Dick Wizardry sits alone on a comfy looking chair with a mic set up in front of him and a table next to him with several unlabelled drinks on it. Behind him is a wall that has the Austin Copperheads logo and nothing else. Just an overall sparse space featuring the NSFL player and not much else. The man himself grins and raises the glass in hand as he uses his offhand to move the mic setup slightly more towards him.
Dick: What’s up NSFL. It’s ya boy Dick. I’m here because I wanted to sit down and have a little heart to heart with ya’ll. The season has come and gone and ya boy just straight up saw the time for a change. After my career stalled out in the wasteland and I got put on the expansion market, my new GM came to me and talked to me about it. Charlie Law is a hell of a guy. Carlito too but he wasn’t quite with the team yet. Either way I came in understanding what my role on this team would be and ya boy has been makin’ every effort to make sure my team knows every day that I’m with ya and that what’s happened this season was always gonna be it. It doesn’t define us, bro. But as many times as ya say it, ya still gotta live it. And when I was lost in the shuffle, I kept my head down and worked and goddammit ya boy did the same thing year. Except this year as someone valued by management, I went above. Ya hear me? A...fucking...bove. I worked out with everybody. I worked with coaches. I watched film. I talked to scouts. I did my best to ask questions on gameplans, future plans, everything. Team welcomed it and the other players responded. Even peeps like my main motherafuckin’ dude Django who came in the league same as I did has had every bit of encouragement and support for me to just roll in and start shot callin’. Prolly because I made sure I did that shit RIGHT. No asshole shenanigans. Just straight up leadership. A role I find myself in and takin’ very seriously.
He nods and looks off thoughtfully for a moment, taking a sip of his drink.
Dick: Look ya’ll, that shit means a lot. That kinda role….that kinda support for somebody like me to just slide right in….it’s impossible for ya boy to put to words, ya know? And I think..nah..fuck that.. KNOW I rise to the occasion for this team every single day. And I’m gonna keep doin’ that. Doesn’t matter how my story started, k? Doesn’t matter what I faced down and walked through. My therapist made me realize that I was viewin’ some of my success and failures and so i see it now. I see what I been through, bro. And I know where I’m goin’. I saw the light like a there was Jesus in my toast or some shit. And that’s why when the season ended I asked for a meeting with C+C Football Factory. That’s an old school joke right there ya’ll. I told ‘em that after the year we had, after all this that went down, that it was time for a change. A change with me. And both of ‘em understood. And that’s why I’m announcin’ that I am retiring as of now.
Dick solemnly takes a dep breath and sips some more of his drink.
Dick: Nah, I’m playin’. I got a lot left in the tank. Fucked with ‘em both for a second there though. HIlarious. But fuck nah. I ain’t goin’ anywhere, regardless of whatever rumors ya’ll mighta heard from any 3rd rate backup running backs who never even led their team in rushing. I mean fuck bro why even start that shit? You don’t know shit. Nobody told ya shit. You were just..chirpin’ outta your underachieving ass all year for no reason.
Dick mimes the talking hand signal and rolls his eyes aggressively.
Dick: Nah...I’m like pumpkin spice bro. I’m goin’ nowhere. What I’m doing is something else. So I talked to Carlito and Charlie about it. I mean, it was about this point in both their careers where they both went through big changes. But lemme make sure ya’ll understand. I signed a contract extension to stay with this team for a long ass time and I intend to finish my career here and then keep goin’ after that. This ain’t one of them decisions where I fuck aorund for an hour just to talk about going to the beach. Austin? I live here now. I’m a fuckin’ Copperhead. Nah, see that ain’t the kinda change we’re talkin’ here. But first I wanna talk about some people. People who deserve recognition. We got so many rookies starting man. Do ya’ll even realize that? Like my dude Easton. It’s rough to be a rookie QB in this league. You can look back through the years and see it. There’s a reason most QBs get an extra year in the DSFL first. And hey, in my case that’s two rookie QBs in two years so I know a little somethin’ about it. I’m the guy standin’ there closest to him, at times helpin’ ‘em read defenses and coverages and shit. I been there and lemme tell you this shit. Easton never stops. He never stops workin’. Never stops tryin’ to spot things on film that he saw on the field. Never stops wanting to do drills, to improve all the mechanics and intangibles in addition to gettin’ that route tree down. That man’s gonna be the shit yo.
Dick smiles and takes a sip of his drink.
Dick: Mako and Pete. Ya’ll are some fun mo’fuckers. I love workin’ with ya’ll and hittin’ the bar after. I love how much passion you boys have for this game and this team. Ya’ll gonna get there. Django my dude. Rod…...awwww…..man. There’s a day comin’ real soon when you’re just gonna shit all over this league like a crop duster with diarrhea bro. My o-line boys. I owe all ya’ll. You know that. Lance. You know what’s up. Beaver you are fuckin’ crazy. Ryan, my dude with that leg. Might be the team MVP over me. For real. Al of my offensive dudes out there workin’ with me over and over even when it ain’t going well. Team’s gonna get there ya’ll and you’re why. Never forget that. I love ya’ll. The way we’ve kept growing together...it’s awesome. A new experience. A locker room that ain’t just a collection of people sharin’ the same space ya know? Ya boy has your back. And my defense? Aww man ya’ll…..we put some work in this year. It was so cool to see somebody like Sandip come in and just flourish man. It was cool to get a chance to get with the rookies one on one and talk about moves and what offensive players are thinkin’ and to share the things I know. I had so much fun just talkin’ football and seein’ ya’ll put that shit to work is just the shit. I mean that. My boy Gray. I ain’t dumb enough to try outdrinking you. Not after the last three attempts. I’ll hit you up right after this goes out, my dude. We been puttin’ in that work and we got a lot more…...you’ll see. Dermot. You a loud ass fucker on the field.
Wizardry actually straight up giggles and shakes his head.
Dick: Ya’ll don’t even know. Dude’s mouth never quits. Love that guy. This is a dude who coulda coasted on his dad’s name and he’s out here pushin’ like crazy to be the fuckin’ legend he is in his mind. Chase is the first motherfcucker who texted me after I got moved in the expansion draft. Funny too, he’s a dude I talked to about some stuff and inspired me a bit. Just this whole squad makes me happy man. Yeha, this season sucked. Yeah, that was the plan and it still sucked. But WE? We don’t suck. WE are goddamn rockstars. And I’m excited for how hard we’re gonna turn around a smack this fuckin’ league in the mouth next season. THIS season. Our new season starts now. We’re gonna start puttin’ in that work. I’ve been doing that dirt too. I’ve been talking to the bosses. And I gave them my recommendation for our pick. They really accepted me into this role and listened to my thoughts. But it’s time to tlak about me and my change.
He nods solemnly and takes a big ass drink before setting down the cup.
Dick: I’ve been workin’ with a doctor, a nutritionist, everything. Some of ya’ll might have even noticed some differences in me physically. And it’s because I’m steppin’ away from the running back position. All the dreams I had all the goals I was workin’ towards? They all secondary now. What I wanted before and what I want now are different. World’s changed. And that’s why I’m here. To tell ya’ll right up front what’s goin’ on because that’s how ya boy rolls. It’s time to go where the team needs me. To a place where it turned out I know of a fuckload about. Startin’ this season, Dick Wizardry switches sides and drops into the dirt with the d-line. That’s right. I’m done protecting QBs. I’m here to start maulin’ them fuckers. I’m comin’ to whoop the passion outta the Christ. This Dick is goin’ straight at Cooter. Jenkins, you shoulda stayed in the DSFL. Gonna trample your whole fuckin’ garden. Imma tame that Falconi. Knock that extra T off Showbiz. Stan? Actually you cool. I’m gonna fuck up your day twice a year but we cool. All of ya’ll. I’m comin’. The Copperheads are about to get real fuckin stacked on defense homey. I’m gonna make this D a big D. Set Dermot and Chase and Sandip up for even more success. Ya’ll thought Grey Worm was the shit? Here comes GrayDick. Good fuckin’ luck to the rest of the league. And when I’m not wreckin’ QBs...well...guess what running backs? I’m better than you at your job and I don’t even do your job no more, bro. I know every move every one of ya’ll got and I know how to fuck up your whole YPC. Imma get you, your backup, yo gramma, you money, you sponsors, and I’m gonna steal the love of your pets. I got a goddamn defense to to strap on my back and I’m about to plow right down your fuckin’ throats. And I’m carryin’ some badass hungry motherfuckers behind me and ya’ll have been duly and properly warned. Fear the fuckin’ Sneks, boys. Dick’s out.
He moves the mic away from his face and smiles a smug smile before lifting his shirt and showing off a much larger frame than previously seen from the now former running back. Also, a somewhat unfortunate bronze snake tattoo on his chest.
Dick: What’s up NSFL. It’s ya boy Dick. I’m here because I wanted to sit down and have a little heart to heart with ya’ll. The season has come and gone and ya boy just straight up saw the time for a change. After my career stalled out in the wasteland and I got put on the expansion market, my new GM came to me and talked to me about it. Charlie Law is a hell of a guy. Carlito too but he wasn’t quite with the team yet. Either way I came in understanding what my role on this team would be and ya boy has been makin’ every effort to make sure my team knows every day that I’m with ya and that what’s happened this season was always gonna be it. It doesn’t define us, bro. But as many times as ya say it, ya still gotta live it. And when I was lost in the shuffle, I kept my head down and worked and goddammit ya boy did the same thing year. Except this year as someone valued by management, I went above. Ya hear me? A...fucking...bove. I worked out with everybody. I worked with coaches. I watched film. I talked to scouts. I did my best to ask questions on gameplans, future plans, everything. Team welcomed it and the other players responded. Even peeps like my main motherafuckin’ dude Django who came in the league same as I did has had every bit of encouragement and support for me to just roll in and start shot callin’. Prolly because I made sure I did that shit RIGHT. No asshole shenanigans. Just straight up leadership. A role I find myself in and takin’ very seriously.
He nods and looks off thoughtfully for a moment, taking a sip of his drink.
Dick: Look ya’ll, that shit means a lot. That kinda role….that kinda support for somebody like me to just slide right in….it’s impossible for ya boy to put to words, ya know? And I think..nah..fuck that.. KNOW I rise to the occasion for this team every single day. And I’m gonna keep doin’ that. Doesn’t matter how my story started, k? Doesn’t matter what I faced down and walked through. My therapist made me realize that I was viewin’ some of my success and failures and so i see it now. I see what I been through, bro. And I know where I’m goin’. I saw the light like a there was Jesus in my toast or some shit. And that’s why when the season ended I asked for a meeting with C+C Football Factory. That’s an old school joke right there ya’ll. I told ‘em that after the year we had, after all this that went down, that it was time for a change. A change with me. And both of ‘em understood. And that’s why I’m announcin’ that I am retiring as of now.
Dick solemnly takes a dep breath and sips some more of his drink.
Dick: Nah, I’m playin’. I got a lot left in the tank. Fucked with ‘em both for a second there though. HIlarious. But fuck nah. I ain’t goin’ anywhere, regardless of whatever rumors ya’ll mighta heard from any 3rd rate backup running backs who never even led their team in rushing. I mean fuck bro why even start that shit? You don’t know shit. Nobody told ya shit. You were just..chirpin’ outta your underachieving ass all year for no reason.
Dick mimes the talking hand signal and rolls his eyes aggressively.
Dick: Nah...I’m like pumpkin spice bro. I’m goin’ nowhere. What I’m doing is something else. So I talked to Carlito and Charlie about it. I mean, it was about this point in both their careers where they both went through big changes. But lemme make sure ya’ll understand. I signed a contract extension to stay with this team for a long ass time and I intend to finish my career here and then keep goin’ after that. This ain’t one of them decisions where I fuck aorund for an hour just to talk about going to the beach. Austin? I live here now. I’m a fuckin’ Copperhead. Nah, see that ain’t the kinda change we’re talkin’ here. But first I wanna talk about some people. People who deserve recognition. We got so many rookies starting man. Do ya’ll even realize that? Like my dude Easton. It’s rough to be a rookie QB in this league. You can look back through the years and see it. There’s a reason most QBs get an extra year in the DSFL first. And hey, in my case that’s two rookie QBs in two years so I know a little somethin’ about it. I’m the guy standin’ there closest to him, at times helpin’ ‘em read defenses and coverages and shit. I been there and lemme tell you this shit. Easton never stops. He never stops workin’. Never stops tryin’ to spot things on film that he saw on the field. Never stops wanting to do drills, to improve all the mechanics and intangibles in addition to gettin’ that route tree down. That man’s gonna be the shit yo.
Dick smiles and takes a sip of his drink.
Dick: Mako and Pete. Ya’ll are some fun mo’fuckers. I love workin’ with ya’ll and hittin’ the bar after. I love how much passion you boys have for this game and this team. Ya’ll gonna get there. Django my dude. Rod…...awwww…..man. There’s a day comin’ real soon when you’re just gonna shit all over this league like a crop duster with diarrhea bro. My o-line boys. I owe all ya’ll. You know that. Lance. You know what’s up. Beaver you are fuckin’ crazy. Ryan, my dude with that leg. Might be the team MVP over me. For real. Al of my offensive dudes out there workin’ with me over and over even when it ain’t going well. Team’s gonna get there ya’ll and you’re why. Never forget that. I love ya’ll. The way we’ve kept growing together...it’s awesome. A new experience. A locker room that ain’t just a collection of people sharin’ the same space ya know? Ya boy has your back. And my defense? Aww man ya’ll…..we put some work in this year. It was so cool to see somebody like Sandip come in and just flourish man. It was cool to get a chance to get with the rookies one on one and talk about moves and what offensive players are thinkin’ and to share the things I know. I had so much fun just talkin’ football and seein’ ya’ll put that shit to work is just the shit. I mean that. My boy Gray. I ain’t dumb enough to try outdrinking you. Not after the last three attempts. I’ll hit you up right after this goes out, my dude. We been puttin’ in that work and we got a lot more…...you’ll see. Dermot. You a loud ass fucker on the field.
Wizardry actually straight up giggles and shakes his head.
Dick: Ya’ll don’t even know. Dude’s mouth never quits. Love that guy. This is a dude who coulda coasted on his dad’s name and he’s out here pushin’ like crazy to be the fuckin’ legend he is in his mind. Chase is the first motherfcucker who texted me after I got moved in the expansion draft. Funny too, he’s a dude I talked to about some stuff and inspired me a bit. Just this whole squad makes me happy man. Yeha, this season sucked. Yeah, that was the plan and it still sucked. But WE? We don’t suck. WE are goddamn rockstars. And I’m excited for how hard we’re gonna turn around a smack this fuckin’ league in the mouth next season. THIS season. Our new season starts now. We’re gonna start puttin’ in that work. I’ve been doing that dirt too. I’ve been talking to the bosses. And I gave them my recommendation for our pick. They really accepted me into this role and listened to my thoughts. But it’s time to tlak about me and my change.
He nods solemnly and takes a big ass drink before setting down the cup.
Dick: I’ve been workin’ with a doctor, a nutritionist, everything. Some of ya’ll might have even noticed some differences in me physically. And it’s because I’m steppin’ away from the running back position. All the dreams I had all the goals I was workin’ towards? They all secondary now. What I wanted before and what I want now are different. World’s changed. And that’s why I’m here. To tell ya’ll right up front what’s goin’ on because that’s how ya boy rolls. It’s time to go where the team needs me. To a place where it turned out I know of a fuckload about. Startin’ this season, Dick Wizardry switches sides and drops into the dirt with the d-line. That’s right. I’m done protecting QBs. I’m here to start maulin’ them fuckers. I’m comin’ to whoop the passion outta the Christ. This Dick is goin’ straight at Cooter. Jenkins, you shoulda stayed in the DSFL. Gonna trample your whole fuckin’ garden. Imma tame that Falconi. Knock that extra T off Showbiz. Stan? Actually you cool. I’m gonna fuck up your day twice a year but we cool. All of ya’ll. I’m comin’. The Copperheads are about to get real fuckin stacked on defense homey. I’m gonna make this D a big D. Set Dermot and Chase and Sandip up for even more success. Ya’ll thought Grey Worm was the shit? Here comes GrayDick. Good fuckin’ luck to the rest of the league. And when I’m not wreckin’ QBs...well...guess what running backs? I’m better than you at your job and I don’t even do your job no more, bro. I know every move every one of ya’ll got and I know how to fuck up your whole YPC. Imma get you, your backup, yo gramma, you money, you sponsors, and I’m gonna steal the love of your pets. I got a goddamn defense to to strap on my back and I’m about to plow right down your fuckin’ throats. And I’m carryin’ some badass hungry motherfuckers behind me and ya’ll have been duly and properly warned. Fear the fuckin’ Sneks, boys. Dick’s out.
He moves the mic away from his face and smiles a smug smile before lifting his shirt and showing off a much larger frame than previously seen from the now former running back. Also, a somewhat unfortunate bronze snake tattoo on his chest.