Let's starts by saying hi to the 23,592 rookies who have just joined the site and are figuring out what it is we do here. Let me give you a little rundown about what i do in this series of columns. Essentially, I go over the top with critiquing every team, I make a bunch of terrible jokes about players and situations (including a ton of inside jokes that anywhere form 1 to 100 people will catch). There's essentially zero actual analysis or redeeming value. It's 100% for entertainment and in no way should you take anything I say in these as any kind of seriousness. It's generally done form the perspective of the league being a real entity though i do sometimes slip in a real world viewpoint if it makes the joke better. Also...understand that even with people knowing all these facts, two things will inevitably happen. 1- People will ask me to write more of them. 2- People will still end up mad by what I say even while admitting they know better. Sometimes it's the same people. But it's all in fun and it's also worth noting that fun and non-serious articles related to the league pay just as well as dry, clinical analysis does. So does everything that falls somewhere between them on the scale. Now....I don't usually give this kind of preface but this is a special occasion. Okay.....let's get on with our regularly scheduled program, now that hopefully you new folks are well informed and also that management has stopped panic breathing into a paper bag after seeing me drop one of these right now of all times.
Well, well, well. Another season has come to an end and all that's left is Ultimus XIII: The Foregone Conclusion. We could look back on the many wonderful moments of the season that really changed the game. If we had any. Maybe the invasion of players will actually provide any. Or maybe I'll just drink more. That one seems more likely honestly. Let's just get this bullshit over with and see where each team stands right now.
ORANGE COUNTY OTTERS
Well, good for the Otters, winning their 5th title and completing the set of having defeated every team in the playoffs when they beat Colorado tomorrow. There's honestly not that much to say bad about them. They figured out how to halfass it like they were load managing and still do what they do. That's about it. Their Quarterback Gus TT Showbiz did his best all season to keep everyone in the game regardless of which team they were on. Of all the QBs the Otters have had, he's the current one. They're like the Lennox Lewis of football teams. Sure..you're winning but...you know....against who? Anyway, let's just ahead and start working on their banner. Welcome to the Meh Dynasty.
COLORADO YETI
Well, you fuckers did it, didn't you? I mean credit where it's due....you made it to the big game for the first time since S1. All it took was selling out the next several years worth of drafts which...actually hang on....that may not turn out to be as big a deal as previously thought. You lucky bastards. Anyway....selling out, turning a kicker into a QB, and Baltimore deciding this was the year they were gonna retreat into their egg to incubate for a season of losing after dominating for like..a decade. And by dominating I mean losing 27 Ultimi (and winning 1). But hey...you did it. You've given yourself the opportunity to be the last team to get disappointed. On the bright side...wait...nevermind that IS the brightside. On the...not dark side?....sure........your GM is staying put despite earlier rumors that he would be leaving after the season. Plus you got back that $20 million in cap space that you would have gotten if he ended up on the Hawks roster next season from the trade that didn't happen that he wrote that in no way made people think he was leaving. Nope. Kinda like how Marquise Brown THINKS he's leaving but you've got Cansino building steam and don't really need to focus on that position. But Adam...what about our playoff win? Doesn't that prove that we made the right decisions and that all these rumors based on fact should be ignored? I mean...yeah sure. I'll let you know when MY trade from S6 stops getting talked about and then you'll have a timeline on when you stop hearing about it. Or the heat death of the Universe will happen. It's a tossup.
PHILADELPHIA LIBERTY
Trust the Process. For what again? To get your asses whipped by 40 points? No..don't point to the box score. You got fucking throttled by the goddamn YETI and needed 3 pity scores in the last 7 minutes. And the Yeti literally handed you two of those in their own territory. You were getting piddly little 6 yard plays against a defense that was literally already celebrating because they were ahead by 40 fucking points. Fun fact: Your season had a +36 point differential. Funner fact: Marquise Brown declared for Free Agency before the plane even touched down. I mean..okay..that's probably gonna end up more fun for you than anyone when you plug in the next runner who gets 1400 yards and your teams doesn't miss a beat while he signs with like....uhhh...funny thing..the entire ASFC already is set for young talented RBs and his only options are the two teams he shit talked the most in Baltimore and Colorado. Or are they even options really? You might actually SAVE cap when you eventually re-sign him. Of course, this represented your best window under very specific circumstances and you're probably back to barely break 500 next season and lucky to sniff a playoff appearance you don't deserve.....hey...wait a second. No..that checks out. It'll be a different season, it just will end the same. While I wrote this Falconi threw a TD to the other team. She's out there every day proving that she can throw interceptions just as well as any of the male QBs.
ARIZONA OUTLAWS
Your QB is retired after a hissy fit of basically normal proportions. You finished out of the running for the Big Two to take his place. Your pass catching running back had to become a cornerback out of shame from being the 6th best running back in his own conference. Management has changed. The Otters are doing Otter things. All in all...this seems about normal for the Outlaws. Slim Shady is a bright spot. His contract is up next season. The rest of your defense is still bordering on elite, which is good. Next season the gameplan is probably gonna be so run heavy by necessity that Reg Mackworthy has to avoid the team's calls. Leave him alone you bastards. And the worst part is that the brightest hope you have is a massive influx of talent to choose from....which everyone else also has access to. Well...at least you're the one team who's not dumb enough to try a win now strategy since there's no point. Your glory days are just....dust on the horizon.
BALTIMORE HAWKS
Man....spending the entire season dominating only to lose in the very last game you play. We've seen you do it with the Ultimus many times but seeing you do it with the #1 draft pick is a refreshing change of pace. Shout out to Generic Running Back #37 for stepping in when his predecessor ceased to exist though and still managing to do a credible job. AKA, another reason Marquise Brown ain't gettin' paid since you'll be able to nab a nice draft pick and put them in the role without any of the baggage. I mean shit....even if you didn't have that option why wou;d you need him? You guys could just do something utterly ridiculous like have your QB lead the league rushing. Wait....you've actually done that. Anyway, rumors abound about your GM situation because only like 5 people know and none of us are telling. Til then no one really has any real clue despite everyone having a theory. Theories that are almost as unproven as your secondary existing.
NEW ORLEANS SECOND LINE
Like the Outlaws you too will miss out on the biggest QB sweepstakes that has ever happened in one season for now. Unlike the Outlaws you have TWO young gun RBs ready to carry the load. They have an actual defense though. You have....people who line up and try really hard. Luckily you also have a passing offense which is....technically in existence. Borkus Maximus III is still at the helm, which is impressive given that his grandchildren might be in next season's draft. Paul DiMirio finally died on the field which was heartwarming. He probably still caught a 6 yard pass afterwards though. Nola is at a crossroads of what to do going forward. Other than drink. You're definitely doing that. But ON the football field, the team is going to need to figure out a plan. Are they the team desperate enough to make a fake locker room into a real locker room for one special player? We shall see. In the meantime....shout outs to the all time leading tackler and pass catcher of the NSFL in their last year in the league. Imagine having those kind of players and a top 2-3 QB of all time and finishing with a losing record 4 seasons in a row. Anyway, back to the drinking.
YELLOWKNIFE WRAITHS
The season started with virtually every learned individual understanding that the Wraiths weren't a great team and that the QB draft class that was upcoming would provide a great way for the team to solidify it's future at the most important position as Ryan Applehort ages into a fine powder. Unfortunately, the world is full of people who read that as learned instead of learn-ed in the first sentence. Thus the Wraiths got off to a conference lead for seemingly no apparent reason. It wasn't really til midseason that they managed to wrong the ship and start heading to the bottom, where they ultimately snuck in to steal the top pick in the draft from the Hawks. Hopefully whoever gets drafted there will be able to work with their supporting cast. A Tight End who still has a new car smell. Receivers who have really great personalities. A running back who can't run the ball more than 6 yards at a time. A defense that relied on the oldest player in the league to actually contribute. A stadium that we're still not sure how it gets filled. Plus the ridiculous weather in Yellowknife. Seriously. Google it. That's what awaits the lucky #1. It's so cold that the only motto this team can think up is about how fucking cold it is. Maybe that's why the team only had 1 50 yard play form scrimmage all season. What do you expect from the team that forgot it was the worst team in the league for half a season?
SAN JOSE SABERCATS
A member of the team said "....we honestly don't have to do it this season.....The Sabercats are going to be around a while." The Sabercats remain the only team in NSFL history to never win a playoff game. They are in fact the only team to have never held the lead in the last 10 minutes of the 4th quarter of a playoff game. I can't make any jokes that would match the team's reality.
And there we have it. A general look at where each team is right now. If you rookies have made it this far, well bless your hearts. Enjoy your plethora of terrible options to play out your entire careers. These are the teams you've been working your entire life to be a part of. A bunch of teams who make decisions like a Tight End in an announce booth. Or, if the rumor I just made up about league expansion is true, brand NEW organizations full of people making six figure salaries who don't have a clue what they're doing. This is what peak performance looks like for the most popular sport in the country. On the bright side, at least none of these teams are likely to ask you if you have two testicles.
Well, well, well. Another season has come to an end and all that's left is Ultimus XIII: The Foregone Conclusion. We could look back on the many wonderful moments of the season that really changed the game. If we had any. Maybe the invasion of players will actually provide any. Or maybe I'll just drink more. That one seems more likely honestly. Let's just get this bullshit over with and see where each team stands right now.
ORANGE COUNTY OTTERS
Well, good for the Otters, winning their 5th title and completing the set of having defeated every team in the playoffs when they beat Colorado tomorrow. There's honestly not that much to say bad about them. They figured out how to halfass it like they were load managing and still do what they do. That's about it. Their Quarterback Gus TT Showbiz did his best all season to keep everyone in the game regardless of which team they were on. Of all the QBs the Otters have had, he's the current one. They're like the Lennox Lewis of football teams. Sure..you're winning but...you know....against who? Anyway, let's just ahead and start working on their banner. Welcome to the Meh Dynasty.
COLORADO YETI
Well, you fuckers did it, didn't you? I mean credit where it's due....you made it to the big game for the first time since S1. All it took was selling out the next several years worth of drafts which...actually hang on....that may not turn out to be as big a deal as previously thought. You lucky bastards. Anyway....selling out, turning a kicker into a QB, and Baltimore deciding this was the year they were gonna retreat into their egg to incubate for a season of losing after dominating for like..a decade. And by dominating I mean losing 27 Ultimi (and winning 1). But hey...you did it. You've given yourself the opportunity to be the last team to get disappointed. On the bright side...wait...nevermind that IS the brightside. On the...not dark side?....sure........your GM is staying put despite earlier rumors that he would be leaving after the season. Plus you got back that $20 million in cap space that you would have gotten if he ended up on the Hawks roster next season from the trade that didn't happen that he wrote that in no way made people think he was leaving. Nope. Kinda like how Marquise Brown THINKS he's leaving but you've got Cansino building steam and don't really need to focus on that position. But Adam...what about our playoff win? Doesn't that prove that we made the right decisions and that all these rumors based on fact should be ignored? I mean...yeah sure. I'll let you know when MY trade from S6 stops getting talked about and then you'll have a timeline on when you stop hearing about it. Or the heat death of the Universe will happen. It's a tossup.
PHILADELPHIA LIBERTY
Trust the Process. For what again? To get your asses whipped by 40 points? No..don't point to the box score. You got fucking throttled by the goddamn YETI and needed 3 pity scores in the last 7 minutes. And the Yeti literally handed you two of those in their own territory. You were getting piddly little 6 yard plays against a defense that was literally already celebrating because they were ahead by 40 fucking points. Fun fact: Your season had a +36 point differential. Funner fact: Marquise Brown declared for Free Agency before the plane even touched down. I mean..okay..that's probably gonna end up more fun for you than anyone when you plug in the next runner who gets 1400 yards and your teams doesn't miss a beat while he signs with like....uhhh...funny thing..the entire ASFC already is set for young talented RBs and his only options are the two teams he shit talked the most in Baltimore and Colorado. Or are they even options really? You might actually SAVE cap when you eventually re-sign him. Of course, this represented your best window under very specific circumstances and you're probably back to barely break 500 next season and lucky to sniff a playoff appearance you don't deserve.....hey...wait a second. No..that checks out. It'll be a different season, it just will end the same. While I wrote this Falconi threw a TD to the other team. She's out there every day proving that she can throw interceptions just as well as any of the male QBs.
ARIZONA OUTLAWS
Your QB is retired after a hissy fit of basically normal proportions. You finished out of the running for the Big Two to take his place. Your pass catching running back had to become a cornerback out of shame from being the 6th best running back in his own conference. Management has changed. The Otters are doing Otter things. All in all...this seems about normal for the Outlaws. Slim Shady is a bright spot. His contract is up next season. The rest of your defense is still bordering on elite, which is good. Next season the gameplan is probably gonna be so run heavy by necessity that Reg Mackworthy has to avoid the team's calls. Leave him alone you bastards. And the worst part is that the brightest hope you have is a massive influx of talent to choose from....which everyone else also has access to. Well...at least you're the one team who's not dumb enough to try a win now strategy since there's no point. Your glory days are just....dust on the horizon.
BALTIMORE HAWKS
Man....spending the entire season dominating only to lose in the very last game you play. We've seen you do it with the Ultimus many times but seeing you do it with the #1 draft pick is a refreshing change of pace. Shout out to Generic Running Back #37 for stepping in when his predecessor ceased to exist though and still managing to do a credible job. AKA, another reason Marquise Brown ain't gettin' paid since you'll be able to nab a nice draft pick and put them in the role without any of the baggage. I mean shit....even if you didn't have that option why wou;d you need him? You guys could just do something utterly ridiculous like have your QB lead the league rushing. Wait....you've actually done that. Anyway, rumors abound about your GM situation because only like 5 people know and none of us are telling. Til then no one really has any real clue despite everyone having a theory. Theories that are almost as unproven as your secondary existing.
NEW ORLEANS SECOND LINE
Like the Outlaws you too will miss out on the biggest QB sweepstakes that has ever happened in one season for now. Unlike the Outlaws you have TWO young gun RBs ready to carry the load. They have an actual defense though. You have....people who line up and try really hard. Luckily you also have a passing offense which is....technically in existence. Borkus Maximus III is still at the helm, which is impressive given that his grandchildren might be in next season's draft. Paul DiMirio finally died on the field which was heartwarming. He probably still caught a 6 yard pass afterwards though. Nola is at a crossroads of what to do going forward. Other than drink. You're definitely doing that. But ON the football field, the team is going to need to figure out a plan. Are they the team desperate enough to make a fake locker room into a real locker room for one special player? We shall see. In the meantime....shout outs to the all time leading tackler and pass catcher of the NSFL in their last year in the league. Imagine having those kind of players and a top 2-3 QB of all time and finishing with a losing record 4 seasons in a row. Anyway, back to the drinking.
YELLOWKNIFE WRAITHS
The season started with virtually every learned individual understanding that the Wraiths weren't a great team and that the QB draft class that was upcoming would provide a great way for the team to solidify it's future at the most important position as Ryan Applehort ages into a fine powder. Unfortunately, the world is full of people who read that as learned instead of learn-ed in the first sentence. Thus the Wraiths got off to a conference lead for seemingly no apparent reason. It wasn't really til midseason that they managed to wrong the ship and start heading to the bottom, where they ultimately snuck in to steal the top pick in the draft from the Hawks. Hopefully whoever gets drafted there will be able to work with their supporting cast. A Tight End who still has a new car smell. Receivers who have really great personalities. A running back who can't run the ball more than 6 yards at a time. A defense that relied on the oldest player in the league to actually contribute. A stadium that we're still not sure how it gets filled. Plus the ridiculous weather in Yellowknife. Seriously. Google it. That's what awaits the lucky #1. It's so cold that the only motto this team can think up is about how fucking cold it is. Maybe that's why the team only had 1 50 yard play form scrimmage all season. What do you expect from the team that forgot it was the worst team in the league for half a season?
SAN JOSE SABERCATS
A member of the team said "....we honestly don't have to do it this season.....The Sabercats are going to be around a while." The Sabercats remain the only team in NSFL history to never win a playoff game. They are in fact the only team to have never held the lead in the last 10 minutes of the 4th quarter of a playoff game. I can't make any jokes that would match the team's reality.
And there we have it. A general look at where each team is right now. If you rookies have made it this far, well bless your hearts. Enjoy your plethora of terrible options to play out your entire careers. These are the teams you've been working your entire life to be a part of. A bunch of teams who make decisions like a Tight End in an announce booth. Or, if the rumor I just made up about league expansion is true, brand NEW organizations full of people making six figure salaries who don't have a clue what they're doing. This is what peak performance looks like for the most popular sport in the country. On the bright side, at least none of these teams are likely to ask you if you have two testicles.