11-04-2019, 02:46 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-13-2019, 09:12 AM by goodvsevil1275.)
Despite not making the playoffs last season there was a lot of optimism for the New Orleans Second Line heading into Season 18. New Orleans lost a handful of close contests in Season 17 and they hoped their investments in the draft would pay off by flipping their luck in close games this season. Early on in the current season it looked like New Orleans had done just that. The Second Line was victorious in the first four games, with victories over Austin, San Jose, Arizona and Colorado. New Orleans would suffer defeats in their next two games against Colorado and Orange County, but the season seemed to be back on track with two straight wins over San Jose and Philadelphia. Then in Week 8 the wheels would come off, and the Second Line would eventually suffer four straight losses in heartbreaking fashion.
Unfortunately due to... internal issues... New Orleans has traded away some of their young draft pieces on both sides of the ball. While they returned some older talent along with draft picks for the future, these changes may have contributed to the New Orleans' fall in the standings to fourth in the ASFC. One thing that it did open up was a linebacker spot for me to slide back into my natural position. I started the season at defensive end for New Orleans, and I had a solid if unremarkable start to the season. I was around the middle of the pack in terms of total tackles for all defensive ends, thankfully including piling up tackles for loss with the best of the best in the DE landscape. But overall I felt I didn't have much impact on the game, so I was happy to make the switch back to linebacker.
Unfortunately, in making the switch back to linebacker (and the pressures that came with it) I felt like I really had to step up, especially since the previous week 8 saw the Austin Copperheads beat us 42-28. This added pressure led to me having a terrible week of practices leading up to the week 9 Arizona game. I did what any athlete would do in this situation: turn to drugs.
Week 9 @Arizona Outlaws: 17-10 LOSS
Drug of Choice: THE WEEEEDDUUHHH /stephen a
Part of my practice issues were that my mind was going way too fast trying to process being back at linebacker, and so my first instinct was to secure some jazz tobacco to hopefully calm my nerves and let me play more instinctively. Unfortunately I was unable to get my hands on any of the devil's lettuce during the week so I couldn't test myself playing while high in practice. I almost didn't go through with it, but I figured what is the worst that could happen? I snuck a small plastic bong into the locker room, and when the coach was giving a big pre-game speech I slipped into the bathroom to get high. I really think I overdid it though.
First, it took forever for the training staff to even get me out of the locker room and onto the field. I was too busy staring at the items in my locker and I even tried to eat one of my shoes, thinking it was a snack. God did I have the munchies. I finally got onto the field and laid face down on the sidelines during the anthem. I think a few people were upset about me "disrespecting" the flag, but I think it was pretty obvious I was in a bad spot so everyone just left me alone until the anthem was over. Eventually Ironsides was able to direct me to my linebacker position after a quick New Orleans three and out, and Arizona started their first offensive series with the ball on their 29 yard line. The first snap of the series saw Reese complete an easy pass to Valentine for an immediate first down near midfield. This was largely due to me standing in place during the play, laughing as I watched the ball sail near me and into Valentine's waiting hands. I found it hilarious! The rest of the team didn't and they roughly pushed me onto the right side of the line of scrimmage for the next play. I was still pretty out of it, and I think most of our defense was too, because Arizona passed at will on us (only one incompletion) for a quick score and we were down 7-0.
When I got back to the sideline, the first thing I did was sprint to the water cooler. Well I thought I sprinted, but I was later informed by the media that I was crawling on my hands and knees. I finally had cured my intense cotton mouth when my defensive coordinator found me hiding behind the water table. The DC started yelling in my face, but quickly noticed that I was both laughing and crying and he quickly changed tactics. He could smell the smoke on my jersey, and he quickly came up with a plan.
"Sloth... are you... hungry?"
I nodded eagerly, the munchies were really getting the best of me. I wondered what snacks coach kept with him on game days.
"You see the football... that motherfucker is made of chocolate. GO GET IT!"
I really found this funny... but I also really wanted that damn chocolate football. Unfortunately the New Orleans offense suffered another quick three and out. Luckily while the discussion felt two hours long, I was able to disengage my defensive coordinator and make it back onto the field in time for our next defensive series. This time, I was a bit more active because I wanted some chocolate, but I largely just ran around in the box yelling my head off because everything was so freaking confusing (don't worry, there was also a ton of giggling). My teammates really picked me up here and the Second Line defense forced Arizona kicker Clutch (oxymoron?) to miss a field goal. NOLA managed to get a first down on their next play, but would eventually be forced to punt by the Arizona defense.
At this point I was REALLY hungry, and I was sick of all the other players having fun with the chocolate football. The first play after the NOLA punt, my hunger overcame my confusion and I sacked Reese for a big 7 yard loss! I almost got a delay of game penalty from the refs because they had to wrestle the football away from me. I even lost a tooth that caught on the ball's laces when the ref ripped it from my mouth. But it sure was tasty! I liked it so much that my next game action (after more standing around staring at clouds in the sky) was another sack of Reese, forcing a punt in the second quarter! I really had sack lunches on my mind with these munchies.
About half way through the second quarter, I REALLY started to crash. My blood sugar was super low from not eating much all day, and I was REALLY stoned. I spent most of the rest of the game slowly shuffling back and forth, but I mostly just kind of laid down on the field after the snap. God the grass was comfortable. I could feel myself getting cranky, yelling at the refs for waking me up with their whistles. This unfortunately hampered my game and put my defense in a bad spot. In fact, I didn't factor again into the game stats until the very last play of the game. I had taken up position laying down on the field, when Shady ran the ball and tripped over my lifeless body on the field. Shady fell, I got a third tackle, and the game ended with a 17-10 Arizona victory. Tom Hanks managed to drag me to the locker room by my ankles and my coaches chewed me out in front of the squad. I found it hilarious.
Playing high definitely did not bring about a good result, and I don't think I will smoke before a game again... well I at least won't smoke weed. I think I will continue my search for the perfect drug to play football on, and hopefully I can dope my way to superstardom.
(1387-ish words ready for grading)
Unfortunately due to... internal issues... New Orleans has traded away some of their young draft pieces on both sides of the ball. While they returned some older talent along with draft picks for the future, these changes may have contributed to the New Orleans' fall in the standings to fourth in the ASFC. One thing that it did open up was a linebacker spot for me to slide back into my natural position. I started the season at defensive end for New Orleans, and I had a solid if unremarkable start to the season. I was around the middle of the pack in terms of total tackles for all defensive ends, thankfully including piling up tackles for loss with the best of the best in the DE landscape. But overall I felt I didn't have much impact on the game, so I was happy to make the switch back to linebacker.
Unfortunately, in making the switch back to linebacker (and the pressures that came with it) I felt like I really had to step up, especially since the previous week 8 saw the Austin Copperheads beat us 42-28. This added pressure led to me having a terrible week of practices leading up to the week 9 Arizona game. I did what any athlete would do in this situation: turn to drugs.
Week 9 @Arizona Outlaws: 17-10 LOSS
Drug of Choice: THE WEEEEDDUUHHH /stephen a
Part of my practice issues were that my mind was going way too fast trying to process being back at linebacker, and so my first instinct was to secure some jazz tobacco to hopefully calm my nerves and let me play more instinctively. Unfortunately I was unable to get my hands on any of the devil's lettuce during the week so I couldn't test myself playing while high in practice. I almost didn't go through with it, but I figured what is the worst that could happen? I snuck a small plastic bong into the locker room, and when the coach was giving a big pre-game speech I slipped into the bathroom to get high. I really think I overdid it though.
First, it took forever for the training staff to even get me out of the locker room and onto the field. I was too busy staring at the items in my locker and I even tried to eat one of my shoes, thinking it was a snack. God did I have the munchies. I finally got onto the field and laid face down on the sidelines during the anthem. I think a few people were upset about me "disrespecting" the flag, but I think it was pretty obvious I was in a bad spot so everyone just left me alone until the anthem was over. Eventually Ironsides was able to direct me to my linebacker position after a quick New Orleans three and out, and Arizona started their first offensive series with the ball on their 29 yard line. The first snap of the series saw Reese complete an easy pass to Valentine for an immediate first down near midfield. This was largely due to me standing in place during the play, laughing as I watched the ball sail near me and into Valentine's waiting hands. I found it hilarious! The rest of the team didn't and they roughly pushed me onto the right side of the line of scrimmage for the next play. I was still pretty out of it, and I think most of our defense was too, because Arizona passed at will on us (only one incompletion) for a quick score and we were down 7-0.
When I got back to the sideline, the first thing I did was sprint to the water cooler. Well I thought I sprinted, but I was later informed by the media that I was crawling on my hands and knees. I finally had cured my intense cotton mouth when my defensive coordinator found me hiding behind the water table. The DC started yelling in my face, but quickly noticed that I was both laughing and crying and he quickly changed tactics. He could smell the smoke on my jersey, and he quickly came up with a plan.
"Sloth... are you... hungry?"
I nodded eagerly, the munchies were really getting the best of me. I wondered what snacks coach kept with him on game days.
"You see the football... that motherfucker is made of chocolate. GO GET IT!"
I really found this funny... but I also really wanted that damn chocolate football. Unfortunately the New Orleans offense suffered another quick three and out. Luckily while the discussion felt two hours long, I was able to disengage my defensive coordinator and make it back onto the field in time for our next defensive series. This time, I was a bit more active because I wanted some chocolate, but I largely just ran around in the box yelling my head off because everything was so freaking confusing (don't worry, there was also a ton of giggling). My teammates really picked me up here and the Second Line defense forced Arizona kicker Clutch (oxymoron?) to miss a field goal. NOLA managed to get a first down on their next play, but would eventually be forced to punt by the Arizona defense.
At this point I was REALLY hungry, and I was sick of all the other players having fun with the chocolate football. The first play after the NOLA punt, my hunger overcame my confusion and I sacked Reese for a big 7 yard loss! I almost got a delay of game penalty from the refs because they had to wrestle the football away from me. I even lost a tooth that caught on the ball's laces when the ref ripped it from my mouth. But it sure was tasty! I liked it so much that my next game action (after more standing around staring at clouds in the sky) was another sack of Reese, forcing a punt in the second quarter! I really had sack lunches on my mind with these munchies.
About half way through the second quarter, I REALLY started to crash. My blood sugar was super low from not eating much all day, and I was REALLY stoned. I spent most of the rest of the game slowly shuffling back and forth, but I mostly just kind of laid down on the field after the snap. God the grass was comfortable. I could feel myself getting cranky, yelling at the refs for waking me up with their whistles. This unfortunately hampered my game and put my defense in a bad spot. In fact, I didn't factor again into the game stats until the very last play of the game. I had taken up position laying down on the field, when Shady ran the ball and tripped over my lifeless body on the field. Shady fell, I got a third tackle, and the game ended with a 17-10 Arizona victory. Tom Hanks managed to drag me to the locker room by my ankles and my coaches chewed me out in front of the squad. I found it hilarious.
Playing high definitely did not bring about a good result, and I don't think I will smoke before a game again... well I at least won't smoke weed. I think I will continue my search for the perfect drug to play football on, and hopefully I can dope my way to superstardom.
(1387-ish words ready for grading)
Thank you to @bfry for the signature!