in real life hockey, and I look to carry on my weird traditions over there as I do in real life. I’m excited for my careers in both of them for a while to come, and I’m super glad I made the decision to join them.

Task 20 (232 Words)
Ah injuries, the human bodies way of leveling the playing the field a bit. Thankfully the league doesn’t have them enabled, as that would just ruin the overall enjoyment of everyone involved in the league. It would suck to build an amazing player and then have them miss time due to stuff out of their control. If injuries were to be implemented though Tree would definitely slide to either the offensive or defensive line from the tight end position. Being honest, the tight end position is seldom used in the sim so it would actually give her a role where she has a chance to produce for the team in bunches. On the offensive line no one would be willing to mess with her. Tree has a history of being a solid blocker with a mean streak longer than the line for the bathrooms at Butcher Stadium. To go against her would be a beating for the ages. If she was to slide over to the defensive line, good luck trying to stop her off the edge. Trained by years of activities that cannot be listed due to pending legal matters, Tree would dominate as a defensive end. The sight of the ball being snapped and Tree flying around the offensive tackle, axe in hand, is enough to make any opponent run for the hills and reconsider their football career.

Task 29 (238 Words)
With the awards going around there’s always hope that your name will be called and join the ranks of those who previously held the trophy before you. The big name awards are always fun, Rookie of the Year, Offensive/Defensive Player of the year, you get the picture. They need more awards that incentivize creativity in the ISFL player base. I’m proposing two awards, which you could condense into one if seen fit. The two awards I’m introducing are “Most Creative Player Backstory” and “Most Unique Player Name.” The ISFL is only as colorful as the people who make it up, so why not try and provide an award to reward those players who go above and beyond for their player creation process? Beginning with each incoming draft class, those who spend significant effort into crafting the backstory of their player should be rewarded or acknowledged in some way, this award just serves as an attempt to meet that demand. In a similar vein, for each draft class sort through the list of new prospects and re-creates and determine who you think has the best name in each class. Sure the league will need those players with semi-normal sounding names to prevent the league from becoming a lala land of silliness, but at the same time you want to find those who either made an incredible pun or just have a badass sounding name and reward them for it.

[White Cornerback]

uwu pass

[TheRealMazatt]

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7) This task is exclusive to non-recreate rookies of the S26 class and later. In 400 words or more, how has your experience been in the league? Who have you met that has made your time here more fun, friendly, and exciting? Have you been satisfied with your player’s early start? What was it like being drafted for the first time? Do you have any comments or suggestions for the entire league that you think should be implemented?

My start to the league has been a very mixed bag thus far. The presentation of both games, and the draft is easy to get drawin into but it's one of those things that's tough to balance with another sim league. Coming into the ISFL I was clear to myself that I didn't want to get sucked into watching every game so if I found two sim leagues to be too much, there was separation between hear and the SHL for me to make a good decision. Turns out, watching the games is super important for me to be engaged with the league. In a roundabout way, I think the presentation of the games is going to get me hooked going forward as I set aside time to watch them. Especailly if I return to Norfolk next season as the fellas there are great even if I'm not around all the time. They keep it engaging and fun. 

Apart of why I wanted to avoid getting hooked to the sims is because I understand 10% of what happens. It took me from the start of the season to today to know what a TFL is (I don't know for sure, but I think it's tackle for loss) so that's about where my knowledge begins and ends. That's why I have zero damn clue how my season has been. I got featured in the player of the game twice in DSFL highlights so I'm sure it's good, but in terms of awards I know fellow teammate Bean Beanman is a DRoY candidate for his TFL's, and general great defensive play in supporting Norfolk's top end defensive line.

As I touched upon earlier, the draft itself is a big boon for me. The presentation is very well put together and having actual GM's commentating feels great. Once again going to the SHL for reference, the draft there is (no malice intended here) is a little bit disorganized and there is sometimes a lack of insight on a player or prospect. By having the GM's on a call it cuts down on the times where there is someone the presenter doesn't know about the player/prospect. Makes it feel a lot more smooth. As someone who is looking, and hoping to be a semi-late pick it makes it easier to sit through a full draft since it runs smoothly and the graphics are hot.

Following that train of thought, I'm also a big bean supporter, as is the rest of Norfolk. The thing about beans is that they need to be spilt, and with the format of the draft it makes it hard as all hell to really go about getting beans to spill. Leaks are punished, which is fine and dandy but it leads to a weird position that you don't want to go out and look for the leaks cause them getting out is, for lack of a less repetitve term, punishable. I understand that with the draft being its own production the beans being spilt could ruin the whole intent of that production, but it's just weird to me. I'm a sucker for drama, and leaving it up to conjecture of draftees to figure out their positioning in the draft is a tough gig for a big bean lover like myself.

So to answer the final question, if I were to change anything, make it so that there are more leaks. Easy pease lemon squeezy

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575 words

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18) Write about another sim league you are in and which parts of it you enjoy. If you are only in the ISFL, write about your ideas for a sim league with another sport.

Surprise! I'm in the SHL. Maybe it'd be a surprise if I didn't talk about it in the first prompt... oh well. Getting a chance on what I like about the SHL is something I really like to do. 

First off, it's hockey. I'm Canadian, and I am married to hockey. It's nothing against football but I fucking love hockey so much, and as part of that I love lineup construction a lot. I'm the nerd who looks at the bottom 6 forwards of another team and I take genuine interest in it, so there being an entire sim league where I can look at the position of other players is just... oh my god!

I also fucking love trade trees. It's to an unhealthy degree. I did this article over there which I think shows how crazy I am for it, and I also did the similar mapping for the other 8 western teams in the SHL, but with university coming up the time sink to making the articles is just a bit too much for me to handle while trying to get on a sleep schedule where I wake up at 10:00 AM. The SHL having an expansive trade tracker is the biggest reason I was able to actually, you know, do a historical article in the first place. Scraping through a site to go through even 10 seasons of history is huge, so doing that here for 26+ seasons would be a big hurdle to jump over in bringing that passion to another sim league. I feel like that accurately covers just how insane I am for trade trees. I did them just for fun at one point, not doing articles with them, just mapping out a trade and enjoying the journey it took me on in learning about league history... I need to get a life.

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311 words

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28) The league is moving on to a new sim. What do you think about it? Are you excited to leave the old one behind? Maybe not so excited about it? Which parts of it do you think will be great, or not so great?

I'm curious to see how much the sim changes before making a judgement on it. My biggest question so far is: is there a need for change? The big thing I notice when looking at how other sim leagues managed a sim change, it was when a completely different engine is available as opposed to a new game in the same franchise. Despite that first statement I've also heard that the current sim has a lot of issues. One of the things I do notice with the new sim that excites me is the topic of traits.

I've noticed that TPE goes a far way in juniors. I have been able to hit cap for speed and will be 10 and 15 upgrades away from boosting up Strength and Tackling to max without even hitting the TPE cap. This is along with Endurance being at the 'soft cap' of 71 TPE. Those are the three/four stats of relevance for me as a defensive tackle. There's quite a bit of TPE to go until I hit those caps but those should be reasonably attainable doing PT's and Activity Checks. The existance of traits gives me something else to shoot for without feeling that I am going to be putting obsolete TPE into something like competitiveness. Makes me feel that there is more road to run down when it comes to earning TPE and having the TPE earned be relevant, and it's something I look forward to.

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246 words

[RedArrow12c]

2 Short Form Tasks

8) Write a short biography or story about your player. This could include background about how they came to the ISFL and how they’ve done so far, a story about their role in an exciting game, or anything else related to their experience in the league.

Red Arrow Jr. has a very interesting story, to say the least. Arrow Jr. is the son of former (at the time) NSFL player Red Arrow. Arrow was a wide receiver, and won a championship in his short tenure before being forced to retire at a much earlier than expected age due to injuries. Arrow suffered many concussions and was forced to stop playing the game he loved. However, Arrow was a dual sport athlete, and he continued his baseball career long after his football career ended. Arrow Jr. is different than his father, Arrow Jr.’s one true love is the game of football. From his youngest memories he has always been a leader on the football field, a natural athlete and natural quarterback. Arrow Jr. dabbled in baseball, and was actually very good at the sport just due to his natural athleticism, but it never compelled him in the way that football did. Junior, as his nickname is around the house, was always watching or playing football. From his days in middle school he trained six days a week, and never stopped chasing his dream of making it to the professional league. Junior wanted to beat his dad, and he believed he had the skillset to do so. Junior worked closely with many former professionals and fine tuned his skillset to make sure it was ready for the highest level. After a high school career that ended with a state championship, Junior committed to The Ohio State University, although he had pressure from his father to go to his alma mater, Georgia Tech. Junior redshirted his freshman year before taking over as a true sophomore and leading Ohio State to a Big 10 Championship victory, although an odd season prevented Ohio State from qualifying for the playoffs. After the system was revamped, Junior went on a tear and took his undefeated OSU football team all the way to a National Championship, where he defeated Alabama for a huge victory on the biggest stage. Following the game, Arrow Jr. officially announced his intentions to declare for the ISFL. Arrow Jr. continued to put in his all as he was placed on waivers, and he patiently waited to be drafted by his DSFL team. Arrow Jr. certainly garnered a lot of interest due to his name recognition and big-name performance, but with that comes pressure to perform at the highest level. Arrow Jr. knows he can do it, but he needs to make other teams believe as well.

418 Words

9) What is it that keeps you interested in the league? Is it your love of dot football, the community, a specific job or role you play, or something else? What do you like most about it? What could be improved?

Well, this is my inaugural season back in the ISFL, and it has been a decent length of time since I was in the league. When I was in the league, it was still the NSFL, and I was trying to juggle school work with the league, as well as a new job as GM in PBE, and a career in SHL. It was all too much. While I really enjoyed the league and community, I just didn’t have the time and didn’t want to put in half effort in the league. I decided to retire following a Yeti’s championship victory. I recently decided to re-create in the league, and this time as a quarterback. I want to be one of the top players in the league, and I believe that I have the ability to do so. I am very comfortable with sim leagues, as my top earner in PBE is showing, and I feel that I can really help a team at the quarterback position. Also, when I joined I found out that there was a new sim engine. This is really exciting to me, because the sim engine was a major factor in me deciding that the league wasn’t one of my main priorities. From what I have seen, the new sim engine seems great and a big step up from the previous one. I am really excited to see what happens in the coming seasons, and I am really glad I am able to be a part of it. I really like the community of this league, and I feel like it is a really welcoming and fun place to be in. All of the locker rooms that I have been a part of have been a blast to be a part of, and I’m sure the other one’s are great too. I am hoping to take over a new job too in the league, as I really enjoy helping the league out and a focused job gives me goals on what to do and how to do it best. Hopefully, I can replicate my PBE success in this league and find myself a nice, long-term home where I can really shine as a player and as a teammate. I know a bunch of guys around the league, and I’m sure they will help me find a home where I can really show off my potential. I am looking forward to the career of my new player in this league.

414 Words

[HENDRIX 2.0]

Tier 3: Written/Graphics Tasks (Each must be 200+ words or graphic)
Choose up to FOUR for 2.5 TPE each.

20) Pretend injuries are a thing in the ISFL and your team has had a lot of them lately – so many that your GM has asked you to play out of position. What position are they asking you to play and what about your player build will help you succeed in this role?

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Breaking news out of Yellowknife, Canada we are now hearing from multiple sources that with the groin pull of Wraiths RB Acura Skyline and shoulder injury to RB Jameson Vermillion the team will be starting LB Douglas Quaid at RB for the foreseeable future. To make up for Quaid’s move, the team will be moving Slammu to LB as well as calling up recent draftee LB Leonard Taylor. Quaid is a natural athlete. Through high school he played all over the field, before settling in on LB in college. Size wise he is just about as tall and heavy as NFL player Derrick Henry. Athleticism wise Quaid is a phenom. His strength, speed, acceleration, and agility combine to make him one of the best athletes in the league. He had one of the best pre-draft combine performances in league history. However, it’s fair to question whether or not Quaid has the required awareness for playing the position. If he could churn out close to four yards per carry that would take adequate pressure off the passing game. In light of the new move Quaid’s agent was able to negotiate an additional clause into his contract: for every touchdown and 50 scrimmage yards total, Quaid will receive a 100K bonus after the season. (217 words)

22) Your player has been paid to endorse a product/service. What is it? How do you endorse it?

The best way to utilize Douglas Quaid’s 255 pounds of buffness and handsomeness is to have him do a one hour infomercial for the Bowflex Xtreme. This workout device is a “home gym” type of machine. You could work out every muscle group in the body to get big and strong like Quaid. The commercial would air at about 4am eastern time, bookended by those commercials that give you phone numbers that only very lonely people call. The infomercial would start out with a gym scene. A gaunt and shy acting Quaid would be at a gym struggling to lift the bar on a bench press machine. Women in the gym whisper to each other laughing as Quaid tries to get in a workout. A big and muscular guy comes over and kicks Quaid off of the machine. A humiliated and frustrated Quaid walks out of the gym as old people walking on the treadmills shake their heads in disgust. “Are you sick of suffering from low self esteem? Do you want to get stronger and turn your life around?!” The rest of the commercial a spandex wearing Quaid would perform all the various resistance movements you could make with the machine. The final part of the commercial shows a transformed Quaid throwing the guy out of the gym that gave him a hard time and then getting in a workout by lifting the two women who were making fun of him in the beginning. (245 words)

26) Does your player have any New Years’ resolutions? If so, do you think they’ll stick with them? Why or why not?

Since the ISFL miraculously is able to fit in about seven seasons per calendar year when other leagues such as the NFL can only fit one,  I will focus on what will be the remainder of Quaid’s career. This first group of new year’s resolutions will be completely in my control. I want to become the highest TPE linebacker of all time, I want to have a max career length of thirteen seasons, and I want to end up in the top 10 of the TPE peak leaders list. For resolutions that will take some outside factors I would say winning an Ultimus with my current teammates would be the priority, next up would be 1,000 career tackles and 100 career sacks (unlikely but possible). It would be great to win one of the major awards such as defensive player of the year or Linebacker of the year. With how big our league has become winning something like that would be a great sim league accomplishment. I would also like to get back into creating more media. I like statistics related articles so I’m going to try to find some more time to pump those out. The members who make the best ones do a tremendous job, so approaching the quality they exhibit is another resolution of mine. (219 words)

28) The league is moving on to a new sim. What do you think about it? Are you excited to leave the old one behind? Maybe not so excited about it? Which parts of it do you think will be great, or not so great?

I’m excited about the sim engine change to the 2021 version. What I think is over the first few seasons that our league uses it there will be many little quirks that will be discovered and have to be dealt with. Apparently a lot of the baffling in game play calling logic is improved upon from the 2016 iteration. It would be swell if teams chasing a game tying touchdown down do a fullback dive three straight plays, or punt the ball away instead of trying a field goal their kicker is more than capable of making. One of the things that I love is the archetype overhaul. On paper, each type within each position looks viable. It’s an actual choice on which to choose. As a linebacker I spent quite a bit of time deciding on which direction to go in. Effectiveness will also depend on how optimally your player fits your team’s scheme. I’m a fan of statistics, and the new sim engine will provide us with more of them. This will be great for articles and to help decide award winners. Take a cornerback for example, there have been players in the best that get a bunch of INTs and PDs because they're on a team that gets lit up all game, thus giving them more opportunities to pad stats. A true shutdown CB will not pop off the stat sheet most of the time. We will now be able to see who really is bottling up opposing WRs out on the field. (256 words)

[UltimateYeehaw]

16) Your team has made it to the playoffs! Put together a pre-game playlist and explain how those songs will hype your players.

Chunt prides himself as the DJ master of his homeland of Foon so he is honored to make the pre-game playlist for this playoff season! He has compiled a list of 6 songs from start to finish in order to hype his teammates up properly.

1. Tokyo Drifting by Glass Animals (ft. Denzel Curry): To start. This song seems like it is going to be a sleeper until the middle of the song in which horns start blaring and Denzel Curry takes his verse. It is the best song to start a hype playlist because it eases you into the hard stuff.
2. Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi: Just a fun hype song. The beats are fast and, much like being in the pursuit of happiness, being in the playoffs gives a similar vibe.
3. BOOGIE by BROCKHAMPTON: By far the loudest song on the playlist. It makes you ready to dominate your opponents with lines such as “Break necks I’m the chiropractor” and “Ain’t no stopping me tonight/Im’a get all the things I like.”
4. Without Me by Eminem: Overall just a classic song about knowing what you’re doing is great. A wonderful motivator before this next song.
5. Numb Numb Juice by ScHoolboy Q: This song deals with wanting to be the best and have everything you want. It’s a message to the other team that their time is up.
6. Crazy Rap (Colt 45 & 2 Zig-Zags) by Afroman: To finish. This is a funny and feel good song that will lastly calm anyones nerves by putting them at ease. Simultaneously, it keeps the hype feelings up.

17) You’re in charge of entertainment for the Ultimus or Ultimini half-time show. What would you do?

As it should be, the Ultimus and Ultimini half-time show is one of the best parts of the game. It offers players a chance to regroup while fans get to enjoy a break from intensely watching their team or favorite players. Therefore, the half-time show this year should be different than just a musician playing. Instead, I propose we have all of the head office dressed in Blades of Glory type unitards with matching tutus. They start by prancing on the field to get in their spots for a unified dance routine. As with every dance routine there needs to be a song choice. I spent a lot of time deliberating what song could perfectly capture the energy of the Ultimus and found the perfect song for it: “Sun Don’t Let Me Down” by Keith Urban (ft. Pitbull.) This country song first sikes one out as a typical pop country ballad about wanting to spend the night longer with someone (as we want Ultimus night to be a long and fun one.) However, the bridge is then a surprise attack by the man, the myth, the naked mole rat in human form: Pitbull. This crossover is almost as iconic at the ISFL itself and would provide the justice and energy needed for this dance routine. The song would then repeat a total of 3 times, making this dance routine a total of 12 minutes so by the final repeat of the song, the entire crowd would be unified among teams singing off-key. It will demonstrate that beyond teams, this league cherishes camaraderie above all.

22) Your player has been paid to endorse a product/service. What is it? How do you endorse it?

Chunt The Badger has made his mark during his latest media piece by mentioning he has the iconic pleasure of being blessed with two assholes. While this is not a common characteristic of normal badgers, Chunt is an exception. With that being said, Chunt has sampled numerous forms of lubrication to help him in his quest to become human. Due to this, Chunt is now the official ISFL Ambassador for SKYN Extra Long Lasting Anal Lube. With two buttholes, Chunt has become an expert when it comes to the form of lube to provide anyone with pleasure in the back door region. Chunt’s endorsement deal will be a first for the league. He states that SKYN Extra Long Lasting Anal Lube is the best product on the market for its ability to provide long lasting pleasure, providing effortless application in which you don’t have to worry about reapplying. The methods of endorsement that best fit are by commercials that will be airing during both the Ultimus and Ultimini games, followed by word of mouth. We all know Chunt loves to talk about his sexual endeavors both successful and failed (i.e. Steg,) so what better way to spread the joy of SKYN Extra Long Lasting Anal Lube than by letting Chunt speak for it himself.


26) Does your player have any New Years’ resolutions? If so, do you think they’ll stick with them? Why or why not?

If anyone has read the hottest new media piece entitled “A Simple Plea: Ban iStegosauruz,” then you would know Chunt’s New Years’ resolution for 2021 is to shift into human form and become the best sim tester this league has ever seen. I personally think Chunt is hell bent on making this resolution come true despite the immense difficulties he is plagued by finding this. He so far has come into two main challenges. The first being that within the U.S. beasteality is not widely approved of. Because of this, Chunt has not had the easiest luck finding a human that would be okay with sleeping with him. As a surprise to him, many people run away from him once they realize he has the ability to speak among them. The second issue Chunt has run into is that he does not properly understand sim testing and really just decided to be better than the specie-ist Steg as a revenge plot. To counteract these problems, Chunt has formed a thorough plan:
Step 1: Go down to Alabama. More specifically, Auburn. If there are people that would sleep with their cousins, there are bound to be people that would be willing to sleep with him.
Step 2: In the meantime while hunting for human booty, study as much of the sim as he can. Chunt is willing to make a formal apology to Steg so he can teach him his ways of sim testing.
Step 3: Become human and the best sim tester in the league.

Overall, Chunt’s plan to continue his resolution is what sets him apart from others. With this plan, Chunt will indeed be able to achieve his resolution.